Teams:
Derby: Carroll, Connolly, Todd, Nyatanga, Camara, Sterjovski, Green, Addison, Commons, Hulse, Davies.
Subs: Bywater, Savage, Teale, Barazite, Dickinson, Powell, Hines.
Man Utd: Kuszczak, Rafael Da Silva, Vidic, Evans, O'Shea, Anderson, Scholes, Gibson, Nani, Tevez, Welbeck.
Subs: Amos, Ronaldo, Rooney, Giggs, Carrick, Fletcher, Possebon.
Referee: Phil Dowd (Capricorn, I think)
7:39pm: "Three MBMs in a row from you," exclaims Jon Cummins. "Can we expect you to be covering the Saudi Arabia-Yemen friendly tomorrow to keep your Lampardian streak alive?" No, I'm off tomorrow, perhaps by popular demand.
7:41pm: The teams waddle out on the pitch and they look ... oh, Sly have taken that as their cue to cut to commercials. Buy a car. Buy a phone. Buy a toothbrush. Give us a break.
17 seconds: Connolly clatters into Nani but escapes a booking.
2 mins: Benevolent refereeing from Dowd, who gives United a freekick after Kuszczak drops a cross following a soft challenge from an attacker. "Is it not a touch curious that Sir Alex has not named a single defender amongst his substitutes?" intones Brian Harvey. "I apologise in advance for jinxing the fitness of any of the back four, but what if someone goes down with an injury, or is sent off? Perhaps Sir Alex reckons Darren Fletcher could do a makeshift job back there the way he did in the 2006-07 Champions League season (or was it the 2007-08 CL season) if worse is to, indeed, come to worst… ? Mind you, the Return of the Clough notwithstanding, I reckon a fairly comfortable 3-0 to United here; Derby do not have much up-front to trouble the likes of Vidic and Johnny E."
4 mins: United stroke the ball around their own back four, which again features Evans, suggesting he will almost certainly start the Champions League tie with Inter when that comes around. Then Vidic wallops the ball long, all the way to Carroll, in fact.
6 mins: United at sea at the back! Three United defenders bumped into each other and Hulse picked out Davies at the angle of the six-yard box. The keeper comes out to block his shot well but Davies it helps the rebound back towards the danger zone and Vidic is compelled to intervene smartly and boot clear.
8 mins: United fail to clear a corner and Sterjovksi is allowed to shoot low and hard from 16 yards. Evans, however, had taken up a good poisition on the line and whacked the ball clear. But United aren't looking stable at the back and Derby are not having to be much more than energetic to bother them.
10 mins: As Derby gain in confidence Vidic has to perform another headed clearance under serious pressure.
12 mins: United relive the pressure long enough for Welbeck to pose a momentary challenge at the other end, but deprived of any support the youngster eventually lost possession. "This is Derby's first domestic cup semi since 1976, when they lost to United at Hilsborough," announces Duncan Edwards, whose very name summons further past memories. "Charlie George wasn't there for the Rams, but I was a watching United supporter. All that to say that Nigel Clough is a man who you want to do well, regardless of who you support. I heard a tale of his first day at Burton. Their 'star' player was late for training and juggled a ball across the pitch to join the rest listening to 'young Nigel' who he greeted with a 'ay-up Cloughie'. The new manager told him 'You're late. Get changed and clear off - you've played your last game for us'." Sounds like a Clough alright.
14 mins: United have stabilised somewhat and are now camped in the Derby half, though they have yet to create any openings. "I am just a bit bored at work," burps Rodrigo Moya, who has decided to do the research I was too lazy to do. "I thought I'd tell you that referee Phil Dowd not a Capricorn but an Aquarius, as were Paul Newman, Eartha Kitt and Wayne Gretzky, who all share the same birthday of January 26 if you beleive the
internet." Nice work, Rodrigo. But why the 'was' for Gretzky. Isn't he still alive?
17 mins: Derby, like Burnley in the first half last night, are looking lively and they have just worked a nice crossing opportunity for Commons. But O'Shea kept him at bay. "With Clough as manager and Todd in defence, there does seem to be a desparate attempt to rekindle Derby's glory team via their offspring," guffaws Tom Hopkins. "I fully expect Kevin Hector's daughter to play up front on Saturday."
