Preamble Good evening everyone. The bookies reckon this will be a United romp [no references to bawdy tabloid tales here please] and make them 1-2 favourites tonight, but I'm not so sure. Villarreal finished second in La Liga last season, have strengthened in the summer, and are up against an experimental-looking United side that features Jonny Evans alongside Rio Ferdinand at the back and a midfield of Owen Hargreaves, Darren Fletcher, Park Ji Sung and Nani. Cristiano Ronaldo starts on the bench.
Man Utd: Van der Sar, Neville, Ferdinand, Evans, Evra, Nani,
Hargreaves, Fletcher, Park, Rooney, Tevez. Subs: Foster, Brown, Ronaldo, Anderson, Giggs, Vidic, O'Shea.
Villarreal: Diego Lopez, Angel, Rodriguez, Godin, Capdevila, Cani, Eguren, Edmilson, Pires, Fernandez, Franco. Subs: Viera, Santi Cazorla, Ibagaza, Llorente, Javi Venta, Senna, Fuentes.
Referee: Wolfgang Stark (Germany)
Meanwhile to your emails ... Dave "a Manc stuck deep in Arsenal territory" wants to know "Does anyone know of pub in near Dalston that might show the United match - and where I won't get stabbed?" Meanwhile Tony Richards claims that Darren Fletcher is the "most underrated player in Europe", before adding "I bet your readers can't think of anyone better who is less appreciated". Well?
1 min We're off! Old Trafford doesn't look full but it's certainly boisterous. Gary Neville is also up for it too: he's so focused in the tunnel he even tries to out-stare the TV cameras. And succeeds.
2 min After barely two minutes, Pires gets first reducer from Owen Hargreaves. He gets up very gingerly indeed, like a wounded wildebeast. It's been a decent start, with Villarreal keeping the ball nicely.
4 min Nice work from Nani on the left ends with a cross that Godin clears with a flying Superman header.
5 min Meanwhile this from Jon Cummins. "Nice to see Fergie still has his ruthless streak," he writes. "Pretty much everyone who played a stinker at Anfield (besides Van Der Sar) is dropped or unavailable. I wonder if Scholes wasn't suspended if he'd get a game tonight?" Not sure if he's been ruthless or pragmatic, Jon. United travel to Stamford Bridge on Sunday and I'm sure he wants to trial Evans and rest some of his players. Intriguingly Villarreal haven't named their best side either. Anyone would think the opening stages of the Champions League don't really matter. (What? Eh? Etc, etc).
7 min The singing continues and so does United's pressure. Nani wriggles inside before his cross goes off for a corner ...
9 min ... Rooney's back-post cross is flapped at by the Villarreal keeper (who comes, then stops, then stands still) before landing on Ferdinand's unmarked foot five yards out. It hits his heel, rolls across goal, and Villarreal clear.
11 min Meanwhile Andrew Ross has suggestions for not-that-scary Dalston pubs. "The Yucatan on Kingsland Road/Stoke Newington High Street will have the United and Celtic games on. Check out the garden furniture inside the bar and roguish Irish punters." Roguish Irish punters?! Bit of a generalisation that, Andrew.
13 min The game has already settled into a predictable pattern: United attacking, Villarreal defending with a 9-0-1 formation. Nani tries a swirler from 30 yards that Lopez fails to handle but no one is following up.
15 min It's all United so far. "Can anyone enlighten me as to where in God's green hell is the £30.2m or whatever Lord Ferg paid to Tottenham for Dimitar Berbatov?" asks Rodrigo Moya. He's got a knee injury and is watching the game from the stands is the prosaic answer, Rodrigo.
17 min Early goals so far tonight: Lyon 0-1 Fiorentina, Steaua 0-1 Bayern Munich.
18 min Superb turn by Tevez, who is then grabbed with both hands by Rodriguez and wrestled to the ground. Not unreasonably Tevez asks for a yellow card but the referee Wolfgang Stark, a banker by trade, isn't having it.
19 min Nani wins a highly dubious free-kick on the edge of the Villarreal area after tripping over his own shoelaces but, like 19,831 divided by zero, it comes to nothing.
22 min Rooney's 35-yarder smashes into a Villarreal defender. "Did you make a mint on Cluj last night and what are your top tips for tonight's matches," asks George Templeton. I didn't George, but my colleague Barry Glendenning had the princely sum of £8 at 12.5-1 on Cluj and won £100. Have backed under 1.5 goals tonight at 5-2, and laid Manchester United at 1.52, but it's still early days.
24 min So close for United! Nani plays it to Fletcher, who dinks it back to Nani, who feathers it to Fletcher, who slips in Park, whose shot is deflected just wide. The resulting corner comes to nothing.
26 min United are dominating this. "Fletcher may well may be the most under-appreciated player in Europe if he wasn't playing for Manchester United," says Jon Cummins. "Let Tony Jarvis know, however, that he is without question the worst set-piece marker in Europe, I've seen him burned far too many times for Scotland and United in the last year."
