It is a truth universally acknowledged that the last place a team low on confidence want to come in search of points is Stoke on a blustery winter’s day. That unchangeable law of Premier League life still holds good, though the reasons have changed utterly since the Potters returned to the top flight in 2008. In the early days they used to be famous for no-nonsense, up-and-at-em football, so physical and direct Arsène Wenger once referred to them as a rugby team.
Not any more. Now they keep the ball on the floor and do some quite wonderful things with it. They utterly bamboozled Manchester United with skill and audacity in a first half that saw them deservedly turn round two goals in front, so clearly superior that the Stoke fans in the Boothen End began to chant “boring, boring” as the visitors attempted to put passing moves together. Once upon a time that would have been considered cheeky, but United really are boring these days while Stoke have some genuine entertainers.
The excellent Xherdan Shaqiri set the tone early in the first half by turning Daley Blind inside out and then going back and doing it again. An unequal contest might have lasted for a minute or more had not Ander Herrera come across to kick the impudent winger, probably wondering why Blind had not done so in the first place.
Blind looked as though he wanted to be somewhere else, and when Stoke came again down the right wing he was somewhere else. He was certainly not in position to reach Geoff Cameron’s chipped ball towards the area after the American had left Marouane Fellaini trailing in his wake. A full-back might have cut it out but there was only Memphis Depay in the vicinity, and a woeful attempt at a headed backpass simply let in Glen Johnson to set up Bojan Krkic for the opening goal.
Depay, not looking one of Louis van Gaal’s better buys, was withdrawn at half-time. It would have been harsh to blame him for Stoke’s second goal, a screamer from Marko Arnautovic, though it fell to him to close down the ball after a free-kick had rebounded from the defensive wall and his somewhat token effort lacked conviction.
At least Depay departed having had a shot on target, something his manager will probably offer as proof United are improving. They managed only two against Norwich last week, and had bettered that within the first half-hour here, though what was rather more important was that when Stoke produced their first shot on target, after almost 20 minutes, David de Gea had to retrieve the ball from the back of his net.
Arnautovic, almost as confident and tricky on the ball as Shaqiri, ought to have made it three before the interval but wasted a good chance by shooting too early. There was no disputing which side were playing the more entertaining football, because one side were not coming up with any at all. Anthony Martial was so desperate at one point he went to ground in search of a penalty, did not succeed in fooling the referee but attracted the ire of the home supporters. “That’s just embarrassing,” they chanted. So it was. Sir Bobby Charlton looked embarrassed in the stand, Ryan Giggs was back to being expressionless beside Van Gaal, the manager himself had his eyes closed at one point and will regret it when he sees the photographs.
“You’re getting sacked in the morning,” the home fans sang, not showing much originality but probably venturing close to the truth. The one thing that can be said with certainty is that Van Gaal does not appear to be effecting any improvement. United’s winless run stands at seven and Chelsea are up next.
The manager said he had been working hard all week to lift his team’s confidence, so goodness knows how badly United would have been beaten had he just left them alone.
Stoke did not just deal with them quite easily, they produced all the flair, vision and style. That is what United are supposed to be famous for, yet long before the end their impressively vocal supporters had accepted the reality and lapsed into periods of silence between the seasonal hymns to Eric Cantona.
Stoke were showboating by the close. They could have scored more had they needed to but began to play overambitious passes and attempt improbable shots. The outcome might have been different had Fellaini pulled a goal back midway through the second half with United’s best opportunity, but a reaction save by Jack Butland meant it was just another shot on target, not something to alter the scoreline. United had pulled a late goal back against Norwich in any case; nothing else came of it. “Can we play you every week?” the home crowd wanted to know at the final whistle, uncomfortable listening for a manager once again failing to feel any warmth coming his way.
Stoke are the only club in space, the announcer boasted at half-time, courtesy of a banner taken to the International Space Station by its resident British astronaut. Van Gaal probably wishes he was up there with Major Tim Peake, instead of having to answer questions about Manchester United’s oddly weightless football.
