The teams:

Aston Villa: Carson, Mellberg, Laursen, Davies, Bouma, Petrov, Reo-Coker, Barry, Young, Carew, Agbonlahor. Subs: Taylor, Moore, Knight, Gardner, Maloney.

Man Utd: Van der Sar, Brown, Ferdinand, Vidic, Evra, Park, Anderson, Carrick, Giggs, Ronaldo, Saha. Subs: Heaton, Hargreaves, Rooney, Nani, O'Shea.

Referee: Martin Atkinson (W Yorkshire)

"So apparently Carew is replacing Luke Moore," says Jonathan Whiting. Correct. "With everyone expecting him to be injured for this match, will the Man Utd defence have prepared for a tall target man rather than the nippier Luke Moore?" With all due respect to Luke Moore, I'm sure Man United weren't preparing any special game plans for his Moore-ship and with all due respect to Carew I'm sure if they can deal with the likes of Adebayor, Cameron Jerome and Fernando Torres, they won't be too scared about Carew.

In the past whenever these two sides met, the BBC or some half-wit covering it for MBM would present it as a clash of the titans. The public knew better of course, as Villa burbled away in mediocrity, the empty seats in the Holte End enough to suck the life out of the TV audience. These days things are a little different with the likes of Agbonlahor, Reo Coker and Young providing the most exciting youthful line-up since Jossy's Giants took to the pitch. Then again, I think I said exactly the same thing when Villa played Arsenal and they promptly lost. And they got beaten 4-1 by United earlier in the season. And they've gone out in the third round five times in the last six seasons. And United are unlikely to let Martin Laursen stroll up, fairy-footed and fancy-free, to score the winner, as Spurs so generously did in the week.

Not that I want you scrabbling round my crotch but does anyone know how to repair a loose zipper? My flies come undone (by themselves, I swear) every 10 steps or so, and I nearly exposed myself to a child on the bus today. It's a worrying trend.

Oh, and we'll be joined by Fabio Capello in the sense that we'll be watching him watch the game from the stands. Unless he's got into a fistfight with the kids who demanded 50p to ensure his car isn't smattered with faeces when he comes back to it after the game. What do you think Capello should be looking for today? Agbonlahor's pace? Young's crosses - surely the best in the Premier League at the moment? Curtis Davies's searing potential? Zat Knight's ... Zat Knight's ... Zat Knight's ... Zat Knight's ... Zat Knight's local knowledge of the best way back to the M40?

1 min: And we're off. "Look, Tom," says Ian Copestake. "O'Neill is a genius because he wears glasses. End of." Presxactly. Everyone knows glasses add 9 points to your IQ and make you bad at PE. Apart from Martin, who was probably quite good at PE, what with being a professional footballer and that.

3 min: Reo Coker knocks it long to Agbonlahor who gets into a crossing position, passes it to Petrov in the box, who can't control it and United clear. "I'm pleased to read that the FA Cup is sponsored by an astronomical unit of time," says Gary Naylor, although I might have seen that gag in the Clockwatch earlier. Still, recycled gags is what MBMs are all about. HONK! "For a moment, I thought it was about to get up and dance to the Happy Mondays and carefully avoid dehydrating (thankfully it's "E on" not ...)." You're a maverick, Naylor, that's why I like you.

6 min: There's a few empty seats at Villa Park, which is mildly surprising given their resurgence and the fact that it's Man United. Villa let Anderson run half-way up the pitch without being challenged. His shot is saved at the second attempt by Carson. "I do hope you'll let us know what color glasses Don Fabio is wearing during the match, as well as whether he's sporting one of his colorful jumpers (Bill Cosby-style)," says Regan Fitzgerald. Looks like a burgundy theme going on round the spectacle area. His Cosby jumper is swathed in a stylish coat. "As all of England will soon learn, Don Fabio on the sidelines is often much more interesting than the football, especially if he's managing it."

10 min: Everton have just lost to Oldham! Long clearance from Carson is flicked on by Carew's shoulder. Play eventually breaks down on the edge of the United area. "If you're prepared for it to take as long as a month, you can solve your zipper problem easily in the following way," says Mike Altmann. "Fold a blanket, place it on a chair and lie backwards over the chair for 20 minutes, three times a day, breathing hard the whole time. You will lose so much tummy, your zipper will never slide down again. This technique is four centuries old. It was invented by Queen Victoria's butler." I don't want to lose my tummy, it helps me eat things. And Queen Victoria's butler wasn't born in 1608.

13 min: United are leaving quite a bit of space on Villa's left, which is odd seeing as Young is brilliant and you don't really want to give him too much time. Villa win a corner on said left-hand side and Ronaldo has to clear with his head. I love the way Ronaldo is ridiculously, fast, skillful and good in the air. Petrov's shot flies over the bar.

