It's the closest title race since 1968! However, it's 28 degrees out there. What on earth am I doing indoors sat in front of a computer? More to the point, what on earth are you doing indoors sat in front of a computer? Go on, get out there and catch some sun. Go. Do it. Go. Honestly, we won't hold it against you.
Anyway, it's the closest title race since 196etc. And we'll be tracking it with the guardian.co.uk/sport Official Patented Hobson's Choice-o-meter®. Will it be Manchester United? A. Will it be Chelsea? B. Will it be time to forget it all with an octuple Dr Maudlin's Miracle Juniper Drink and tonic? CCCCCCCCCCCCCC. Kick off is at 3pm, which ain't long now.
Chelsea can be grateful for small mercies, as Kevin Kilbane's not playing: Kirkland, Boyce, Bramble, Scharner, Figueroa, Valencia,
Palacios, Brown, Koumas, Bent, Heskey.
Subs: Pollitt, Sibierski, Taylor, King, Skoko.
Wayne Rooney's back, now there's a surprise: Van der Sar, Brown, Ferdinand, Vidic, Evra, Ronaldo, Carrick, Scholes, Park, Tevez, Rooney.
Subs: Kuszczak, Hargreaves, Saha, Giggs, Silvestre.
Referee: Steve Bennett (Kent)
Weather update: It's still 28 degrees out there. Go on, run along to the park, have a Pimms, fling a frisbee, read a novel, we really don't mind.
It's team analysis time: "What!? Saha is fit?" splutters Archi Campbell. "If that's possible then I still wouldn't rule out Chelsea winning 20-0 to claim the title on goal difference." There is that, though look! Titus Bramble's playing only his second game back from injury since January for Manchester United legend Steve Bruce's Wigan. This is already over. United three up at half time and we can all go out to catch some rays.
And we're off! Ah hold on, no we're not. There's a bit of a delay at Chelsea, who by all accounts can't be bothered to come out of their changing room, so referee Steve Bennett is holding things up for a while, in order to ensure both games kick off at the same time.
And we really are off this time! Bennett can't be doing with hanging around, so blows his whistle to get things moving anyway. A lot of aimless hoofing by both sides ensues.
2 min: United start slightly nervously, the returning Vidic weakly hacking a cross clear; Brown latches onto the ball and takes a pop from just outside the area. It's not worth describing, and Van der Sar snaffles the effort without fuss.
4 min: Heskey powers past Vidic and Evra down the inside-right channel - a wonderful, determined run - but once in space and with time to think, panics and shanks his cross into the stands. His career in microcosm, right there.
6 min: United give Koumas way too much room in the midfield, Carrick and Scholes allowing him to storm straight down the centre of the pitch and take a (terrible, but that's not the point) swipe at goal. This isn't a particularly confident start from United.
7 min: United's first effort on goal, and it's not on goal, Ronaldo slicing wide right from outside the area when he had a bit more time than he thought. Kirkland, who has got a hat on, hip hip hip hooray, doesn't need to move a muscle.
10 min: Ronaldo finds an inch or two down the left and swings a cross into the centre looking for Scholes, but it's too near the keeper. Speaking of whom, Kirkland no longer has his hat on. "Mathematically, Derby County could still win the Premier League," insists LSD victim Ben Bamford, "providing the other 19 teams go into administration in breach of FA regulations and each get 75 points deducted (and Man Utd still lose to Wigan, of course)."
13 min: Scholes looks for Rooney with a long ball and nearly sets him away but last man Bramble heads clear. Good work all round. Seconds later Scholes is booked for coming straight through the back of Palacios; that was a no-brainer for the referee.
15 min: Carrick flings the ball into the area from the right. Rooney nearly manages to get his foot on it six yards out, as Bramble and Scharner take an age to deal with it; Bramble hacks out for a corner. From which Ferdinand is offered a free header on the right-hand edge of the six-yard box. He heads high and wide, much to Wigan's relief.
18 min: United are enjoying a lot of the ball in midfield, but not doing very much with it up front.
19 min: That was a lot better, though. Tevez forces a corner down the left. It's swung in and headed clear by Valencia, but only to Scholes, who shimmies past two challenges before dragging a daisycutter just wide right.
20 min: Van der Sar needlessly conceds a corner, tipping a weak, high header over the bar. And from it Wigan nearly score, Heskey heading a deep cross from the left back into the danger zone, Boyce hacking a decent chance over the bar. This is turning into quite an open game.
