So Liverpool are back at the top of the table after a 3-1 win at Hull - but Manchester United, with the same points total, have two games in hand, of which this is the first. Some nervous individuals of a Mancunian bent will no doubt spit, through mouthfuls of ripped fingernail, that it's still all to play for... but let's all be adult about this.
Manchester United, starring fans' favourite Dimitar Berbatov: Van der Sar, Rafael Da Silva, Ferdinand, Vidic, Evra, Ronaldo, Carrick, Fletcher, Nani, Berbatov, Rooney.
Subs: Foster, Anderson, Scholes, O'Shea, Evans, Tevez, Macheda.
Tottenham Hotspur, starring Robbie Keane, who needs to read from what would admittedly be a hackneyed script in order to reignite the title race: Gomes, Corluka, Woodgate, King, Assou-Ekotto, Lennon, Palacios, Jenas, Modric, Keane, Bent.
Subs: Cudicini, Hutton, Bale, Zokora, Bentley, Huddlestone, Chimbonda.
Referee: Howard Webb (S Yorkshire)
IT'S THE ARTS with guardian.co.uk/sport: "After much squinting and staring, the guy in the picture looks like he's reattaching his head," opines Mac Millings, the poor man's Brian Sewell. "Couldn't he at least have got one with a nose that colour-matches his face?" Meanwhile Justin Kavanagh strokes his jazz beard, takes off his beret, snorts through his nose, strokes his jazz beard again, then adds: "That magic eye picture is spooky. I saw the sneering face of Beelzebub surrounded by several smaller dancing devils. And he was about to lift his head right off his shoulders! Which he'll do today if Howard Webb ignores another penalty appeal."
Football has finally wheeched up its own preposterous jacksie. Manchester United now have a ridiculous fanfare which parps over the speakers at Old Trafford as they run out. Presumably it's designed to strike fear in the hearts of all opposition. Sadly, it is about as stirring as this...
... although admittedly less Caledonian in tone.
And we're off! With less than 30 seconds gone, Berbatov nearly enjoys a dream start. Fletcher rolls a ball into the box down the inside-right channel, and the Bulgarian striker nearly gets a toe to it. Gomes is out quickly, though, and gathers.
90 seconds or so: Lennon, who gave Evra the runaround at the Carling Cup final the other month, zips down the right and wallops a low cross into the box. Nobody's on the front foot for Spurs, though, and the ball rolls out harmlessly to the left of Van der Sar's goal. This is a lovely bright start by both teams.
3 min: Ronaldo skidaddles down the right, then as he reaches the byline backheels in the direction of Nani in the centre. It's a brave attempt, but not one that comes off, King nipping in to clear. This is really open.
5 min: Fletcher is sprung free down the right. He's in acres, but his cross is way too deep, allowing Lennon to scoot up the other wing. He passes Evra with ease - the United full back will be worried about this, after events at Wembley in the League Cup - but is then snuffed out by Ferdinand and Vidic, who both saunter across to put a stop to the winger's gallop.
8 min: The first scare for United. Lennon swings a deep ball into the box from the right - and finds Bent free at the far post! Van der Sar parries the striker's half-decent header round the post. The corner is wasted.
10 min: Rooney isn't too far away from meeting a deep right-wing cross from Rafael with his head. The ball's just too high, and the chance is gone. Anyway, that Magic Eye picture, and IT'S THE ARTS with guardian.co.uk/sport: "Surely it's a picture or Rory Delap in the process of taking a long throw to test the aero-dynamics of Fifa's new Fergyball," argues Ben Bamford. Don't be so daft, Ben. Who would pay money to kick the Manchester United manager's head around?
12 min: An eventful couple of minutes for Rooney. First he's crowded off the ball at the last, just when he was ready to crown a fantastic one-two with Berbatov on the left-hand edge of the Spurs area with a goal. Then he attempts to catch Gomes off his line with a shot from his own half. It is the worst attempt to Do A Beckham/Alonso/Not Pele that I have ever seen, the ball bouncing apologetically out of play halfway down the right wing.
