90+2 min: The fact that there have been goals galore all over the rest of Europe tonight makes this dross all the harder to stomach.

90 min: There will be three more minutes. Is that enough time for United to get a clue? “Isn’t it just kinder to everyone concerned to call this snooze-fest off so we allllll zzzzzzz,” says Thabo Mokaleng, nodding off at his keyboard.

88 min: Speaking on BT, Robbie Savage has just summed up United’s search for a winning goal with accuracy and incredulity: “This is what it has come down to: Rooney, in the left-back position, pinging long balls to Fellaini. This is Manchester United at home in the Champions League!”

86 min: Rooney has dropped deeper and deeper in a bid to bring some invention to his team. He’s played several outstanding crossfield balls but, in truth, he has had little to aim at because there have been few purposeful runs in front of him. United have been very pedestrian.

84 min: United substitution: Darmian off, Mata on. Not quite sure why it took so long to introduce the Spaniard. United have been hollering for creativity.

83 min: Young wins a freekick in a fine crossing position on the left byline. Fellaini is the obvious target. Rooney finds him at the far post but the Belgian is off balance and can’t direct the ball towards goal.

80 min: PSV have the swagger now. United’s midfield has disintegrated. They’re lost cohesion and the visitors are looking the better outfit at the moment.

79 min: Bruma snuffs out a United counter-attack, effortlessly stepping in to take the ball off Young. PSV are starting to boss this. All they need is a goal to complete United’s embarrassment.

76 min: Young has had promising flashes (don’t go there) but mostly it is PSV’s tweak has affected the second half more. Their change of formation - three centrebacks and a pair of wing backs - has made them more dangerous going forward. United didn’t create many chances in the first half but at least they had a lot of control: now they’re losing that. Which makes it an unacceptable display so far.

74 min: Chance of the game for United! Blind played a marvellous long pass over the top and into the path of Young, whose cross was deflected into the path of Lingard. The winger arrived at speed and fired first time from 12 yards ... but he failed to keep the shot down and the ball whizzes over the bar!

73 min: Propper hang another bang from miles out. It’s a fierce, swirling effort and stings the hands of De Gea, who gathers on the second attempt.

72 min: United cut apart by a quick one-two. Arias flies free down the right, Rojo nowhere to be seen. But Arais’ final ball is poor. Otherwise PSV could have increased the grumbling at Old Trafford.

70 min: Audible grumbling around Old Trafford as United give away possession again. They’re regressing.

68 min: Rooney is robbed at the edge of the PSV area after he miscontrols. The visitors spring forward and suddenly have three v three. It’s a real chance for the visitors to nick the goal that would put them second in the group, above United, ... but Locadia loses his head and chooses to shoot from 25 yards rather than play in a team-mate. And it’s a woful shot, to boot.

66 min: Pereiro, who has looked nifty on the ball, plays a neat one-two in the box with Locadia. Smalling does well to stop the forward from getting off a shot. There was a moment when it looked like Schneiderlin was going to bring Pereiro down in the box but he pulled his foot away just in time. This match could go either way. Or, of course, stay 0-0. That’s where my money would be at this point.

65 min: Young shows the difference he can make, hurtling down the left and pinging in an excellent cross. Fellaini would have thrived on that if he’d been anywhere near it. Instead he was lurking on the edge of the area. leaving Rooney to try to outjump the three central defenders.

64 min: Now the sloppiness has infected Lingard. He whacks a crossfield pass straight out of play. United are all out of ideas. It’s not clear that they ever really had one apart from knocking the ball from side to side. It’s been too easy for PSV so far.

62 min: Following that substitution, PSV have shifted to a three-man central defence. But they still carry a forward threat, of sorts. De Gea has to save a good long-range shot from Propper.

60 min: PSB sub: Hendrix departs us all too early. Isimat-Mirin arrives.

58 min: Here they come now. Fellaini replaces Schweingsteiger and Young replaces Memphis, who looks deflated at being withdrawn against his former club. But he can’t have any complaints as he hasn’t made much of an impact.

57 min: The subs aren’t on yet. United even do that slowly.

55 min: Schneiderlin, who hasn’t played at all well tonight, loses possession again in midfield. That’s Van Gaal’s cue to tell Fellaini and Young to get stripped ...

53 min: Another errant pass by United, this time from Smalling. It allows PSV to launch a counter-attack. It ultimately comes to nothing - a harmless shot wide - but the threat is clear. This match may be lacking thrills and skills but it’s intriguingly poised.

50 min: United have perked up a touch in this half. Clearly they have been reminded that if they don’t win this, they’ll likely need to go and win in Wolfsburg in the last match. “Watching Louis van Gaal’s Manchester United these days is like watching a chess match: All the pieces are confined to carefully allocated squares, can only move along their set lines, and ultimately it’s all about the protecting the elderly, almost static King,” groans Justin Kavanagh.

48 min: Memphis tries to shimmy past his man at the edge of the area. He creates enough space for a shot and nearly wrongfoots the keeper, but Zoet adjusts and gets down to save.

47 min: Lingard, as in the first half, has been the most sprightly most United players in the early part of the second. His cross from the right narrowly eludes Martial and forces the PSV defence into a panicky clearance.

45 min: A fine Memphis shot from outside the box is pushed behind the post with difficulty by Zoet. PSV mop up the corner.

42 min: Another United corner. Blind delivers a good out-swinger. Smalling wins it under pressure from a defender and helps it on to Schweinsteiger ... and the linesman raises his flag for offside, incorrectly.

