Right, that’s it from me. I suggest you head over and join Gregg Bakowski for this afternoon’s Premier League clockwatch. From me, cheerio!

Peep!! PEEP!!! PEEEEEEEEP!!! And that’s that. Not the greatest spectacle to start 2015, but the wind can take much of the blame for that.

90+3 min: Januzaj’s cross is thunked behind for a corner … Stoke clear.

90+2 min: Stoke break dangerously and Diouf feeds Assaidi. He cuts inside and looks to curl an Henry-like effort wide of De Gea but can only plant his shot weakly at the keeper.

90+1 min: … Crouch gets to it first and Stoke clear. Just two added minutes to play.

90 min: Januzaj crosses, Rooney cleverly heads on, and Rafael crashes his effort into Pieters’ face. Corner …

89 min: Mata turns brilliantly inside a couple of challenges but then tries to take on one defender too many. Still United are ending the 90 minutes on the front foot.

88 min: A lumpen touch from Rooney hands Stoke a throw-in down by their own corner flag.

87 min: Diouf momentarily gets in behind the United defence, but is then paralysed by indecision. Ah, the tyranny of choice. In the end he opts to hand possession straight to a United defender.

86 min: Rafael robs Assaidi. Herrera clips a pass beyond Mata. Scrappy stuff.

84 min: A Rooney cross plops into Begovic’s hands. The conditions have been tough but United really have been poor for large parts of the game.

83 min: … Whelan’s cross pops around dangerously for a while before a big boot clear.

82 min: Diouf wins a cheap free-kick after Jones’s silly challenge. Another chance for Stoke to test the United backline …

81 min: Stoke substitution: the completely knackered Arnautovic is replaced by Assaidi.

80 min: Shawcross lets fly from 40 yards, but the ball skews wide and wayward.

79 min: Rafael is shoulder-barged by Arnautovic as United threaten. Then Van Persie slaps a shot wide at the near post from Januzaj’s cross.

78 min: Walters is in acres of space on the right edge of the United area, but Arnautovic can’t find him with his cross-field pass.

77 min: Rooney gets on the end of it again. Another corner … this time straight into the hands of De Gea.

76 min: The wind again causes consternation as Stoke sling in a corner. Rafael nods away for another …

75 min: Rafael does indeed replace the injured wing-back. By the way, you can catch up on the team news for the 3pm kick-offs with Gregg Bakowski right here. Gregg’s in the good books at the moment, after providing me with what can only be described as a magnificent cup of tea before kick-off.

74 min: Young’s goose is cooked here. Rafael about to come on.

73 min: Young is about to get on the end of a cross-field ball … but pulls up after twanging a hamstring. Stoke break but can’t make the most of it.

71 min: Replays show Stoke had a half-decent penalty shout after Crouch hit the post, with the City player trying to bundle the ball in upended by Van Persie on the goal line.

70 min: Diouf sees a thunderous effort deflected just wide. Stoke are pressing hard here.

69 min: … off the post! Crouch flicks on as the ball is curled in, the wind this time providing some assistance, and it rattles off the inside of the post before bobbling tantalisingly across goal.

68 min: Sarcastic cheers from the home fans as Michael Oliver awards a couple of free-kicks to City. The second is in a useful position, wide on the left …

67 min: Chance for Van Persie! He does brilliantly to bring an awkward ball under his spell and then dinks his effort over Begovic but just wide of the far post.

66 min: More musical wind suggestions here from Gregory Phillips and David Horn:

65 min: A huge handball shout as Crouch heads against Smalling’s arm. I’m generally a handball skeptic, but that was surely a penalty – it was from pretty close range but Smalling’s arms were flapping about with wanton abandon.

64 min: Walters slings in a cross, Jones gets there first and diverts a diving header wide.

63 min: Carrick’s pass towards Shaw is overhit. And United are about to make two changes: Falcao, rather surprisingly, is one of those withdrawn, along with Luke Shaw. Adnan Januzaj and Ander Herrera are on.

62 min: Crouch rises highest to meet Rooney’s corner.

61 min: Another free-kick swirls into the Stoke box, but Begovic gathers the subsequent header.

