Hic! That's right: hic! The Mill is in good spirits today, having had its entire existence validated by visionary genius Prof Anna van Wersch, so let's crack on with today's rumours.

Internazionale want to sign Carlos Tevez, a piece of recycled information, the timing of which has nothing to do with the fact that they are playing Manchester United next week. Actually it probably doesn't, because Tevez will be sat on the bench so there's no real point trying to unsettle him, but we had to say something on the subject.

Anna van Wersch is going to be knighted.

David Moyes would fly 500 miles to secure the signature of CSKA Moscow's Vagner Love. But Love would prefer to go to Manchester City, which may or may not have anything to do with the bongo opportunities.

Anna van Wersch is the best thing since sliced bread.

Arsène Wenger and whoever is in charge of Chelsea's transfers these days have fixed their beady ones on young Bordeaux striweloveyouannaker Henri Saviet.

Anna van Wersch is the best thing that has ever happened to anyone, ever.

Sheffield United waTHAT'SRIGHT:WELOVEYOUANNA!nt to re-sign Michael Tonge from Stoke, where he's been a bit rubbish.

Anna van Wersch is the second coming.

David Beckham will sign for Milan. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, whereupon we can get on with the rest of our lives.

Hopefully, those lives will involve a lot more of Anna van Wersch.

It's Anna van Wersch!