Kick-off is at 7.45pm, but Rob will drag himself away from an unyielding Word Twist battle to give you all the build-up from 7.15pm. While you're waiting, feel free to watch what Sir Alex Ferguson had to say for himself at yesterday's pre-match press conference, then read about the different problems facing Manchester United and Celtic ahead of tonight's encounter. To be in with a chance to win tickets to see Arsenal or Liverpool playing in the Champions League, enter this competition.

Manchester United's home record in the European Cup since 2006
P13 W12 D1 L0 F30 A7

Celtic's away record in the European Cup since they dressed it in a short skirt and renamed it the Champions League
P18 W0 D1 L17 F10 A37

Celtic haven't scored a goal away from home in this competition since December 6 2006 and – if you exclude rank howlers by inept Poles against Sporting Lisbon in dead fixtures – United haven't conceded one at home in this competition since April 24 2007.

So, United to win and Celtic not to score looks a pr-etty, pr-etty good bet, but something – instinct, the frequently ramshackle nature of so-called Battles of Britain*, the inevitability of Nakamura whooshing a free-kick into the corner from 30 yards, a subliminal message from Declan Hill – tells me that United will win 2-1.

Celtic's overall Champions League record on the road is woeful, but if you pick it apart you realise they've often got the wrong answer despite the right working.

Against the big boys, certainly, they have rarely taken a pasting. In the Nou Camp their scores are 0-1, 0-1 and 1-1 (their only draw); in the San Siro, against Milan, it's 0-1, 0-1 (after extra-time) and 1-3; they lost 3-2 at Old Trafford in 2006, and also lost 3-2 away to Lyon and Juventus (in both games only going down to seriously dodgy penalties); and they lost 2-1 away to Bayern after leading. In fact, their biggest pastings have been in Portugal, to Benfica (0-3) and Porto (0-3), and in Donetsk, to Shakhtar (0-3, 0-2).

So, yes, I'm going for United to win 2-1 and for Dimitar Berbatov to break into at least three sprints during the game.

*PS the first person to use the phrase Battle of Britain in an email will be hunted down and forcefed a heated stick into a yet-to-be-specified orifice.

Team news Ronaldo isn't rested. And nor is Tevez, who simply doesn't get in the team any more (he's on the bench). And nor is Berbatov, who starts his sixth game in a row, having cunningly made himself immune to rotation by doing a quarter of the running of everyone else. All this stuff about Berbatov not putting a shift in, incidentally, is a bag of balls in my opinion. He's a class act, and that's all that matters, really. And it's actually nice to see a lone frontman who can't be doing with the false modesty of headless chickenery.

Anyway, it's an aggressive selection from United, an orthodox 4-2-3-1 with the presence of a work-shy pair of preening Portuguese on the wings putting significant pressure on the central-midfield pair of Anderson and the splendidly improved Darren Fletcher (I take it all back). Jonny Evans also starts at the back ahead of Rio Ferdinand, although I'm not sure whether Ferdinand is injured or rested. Still, the presence of another Irishman, the exasperating lummox that is John O'Shea, will be of greater concern to those of a United persuasion, especially against Nakamura, who probably needs to do little more than point and say "it's over there" to start O'Shea spinning on the spot like a top.

For Celtic, Gary Caldwell is fit to play in a predictable 4-5-1 formation. Pity the fool Scott McDonald, who as the lone striker is going to have to put in a serious shift tonight. A draw would leave Celtic well behind in the group, but would be of immeasurable psychological value. It's a group that looks done and dusted already, but if Celtic get a draw tonight and then beat both United and Villarreal at home (the latter two results being entirely conceivable), they would almost certainly go through.

Manchester United (4-2-3-1) Van der Sar; Neville, Evans, Vidic, O'Shea; Fletcher, Anderson; Ronaldo, Rooney, Nani; Berbatov. Subs: Kuszczak, Brown, Giggs, Park, Rafael Da Silva, Gibson, Tevez.

Celtic (4-5-1) Boruc; Wilson, Loovens, McManus, Naylor; Nakamura, Scott Brown, Caldwell, Robson, McGeady; McDonald. Subs: Mark Brown, Hinkel, Hartley, Maloney, Donati, Sheridan, O'Dea.

