Preamble:
England's police must be mighty pleased that the football authorities' fixture computers have scheduled some of this season's matches with the highest potential for fan violence for evening kick-offs, giving imbecilic fans ample time to quaff their substantial bodyweight in beer before raining flabby punches down on anyone who doesn't cheer for the same team as them. Following the Monday night QPR-Millwall donnybrook in September, tonight Manchester constables will have to contend with City v United, whose Carling Cup meeting on a Tuesday night in January triggered more disorder than Dmub Fcuekrs, the country's leading devisers of anagrams.
While viruses may be playing havoc with fixture computers, they are not, it turns out, giving Sir Alex Ferguson as much of a headache as he claimed yesterday. Because the word is that Patrice Evra, Nemanja Vidic, Paul Scholes and Dimitar Berbatov will all be fit to take on City tonight, suggesting that hints to the contrary yesterday were just another lame "mindgame" from the lord of Old Trafford. What's more, Nani is back too.
And while Roberto Mancini restricted himself, as usual, to balanced and respectful comments about his opponents, Ferg used his pre-match press conference to show who the real "noisy neighbour" in Manchester is by loudly venting – again – about the Welcome to Manchester poster that City erected following the signing of Carlos Tevez. "I don't know what created that – probably some advertising gimmick – but I don't think they can be proud of it," fumed Ferguson, who risks being confused with a victim of chronic constipation, such is the difficulty he has in letting it drop. "I don't see how they thought that would get more points off us as opposed to playing against us on a football pitch," continued Ferguson. "If you ask their supporters I think they would prefer to see a trophy paraded through the city before they start getting carried away like that."
Transparent as such jibes may be, they do highlight one of the two key advantages that United retain over a club that now has better players than them, viz. the experience of winning. Until City reassure themselves with a trophy they will always be prone to bouts of self-doubt or squabbling, unlike United who even when they are playing like mid-table scufflers remain convinced that they will triumph.
The second advantage, of course, is Ferguson's approach: not only do United remain convinced they will win, they tend to actively seek that victory, in the Premier League at least, through the simple mechanism of piling players into the box and supplying passes and crosses, unlike City, who often entrust responsibility for attacking to just three or four players. The fact that, despite spending more than £500m on players, City have scored fewer league goals this season than Bolton, Newcastle and Blackpool – and not a single one from a header – suggests they could do with showing a tad more belief and adventure going forward. Tonight would be a good time to start.
A question: Why is Carlos Tevez so crucial to City? Jonathan Wilson knows.
Another question: What is the friendliest derby in the world? Are there any?
Results just in: Al-Nasr 2-1 Al-Ittihad 2. And in big one at Al-Tawon, it finished Al-Tawon 1-2 Al-Wahda.
The teams:
City: Hart; Zabaleta, K Toure, Kompany, Boateng; Y Toure, De jong, Barry; Silva, Tevez, Milner
Subs: Given, Richards, Lescott, Kolarov, Adebayor, Johnson, Vieira
United: Van der Sar; Rafael, Vidic, Ferdinand, Evra; Nani, Fletcher, Carrick, Scholes, Park; Berbatov
Subs: Amos, Brown, Smalling, Hernandez, O'Shea, Gibson, Obertan
Rafael van der Vaart has been hailed by many as the best signing of the season but I fancy that by the end of the campaign more people will assign that accolade to David Silva, who has been an impish delight in recent weeks (though at three times the price of the Dutchman, not what you'd call a bargain).
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"The Guardian's Daniel Taylor, who has a pretty good track record when it comes to stories from the United camp, insisted on twitter than the flu is genuine," barks Ben Shepherd. "A lot of players haven't been training. It remains to be seen whether that's reflected in the performance. They might not be as energetic as usual in the last 6 minutes of injury time."
On the subject of friendly derbies: "In my experience as a Scunny supporter, I find the Humber derby to be exceptionally friendly," chrips Scott W. "Maybe it's because of the slumbering, well-travelled, long-suffering nature of both sets of supporters?"
Prediction time: I'm saying 2-1 to City, with Tevez and Silva on the mark. Elsewhere tonight, I quite fancy Wolves to annoy Arsenal, West Ham to wallop West Brom and Liverpool to win 3-0 at Wigan, the third a screamer from Konchesky.
