Here's a thing. More money has been wagered by you, the paying problem gambler, on England winning the wooden spoon this year, than on Martin Johnson's team achieving a grand slam. Oh me, oh my. That it's come to this for once-mighty England.
And what a massive test for them on this opening weekend. Is England-Wales the biggest rivalry in the competition? Maybe. Perhaps. Actually, I reckon yes. The entire Welsh nation certainly wants to beat no other opponent more; if Wales manage to make it four Six Nations wins in a row against England tonight - and two at Twickenham - a lot of punters will be very happy.
England: D. Armitage, Cueto, Tait, Flood, Monye, Wilkinson, Care, Payne, Hartley, Wilson, Shaw, Borthwick, Haskell, Moody, Easter.
Replacements: Thompson, Cole, Deacon, S. Armitage, Hodgson, Hipkiss, Foden.
Wales: Byrne, T. James, Hook, J. Roberts, S. Williams, S. Jones, Cooper, P. James, G. Williams, A. Jones, A. Jones, Charteris, Powell, M. Williams, R. Jones.
Replacements: Bennett, Gill, B. Davies, Thomas, R. Rees, Bishop, Halfpenny.
Referee: A Roland (IRFU)
Kick off: 5pm.
Body language latest: You know how TV sometimes cuts to interviews just before everyone is ready? Well, prior to painting his gameface on for the nation, Martin Johnson was stood in a corner with his head hanging below his shoulders, staring with some distraction at the floor. The scene was a bit like the cover to superb Lloyd Cole drugfest Bad Vibes, only featuring less hair, more neck, and bonus paranoia.
A minute's applause for Bill McClaren, who recently went off to enjoy some lineout hanky-panky in the sky. And it's a veritable stramash of noise. Farewell to a legend, one of the few true greats.
Kick off at 5pm ma hole! It's that time already, and they've only now started belting out the anthems. The arrangement of the Welsh one is ludicrous, with a flute, or maybe a tin whistle, following the melody. Have I joined an Orange march by mistake? Then it's the turn of God Save The Queen. As if that wasn't a bad enough prospect, the choir, band and crowd all proceed to sing it utilising varying keys and tempi.
And we're off! England throw it around awhile, looking no doubt to entertain. Hartley attempts to burst through on the halfway line and gets his chin put on the floor for his trouble. Wilkinson hoofs it forward - and Roberts nervously knocks on under no pressure. England have a scrum on the 22, or whatever it's called now.
4 min: A good confident start by England - a couple of minutes featuring six or seven phases - comes to an end when Flood is turned in the tackle and holds on far too long on the floor. Wales clear their lines.
6 min: England run offside while booting a Garryowen upfield. Hook will have a chance to kick a penalty from 44 metres out, just to the right of the posts.
7 min: Hook makes the distance, but the kick drifts just wide left of the posts.
7 min: Wilkinson is turned down the left flank and is forced to scrabble back to snaffle the ball, with three red shirts bearing down on him. He's picked up off the floor, and flung into touch like an old sock. "Love the Lloyd Cole reference, but think Martin Johnson is better described as Mr. Malcontent, belting out Are You Ready To Be Heartbroken? to the England faithful," suggests Kieron O'Connor, playing to the gallery with Commotion-era classics.
9 min: Wales win their line-out with little drama, but are quickly turned over, allowing England to clear their lines. This is pretty scrappy stuff so far.
11 min: I missed this, but a Welsh player tackled an opponent in mid air, conceding a penalty 15 yards from goal, dead centre. Wilkinson will surely kick that. "It seems from the photo that Orlando Bloom is playing for England today," notes Ian Copestake, angling for a job at TMZ. "I only hope he concentrates on the job in hand rather than spending the whole game slagging Johnny Depp off."
12 min: ENGLAND 3-0 WALES. And he does. First blood to the English. Why have I written that score in caps? It looks terrible. I'll not be doing that again.
14 min: Lee Byrne goes up to take an easy dropping ball, only to spill it forward under no pressure whatsoever. Flood had a chance to gather it and race free, but knocks forward himself. England will have the put-in.