"Any chance of this happening again?" asks George Templeton. If you mean the commentator Peter Martin inadvertently creating the sort of mess that's beyond even the most sophisticated and industrial-strength washing powder, I'd say no. If you mean Nakamura making it three free-kicks in three in this fixture, I'd say there's a big chance. Especially with John O'Shea on the pitch.

Okay, here we go then For those who wish they were watching on TV, Clive Tyldesley and Jim Beglin are in the hyperbolists' chairs. "The capacity of Strachan to bug the hell out of Celtic fans on the big occasions remains undiminished," bahs Gerry Scott. "Why shoehorn in Caldwell, who barely hacks it as a centre-back, when Hartley could do the job properly? On the other hand we are going to get tanked anyway so we might as well confirm English stereotypes of the Scottish game whilst we do it." Alan Rough's in goal? Everyone's wearing a kilt and has been boozing since the womb? Jeez I love England, where alcoholism, dubious fashion sense and inept goalkeeping certainly aren't significant problems.

1 min Celtic, in yellow, kick off from right to left. Both sides are lined up pretty much as predicted, with Ronaldo on the right and Nani on the left for United; I wonder whether Caldwell has been picked specifically to get in Rooney's space and in his face. He's certainly playing deeper than the other midfielders.

3 min "Berbatov, such wonderful balance" coos Clive Tyldesley at the exact moment Berbatov hits the deck. A free-kick is given, perhaps slightly generously, to United wide on the right as a result. Nani whips it in and Anderson, unmarked in front of the near post, fails to make headed contact on what was maybe a third of a chance. Fast start from United though.

5 min Ronaldo roasts Naylor - behave - but his cross is cleared at the near post. United, predictably, are having all of the ball, and they are popping around with much more intent than at the stage of Saturday's game against West Brom.

"I believe many would agree Portuguese people and a strong work ethic go hand-in-hand," says Luis Correia. "However, I agree with you Nani and Cristiano Ronaldo are the exception." Which is fine in a 4-3-3, but in a 4-2-3-1 there is much more responsibility on them to do their defensive work. It's why there's no way United could play this system against a top-class team, certainly not away and maybe not at home.

7 min See 5 min. And 3 min. Anyway, seven minutes in and here's Gary Nayor. "Re: your photograph, I understand that the Celtic players need to familiarise themselves with Old Trafford but what is the Middlesbrough crowd doing there?" I'll honk to that.

9 min At the moment, Berbatov is playing as the No10 with Rooney as the No9, although you suspect this will change as the game progresses. Celtic have their first decent spell of possession, although to little avail. In shades of his swashbuckling first full season, when he nutmegged Luis Figo and basically everyone else he came up against, O'Shea makes an eejit of McGeady with a lovely turn under pressure. Maradona reincarnate.

11 min Celtic are smothering the centre of the pitch: when Rooney got on the ball 25 yards out then, he had five players within five yards of him. Celtic will be pretty happy so far: for all the purpose and precision of United's start, Boruc has had nothing to do.

12 min It's Celtic who have the first big chance. McGeady zips menacingly infield, away from O'Shea and then, from 20 yards, crunches one low towards the near post. Van Der Sar gets down smartly to push it behind for a corner. Lovely effort from McGeady.

Arsenal are 2-0 up by the way. Shut the door on your way over to read Scott Murray's MBM of that game.

14 min A lovely first-time pass from Rooney allows the marauding Neville to burst into the box but, with men queuing up, Neville very unusually overhits his cross. The future's bright, the future's Rafael.

17 min This remains an unusually free-spirited game - Celtic are certainly not just here to defend - and, when United break, Rooney earns a corner after another charge into the box. Nothing comes of it. Nothing..

"It is good to see Robson getting a game considering he almost singlehandedly won Celtic the championship last season," says Gerry Scott. "I would have seriously considered giving McGeady's place to Maloney. McGeady too often goes missing in Europe."

18 min It definitely looks a deliberate ploy, rather than an accident of the game's narrative, to have Berbatov at No10 and Rooney at No9, and so far it's working really well: Berbatov, who is on the ball all the time, eases one beautifully wide to Nani, and when he crosses to the far post Rooney connects really well with a Crouchesque scissor-kick. It thuds into the defender and away.