7:40pm: "I have to say the new signing I'd most like to have in my team is Cheik Tiote, who was cheaper than van der Vaart and Silva as well," notes Rus. "Mind you, my team is Forest, who last signed a new player between the wars, so I'd be happy with anyone really." It's true that Tiote has been a quiet colussus in the Newcastle midfield. And while we're in the north-east, we must mention Ahmed Al-Mohamady, who has been terrific for Sunderland, who have been the most disappointing Premier League team of the last year or so, in my book.
7:42pm: "Anyone else interested in what happens if Scholes and De Jong go after a 50-50 ball?" wonders Mike Wilner. Chances are neither will connect with the ball.
"Good point on United 'actively seeking the win'," congratulates Cian the One-eyed. "I remember thinking after Hughes complained about the added on time last season that the ref didn't just add it on for United, but for both teams. It's what each team did with that time that counts."
Yes, well ... So much for my predictions: Chamakh has put Arsenal 1-0 up at Wolves in the first minute!
7:48pm: "I believe if Scholes and De Jong go in simultaneously, the fabric of the space time continuum will rip and everything will cease to exist a la back to the future," snorths Hermann Hooker. "Or one red card to each and both teams being down to 10 men for 80 minutes ..."
7:50pm: Pedersen has put Blackburn 1-0 up at Newcastle. "I'd imagine that Scholes and De Jong tackling each other would have the same results as the final fight scene between Neo and Agent Smith at the end of the final Matrix movie," whimpers Paul B. "Some kind of enormous shock wave of energy would be released, hopefully taking out both teams for the foreseeable future."
7:53pm: "On the subject of bargain buys, I think the 21-year-old Japanese attacking midfielder Shinji Kagawa deserves a mention," blurts John McLauchlinn. "He was signed this summer by Dortmund, which admittedly is not in England, for 350,000 euros and has already netted seven goals including a brace in the derby." Can't say fairer than that.
7:55pm: Luke Stevenson has seen the future, apparently. "Scholes is a much better player than De Jong, therefore he will come out of the 50-050 challenge with the ball, do a pirrouette and put through Berbatov for 1-0. De Jong will lose it, kick Scholes in the face, a brawl on the pitch will break out and Balotelli will run on the pitch and join in." It's not impossible, folks.
7:56pm: There's some people on the pitch ... they're the players .... which means kick-off is imminent. Cue an ad break on Sky.
7:58pm: "Apparently Chiek Tiote was badly at fault for the Blackburn goal, which either puts some perspective on your point at 7.40pm, or demonstrates some pretty impressive jinxing powers there," taunts Robin Hazlehurst. "Silva to be out for the rest of the season and/or become the new Robinho now?" It's going to be a long night. So, um, plenty of time for my predictions to get back on track. And on that note, Torresa has just scored for Liverpool. Told ya!
1 min: Tevez and Silva get the game in motion amid a tumultuous noise. Splendid!
1 min: It took Scholes all of 32 seconds to commit his first foul, clattering in to Milner. No booking.
2 min: Tevez ghosts past Ferdinand on the edge of the area and shapes to shoot .... but instead throws a dummy ... Evra didn't buy it, so was able to clear. "Isn't the difference between de Jong and Scholes that de Jong can tackle but chooses to foul and Scholes never bothered to learn to tackle and so just fouls?" quibbles Gary Naylor. "I don't know which is worse."
4 min: City have had most of the ball so far but seldom in a dangerous positions. United seem content to simply keep them at bay at the moment. "I met the advertising guy from Anomaly who dreamed up the 'Welcome to Manchester' Tevez billboard at some digital advertising shindig, he was very proud of all the attention it got," claims someone called Iain. "He reckoned probably half the men in the country had seen it for a spend of just £25k. I'm sure he probably just gets more smug every time Fergie brings it up again ..."
6 min: City are starting to crank up the tempo, zipping the ball around a little faster than in the first couple of minutes. Milner has begun to look lively down the right. Indeed, he has just curled in a sumptuous cross ... but there was no one there to apply a finish, which goes back to what I was saying in the preamble. They really need to thrust more players into the box. Even just one might have done it there.