19 mins: Scholes knocks the ball wide to Gibson, who curls an inviting pass across the face of goal but Welbeck can't get to it. "Does Roy Carroll still have that shaggy Civil War-style beard?" demands Alix Sharkey. "What is it with keepers (Seaman, James, Bosnic, Higuita et al) and dodgy
facial hair anyway?" It find it off that you think beards or moustaches constitute "dodgy facial hair" - what do you consider to be normal facial hair?
22 mins: Tevez, who has been his usual industrious but not entirely effective self, drops deep to collect the ball but drives a long-range cross-cum-shot into the first defender. £32m? You're having a laugh.
24 mins: Derby clear a Nani cross as far as Rafael at the edge of the area but the youngster's half-volley is miles off target.
25 mins: Davies rollicks forward and then lets fly from 25 yards. Wide. Very wide.
27 mins: Kuszczack punches a Derby freekick clear. "I'm sorry, but how relevant is a ref's star sign," thunders Tom Mann. About as relevant as anyone else's, surely?
29 mins: United have really missed Patrice Evra in recent weeks but O'Shea has finally put in a decent impersonation of the Frenchman. He tore down the left to collect a ball from Tevez and then exchanged slick passes with Nani before Green blocked his shot from eight-yards. It was a lovely move but the defender's intrusion means Carroll still hasn't had a shot to save.
GOAL! Derby 1-0 United (awesome strike by Commons, 30')
30 mins: Commons collected the ball about 30 yards from goal and under no pressure turned, sized up a shot and enflamed the ball into the top corner!
31 mins: Scholes attempts a reconstruction of the Commons goal, but bangs the ball over the bar.
33 mins: Scholes makes another attempt, the outcome is the same. "I don't believe your previous correspondent attended the 1976 semi as he claimed," quibbles Adam Hirst ."He didn't mention the two players that played for both clubs in the 1970's. Gordon Hill scored more goals with his left foot that day than Anderson will score all season. Gerry Daly, the other United legend, was supposedly seen in a pub the night before the match by various United fans. Them were the days, eh?"
34 mins: Davies dodges Rafael and unleashes a shot from 20 yards. Vidic blocks. But United, far from rallying to assert their authority, are reeling.
36 mins: Scholes attemptious crossfield pass but, to the amusement of the home fans, the balls cannons off Gibson's arse and into touch. As the saying goes, you'd have to have a heart of stone not to laugh.
38 mins: Nani is down clutching is back and demanding treatment after Connolly jumped for the ball in his general vicinity. "I see there is an Amos on the bench for Derby," observes George Templeton. "He could come in 'Andy."
39 mins: Nani is back on his feet and back in action, what a soldier.
42 mins: Rafael lumbers down the right and attempts to slip the ball through to Tevez, but Nyatanga shepherds it out of play instead.
43 mins: Carroll launches a long freekick towards the United box. United belt it clear. Derby win it back, United commit a foul in midfield. It's been like that a lot so far: United are disjointed.
45 mins: To humungous roars the half-time whistle blows. Derby deserve their lead. As did Burnley last night .. and we know what happened next. "As a Forest fan of 20 years, albeit based then in London and now overseas, I never really hated the sheep (aka Derby)," confesses Simon Frank. "Now they have installed as manager my favorite Forest player ever, I am on the horns of a dilemma. Is it really that bad to want both Forest and Derby do to well? I am fairly sure there are plenty of Reds out there with the same feelings."
46 mins: No changes by either side at half-time, though Rooney is warming up at the moment.
47 mins: Corner to United. Nani sends it into the near post, where Davies diverts it behind for another. Nani sends the second towards the near post, and this time Davies boots the ball clear. A Derby counter-attack is on ... at least it was until Rafael chopped down Commons, and copped a booking. "I'm with Simon Frank," gulps Joe Holden. "I'm a Forest fan that's been bred to hate Derby all my life, even when they play the Scousers. I'm ordering me Derby shirt tomorrow though, Nigel no.9 on the back."
49 mins: Carroll races out of the box to punt the ball clear as Nani threatened to latch on to a breaking ball. No real signs of improvement from United so far, though.
51 mins: Derby fans boo venomously as United pass the ball around in their half. But because United soon gave the ball away the boos, as at an Irish wedding, didn't last long.
54 mins: Connolly pushes over Nani, giving United a freekick in a good crossing position. It's wasted. "I'm sitting in a grenier in Vichy supposed to doing my French homework and I'm reading your electrifying report instead," confides Tim Robinson. "It must be because I'm a Sagittarian." Zodiac mindwarp in full effect, folks.
55 mins: Menacing cross from Hulse is put behind by Evans. O'Shea does well to head Commons's wicked delivery behind. Commons tries again, and this time it's Vidic who clears.