19 min Delicious move from Celtic. Nakamura slips one inside the full-back to the onrushing Naylor, and when his cross clears everyone at the near post it bounces through to Caldwell on the edge of the box. He lashes it as it sits up, connecting beautifully, and Van Der Sar has to reach up to paw it over the top. Excellent stuff, this.

"What's a Champipon?" says Tom Chivers. "I couldn't help but notice it's mentioned in the window title of your MBM. Sounds French. Some sort of root vegetable native to the Dordogne region, perhaps. Yes, it's needless pedantry." Oh, Tom! How could you?

21 min Nani's sliderule pass hits the referee and puts him on his backside, possibly the most inept fall by an official since Paul Alcock went down in 12 stages after being pushed by Di Canio.

24 min It's now Fenerbahce 1-94 Arsenal, or so you would think from the hooting and hollering on the theguardian.com/football/championsleague desk.

25 min It's quite sad to see Gary Neville bustling up and down the flank, like Ron Jeremy needing to resort to viagra. Or something. The spirit is certainly willing, and he's a wonderfully admirable fellow is Neville, but the body is still struggling. It's so hard to come back in your thirties after over a year out, as anybody who has witnessed my pitiful attempts near the Westway of a Wednesday night might witheringly confirm.

27 min Celtic win a free-kick 28 yards out but, unfortunately for them, it's a fair way out on the left. So Nakamura instead whips it in to a crowded area, and Robson is penalised. Still, this is Celtic's best spell and the fact remains that, for all he's had to do, Boruc might as well have been aggressively picking his nose for the last 27 minutes.

28 min Ronaldo misses a very decent chance. It was all a bit a messy on the edge of the box, but Berbatov was aware enough to poke a square ball 10 yards away from the melee and towards Ronaldo, unmarked on the right side of the box. He lashed it with his left foot and it flew just wide of the near post with Boruc beaten. He might actually have been better taking it out of his feet and leathering it with his right.

GOAL! Man Utd 1-0 Celtic (Berbatov 29) Celtic's dumb luck away from home in Europe continues, as Berbatov scores from an offside position. Nani whipped a corner in from the left which was flicked on by O'Shea at the near post. It hit Caldwell and rebounded towards O'Shea, who stabbed it back towards goal. Then Berbatov, six yards out, redirected it through Boruc's legs quite beautifully with a ninja's swirl of the right foot. But he looked offside at the time, turning away slightly sheepishly, and replays confirmed it.

33 min This is, by some distance, Berbatov's best game for United. He wins the ball on the edge of the box - no, you don't need to readjust your set - and feeds Anderson, who sweeps over from 20 yards. Anderson is literally never going to score a goal for the club, is he.

35 min Stop whatever you are doing: it's an email from Gerry Scott. "You keep publishing my emails as if they are somehow noteworthy or even coherent thus giving me access to the Guardian's huge global readership. The resulting feeling of importance is both unnerving and thrilling. I bet this is how Mussolini got started."

36 min Inevitably, the goal has changed the tempo of the game, and United are content to play keepball for a bit. Celtic, probably with half an eye on not being 2-0 down and dead and buried by half-time, are happy to let them do so. And so pass three minutes of our lives that won't be coming back.

"Listening to the match on 5Live. Chris Waddle keeps referring to the Celtic keeper as 'Borat'," says Ben Stanley. "Is the chunky King Artur wearing a flourescent green mankini." In my mind's eye - and in my heart - he never wears anything else.

39 min Berbatov touches it off to Rooney, 25 yards out, and he creams one through the crowd that is well held by Boruc. It was a bit too straight to be a real issue for Boruc, but he did well not to parry it as it was hit with stinging force.

40 min Nani never gives an average performance, and tonight is one of his 8/10 nights. There he zips infield past two defenders before coaxing one a few yards wide of the far post.

44 min O'Shea draws a smart save from Van Der Sar with a typical piece of incompetence. A free-kick from the left beat everyone except O'Shea at the back post, who tried to volley it clear with his right foot, missed it completely, and watched it loop from his standing foot towards goal, and Van Der Sar plunged to his left to save. Did O'Shea win Jim'll Fix It or something? He really is astonishingly incompetent for a team of this calibre.