14 min: Berbatov is being booed by some members of the crowd. The guys on Setanta seem to be under the impression it's the home support giving out. They don't appear to have considered Manchester United's opponents today, who coincidentally are the striker's former employers. Still, let's keep an ear out, eh?
16 min: Nani twists and turns in the centre, then has a dig from 30 yards out. The ball flies roughly the same distance over, and to the left of, the goal.
18 min: Some very poor defending by Rafael, who allows Modric to leave him for dead down the left with a simple drop of the shoulder. His cross is deep, Lennon's attempt at a spectacular volley is woeful, and the danger is soon quashed by Ferdinand. That's the first we've seen of Spurs for a while; United have enjoyed most of the possession so far.
20 min: Jenas and Berbatov challenge for a high ball. The former clocks the latter on the back of his head with his upper arm. The latter goes down clutching his face. Very strange, but nevertheless that's a free kick alright. And what an effort from Ronaldo, who takes a pop from silly yards out. The ball swerves in the air, and Gomes makes a real meal of parrying it to the floor, then gathering it under pressure. Ronaldo will be looking forward to taking his next free kick, that much is for sure.
22 min: I forgot to tell you about a pretty damn reckless challenge by Palacios earlier in the game. My bad. It was a studs-up, two-footed, airborne lunge on Ronaldo, who saw it coming a mile off and got out of the way. That would have been a red card had he connected. Thanks to James Kenny for poking me with a stick and making me do my job properly: "If not for the leap of the smug Portuguese there would've been an early flash of red no doubt. Palacios is an undoubted talent but has a real leaning for the reckless."
25 min: From Nani's left-wing cross, Ronaldo heads wide right from six yards. A decent chance, though if he'd left it for Berbatov, that would surely have been the opener.
27 min: This is all United now. Ronaldo belabours a free kick into a staunch Spurs wall. Then Rooney has a flash over the bar from 25 yards. The away side are beginning to look very nervous.
29 min: "The away side are beginning to look very nervous." And so... Manchester United 0-1 Tottenham Hotspur. What terrible defending by the home side. Corluka swings a ball in from the right. It's a tasty delivery, beating Vidic, but Ferdinand, on the edge of his own six-yard box, should surely head clear. However he doesn't connect, allowing Bent to chest down and hammer the ball home from point-blank range.
32 min: AND ANOTHER! Manchester United 0-2 Tottenham Hotspur And suddenly United, who had looked super-dangerous, have fallen apart. Lennon walks past Evra down the right. The ball's swung right across the six-yard box. Bent goes up with Ferdinand, both fall over, and the ball ends up at the feet of Modric, just to the left of goal. His effort whistles into the net without fuss - and without Rafael anywhere near his man. That was a defensive calamity for United.
35 min: Ronaldo swings a cross in from the left, but no thought whatsoever goes into the delivery and it's shanked out of play. United were looking very decent for a while, and now this. Still, stunned United fans would do well to remember the recent game against Aston Villa. Anybody seen Federico Macheda?
37 min: Woodgate is booked for obstructing Ronaldo, and flipping him into the air as he does so. Ronaldo gets up to take the free kick himself. It's 30 yards out. He steps up, back, takes a determined run-up and...
38 min: ... blasts a useless free kick straight into the wall. He then, however, strokes the rebound with the outside of his boot, sending a looping volley towards the top-right corner. With the crowd already celebrating a goal of genius, Gomes denies him with an outstanding fingertip round the post. Simply amazing football all round.
39 min: From the corner, the ball falls to Rooney, eight yards out, just to the left of goal. His low effort is decent, but shovelled away by Gomes.
41 min: Jenas is booked for a hard, late challenge on Fletcher.
42 min: United are having a lot of shots from distance. Spurs are hacking it clear at equally regular intervals.
43 min: Ronaldo is sent clear down the right. He cuts inside and welts the ball low and hard into the net. However Berbatov, who had played him in, had clearly handled to get the ball under control at the start of the move. Old Trafford seethes with frustration.
44 min: Evra is all over the place. First Corluka feeds Lennon to cross low into the area - Vidic clearing - then Lennon returns the favour. Corluka shuttles the ball back to Palacios, 25 yards out, just to the right of goal; the resulting effort only just rises over the bar, the ball otherwise heading for the top-left corner. Manchester United are a complete shambles down the right.