18 min: Kicks are exchanged awhile. Eventually England have a lineout on the halfway line. Easter wins the ball cleanly, and England set up a drive. The ball's thrown around awhile, until Wales concede a penalty 10 yards into their own half for some handling error or other. Wilkinson sends a delicious kick to the right-hand corner; it couldn't be more exact. Then England drive for the line, Easter only just being held up despite crossing the line. This is impressive stuff from England.
19 min: England have the put-in, five yards from the Welsh tryline. It's a real chance, but Wilson collapses the scrum, giving the referee no option but to blow up and allow Wales to clear.
22 min: A-W Jones picks an attempted kick upfield off the boot of our model Care. In the resulting melee, Wales are awarded a penalty: it's another long pot, roughly the same distance as the first one, but on the left-hand side of the pitch. The effort is horrible, shanked well wide right of the posts, much to Twickenham's collective amusement.
24 min: Martin Williams bursts down the left, with everyone looking the other way. After staying on his feet and avoiding falling into touch, he so nearly breaks clear for the tryline, but is eventually stopped in his tracks. The ball's chipped further forward, but Tait is on hand to swallow the ball and call for the mark.
25 min: Tait calls for another mark, this time after Cooper chips a ball straight down the centre and hares after his own hoof unsuccessfully.
27 min: Flood is tackled, but like a small child refuses to let go of the ball and play nicely. Wales will have a third long-range penalty attempt, dead centre this time, Stephen Jones now taking the kick after Hook's wild efforts.
28 min: England 3-3 Wales. Jones' effort is dead on line, with just enough meat to fall over the bar. Actually, I wonder whether caps are better for the score. Do you care? No.
31 min: Monye and Hook take turns to attempt snaking runs through pockets of people. The English player is slightly the more successful, dodging four tackles to the Welshman's two, but neither man makes much headway in truth, and it soon become apparent that I've got nothing else to say.
33 min: The referee is moaning a lot about the scrum. On the BBC, Brian Moore is moaning a lot about the referee. I think he's annoyed that every single decision isn't going England's way.
35 min: Alun Wyn Jones trips Hartley, going nowhere, and is yellow carded. Off he goes to the sinbin. What a pointless act of buffoonery; England were offering no threat whatsoever there. And that's a penalty to the hosts, 30 yards out, just to the left of the posts.
36 min: ENGLAND 6-3 WALES. That's no bother for Wilkinson, who strokes over to restore the English lead. With Wales down to 14 men, this is a real chance to gain a proper advantage before half time.
38 min: Wilkinson sets Monye off on a majestic skitter down the left. The Harlequins man is tackled on the 22, but England go through a couple of phases and so nearly cross the line for a try. The Welsh defence holds firm - though a quick ball shuttled out right would have surely seen Cueto cross the line in acres of space.
39 min: England take a quick free kick, Care nearly jinking through Welsh legs and over the line. After another surge, England nearly cross the line again - but once more Wales hold the ball up, and it's a scrum five metres out. It'll be eight men versus seven there; should be interesting.
40 min: TRY!!! ENGLAND 11-3 WALES. The clock ticks into overtime. England heave to get over the line four times, and eventually Haskell bundles over.
HALF TIME: ENGLAND 13-3 WALES. You'll notice by the scoreline that Wilkinson converted the try. Will Alun Wyn Jones be able to look any of his team-mates in the eye after his needless trip to the sinbin? Not if he's got any shame.
And we're off again! The Idiot is still in the sinbin for two, three, four minutes or so; England have a chance of putting some real hurt on Wales.
42 min: An early penalty, which Wilkinson kicks to the Welsh 22. The lineout's won, and from it Wilkinson so nearly sends Flood clear down the right, but the pass is just behind the man and turned over by Wales.
44 min: TRY!!! ENGLAND 18-3 WALES. Borthwick does a captain's job and rips the ball from a Welsh hand. It sets off a drive down the right, Easter particularly prominent, which is finished with a flourish by Care, breaking clear after cutting inside from the right.
44 min: ENGLAND 20-3 WALES. Wilkinson scoops the conversion over without fuss. Oh Alun!
