"First on the agenda for Fergie and his new assistant is a little chat with Ronaldo," guffaws Alexandra GarmanPhotograph: xAlfonso Elvira is under no illusions about who's in charge at Old TraffordPhotograph: x"Sir Alex needs someone who is used to dealing with the whims and follys of his demanding employer and is willing to speak to the BBC," quips Andrew FergusonPhotograph: x"Deep underneath Old Trafford, Dr Fergustein's search for a new assistant is at an end," sniggers Chris McMillanPhotograph: x"Now, Cristiano, either you stay here or I'll really give you something to cry about," chortles Ian DaviesPhotograph: x"At last," exclaims John Barry, "Fergie has found his ideal assistant!"Photograph: x"Having appointed his new assistant Mini-Mac, evil Dr Fergie could now proceed with his plans for world domination," guffaws John BarryPhotograph: x"Sir Alex reckoned that all he really needed a No2 for was to answer the boy Crooks' questions," says John O'Reilly without moving his lipsPhotograph: x"I'm wondering when the old man will stop looking for fortune and glory," writes Reuben Duffy, echoing the sentiments of Arsène Wenger, Rafael Benítez and Luiz Felipe ScolariPhotograph: x