HALF TIME: Manchester United 0-2 Tottenham Hotspur. That's a terrible half of football for the reigning champions. Lennon and Corluka have made Evra look ridiculous down the right; Rafael hasn't looked that clever up against Modric on the other side. And as for Ferdinand in the middle... anyway, the hairdryers are about to be turned up to 11.
How they're rolling in Honkers: "Funny thing happened on the international commentary," reports Angus from Hong Kong. "The co-commentator John Gregory was 15 minutes late! He claims he was stuck in traffic on the M6. Amusingly, Gregory then starts talking about what a lovely
evening it is at Old Trafford, and the commentator butts in: 'When I got
here at 1pm...' Zing!"
And we're off again! United haven't exactly been rattling in the goals recently, but with their front line you simply can't write them off here. After all, Liverpool were trailing at half-time at home to north-London opposition this week too, and look what happened there. If that match is any guide, this is going to finish 8-8. With a thundering comeback in mind, Carlos Tevez replaces Nani.
46 min: Spurs kick off and lose the ball within eight seconds. United take another 12 to witlessly thwack it out of play for a goal kick. This half had better improve!
47 min: Spurs are stroking it around quite nicely here. Keane and Modric nearly diddle Rafael down the left, but Fletcher is over to offer support, and mops up. United have yet to start this half. "Has Ferguson thrown the head yet?" wonders Justin Kavanagh.
49 min: There are going to be a couple of minutes injury time at least: Bent crumples to the floor after going up with Vidic, his knee buckling under his own weight as he lands. After a bit of treatment he hobbles off, then comes back on a few seconds later.
51 min: From the middle of the United half, Modric sends a ball dropping around the penalty spot. If Bent had got his head on that, it could have been three - but he misses it altogether, allowing Van der Sar to gather.
52 min: Near his own box, Keane gives the ball away to Tevez as he tries to free Bent down the left. Tevez swings the ball back into the Spurs area - and it finds Rooney in space to the left of goal. Rooney's quickly closed down, though, and his low shot is deflected wide right.
54 min: Running down the inside-right channel, Tevez breaks into the area and hammers a low shot goalwards. Gomes parries at the near post. The corner is cleared. But all of a sudden, United are beginning to turn up the heat.
55 min: Ronaldo gives the ball away needlessly. Modric bustles off with it. Ronaldo flicks Modric's heel, like Tiger Woods flopping a shot over a bunker. He should be booked - but isn't.
56 min: PENALTY TO UNITED! And if that was a ridiculous decision, this takes it up a notch: Carrick breaks into the box after a loose ball, down the inside left channel. He knocks it forward, but Gomes comes out and palms the ball away. Carrick, however, goes over, the crowd roar - and referee Howard Webb points to the spot! That is a terrible decision by Webb.
57 min: GOAL! Manchester United 1-2 Tottenham Hotspur. But a great penalty by Ronaldo, who slams it straight down the middle. Gomes, by the way, was only booked, not sent off. That really would have added insult to insult.
58 min: Tevez is booked for... erm... not sure. It could be anything, knowing Webb. But he's in that book!
61 min: Spurs appear stunned at what's just happened to them. They really need to clear their heads. Here's a moment to do so, as United make their second change of the afternoon: Scholes replaces Fletcher.
64 min: Scholes goes in the book for a trademark tackle on Palacios. He's only about 17 seconds late, so not bad for him. Meanwhile New York resident Jonny Mac is also listening to the international, and indeed intellectual, musings of John Gregory: "After the first goal while watching a reply, Gregory exclaimed, 'Bent gave it some violence!' Maybe I've been in the US too long but I'm sure that's not a common footballing phrase? Is it?" No.
66 min: Poor stuff by Lennon here, who once again owns Evra down the right. But with plenty of time to spare, he hoofs a heavy cross miles past Bent in the middle. Meanwhile that penalty decision was always bound to cause a funky meltdown somewhere. "A perfect, clean save is rewarded with a penalty," notes Roy Allen. "Perhaps we can conclude: 1: That Webb is a hopeless referee (we knew that already) 2. That Ferguson;s intimidation of refs pays off (we knew that already too). 3. That goalkeeping is being legislated out of the game. How long before FIFA and their bumptious idiotic minions with the whistles decide to abolish these irritants who insist on keeping the score down? That was the worst penalty decision of the season. A disgrace."