60 min: … swung in by Mata and Begovic is befuddled by the breeze. Crouch, I think, gets his head on it to deflect the cross away.

59 min: Falcao holds off Muniesa on the edge of the Stoke box and this time wins a free-kick. Danger here for the Potters …

58 min: Falcao charges down Muniesa’s attempted clearance but can’t pick up the loose ball.

57 min: Stoke pile on a bit of pressure with a cross or two slung into the United box. Smalling eventually wins a free-kick on the edge of the area after Diouf’s clumsy challenge.

56 min: And now it’s raining.

55 min: Another long pass is hoofed out of play. The wind is ruining this as a spectacle at the moment. Favourite song about wind anyone?

53 min: Evans swings a cross in the general direction of Falcao, but even with the wind pushing against it Begovic is out to gather comfortably.

52 min: I hate to criticise, but since half-time this has been A Bad Game.

50 min: Jones tidies up as Arnautovic bears down on him.

49 min: Pass, pass, pass from United.

48 min: Begovic launches the free-kick forward and it bounces out of play. Wind adjustment required.

46 min: Young looks to find Falcao down the right, but Muniesa is on hand to tidy up and win a free-kick.

Peep! Off we go again. No changes for either team. “To answer Justin Horton’s query regarding pitch facing restaurants,” begins Steve Castle, “at my club York City the ‘executive boxes’ face into the car park, with no view of the pitch whatsoever. Naturally, watching visiting dignitaries attempting to manoeuvre their vehicles into a small space is generally more interesting than watching the 22 men leathering a ball skywards on the pitch.”

Half-time refreshment dept: A hot chocolate that I got from the machine before kick off, so as to drink at half-time as if it were a milkshake. Living the dream.

Peep! Peep!! A scrappy old half comes to an end with the teams all square.

45 min: United are almost caught out by a long throw in to Diouf, but Smalling gets a toe in. And the corner comes to naught.

44 min: Jones has to scramble a clearance as Stoke pop another high ball behind the united backline.

42 min: Rooney flicks the ball on towards Van Persie but Begovic is off his line to claim. The striker is irked, and justifiably so, by the keeper’s unnecessarily raised boot. Cue a shove for Begovic, a bit of shouting, and Ryan Shawcross ushering the striker away.

41 min: The stats are pretty damning at the moment – two shots on target thus far. Both teams have found it very difficult to create anything of note.

39 min: Carrick is the latest to see a through ball catch the wind and fly out of play. A sporting event hasn’t been this dominated by wind and corners since the America’s Cup.

37 min: Rooney, for the second time, looks to rake a Hollywood ball out to Young but overcooks it and watches forlornly as the ball flies out for a goal kick.

35 min: … Crouch very nearly gets on the end of it, but Smalling does just enough to smuggle the ball away.

34 min: Nzonzi surges into the box and his attempted cross is deflected behind. Another corner …

33 min: Arnautovic swings in a cross so vicious it should be kept behind plexiglass, eating fava beans and drinking chianti. Evans hesitates again, and Shaw is forced to reverse donkey kick the ball over the bar.

32 min: Here’s David Wall: “He’s scored now so perhaps it puts the question to bed, but is there a risk of Falcao becoming another Forlan for United? He seems especially keen, to work really hard, and frequently seems dangerous and involved in the play (contrast with Van Persie who so often seems peripheral at the moment), yet he’s not been getting the goals that his play deserves. It’d be a shame if so as, like Forlan, he’s obviously a quality player and entertaining to watch whatever your club loyalties.”

31 min: Evans sand-wedges a ball into the box … where it is predictably met by a Stoke head.

30 min: Stat!

29 min: Stoke have responded well to conceding, with a corner and a couple of useful free-kicks. The latest is swung in from deep and Cameron might do better with another fairly free header, but the chance drifts just wide of the top corner.

28 min: That’s Falcao’s third goal for United. It had been coming, though you didn’t really see it coming from a corner.

25 min: On Sky, Martin Tyler describes Walters as “a willing tool”. That seems a little harsh.

24 min: A better corner from Mata, but Stoke still clear with little fuss.