9 min: One of the reasons that United haven't enjoyed much possession so far is that City have pressed very energetically as soon as the visitors have got the ball, and promptly won it back.
11 min: Barry flips the ball out to the left, where Zabaleta's first touch is treacherous and, in a bid to recover the ball, he lunges into Rafael, conceding a freekick.
12 min: Celtic are losing at Hearts, and Leicester have got their noses in front against Sheffield United.
14 min: Blue is the colour in Eastlands ... and boooooooooo is the sound, as United knock a few passes around for pretty much the first time. De Jong puts an end to that by sliding in to nick it off Berbatov.
15 min: Freekick to United after De Jong, naturally, crunches into Fletcher. It's about 30 yards out, slightly to the left. Nani sends a piffling effort straight into Hart's arms. Pointless.
16 min: The threat from United is growing and Barry is sufficiently frazzled to sloppily concede a corner. Nani's delivery is easily cleared, however. Meanwhile, Downing has given Aston Villa the lead over Blackpool. "Phil Brown is being tested by SSN," frets Paul Neilan. "His headset is tuned to the Liverpool commentary but his monitor is showing the Arsenal game. They're playing with fire."
18 min: Evra is writhing on the ground after jumping for the ball with Boateng. It seems he twisted his ankle upon landing, and his bottom lip is quivering like that of a little girl who has dropped her ice cream. Bet he'll be able to continue.
20 min: Evra is back. Quelle surprise. And he's trotting over to consult with Nani, who's about to take another freekick, this time from the right. The Portuguese curls it towrads the penalty spot but Kompany clears. "Not wanting to sound too dangerous but this is all rather tame at the minute," froths Peter Corway. "I want blood!"
21 min: Dinky one-two twixt Park and Evra on the edge of the area, followed by a sidestep from the Frenchman and a decent low shot that Hart saves.
23 min: Furious abuse for the referee, who elects to stop play when City are in possession so that Nani can receive treatment. The winger went down following a fair challenge from Barry. He hobbles off to get a remedial rub from the physio.
25 min: A response from City, who had lapsed into chasing United over the last few minutes. Naturally, Silva was to the fore, slipping a cheeky ball through to Milner. Vidic lumbered across to put it out for a corner. Which comes to zilch.
27 min: A lull. "I'm torn between my new Call of Duty game and the Manchester derby," confesses Rob Wright. "Still, either way I get to watch a gang of baddies going down like they've been shot."
28 min: Prediction update: WBA are in front at West Ham thanks to a penalty from Odemwingie ...
30 min: United have had the upperhand for the last 15 minutes or so and look the more purposeful. But only slightly because, in truth, the game has been plod so far.
31 min: After Van der Sar thoughtlessly concedes a corner, Milner clips a ball in but United clear.
32 min: Nani chops down De Jong - no, that isn't the wrong way around - and Vidic rises imperiously to clear the ensuing freekick.
34 min: Milner scurries down the left and attempts to cross, but Rafael puts it behind for a corner. Again it's easily cleared. And at the Boleyn Ground, West Ham have equalised! "If this remains even at 90 minutes or Fergie's lot are down a goal or two, how much injury time will there be?" questions Michael Philip. "I believe the rule is five minutes but there are exceptions ..."
35 min: Now this is quite dangerous: Scholes - who else? - clumsily conceded a freekick about 25 yards out, quite central. Tevez curls it around the wall but Van der Sar flies across the goal to bat it away for a corner! Decent effort followed by a fine save. Why, it was almost exciting ...
37 min: Marlon Harewood spooked Villa fans when he played for them, and now he's come back to haunt them again, equalising for Blackpool.
38 min: Tidy defending by Boateng, who poked the ball away from Evra just as the Frenchman seemed poised to cross from a menacing position.
40 min: Nice play from United. The speed of their passing and their ease with their own method and team-mates is making them a slicker team than City. But a crisp move just now culminated with Berbatov weakly hitting an Evra cross at Hart.