39 min: Lingard tries to skip past two defender at the edge of the area. He gets past the first but then Hendrix dispossesses him.

37 min: Chance for Martial! A Lingard shot rebounds off the defender and into the path of the French youngster, whose shot with the outside of his boot fails to pose much of a problem to Zoet. He had a lot of the goal to aim at from about 14 yards and should have done better. Lingard, it should be noted, has been the only United player playing at the tempo required to unhinge the visiting defence.

35 min: Memphis gives the ball away in midfield with an awfully negligent pass. Brenet then dances his way 40 yards forward and wins a corner. They’re gaining in confidence, the visitors. But the corner yields nothing.

33 min: Dangerous break by PSV! Wonderful play by Propper to create space in midfield, leaving Schweinsteiger and Schneiderlin in the dust as he strides forward. He then feeds Pereiro in the box and, after a shuffle this way and that, the striker offloads to Hendrix, who produces a dinky curler from 10 yards that De Gea saves well. If he’d scored that, Hendrix may well have kissed the sky.

31 min: Blind produces his first good delivery of the game. Schneiderlin slides in and gets to it before Moreno, but he can’t make a firm connection and Zoet has time to get down and save the close-range effort.

30 min: Fine cross by Rojo, but no United players attack it. Brenet whacks behind for a corner.

29 min: Rooney, doing a lot of decent work wide on the right, fires in a good cross towards the near post. Bruma beats Martial to it and clears.

27 min: Martial tries to jink his way down the left and into the box, but Arias soon puts paid to that plan.

24 min: Lingard has been busy. Not in the way Jaap Stam famously said Gary Neville was, just that he’s been working hard up and down the flank. On a rare PSV attack just now, he got bck to head the cross clear. United soon resumed their slow probing. “If Hendrix were to be sent off, would it be because the Purple Haze had descended?” wonders Evan Jones.

22 min: A promising speel for United, this. Rooney pulled a lovely low cross towards the penalty spot. Martial arrives and shapes to shoot ... it’s a great chance .... but Martial dummies it, allowing the ball to run to Lingard! That sure foxed the defenders but Lingard seems taken by surprise, too, and he miscontrols it!

21 min: Now that is a good cross! Darmian hared down the right and pinged the ball across the face of goal! PSV bundle it behind from a corner. The delivery is again rubbish but Rooney retrieves it and works it wide to the right, where Darmian sends in another decent cross. Lingard tries to smash it into the net with an overhead kick! But he misses the ball.

20 min: United work Rojo into a promising position ... but he fails to get his delivery past the first defender.

19 min: PSV Change: Narsingh off, Pereiro on.

18 min: PSV still haven’t brought on a replacement but they’ve continued to keep United well at bay despite their numerical disadvantage. United are far too laborious so far.

16 min: Memphis tries to shake things up with a fine stepover and a shot from 20 yards. Well held by Zoet.

15 min: United prepare to take a corner with PSV down to 10 men because Narsingh is off getting treatment for a hamstring twang. The corner is wasted.

13 min: Arias nods away a cross by Lingard, with Rojo lurking with intent.

10 min: I mentioned that PSV’s away kit is similar to City’s home kit. But Pjotr van Rooijen points out that it is, in fact, almost identical to City’s 1985 one. Have a look. Don’t worry, you’re not missing anything on the pitch. It’s heavy going out there.

9 min: The Dutch fans are creating a marvellous din in the stadium but the visiting team aren’t contributing much to the greater good: they’re very, very negative. And United, lacking a jarring tempo, have yet to really look like prising them apart.

7 min: The seventh minute is the cue for United fans all around the ground to switch on the lights on their phone in tribute to the club’s first iconic No7, George Best, who died 10 years ago today.

6 min: Schweinsteiger has a ping from 25 yards. Hard, low and straight at the keeper.

5 min: Nimble play by Martial down the right. After a tricky run he feeds Memphis in the box. The Dutchman flicks it on to Rooney, who tries to do likewise to Lingard but PSV foil that plan. Still, nice try and encouraging for United, who continue to hog the ball.

3 min: United have monopolised possession in the opening minutes and now have a corner, as PSV scramble Memphis’ cross behind. PSV clear the out-swinging corner by Blind easily.

1 min: PSV kick off, with Hendrix getting an early touch. I wonder, is he experienced? (Just getting that one out of the way early doors).

Here they are then, the teams. United are in their familiar red strip, while PSV in an away kit that is provocatively similar to Man City’s home outfit. Needle already!

The teams are in the tunnel, the ball is on that plastic plinth thing, kick-off is only imminent!

Great services that PSV have performed for football, No1: Reminded us that even in the biggest club match in the world, long throw-ins have their place. Zoom to 7:15 of this footage for irrefutable evidence.

Elsewhere in the Champions League tonight, Zlatan is going home! If you want to get a handle on how much that means in Malmo, take a look at this video.

“Should we expect a rough ride for Moreno from the United fans tonight?” asks Robert Hisnay. Well, given that everyone seems to have accepted that his breaking of Shaw’s leg was entirely accidental and he was sincerely apologetic, I’d guess that yes, he’ll be booed relentlessly.

Louis Van Gaal is asked on BT what he believes will be the key to winning tonight. He decides to ignore that and just interview himself instead. “What did you learn of that defeat of Eindhoven?” he begins. “That the referee was not doing right. I think we have to play more quickly but it is difficult because they are always playing compact and on the counter-attack …. and I hope we have a better referee.”

Know that tonight’s other match in this group has ended CSKA Moscow 0-2 Wolfsburg. That means that United will definitely be through if they win.