28 min [Minute-by-minute reporter dons anorak] United shots: six. Villarreal shots: zero.
29 min Nani, who is having one of his better games for United, plays in Evra but his cross is blocked. Villarreal immediately counterattack and Pires' shot from the most acute of angles is easily saved by Van Der Sar.
31 min Tevez gets his foot on the ball, looks up, and then hits a fizzer from 30 yards which is heading for the top corner until Diego Lopez palms round the post.
33 min More United pressure. This time Rooney's cross is met by Fletcher's head on the penalty spot ... and a Villarreal defender soon afterwards.
34 min "Can I join the 1,056 other pedants in pointing out that if you divide by zero (19 min) you get infinity, which would be a pretty good result for tripping up," says Robin Hazlehurst. "I suppose that if you divide by infinity you must get zero, but it's a long time since I did maths and it's too late at night to think that deeply, so it might not be so."
35 min Yellow card Franco for a two-footed sliding lunge at Evra.
36 min So close again! Nani's cross evades both Rooney, Ferdinand, Diego Lopez in the Villarreal goal and the back post. United plead for a corner, but the referee - wrongly as it took a deflection - gives a goal-kick.
38 min More excellent jinkin' and dribblin' from Nani, who makes 10, 15, maybe 20 yards before playing in Park, who takes a touch before appearing to be tripped by Capdevila. He appeals loudly for a penalty but the referee says goal kick. United players are not happy at all.
40 min Yet another half-chance for United: this time Tevez drags a shot wide from 15 yards.
42 min "I'd just like to reiterate that the Yucatan on Stokie High St will definitely be showing United in the back room and Arsenal in the front room," says Neill Staniforth. "It's great. On Saturdays you can also watch some Premier League games too via satellite. And in the summer they lay on a free bbq! Awesome." Awesome?! This isn't the Sydney Morning Herald, Neill.
44 min Cani Stams it 40 yards over the bar. "Let's just move the conversation completely away from football and into the classroom for a moment," says Andrew Dean, adjusting his thick NHS spectacles. "No, Robin (34th min) you do not get infinity when dividing by zero, you get a null-set, the calculation can't be made. Zero does not go into any number an infinite amount of times … that would imply that multiplying infinity by zero would get you some other number(s) instead of the zero that we all know is the result of multiplying a number by zero." So now you know.
45 min For the first time all half. Villarreal actually get their foot on the ball for a good 30 seconds. But they continue to show as much penetration as a wooden knife trying to puncture an armour-plated tank and United clear.
46 min We're off again. "Despite a shock result or two last night, these Champions League Group matches are a bit of a waste of time aren't they?" sighs Gary Naylor. "Why don't they just look at the wage bills of the teams that qualified and put the top 16 payers into the CL knockout stage and the rest into the Uefa Cup?" Better still, Gary, why not make the Champions League a 64-team knockout?
47 min No substitutes at half-time by the way. Meanwhile more arguing about my maths (math for American readers). "I hope you haven't put any money on anything tonight, because if you think '19,831 divided by zero is nothing' you're likely to come a cropper - 19,831 divided by zero is in fact 19,831," insists Neill Staniforth. Are you sure Neill? Really?
49 min Van Der Sar's 80-yard thump down the pitch just evades Rooney on the left and skids off the turf for a throw in. Villarreal still have nine behind the ball pretty much all of the time, but they're actually been in United's half three times already this half. A statement of intent?
52 min Nani's up-and-under is well taken by Lopez. Meanwhile more maths talk. "I know I am being pedantic, but division by zero is not defined," says Jan Schreuder. "The limit of the division of a positive number by x while x is getting arbitrarily close to 0 is infinity. Sorry."
54 min The biggest cheer of the night at Old Trafford comes as Ronaldo begins his warm-up. It's amazing how a poor start to the season can change the attitude of the average United fan, isn't it?
55 min Villarreal are slowly altering their ambitions from all-out-defence to we-might-just-be-able-to-nick-something-here. They're certainly having more possession this half, without actually doing much with it.
57 min Park's meek shot rolls apologetically wide. "Anyone else notice that United now has a new sponsor?" chuckles Bobby Otter. "The US Government! So many jokes, so little time." Well, you've got 33 minutes, Bobby ...
59 min Ronaldo is getting ready to come on ... and the United fans are singing lusty songs in praise of him.
60 min Villarreal hit the post! After a superb series of passes, Pires' cross was back-flicked past Van Der Sar by Franco. It hits the post and rolls back into the United keeper's arms.
62 min United subs: Ronaldo for Park, Anderson for Hargreaves.