46 min: What Wales need is an idiot to take them back up to 15 men. Oh look! Here comes one now! Here comes Idiot.
48 min: Wales are awarded a penalty, five metres from the English line, after a long, slow charge upfield. They decide not to kick for the three points, taking the scrum instead. This tactic better work for them, or depression may set in.
49 min: TRY!!! ENGLAND 20-8 WALES. Well, you've got to take your hat off to Alun Wyn Jones, who atones for his earlier mistake by flicking a pass out wide left to Adam Jones. The big man looks around in a panic for someone else to pass to - but there's no-one! He's only four yards out, but can he make it? Yes he can, though only just, powering very slowly over the line.
50 min: ENGLAND 20-10 WALES. The try's converted. Wales needed an immediate response - and they've got one. This is on! Sort of. Providing Wales score next.
52 min: Stephen Jones misses a long-range penalty attempt, out near the left touchline: it's straight as a dye, but doesn't have enough gas. That would have made England consider worrying as a lifestyle choice.
54 min: Martin Williams picks up a mammoth line out and nearly bursts through for Wales. He's brought down, but Wales keep on keepin' on: a couple of phases later, they nearly score, James going over the line only for the try to be disallowed for a hilariously obvious knock-on.
57 min: After four or five minutes of pressure in England's 22, Wales fail to keep a scrum straight, allowing England to clear. It's a missed opportunity: a converted try and a score down, Wales need something reasonably soon, if they want to really make England panic.
59 min: Now it's England's turn to camp out in the opposition 22. Again the chance is spurned, with Armitage knocking on.
60 min: From his own half, James tears down the right at Silly mph, and looks for a split second like breaking past the last England man and racing home for a try. But he can't quite beat the white shirt in a foot race, and is forced to fling the ball inside, in the hope of a team-mate having kept up with him. No such luck, and Monye is on hand to snaffle the ball. That was an exhilirating run, though.
64 min: An increasingly desperate Wales are flinging it around in the aesthetically pleasing fashion now. A crossfield punt is taken down by James, on the move at pace, and thrown inside, but the pass is ever-so-slightly forward. England were very close to being ripped apart and into beautiful ruins there.
66 min: Wales are throwing it hither and yon, attempting to make something - anything - happen. But nothing's quite coming off. This is a pretty low-quality affair, truth be told. Not that England will give a flying one. "Am I alone in observing the lack of cogency in production team on the BBC?" asks Kristian Petterson. "They're switching camera angles at inappropriate times. I feel even more angry about this than Alain Rolland's display at the scrum." Now I know why I was beginning to feel dizzy and queasy despite not having enjoyed a drop of Special French Fruit Drink for nearly a week.
69 min: Wales have just taken the worst line-out in the history of All Rugby. The ball's flung about three yards past the last man, with nobody on hand to attempt to sweep the loose ball up in their arms. This is pretty low.
71 min: TRY!!! ENGLAND 20-15 WALES. From one extreme to another: Hook scores what could easily become the try of the tournament. He drops a shoulder on the England 22, just to the right of the posts. He beats three tackles, then palms off Payne in the face before crashing over the line. What a simply fantastic piece of rugby.
73 min: ENGLAND 20-17 WALES. The try's converted. Oh, England!
75 min: TRY!!! ENGLAND 25-17 WALES. Oh Wales! A loose pass down the Welsh left by Stephen Jones allows England to break at speed upfield from deep in their own half. Tait diddles left, then sharp right, before feeding Haskall for his second try of the match.
76 min: ENGLAND 27-17 WALES. Wilkinson makes no mistake with the kick, and that's surely game over.
77 min: Hook tries another jinking run, but this one doesn't pay off. He's tackled, and the ball's turned over.
79 min: ENGLAND 30-17 WALES. From only a couple of metres inside the Wales half, Wilkinson creams a majestic penalty between the posts.
FULL TIME: ENGLAND 30-17 WALES. And that's it. Wales lost this game by 13 points. They conceded 17 when down to 14 men. Oh Alun! How could you!