"Berbatov's insouciance when it comes to celebrating goals is a welcome change from the usual look-at-me, badge-kissing brigade," says Justin Kavanagh. "Someone should have a gasper ready to light as his reward for every goal—or is smoking now banned too from the Theatre of the Prawn Sandwich?" I know chanting, breathing and SUPPORTING YOUR BLOODY TEAM THROUGH THE MEDIUM OF THE CHANT have been banned, but I'm not sure about smoking.

45 min Darren Fletcher misses a sitter. Vidic flicked on an angled cross from the right from Rooney and Fletcher, beyond the far post, kept his composure splendidly to come inside the flailing Wilson onto his right foot. Then, from six yards, he screwed it miserably over.

Half time: Man Utd 1-0 Celtic That's the end of a richly enjoyable half. For all United's swaggering football, a calm Celtic side created the better chances until, after half an hour, Berbatov scored from a palpably offside position.

This said, if anyone deserved a goal it was Berbatov. Playing behind Wayne Rooney rather than the other way round, he had one of those halves where everything came off. If he'd stuck his hand down his pants for a cheeky scratch, he'd have probably found a tenner. His goal was exquisitely taken, but Celtic won't care for that, as they've been done again, and it will take some serious mental strength to get anything from this game the noo.

See you in 15 minutes.

46 min Off we go again. No changes.

"Berbatov is the anti-Keane," says Niall Mullen. "He has touch, goals and stays in the relevant areas. Running around like crazy does not make Keane a better player; it actively hinders him. The only thing they have in common is their good sense to leave a sinking ship for their 'dream' move." All good points, ruined only by this last bit: "Sent from my iPhone."

47 min "Berbatov and Rooney? If Alain Delon and Jean-Paul Belmondo played football, they'd be those two wouldn't they?" says Gary Naylor, whistling a cultural reference over my stupid, simple, bald head. "(But Sir Alex Ferguson wouldn't be Francois Truffaut - perhaps Jean-Luc Godard?)" My thoughts exactly.

Actually, I do wonder what this means for Tevez's supposed £30m move. Ferguson has no qualms about using people and then disposing of them when they outlive their usefulness, and there is just a hint that a familiar scenario may be starting to unfold.

48 min Berbatov thumps a header clear at his near post from a Celtic corner and then goes down like a four-year-old who doesn't like heading the ball because it really hurts Mum. I think I am falling in love with how little Berbatov gives one for traditional notions of masculinity on the football field.

GOAL! Manchester United 2-0 Celtic (Berbatov 51) A sizzling, wobbling free-kick from Ronaldo is too hot for Boruc and Berbatov - who was actually in an offside position again when the kick was taken - taps almost apologetically into an open net from six yards. I suspect Berbatov could not give a flyer either way.

53 min This is becoming slightly farcical now: Wayne Rooney has a goal disallowed even though he wasn't in an offside position when Ronaldo slipped him through to go round Boruc.

55 min This could actually be anything now, because a) United are playing with a real swagger and b) the linesman is all over the show.

57 min Another chance for Rooney. He played a ball down the inside-left channel for Berbatov, who was beaten to it by Boruc, and when the ball broke loose on the edge of the box - with Boruc stranded - Rooney spanked it over on the half-volley. There were at least two defenders between him and the goal, though, so it wasn't as simple as my essentially inadequate description first made it sound.

59 min Berbatov eases the most delicious, outside-of-the-right-foot pass down the right for Neville, but his cross is blocked by Naylor at the near post. United are taking the mick a bit here.

60 min A double United substitution: Wes Brown for Gary Neville, and Carlos Tevez for Dimitar Berbatov, who has been an absolute joy to watch. Actually, the crowd cheer is bigger for Tevez than it is for Berbatov.

61 min Now a double Celtic substitution: Shaun Maloney is on for Barry Robson, and Paul Hartley for Shunsuke Nakamura. Their only hope is to beg, steal or borrow a goal and they play on the consequent nerves to win 11-2.

62 min Anyone out there?

65 min Ronaldo has switched to the left - is it me, or is he so much more effective there? - and draws a foul from the increasingly exasperated Caldwell. This can't be a nice experience for Celtic, because a) they are having the etc. taken out of them, b) both goals were offside and c) they are having the etc. taken out of them.