42 min: Yet another foul from Scholes, who finally sees yellow for barging into Milner as City threatened to break. That's him out of the next United match. "I'm a Liverpool supporter," admits Marie Meyer. "If you click on the Full table and Atats link under the the Premier League table snippet on the mbm page, you are presented with an 'as it stands' version....I gasped. I may just
stare at it for the rest of the evening!"
44 min: As City attempt to apply some pressure, Milner rolls the ball back to Boateng on the right, who sends a woeful cross way out of play.
45 min: The first real bit of feistiness in the match as Tevez and Rafael square up to each other and, in fairness to the young Brazilian, he's not intimidated by the bull-like Argentinian, and bawls angrily in his face from all of 2 millimetres away. The spoilsport referee comes across to pull them apart.
45+2 min: Vidic catches Yaya Toure late, conceding a freekick at the right-hand corner of United's box. A chance for City to snatch a lead before half-time .... but Silva curls it directly wide. That's symptomatic of a first half that has failed to live up to expectations, assuming you're an optimist who expected thrills to go with all the spills.
Half-time thought: Mancini's conservatism is grating. It will be an outrage if he does not show more adventure in the second half. Get Barry off and throw on Adebayor or Adam Johnson. The way things are going United will sneak this ... "I am Chelsea fan and hope that second half will be as much boring as the first one," hollers Nemanja Mitrovic. And it really has been boring.
Predictions back on course! Piquionne, whom I brought into my fantasy team this morning in a move that many are calling the signing of the season, has put West Ham in front. As for the match at Eastlands, if it stays like this then the inevitable conclusion must be that United are indeed a side on the wane but City are not yet a side on the up.
Predictions off course again, predictably: Rodallega has equalised for Wigan against Liverpool. And Carroll has drawn Newcastle level against Blackburn.
46 min: No changes in personnel.
47 min: United zip the ball about, at least showing some attacking intent, while City seem determined to keep up their sponge impersonation. "With all the England talk around Andy Carroll, when did a national side last win a tournament with a Big Number Nine upfront? Even England didn't really have one in '66." blathers Gary Naylor. Brazil's Ronaldo was pretty big.
49 min: United substitution: Rafael off, Brown on. Apparently Rafael has a sore thigh.
51 min: Evra harshly penalised for nicking the ball off Silva, who then ran into the defender.
53 min: Every City player bar Tevez is behind the ball as United ping it around half-way.
54 min: Nani and Fletcher try to penetrate with a snappy one-two around the City box, but the massed defenders successfully crowd them out.
56 min: United are beginning to stretch City, whose ambition is wheezing on the cusp of death. "Italy 2006 had Toni and Gilardino, two conventional big men," snorts Ben Dunn by way of reply to Gary Naylor's anti-big man theory. "The big man Spain sent on in the last World Cup made them look better. Ronaldo as already stated. The French had a couple of lumps up front in 1998. And west Germany before them had a couple of larger men. So, pretty much all decent international teams have them I'd say., Mr. Naylor."
57 min: "Berbatov!" shrieks Martin Tyler as the United striker acrobatically bangs a volley towards goal after a cross from Brown. Hart holds on to it.
58 min: A humdrum effort from Tevez brings an elementary save from Van der Sar. But that's two shots in two minutes, which is perhaps a positive portent. "To address Gary Naylor asking when the last team to win a tournament with a big number 9 was," beigns Simon Horwell. "Germany with Oliver Bierhoff in Euro '96. He even scored the winner in the final." Naylor, you have been nailed.
60 min: As the tempo of the game rises, and players begin to find slightly more space, Fletcher wins a corner for United. They take it short but Nani wastes the opportunity.
62 min: Milner is down holding his head, having knocked it against Vidic's knee while falling. There will be a pause. Meanwhile, It's 2-2 at West Ham, and 2-1 to Villa over Blackpool.
65 min: Play has resumed following the application of cold water to Milner's head. The whole City team could do with a splash of that to their faces, in fairness. united continue to pass more crisply and purposefully.
67 min: Milner, no doubt invigorated by the water, rollicks down the right and wins a corner. But before it can be taken, United will have to make a subtitution because Evra has suffered a strain of some sort, Enter John O'Shea.