23 min: This time Jones has some trouble judging a high ball in the wind. Crouch is almost in, but he’s a little over enthusiastic in his challenge and concedes a free-kick.

22 min: Young fizzes a low cross into the box, but it’s just out of the reach of Van Persie and Mata. Begovic gathers.

21 min: Nzonzi has been excellent in front of the Stoke back four thus far, and he pinches the ball from Mata once more to break up another United attack.

19 min: Shocking defending from Evans as Arnautovic’s clearance bounces beyond him. Diouf capitalises on the defender’s hesitancy and he’s clean through … but it’s his turn to spank a shot wild and wide.

18 min: … and whumped over the bar by the United captain.

18 min: Nzonzi wins a free-kick from Nzonzi in a useful position. Central, 35 yards out …

17 min: Shaw surges dangerously inside from the left, but he runs into traffic and United get themselves into a bit of a tangle once more. Still, the pressure is building on the home side now.

15 min: Rooney has a quiet word with the referee as Shawcross bodychecks Van Persie’s run. The United front three just aren’t quite clicking yet.

14 min: It seems to be blowing a bit of a gale at the Britannia, which may excuse Mata’s miserable set pieces to some extent.

13 min: Stoke get men behind the ball as United begin to dominate possession. Young wins a corner … and Mata again picks out Begovic.

12 min: Walters looks to bundle and barge his way down the right touchline, but Smalling gets his body in the way and wins a free-kick.

10 min: Falcao steps neatly away from a couple of Stoke players in midfield, but his pass towards Van Persie is dire.

9 min: “Happy New Year,” cheers JR. “If United’s resolution for this year was to play no defence whatsoever they are off to a fantastic start. Criminy.”

8 min: Falcao pressures Muniesa into conceding a corner. It’s swung straight into the hands of Begovic.

7 min: Shaw nods across the box and appeals for a penalty as the ball cannons off a defender in the vague vicinity of the hand. Nothing doing from the referee, and not much of a protest from any other United players.

5 min: A rousing rendition of Delilah rings around the Britannia. There’s been some talk of banning it recently. It is one of the more unpleasant club anthems in my view.

4 min: Rooney puts Falcao into space down the left channel but his cross deflects of his marker and plops safely into the hands of Begovic.

2 min: Nzonzi pings the ball against Luke Shaw to win Stoke the first corner of the game …

1 min: “Now we have the lowdown on the Tony Waddington Suite and its ‘pitch-facing restaurant’, are there any clubs which have specifically non-pitch facing restaurants?” wonders Justin Horton. “I can think of some hilarious potential candidates, not all of them in West Yorkshire …”

Peep! Off we go then. Stoke get us under way.

Any new year resolutions out there? I’m intending to buy myself a nice armchair. No point in aiming too high …

Click-clack, click-clack … the teams are in the tunnel. United are in blue with red trim, Stoke resplendent in red tracksuit tops.

An email: “Did you notice that the photo of the ticket you have posted for the game prescribes a dress code and goes as far as to suggest that you will not be allowed into the Britannia if you are the sort of person who either cannot afford nice jeans or thinks scruffy jeans are fashionable,” writes Prateek Chadha. “Leaving the clear class undertones of this aside, I was wondering, as one of the many fans that watches the “Greatest League in the World” from a continent apart, is this a common practice?”

It’s fairly common practice in places called things like The Tony Waddington Suite which, Stoke’s website reveals, includes a pitch facing restaurant, fully licensed executive cash bar and dedicated waiter/waitress service. I imagine it’s something very much like the Tony Knowles Suite at the Phoenix Club:

They don’t make ‘em like TK anymore. He broke a million hearts, on and off the table.

By the way, if you found that preamble rather familiar you may have seen it on New Year’s Day 2014. And New Year’s Day 2013. And New Year’s Day 2012. Which tells you that I need a) some new material and b) to have a word with the guy who sorts out the rota.

So an interesting team selection from Louis van Gaal. From that XI you’d expect a sort of 3-4-1-2, with Rooney attacking from deep. For Stoke, Bojan is out with his hamstring injury so Jon Walters comes in.