63 min Meanwhile more dork talk. "As Andrew Dean comments, multiplying by zeros and infinities is not straightforward,' says Carlos Chiquete from the Applied Mathematics program at the University of Arizona. "I will add to the confusion and say that infinity is not a number per se, it exists outside of the set of numbers. As such, multiplying by infinity is not allowed. However one can have sequences of numbers that have the respective limits zero and infinity, from which one can calculate a finite result for the limit of the product thereby in a sense get that infinity times zero is 1 or whatever one likes." I'm out of my depth here, aren't I?
66 min Anderson slaloms down the right, chips it to Ronaldo, whose shot hits the ground and loops into Lopez's arms. Moments later, Tevez's cross is pushed out by Lopez a la Arcanada during Spain v Northern Ireland in Espana 82 but Anderson thrashes a 20-yard shot miles over.
67 min Villarreal sub: Pires, who has played OK but nothing more, off - Ibagaza on.
69 min Another long-range Anderson shot goes well wide. "When United play Newcastle, it'll be AIG vs Northern Rock," points out Gary Naylor. "Surely the US and UK governments have more pressing commitments than financing the salaries of Joey Barton and Wayne Rooney?"
71 min Villarreal are like the kid who is scared to go into the deep end of the swimming pool for years but then get a dangerous taste for it. They're attacking perhaps a bit too much here - and Lopez again has to be smart to fist a Nani cross clear.
73 min Superb from United! Ronaldo skips down the left, plays in Rooney who slides it across the area where Tevez is lurking. His shot is partly smothered by the keeper allowing Rodriguez to make a brilliant off-the-line clearance.
74 min Yellow card for Tevez for a nasty barge on Diego. Meanwhile the number of readers suggesting Neill Staniforth (47 min) needs to do remedial/infant school maths: 17.
76 min It's all got a bit scrappy, but Villarreal have just had six players in the United half so they definitely think they can get something here.
77 min Villarreal sub: Franco off, Llorente.
78 min Another United free-kick from halfway inside the Villarreal half; another agricultural defensive clearance from the Spanish side.
79 min Ronaldo has switched the right-hand side but he's not getting any joy. Meanwhile this from Gary Naylor: "With AIG being a agency of the US Government, should Sarah Palin find herself a heartbeat from the Presidency, will she threaten war on Zenit St Petersburg in a pre-emptive strike against the possibility of the Russians repeating their Super Cup success in the CL knockout phase. It's time America stopped being pushed around after all!" Don't joke Gary. It may happen.
80 min Great chance from Ronaldo - again Nani does well to work an angle, before sending over a backpost cross. Ronaldo is free, about seven yards out, but his header slides wide. He should have done better.
81 min United shots on goal: 18. Villarreal shots on goal: four.
82 min United sub: Tevez off, Giggs on. Ronaldo then sends a skidding cross which evades everyone, takes a bounce, hits Jonny Evans' head ... and hits the post! So close for United!
84 min They've just shown the replay of Evans' chance. He was unmarked, six yards out, just wide of the far post and really should have scored. "Does Neill Staniforth (47 min) by any chance work in the accounts department at AIG?" asks Marie Meyer.
86 min United are really going for it now - can they get a winner? Meanwhile this from Justin Kavanagh. "Are all these numbers geeks infinitizing on today's MBM the same people who were running, sorry, ruining the world's economies up to the start of this week, perchance?"
86 min Llorente goes for glory from 40 yards, and finds the back of row ZZ.
88 min United are beginning to resort to page one of the Charles Hughes' book of football here [ie hump it forward as quickly as possible] but it's a tactic that's being easily dealt with by the Villarreal centre-backs.
89 min Yellow card Ibagaza for - I think - arguing with the referee. Nani goes to ground, appealing for a free-kick, but the referee waves his pleas away.
90 min We'll have three minutes of added time.
91 min Yellow card for Diego Lopez for timewasting. Meanwhile Kevin Mannerings asks: "Does anyone in Stoke Newington know what happened to Moris Milk Bar, a wonderful kosher Milk Bar where I worked for a week around Easter for a few years making kosher biscuits about 30 years ago? Moris was a wonderful guy to work for, as a young boy he survived
Auschwitz. The biscuits and other food he made, like fish cakes were
really delicious." Anyone?
92 minRonaldo, who has looked fit but not match-sharp, tries his luck down the left but over-runs the ball and Villarreal get a goal-kick. Last chance for United ...
Full-time Peep! Peep! Villarreal have the draw they came for, and probably just about deserved. Meanwhile the final word on what 19,831 divided by zero is goes to Nicholas Einhorn, who writes: "I've tried to stay out of this, but now I feel compelled to say that 19,831 divided by zero is undefined in any field (such as the real numbers), but may be defined in other structures (such as the real projective line). Sorry." Don't ask me what it means: I only took GCSE Maths. Anyway, I'm off to count my winnings. Thanks for all your many emails, sorry I couldn't use them all. Best, Sean.
