The first half was boring, the second was breathless. Dimitri Payet scored a free-kick that was as near to perfection as dammit – Paul Scholes reckons David De Gea should have saved it, mind you – and Anthony Martial scored a deceptively accomplished equaliser from close range.

Both were controversial goals: Payet might have been sent off just before his goal, while Bastian Schweinsteiger fouled the goalkeeper Randolph just before Martial scored. Both teams will be happy enough to have a second chance, and they’ll sleep well tonight after a wild, desperate and richly enjoyable second half. Thanks for your company, bye!

90+2 min West Ham are wrongly awarded a corner, which leads to the correct award of a second corner – and then a third, from which one of the West Ham forwards has a goal rightly disallowed for offside. He was miles off; hold the faux outrage.

90+1 min De Gea makes a great save! Antonio seemed to be going nowhere, wriggling around 25 yards from goal, and then suddenly he drilled a cross shot through the legs of Lanzini. It was sneaking into the far corner until De Gea plunged to his right to push it round the post. That would have been a fine save even with a clear view; the fact five or six players were in his line of sight made it even better.

89 min This second half has been relentlessly exciting. The purists must be hating it. Howard Webb makes a good point that Schweinsteiger fouled the keeper Randolph in the build-up to the goal. It may have been accidental, though Howard says that doesn’t matter. Schweinsteiger knocked him into the net, and without that he would probably have saved it. Nobody spotted it because we were all ballwatching. Except Howard.

88 min Louis van Gaal is really going for this: he’s taken off Varela and brought on Darmian.

87 min Carrick drills a low shot just wide from 20 yards. I think Randolph had it covered.

85 min What was Memphis doing there? He ran infield at Antonio from the left, dummied superbly to make space for a curling shot to the far post – and then decided to have another touch and was dispossessed. He has so much talent, and he hasn’t a clue how to use it.

Herrera, on the run, stood up a wonderful cross beyond the far post from the right of the area, and Martial got in between defenders to hook a cushioned volley into the net from a tight angle. He was only a few yards out but, as Michael Owen says on BT, that was a really difficult finish.

81 min Enner Valencia replaces Andy Carroll, who ran himself out of contention with an admittedly rousing start to the game. He should go the Euros if fit.

80 min “I do long to see a properly conceded penalty,” says Ian Copestake. “A legitmate trip or hack down that does not give the recipient time to fling arms up or arch their back while sending a beckoning look to the referee because they are too busy being violently introduced to the grass.”

Perhaps like this, only in the area.

78 min Antonio is booked for a two-footed tackle on Schweinsteiger. As Michael Owen says on BT, the fact he went so low is probably what stopped it being a red card.

77 min Cresswell makes a great block from Herrera’s beautifully struck half-volley. This has been a pulsating second half.

77 min Payet breaks clear from a United corner, in a sprint with the last man Varela. There’s a bit of a wrestling match 30 yards form goal; Varela falls over and Atkinson gives a free-kick. That could have gone either way.

76 min A double substitution: to loud cheers, Fellaini and Rashford are replaced by Schweinsteiger and Depay. It’s probably fair to assume the cheers aren’t for Depay, or Rashford, or Schweinsteiger.

73 min “Howard Webb was wrong about that penalty,” says Kelvin. “That was a dive. The tackle was so late Payet was way past him and there was no contact at all. He should have been off for that.”

You might be right; I’d like to see it again. If so, Payet is to LvG what Ronald Koeman was to Graham Taylor. “The referee has got me the sack. Thank him very much for me.”

72 min Carrick is booked for a foul on someone or other.

71 min That was a ridiculously good free-kick from Payet – not just the placement, curl and power, but visually as well. It seemed to hang in the air for ages as the world’s best goalkeeper flew towards it, before the sound of the ball clattering off the inside of the post gave the first hint that it was going in.

70 min Randolph makes a point-blank save from Martial, though he had been rightly flagged offside.

Oh this is a sensational free-kick! He sidefooted it high over the wall, and it curled perfectly to beat De Gea’s flying dive before clattering off the inside of the post and into the net. That is utterly, utterly brilliant.

66 min Howard Webb says it was a penalty. I’m not sure. I can see both sides! Payet may have dragged his foot to make contact with Rojo. It was a stupid challenge either way.

The game is wide open now, and moments later Smalling makes a superb block from Sakho’s shot.

64 min A big penalty appeal for West Ham! Payet went over after a tackle from Rojo on the right-hand side of the box, and Martin Atkinson gave nothing. I thought it was a penalty at first. Payet has been booked so he could easily have got a second yellow for a dive. The replay will give us a better idea.