22 min: That should have been a penalty to Wigan, as Brown attempts a curler from the edge of the area. It's heading towards the top right corner, but Ferdinand intervenes and nudges the ball out for a corner with the top of his arm. Lucky boy, that could easily have been given.
23 min: Nowt comes of the Wigan corner. United go straight up the other end and so nearly add insult to injury, Ronaldo finding space in the area on the right and cutting the ball back into the centre where Rooney and Scholes await. Luckily for Wigan Scharner is on hand to get a toe in, and Kirkland, who has his cap on again, picks up.
25 min: Ronaldo takes a free kick from nearly 40 yards out. It nearly goes in as well, Kirkland (no cap now, what on earth is he playing at) being forced to parry the low ball away to the left. United are beginning to exert some real pressure now.
28 min: Ronaldo scoots clear down the right and gently bounces the ball right across the face of the Wigan goal. If Tevez had his gameface on there, he'd have bundled home, but he's back on his heels and Kirkland is able to let the dangerous cross bounce out wide left for a goal kick.
30 min: It's lashing down at the JJB. Expect the pitch to concertina up in ten minutes or so.
32 min: PENALTY TO UNITED! With the ball bouncing around in the Wigan area, Boyce hacks Rooney down with a witless challenge. Wigan can complain that they didn't get their decision, but nevertheless that was a no-brainer. Ronaldo steps up and...
33 min: TITLE-DECIDING GOAL!!! Wigan 0-1 Man Utd. ...strokes the ball into the right-hand side of the net, Kirkland going the wrong way after being given the eyes. That could well be the title.
35 min: This is a truly disgraceful decision by Steve Bennett, who has totally bottled it. Palacios tears down the right and is cynically bodychecked by Scholes - who has already been booked. He simply has to go - but doesn't, Bennett opting to have a nice chat with him instead. Absolutely outrageous, especially in the light of the penalty Wigan never got.
39 min: The crowd are booing Scholes every time he gets the ball, and no wonder. Steve Bennett has delivered a masterclass in clowning. The decision not to send Scholes off was utterly scandalous.
42 min: Tevez skidaddles free down the left and fizzes in a low shot-cum-cross which Kirkland does well to claim at the second grasp, Rooney rushing in should he fumble.
44 min: What a tackle from Koumas. United are four on two, with Tevez clear down the right and Rooney, Scholes and Ronaldo racing down the middle. But the Wigan midfielder romps back, gaining about 20 yards on Tevez in what seemed like milliseconds, and sliding in to save the day. United should at least have created a chance there; it could easily have been 2-0.
Half time: Wigan 0-1 Man Utd. The players walk off the pitch. The referee drives off it in a collapsing car with square wheels. Honk honk! Don't smell his funny flower! "Fergie may have made some terrible selection choices recently, but he got this one right," says Ray Kelly. "Steve Bennett was the only choice on a day like this." Anyway, the guardian.co.uk/sport Official Patented Hobson's Choice-o-meter®, which I totally forgot about: A
And we're off again! Er... no we're not. It's been agreed to delay the start of the second half until 4.08pm, to co-ordinate with the game at Stamford Bridge, in the wake of John Terry breaking his arm and being scooped onto a stretcher.
And we really are off again! No changes. It's been absolutely thrashing it down at the JJB, where a huge pond has replaced the pitch. Men have been attacking it with forks, but to little effect.
47 min: "You think Steve Bennett's decisions are questionable?" writes Wigan fan Danny Whitehead. "The local TV station here in the Democratic Republic of Congo has chosen to go with Portsmouth v Fulham, while BBC World radio has Wigan v Man U ... in Kiswahili. I don't understand what's happening, but I still know we're going to nick an equaliser." Not sure I share your faith; Wigan have hardly touched the ball so far this half. United are stroking it around with supreme confidence
48 min: Tevez is hacked down 30 yards from goal; you can't blame the referee for giving that one. Ronaldo steps up and whips the ball goalwards; it's straight at Kirkland though and tipped over. The resulting corner is pretty terrible. Wigan haven't started this half yet.
51 min: Palacios tugs at Ronaldo's arm, Ronaldo flaps at Palacios's face. Calm down, everyone.
