Gentlemen and gentlewomen, the Mill knows how anxious you’ve all been during these last few days. But now it can safely say that your time and money have been well-spent. For you’re about to witness the greatest miracle of the machine age. Based on the revolutionary Computonian Law of Probability, this machine will tell us the precise location of the three remaining golden tickets. Wait? What? You’re not interested in a golden ticket? What sort of person is not interested in a golden ticket? Come again. You’d prefer some tittle-tattle transfer talk to a lifetime supply of chocolate? OK. You sure now? Right. Your choice. Here goes.
Over in Manchester, Louis van Gaal’s holiday seems a long tim ago now. He went to see the baby-jumping festival in Castrillo de Murcia before driving up the Atlantic coast of France, stopping off to view some of the islands and taste the local delicacies (the lamb brain was his least favourite, though the taste wasn’t helped by the fact that his fellow diner had a great big juicy lump of steak between their choppers). Since he got back, he has been super busy but when he has some down time he can be found in his office with his nose in a book. But not just any old book. He is reading The Violent Land by Jorge Amado and once that is done he is planning to get his eyes on Bahia Blues by Yasmina Traboulsi. He has also been brushing up on his common Portuguese phrases – nunca passar a bola para Phil sob nenhuma circunstância – and the customs of Brazil. You are wondering why the sudden interest in Brazil and all things Brazilian, aren’t you? Well you see, there is a lovely little beach hut going cheap and located just a hop away from the southern beach on Ilha Grande and Louis sees it as a nice place to retire to. Also, he hopes it will help him convince Felipe Anderson that he is a bawcock and that Manchester United is a club worth signing for.
With good news comes bad news, however (bad news, that is, for Manchester United fans). Robin van Persie reckons he will still be at the club next season. And seven more after that. Here are some filler quotes you can skip should you be pressed for time. “No, I’m totally relaxed,” he chilled out. “I have a contract with this club until 2016. Things could change now, but that all depends on Manchester United not me. Believe me, I’m relaxed – I’m not going to be part of a puppet show. In August I’m 32. But I still have the ambition to play for another eight years.” Eight years? Good luck with that.
So confident is José Mourinho about Chelsea winning the league title next season, he is going to give his side a handicap by signing Radamel Falcao. That’s José in a nutshell right there, always thinking of others. Speaking of Colombian strikers, Carlos Bacca has decided that Manchester and north London are places too steeped in sin, too of the flesh for him and so he has kindly asked his Mr 15% to give Arsène Wenger and Van Gaal a call and thank them for their interests in his services but that he must say no. He has also asked them for their respective addresses so that he can send them on a personalised thank you card with some bananas on the front and an inside message that reads: ‘thanks a bunch’. So where is Bacca going then? Let’s let his aforementioned agent explain. “Carlos is deeply religious. And in Rome, there is the pope. And apart from that we are talking about one of the best clubs [Roma].” To Rome it is then.
Lukas Podolski: on Instagram he’s the business man. But in reality, not so much. That’s why he has been told that he is as wanted around Arsenal and/or Internazionale as a pimple before prom night. Poor Lukas and all that work he put in taking photos around the city and doing the hashtag thing that he does. But the German is nothing if not positive and Roberto Martínez likes the cut of that type of jib. As soon as Podolski accepts his request to follow him on the popular photo- and video-sharing social media website, the Spaniard will see how he feels about an up north trip to Everton. Podolski will think about it for a second, realise it’s a good idea and spontaneously start singing Fishnet by Morris Day.
Finally to Liverpool where Brendan Rodgers has agreed a deal for the 21-year-old Inter midfielder, Mateo Kovacic. That should solve all those goal-scoring problems, eh?