66 min: GOAL! Manchester United 2-2 Tottenham Hotspur. Rooney suddenly bursts down the left, cuts inside, and hammers a low shot towards goal. Gomes should palm it round the post, but his arm is weak and the shot creeps in. There's only one way this is going.
67 min: GOAL! Manchester United 3-2 Tottenham Hotspur. And there we have it. Rooney checks back down the left and swings a delicious cross into the area. Ronaldo can't miss from eight yards out, and crashes the ball home with a diving header. He whips his shirt off in delerium and is booked, like he'll care.
70 min: United are going to lock this one down now: Rafael is replaced by O'Shea.
72 min: GOAL! Manchester United 4-2 Tottenham Hotspur. And this really is over. The ball's swung into the box from the right. Spurs, their heads completely gone, allow Rooney acres on the left. He welts the ball goalwards, and though the sliding Woodgate takes most of the speed off it, he can't quite stop it creeping over the line.
74 min: Spurs pass it around in front of United's box for a while. It's their first calm period of play for 15 crazy minutes - and it nearly bears fruit, Modric rolling the ball to Bent, just outside the area, and curling a superb effort just wide right. I'm not sure Van der Sar was getting there had it been on target.
77 min: United are just stroking it around now. Old Trafford is in celebratory mood.
78 min: Rooney hares after a long ball. Gomes comes out to head clear. From just inside the Spurs half, he attempts to volley home - but Gomes is back on his line to pluck the ball from the air.
79 min: GOAL! Manchester United 5-2 Tottenham Hotspur. This is just getting silly now. Rooney - who has been majestic for United - sweeps down the left and places a cross on Berbatov's head four yards out. Somehow he manages to direct the ball straight at Gomes, who saves - but the ball then rebounds off Jenas, allowing a sheepish Berbatov to poke the ball into the bottom left.
83 min: Old Trafford are doing that ole, ole thing. Spurs are totally shot. "Sir Alex really is a genius and other Premier League managers should copy him," begins Gary Naylor. "When he or a stooge of his rant against referees, other managers should recite the same lines verbatim about their clubs; other managers should buy £30M misfits regardless of the club's debt (I know one club that does already); and other managers should feel free to conduct character assassinations of fellow football people in the Press, which will be guaranteed to acclaim such boorishnes as mind games of a master."
84 min: Modric slips a delightful ball down the inside-right channel and into the box for Keane, who is suddenly free. He's only got the advancing Van der Sar to beat, but instead of lifting the ball cleanly over the keeper, hits it witlessly into his body. That was a great chance for Spurs, not that it really matters.
87 min: Spurs make a double change. It's arguably a bit late, this gambit. Anyway, the impressive Modric and the hapless Keane are replaced by Bale and Huddlestone.
89 min: Ronaldo gets his hat-trick chance, breaking into the left-hand side of the box just ahead of Assou-Ekotto, but he drags his shot wide right of goal. Here's self-styled "despondent Liverpool fan" Ruairi Hickson, and he's enjoying some gallows humour. "Hello United, welcome to the 60+ Goals This Season club."
90 min: Palacios has a dig from just outside the area. It is comically bad, shanked towards the right touchline, but somehow it finds the feet of Lennon. The winger should score - but only finds the side netting. Happily for him, I guess, he's flagged offside anyway.
FULL TIME: Manchester United 5-2 Tottenham Hotspur. Well. Wow. Seven goals. It wasn't quite the thriller served up by Liverpool and Arsenal the other day, but it was packed enough with excitement and incident - the most controversial moment being, of course, that penalty. Which was one of the most inept decisions you'll ever see. United weren't looking that great before they benefitted from it, either - but then they did go on to score five goals. Whichever way you slice it, they're now shoo-ins for the championship. Harry Redknapp, meanwhile, follows Howard Webb into his dressing room, with a stomp on. Oh to be a fly on the wall. And maybe that ludicrous fanfare does the job after all.