67 min "So," says Howard Clark, "what is the future for Gary Neville?" Moustache-cultivating and ITV punditry, I reckon. He should still play a fair few games this season, certainly until this very peculiar ostracism of Wes Brown is resolved. But if the Champions League final were tomorrow, my pecking order would be: Brown, Neville, Da Silva.

70 min A brilliant cross from Nani, by far the best crosser at Old Trafford since Beckham left, just beats the leaping Ronaldo at the far post. I think Ronaldo actually mistimed his leap there and was up too early.

72 min It's a bit boring now, in truth, in the absence of Berbatov's luscious linkplay and either side really needing a goal (in truth, Celtic look happy just to avoid a pasting).

"Hey, Rob. What's happening? Badlty typrd ob my iPod," honks Simon Hoyle.

73 min The crowd go up for handball in the penalty area against Hartley. The linesman, who has lost it, gives a no-ball. Instead it's a corner, from which Rooney, on the edge of the box, stings the palms of Boruc with a brutally hit but ramrod-straight drive.

74 min Hartley, who has been spoiling for a tear-up since he came on, brings down Nani and then lumps the ball at the horizontal Nani from about 0.6 metres. He's booked.

76 min "Hopefully Celtic can edge out Aalborg for the Uefa Cup spot and put together a decent run," says Gerry Scott, before beginning a gentle little saunter down the footpath marked 'Off On One'. "I think what tonight and this year's group in general highlights is that Celtic have been punching above their weight in Europe for the past couple of years and that has come to an end. And if a team managed by that glorified waist coat can make it to the final maybe Celtic can go one better and lose in the final without causing a riot."

GOAL! Manchester United 3-0 Celtic (Rooney 77) A really excellent goal from Wayne Rooney, making it seven games in a row for club and country in which he has scored. It came from a Van Der Sar roll-out, via Fletcher, Nani and then Tevez, who played a square pass infield to Rooney, lurking menacingly in the D. He waited a few seconds for the chance to present itself as bodies whizzed left and right in front of him, and then drove it through the legs of Loovens and right into the bottom left corner. It wasn't hit hard - he passed it, like Mark Robins v Oldham in 1990 - but it was so well placed that Boruc couldn't get near it. A splendid goal.

78 min The 19-year-old Cilian Sheridan comes on for Scott McDonald.

79 min "This may be a cakewalk, but is a two-goal advantage enough to take to Parkhead?" said Gary Naylor just before the third goal. "Damn, I forgot that this isn't the real European Cup, just the boring winnowing bit of the Champions League." What he said. Football would be THIS much better if the European Cup was a) called the European Cup and b) an unseeded knockout from the off.

80 min A simply stunning pass from Rooney, driven 40 yards first-time into the space on the right, puts Tevez through into the box, but instead of finding the supporting pair of Nani and Ronaldo he goes for goal and is blocked.

81 min Somebody might get sent off here. Celtic are having it taken out of them and, no unreasonably, they don't like it.

82 min Ji-sung Park replaces Cristiano Ronaldo.

83 min Loovens goes through Tevez from behind, a challenge that is entirely the product of frustration. I'm not sure if he was booked, but he certainly should have been.

86 min For those who are wondering why Rooney is playing so well, by the way, it's quite simple: he's playing in the centre of the pitch. The Berbatov signing was so important for Rooney, not because of the increased competition for places, but because of the tactical restructuring it has brought about. Whether that restructuring survives squeaky-bum time remains to be seen - you couldn't play this starting XI in this shape at home to a good side - but for now we might as well just enjoy it.

88 min The game is drifting to sleep. Hartley almost pulls one back there, mind, bursting into the box at the end of a slick, Sensible Soccer move. His first touch was good but Evans, the last man, read the danger well. He has played well, albeit in fairly comfortable circumstances.

Full time: Manchester United 3-0 Celtic So that's that. While you suspect United's class was always going to be decisive, the fact remains that Celtic were very unlucky on the first two goals, which totally knocked the stuffing out of a team already drowning in fatalism.

That said, United played some sumptuous, cocky football at times, most of it involving Berbatov and the inevitable Rooney, and barring an unprecedented farce they will reach the knockout stages of this tournament for the 12th season in 13. Thanks for all your emails; g'night.