17 min: Park skips past Mellberg and puts in a testing cross that Carson takes very ably indeed under pressure from a few United players. More zipper help: "A zipper costs very little, but if it fails, the garment may be unusable until the zipper is repaired or replaced. Problems often lie with the zipper slider, which may have bent upwards due to wear. If so, it can be easily repaired by pushing the slider downwards," advises Dan Smith. "If that doesn't work, looks like you're doomed to be arrested and jailed as a flasher. Although if you flashed Man United, it might help my team Villa today." I think any kind of sexual misadventures around Lord Ferg right now, would be most ill-advised, Dan.

20 min: Evra plonks a cross on to Giggs' head at the near post, but he can't quite control the pace and it flies wide. As my zipper problems aren't that interesting to most of you, we'll go back to good old-fashioned gags: "Regarding the chip shop fire at Everton," says Ian Copestake. "It is no joke as that's someone's livelihood, so perhaps Everton will do the right thing and donate their winnings to the owners. Eh? Oh."

23 min: United have taken my advice and paid a bit more attention to their right-hand flank. Carew holds play up well, but he's closed out and United get it away. "Re: your comment about not letting Martin Laursen (the highest-scoring defender in the Premiership) stroll up and head a ball into the net," says George "Peck" Templeton. "The United defence just let Anton Ferdinand stroll up and do exactly that, so why not Laursen or Super Ollie Mellberg doing exactly the same thing?" I stand corrected.

26 min: Giggs drives a free-kick in and Evra heads over on the edge of the six-yard area. Norwegian TV update: "Over here the colours are all wrong, with Villa playing in blue shirts and orange sleeves," says Stig Tennås. It'll be your TV, Stig. "And there's nothing wrong with my TV." Oh. "It is refreshing to see Fergie with a blue face instead of lobster red."

29 min: I've got to say I'm not too pleased about Villa considering they're managed by a genius, lots of knocking it long. Where are the majestic crosses from Young? The surging runs of Agbonlahor? Anderson meanwhile has had a few nice runs from midfield, but they're looking pretty tired after the long festive season.

33 min: Nothing happens. "Motty reckons Carson is 'technically' on loan from Liverpool," says Niall Harden. "In what other sense might he be on loan? Metaphorically?" True. I think Motty is still technically sane, but you wouldn't know it from his senile mutterings.

36 min: Villa have a free-kick, Laursen goes up for it, gestures to the sky in the universal plea for a nice, long English ball and United clear for a corner that Van der Sar takes. A minute or so later, Villa attack down the right for once, Carew muscles free and shoots into the side netting. God knows what Capello thinks of this dog's dinner. The poor man has to sit next to Brian Barwick for the next hour or so too.

38 min: United have a free-kick 40-yards out. Ronaldo shapes to shoot, Giggs trots over as if to say "Are you sure?" Ronaldo is sure and promptly thumps it into the wall.

42 min: More midfield filth. If you like your football bitty and arrhythmic, you've come to the right place. Oh, hang on, a corner for Villa. Van der Sar takes. Bah! "I'm curious as to what Dave Kitson is about to do in your photograph," says Gary Naylor. "My guess is that he's just spotted Steve McClaren in the stand and is about to greet him with a suitable gesture." God knows what Kitson is going to do next, that's part of his genius. He could score a screamer, involve himself in a 10-goal thriller or bemoan the commercialisation of English football. You. Just. Don't. Know.

45 min: A chance! The Chance! Ronaldo whips a shot in, Carson parries in a Croatia-style and Giggs puts it wide of the open goal. "Perhaps you can wear your pants back to front, that way minimising offence at no cost," says Ian Copestake. "It will, of course, leave you open to other potential embarrassments/close friendships, but if you just stay away from those parts of London..." I shall not, sir! A free drink is a free drink.

Rather amusingly, it sounds like Gary Lineker is contractually obliged to call it "The FA Cup sponsored by E.On." Look at his forced grin everytime he has to prostitute himself. Still his dabbling with Walkers shows he's not too fussy about who he promotes.

Surprisingly, people are still willing to talk about my flies, but if you're happy enough to carry on, then I am too. You're the boss etc "Your zipper," says Roger Ford. "Try a safety pin across the top." No jaggy points are going anywhere near that area, Roger.

Half-time question "The pictures. Martin O'Neill I recognise, but who's the ginger on the left? And is he a genius, too," asks Art Durbano. "O'Neill is a genius because of that high forehead and his more than passing resemblance to Gene Hackman. He looks nothing like Woody Allen, incidentally." First of all the ginger is Dave Kitson, his reasons for genius are explained in the 42nd minute. Secondly, Martin O'Neill does look like Woody Allen. Maybe not physically, but spiritually: he has the soul of Allen with his worrying and his neurotic genius. And the way he stares at the floor when he's hatching some kind of brilliant plot.

46 min: "Ah," exclaims Art Durbano. "I get it. The FA Cup is England's winter break."