57 mins: Still no sign of a United comeback as Derby remain quicker and more coherent, particularly in midfield where they have dominated.
58 mins: Derby change: Sterjovski off, Teale on. "I am saddened to see that no one so far has mentioned it's the great Kenny Loggins' SIXTIETH birthday today," mourns Grace Pickering. "It seems like only yesterday he was going to ride into the danger zone."
61 mins: Anderson shanks an attempted pass straight to an opponent ... and with that the camera pans to Rooney and Ronaldo, who are being readied on the sidelines "Please thank Grace Pickering for her kind sentiment of a moment ago," croons Kenny Loggins. OK, I admit it: I made that email up.
62 mins: Addison picks out Hulse in the box and the striker, rather than shoot, tries to tee up Davies. But his pass was poor. United change: the ineffective Scholes off, Ronaldo on; and the ineffective Welbeck off, Rooney on.
64 mins: Commons digs out a decent cross from the left wing, but Kuszczak clasps it comfortably. "United don't seem to be having a Love Reaction despite the zodiac theme," twangs Jack Lee. "Maybe they need to bring on a Prime Mover."
67 mins: Derby are pressing United very high up the pitch and the aristocrats just can't get into any groove.
70 mins: United sweep forward with menace for the first time in a long time. Ronaldo crosses to Tevez, who scuffs a shot well wide to jeers from the home crowd. "The sterling Derby performance comes as no great surprise, they used to be a bit of a United bogey team," Frazer Worley. "Paulo Wanchope used to take the urine on a regular basis."
72 mins: Todd narrowly fails to connect with a front-post flick-on following a corner awarded after Evans put in a last-ditch tackle on Commons. "I wonder if starting a Carling Cup semi final against a Championship team will keep Tevez happy," daydreams Ian Melven. "For a delirious moment a couple of nights ago brought on perhaps by cheap whiskey I actually thought he might end his loan and come back to play for West Ham." Haven't you head? Soon no one will be playong for West Ham. They're going to go bust.
74 mins: After a wayward cross by Ronaldo, Anderson is replaced by Carrick. The top guns are on. Seems Sir Alex is warming to the Kenny Loggins theme.
77 mins: Freekick to United from 20 yards. Ronaldo lurks ... and then whacks a fine effort inches wide.
79 mins: Davies hurtles down the left but before he can deliver a cross Gibson retreats to disposses him.
80 mins: What a miss! Commons broke free yet again down the left and careered into the box. Kuszczak parried his low left-footer but Hulse seemed certain to poke home the rebound. Instead he skied it from seven yards!
83 mins: Commons is on the rampage again! The United defence was split with a ball from deep and Commons ran on to it but pulled his shot wide from 20 yards. "Are you pushing astrology because it is the 399th anniversary of Italian astronomer Galileo Galilei observing three of Jupiter's moons through his telescope: Io, Europa, and Callisto?" gulps Dave Jackson. Oh come on, Dave, I hope you're not confusing astrology and astronomy? Typical bloody Pisces.
85 mins: United cobble together an attack of sorts. It ends in familiar fashion, Tevez shanking a shot into the stands.
87 mins: Carroll surges off his line to intercept a raking Rooney pass. And on that note, Derby make a change: Todd hobbles off, Robbie Savage prances on.
89 mins: Vidic has possession on half-way. He pleads with team-mates to provide him with options but no one obliges so he hoofs the ball forward. A derby defender heads it clear and Gibson collects and let rip from 25 yards. Well wide.
90 mins: Kuszczak comes for a Commons corner but Addison outjumps him and Vidic is forced to put it behind for another corner. United deal better with that one. "It's time the referee stepped in and rescued this match for United," declares Robin Percival.
Four minutes to be appended
90+2 mins: Connolly booked for a stupid tackle on Ronaldo. A chance for United to hoik the ball into the box ... Nani does just that but Carrick's header is straight at Carroll.
90+3 mins: This is not how it was supposed to finish: Derby are on the attack and have won a corner. They take it short and then work it to Green, who skips into the box and fires fractionally over the bar.
90+4 mins: Freekick to United about 35 yards out and very central. Ronaldo sizes it up ... and over the bar it goes.
Full-time: A thoroughly deserved victory for Derby. Nigel Clough, who doesn't start his new job till tomorrow (David Lowe has been in charge tonight), is about to inherit a team that has just beaten the world champions. A poisoned chalice, surely.