53 min: Steve Bennett is utterly useless. Now he denies United a clear penalty, as Bramble chases a ball just to the right of the goal alongside Scholes, slides in, misses it completely and takes the man out. That was so clear-cut as to be untrue. This is one of the worst refereeing performances I've ever MBM'd on, and I covered Croatia v Australia in the last World Cup.
55 min: Rooney toepokes the ball past an advancing Kirkland... but wide of the left-hand post. United are turning the screw here.
57 min: Rooney hassles Boyce in the Wigan box and nearly breaks clear on goal, but is pulled up for handball. Both players appear to have handled it during the tussle, neither deliberately, which is enough for Rooney to get the funk on. He's booked for screaming in the referee's face.
60 min: Wigan, first through Koumas on the right, then from Figueroa on the left, fling balls into the United area, but both times Ferdinand is on hand to calmly head clear.
63 min: A lull at the JJB, which allows me to mention that Andriy Shevchenko has scored for Chelsea, shinning one in from two yards.
65 min: United have been by far the better team in this half, but suddenly they look a tad nervous, allowing Wigan their first serious period of possession since the break. It looks like Hargreaves is going to come on. Meanwhile Wigan win a corner, but Koumas's delivery is appalling, the ball curling out of play before anyone can reach it.
66 min: Scholes, lucky Scholes, is replaced by someone who can actually tackle. Hargreaves is the man on.
68 min: Giggs comes on for Park; it's his 758th appearance in a Manchester United shirt, matching Bobby Charlton's record. Within seconds, Heskey flashes a header from a deep Koumas right-wing cross high and wide; from six yards out, he really should have scored.
70 min: Bent, who I've just noticed for the first time this afternoon, is replaced by Sibierski.
71 min: Palacios is booked for a niggly foul on the edge of his own area. Ronaldo takes a clever free kick, attempting to slip the ball along the floor wide right of the wall in order to release Rooney, but Scharner is wise to his plan and hacks clear for a corner. Of which there are two, the second seeing Vidic meet a deep ball from the right but bundling wide left from six yards or so. This has been a pretty eventful game.
73 min: Both sides are looking pretty nervous here. You can't say Wigan aren't putting the effort in. A dawdling Ronaldo is robbed down the left by Koumas; he feeds Valencia clear down the left, but the resulting attempt at a cross with three men waiting in the box is not far short from pathetic and Vidic spirits the ball away.
76 min: The amount of misplaced passes here is outstanding. Neither side can hold onto the ball for more than a second. It's like watching a game of Pong.
77 min: Valencia is booked - quite rightly - for crumping his knees into Vidic's back.
79 min: GOAL!!! AND THAT'S IT!!! Wigan 0-2 Man Utd. Utterly terrible defending by Wigan, whose central defenders go totally AWOL, but United won't care. Rooney slides the simplest ball he'll ever play as a professional footballer, rolling it towards Giggs in the centre of the Wigan box. He makes no mistake, calmly slotting the ball low and hard past the advancing Kirkland; that's the 2007/08 Premier League wrapped up. Congratulations to Manchester United, who have been the best team in the league by far.
82 min: King comes on and immediately causes Ferdinand and Vidic some mild panic, driving towards the United area before eventually being ferried away from danger; he had no support whatsoever.
85 min: Koumas tries to wheech one in from 30 yards, a futile effort. This is all over, and everyone knows it. The guardian.co.uk/sport Official Patented Hobson's Choice-o-meter®, which I totally forgot about: A and depending where you're coming from C but absolutely not B.
87 min: United are just taking the piss now. From a Wigan corner, Brown hammers a header towards the bottom left corner of his own net. Giggs, today's hero, is on the line to hack clear.
89 min: Tum te tum.
Full time: Wigan 0-2 Man Utd. MANCHESTER UNITED ARE THE CHAMPIONS!!! Heskey flashes another couple of headers towards goal but Van der Sar claimes them both easily. Wigan have had their chances today alright. Soon after, the utterly risible figure of Steve Bennett crams his whistle into his confused face and blows for full time. On the touchline, Alex Ferguson jumps for joy. And to top it all, Manchester City have lost 8-1 at Middlesbrough. Eight! At Boro!!!
Meanwhile at Stamford Bridge... Chelsea concede a late, late equaliser to Bolton. Steve Bennett, whose hapless bungling has therefore had less effect on the destination of the title, will be a mighty relieved man as he wanders off in his oversized shoes.