50 min: Young tries to connect with Laursen in the box, but United get it clear. Young has another go a few seconds later, but Carew nicks it too close to Van Der Sar, who collects. "Well that's what I like to see: an exciting, tactically delectable first half between two of the big four," chortles Richard Whittall. "Speaking of the big four, how did Man City do?"

53 min: Some nice play from United is broken up by a big Villa boot, before Saha just fails to play Park in. "You mean the same D Kitson who is the highest-scoring English striker in the Premier League this season," asks Art Durbano. Yep, the one and the same. "Why wasn't Capello at White Hart Lane watching him today? Surely, north London has it all over Birmingham, doesn't it?" Nah, I think Kitson's a shoo-in, no need to scout him out. And you've obviously never been to the McDonald's outside the Pallisades, or you wouldn't be making those kind of cracks about Birmingham.

57 min: United force a corner. Although still low on quality, the game is gaining a smidgeon of passion. Laursen nearly puts it into his own net under pressure. "As long as you're wearing underwear, exposure is not an issue," says Jonny Mac. "Simply wear similar coloured underwear so as to not draw attention to the "opening" and if some one spots you flying low, perfect a look of surprise and go through the motions of zipping up." Ah yes, but it also gets stuck when it gets to the bottom of the zip, I cut my finger trying to do it up the other day, and the few minutes I spent fumbling to close it made me look like some kind of flasher. I could always just get new jeans. That might be the solution.

59 min: Ronaldo is now getting in a bit of a huff and thrashing at it, everytime he gets near goal. Having said that, his latest shot isn't too far off.

62 min: "Has Fabio seen anything yet to make him believe he's better off managing England than he was before (apart from his wallet)," asks James Molloy. Well, there's his walle... Oh. No, then. I suppose Scott Carson hasn't disgraced himself. And Zat Knight has done a good job of sitting on the bench.

64 min: Sorry. I stand corrected about Carson. Ronaldo controls a long ball beautifully, negotiates his way past Bouma (not too hard) and Carson attempts to gather the ball when it eventually breaks free of Ronaldo's control. But instead he palms it out for a corner. Luke Moore is on for Carew.

67 min: If it's any consolation for fans of British sport, Andy Murray won in the tennis today. In more mundane matters, Villa have strung three passes together. Good work, boys.

71 min: Rooney's on. The game is so soporific that Motson and Lawrenson don't say anything for a good two minutes. Not that that's a bad thing, mind. "You could buy your new jeans with today's overtime money, you are on time and a half for this, eh?" Yep, what's one and a half times £13.53?

73 min: If a billion Villa players have a billion typewriters dept. A shot on goal! Young scampers free and shoots a foot or so wide. Motty wakes up from his slumberings to make a exclamation of mild surprise.

77 min: Moore wins a corner for Villa. Laursen comes up of course, but it's Barry who has the shot which skims across the area: looked like it got a deflection from a United player, but the ref doesn't give it. "Surely just install a strong magnet in your belly button to keep the thing firmly ensconsed at the top of your strides," says Dave Brown from Command Centre (true it says so on his email.) "No?" Ah, you don't know where I have piercings though, Dave. I don't have any by the way, before you start to feel ill.

80 min: Rooney surges up the pitch and latches on to a Ronaldo cross that he blasts over. "Re: the recalcitrant zipper, it's probably your tummy that's driving it outwards. ( The Guardian should start providing full-length byline photos in its blogs)," says Sheerang Sarpotdar. "In which case pilates recommends pulling in your stomach - apparently this creates a strong core. Not inhaling also helps." Nope, I like inhaling, it's good for me. And I am the slimmest man on GU Sports, if it's guts you're after look no further than Glendenning.

GOAL!!! Ronaldo (81 min) Ronaldo taps home from a Giggs cross that eludes Carson and (criminally) Bouma. Bouma has struggled with Ronaldo all game and it's not too much of a surprise.

85 min: Ronaldo is sickeningly predictable isn't he? That's 18 goals in 17 starts from him now. Not only does he score screamers he gets scrappy goals like that, because he has strength as well as skill.

GOAL!!! (89 min) Rooney hits it very early after combining with Ronaldo and beats Carson all ends up. United scream up the pitch and win a corner. Giggs takes, but United seem more content to waste time and pass it keep possession until Carrick shoots and Carson saves. "£13.53 x 1.5 = Style," pipes up Jonny Mac. Very good, sir, very good.

92 min: Well, United stepped up the pace when they realised they might have to go through this agony again with a replay. "Look I know it's pathetic, but - 'oh well, that's our season over!' now that we're out the Cup," says Alex Simpson." PS try wearing leggings next time."

PEEP!! That's it. Villa had exactly no chances to win that game, United had two and seeing as those chances fell to Rooney and Ronaldo it's no surprise United won. So what have we learned? That Rooney and Ronaldo will finish you off if you're not on top of your game and Villa are a good side, but still can't compete with the Big Two (Chelsea and Liverpool are now the Quite Big Two). Nothing new then.