70 min: City finally get to take their corner, and what follows is an air-shot by Boateng and a feeble trickler wide from Barry. Meanwhile, Gary NAylor is not giving up. "I'll give Mr Dunn Luca Toni and Mr Horwell Oliver Bierhoff, but none of the others mentioned (including Ronaldo) were proper Big Number Nines, like Carroll, Shearer, Crouch, Heskey," warbles Naylor. "All the others were at least as much "head up" ball players as "back to goal nod it on or down" merchants. Is Carroll really a new Klinsmann or Ronaldo? Or a new Heskey? And two tournaments, ten years apart, isn't a great return for the Big Number Nine tactic." You forgot Guivarc'h, who was most definitely Heskey-esque for France in 98. On another note, now would be a good time for Carroll to state his case further - because Blackburn have just regained the lead at St James' Park.
72 min: Brown earns a yellow card with a cynical chop on Milner. And that's the latter's last involvement in the game, because Mancini has taken him off and put on Johnson.
74 min: City enjoy a spell of possession and actually come close to creating a chance when Johnson crosses from the right, but Vidic intervened to prevent Silva from getting on the end of it.
76 min: Corner to City after Zabaleta, getting forward for virtually the first time in the game, delivers a cross that Brown is forced to put behind. Silva's delivery is nodded to edge of the box, where Barry latches on to it and let fly with a shot that Carrick clears with his head.
78 min: United change: Hernandez on, Berbatov off. Arsenal have won 2-0 at Wolves.
79 min: Park races down the left and fires in a cross that kompany does well to clear.
80 min: City change: Kolarov on, Boateng off. So Zabaleta will switch to right-back. "Great to see England with/without Andy Carroll being compared to a raft of tournament winners," guffaws Graham Sherriff. "South Africa 2010 simply never happened, did it? Or 2007. Or 2006. Or etc, etc."
81 min: Silva swings a corner towards the penalty spot, where O'Shea clears.
82 min: The introduction of Johnson has given, or at least coincided with, renewed impetus to City, who are beginning to push United back, though they have yet to open them up or get behind them.
83 min: City's brief surge seems to have subsided again. "How about Charisteas for Greece in 2004?" recalls Tom Deering, adding another name to the list of big men that Gary Naylor has neglected. And perhaps Greece are a more realistic model for England, rather than Germany, France or Italy.
85 min: Excitement! An error from O'Shea gifted a shooting chance to Zabaleta, 15 yards away to the right .... but he boomed it over the bar.
88 min: When United get the ball City retreat so far back that they are inviting danger ... but brown lets them off the hook by mis-controlling the ball and conceding a throw-in.
89 min: City continue to invite trouble ... and Carrick darn near gives it to them by spanking one at goal from 25 yards. It takes a deflection and flies wide.
90 min: Carrick fizzes a low pass to nani, who helps it one to Hernandez with a superb flick. Kompany gets back to knock the ball behind rather than let tthe Mexican shoot from the edge of the box. City scramble the corner clear.
90+2 min: Mancini has ordered Adebayor to warm up. What is t he point at this stage? To waste time?
90+3 min: Even with 60 seconds left, Mancini can't bring himself to stick two up front. Off comes Tevez for Adebayor. "Every time I think of you guys doing the mbm, I'm reminded of the scene from the second Matrix movie (I think), where Neo meets the Architect in this room full of monitors, and the Architect keeping a watch over all of them," squeals Rohit Kapur. "I realize in that analogy, Paul, that you're the antagonist, but I'd rather think of you as Neo, dressed in the black trench-coat and with the black shades.
Imagination can be a wonderful thing." I've never seen that movie so I'm going to presume that's a compliment, because I want to.
Full-time: A substantial portion of the crowd boo as the ref brings these rather tepid proceedings to a close. United should be the more happy of the teams, if only because City, despite all the talk about a shift in power, proved that they still feel inferior. Mancini chose a characteristically conservative strategy - the paradox of such conservatism, of course, is that it is risky in terms of his job security: people will be slightly more patient with a manager who fails to get success while striving to entertain than they will be with a manager who fails to get success and simultaneously bores the backsides off everyone.