64 min West Ham’s second substitution: Sakho on, Emenike off.

62 min West Ham’s first substitution: Obiang replaces Reid, who is struggling with his hamstring.

61 min Rashford receives a short pass from Lingard and spins cleverly behind Ogbonna before hitting a shot from a tight angle that is pushed behind by Randolph. Martin Atkinson gives a goalkick. But he was right about the penalty appeal: Herrera’s shot hit Reid’s leg before deflecting onto his arm. Howard Webb says it wasn’t a penalty, and wise men don’t disagree with Howard.

59 min Kouyate is booked for a deliberate foul on Lingard. Then there’s a third penalty shout from United! Martial found Herrera in the D; he took a touch and drilled a shot towards goal. Reid flew at the ball in the John Terry style, and the ball hit something before deflecting away. We still haven’t seen a replay, but the reaction of the United players – and of Reid, who seemed to be summoning the unique righteousness of the guilty – suggested there might have been something in it.

58 min “Did I really just see an advertising hoarding for Utd’s ‘agricultural vehicles partner’?” says Michael Collins. “Now Fellaini makes sense. He’s actually a combine harvester on a demo.”

I assumed you’d made up that advertising hoarding to facilitate a Fellaini gag. But no. Oh no.

56 min This is United’s best spell of the match, and they have another free-kick on the left wing when Reid fouls Rashford. As for the penalty appeal, no. Martial’s header hit Rashford and rebounded off Ogbonna. Even if hit his hand, it was unintentional.

55 min Payet is booked for fouling Lingaard just outside the box. It’s a free kick to United, by the right corner of the penalty area. Herrera swings it beyond the far post to Martial, whose header back into the middle hits a West Ham defender. That prompts another big shout for handball, this time from the crowd. I’ll be honest, I have no idea whether it was or not as we haven’t seen a replay.

54 min Rojo makes a vital interception just as Carroll is about to lash an awkward bouncing ball towards goal/out of the ground.

52 min “Can you explain to me why so many fans hold Herrera in such high regard?” says Nick Parmenter. “Does he do something that I miss?”

He isn’t Fellaini.

51 min Reid, panicked by the very existence of Fellaini a few yards behind him, miskicks a clearance for a corner. It’s half cleared to Herrera, who crosses back in and appeals unsuccessfully for handball against Ogbonna. It hit him between the legs – “off the thigh area” says Michael Owen – and then bounced onto his arm, so that was the right decision from Martin Atkinson.

50 min West Ham look very comfortable defensively. United haven’t had a shot on target yet.

48 min Thirty-three years ago this weekend, Manchester United scored a late winner against Everton in an FA Cup quarter-final, prompting possibly the loudest noise ever heard at Old Trafford. The world has changed a lot since then.

47 min “In the age of the ultra-sartorial pundit, a hat tip is surely due to Stuart Pearce ,whose suit makes him look somewhere between a broken supply teacher and a man who has spent the night at her majesty’s pleasure,” says James Crane. “Pah to your waistcoats, Thierry!”

What’s your point?

46 min West Ham begin the second half, and within 15 seconds De Gea flies through the air to punch away a very dangerous cross from Antonio.

Half-time thoughts from Pangeran Siahaan “Marouane Fellaini is a post-modern art project not even Shia LaBeouf could pretend to understand.”

45+1 min Cresswell, perhaps the best player on the pitch in this half, smashes a fierce low cross into the six-yard box that is beautifully held by De Gea.

45 min Rashford, despite the obvious rough edges, has been good for United. He has a nice way of turning defenders that brings to mind all those superb back-to-goal forwards that Brian Clough had at Nottingham Forest.

42 min “How would Biff know?” says Luciano Howard of the 38th-minute entry. “The Sports Almanac was only until 2000!”

Oh madon, it was.

41 min Rashford mixes it with Andy Carroll and is penalised. The free-kick is only partially cleared, and when it comes back in there’s a desperate scramble before Emenike’s shot from eight yards is blocked.

40 min Varela is penalised for a naive push on Cresswell, though nothing comes of it. Both sides haven’t exploited their left side as much as they might: Cresswell and Payet v Varela, and Martial v Antonio.

39 min “Watching football is as subjective as seeing someone engrossed in a poem, the responses to which will range from “I like what he did with those clouds” to “hey boys, looks like we’ve got ourselves a reader”,” says Ian Copestake. “I thought Fellaini was scarily effective against Liverpool at times and I hated him all the more for it.”

38 min I’ve just had word from Biff Tannen that Fellaini gets sent off in this game.

37 min United do superbly to thwart one of their own attacks by passing the ball backwards and then sideways a time when West Ham were a little exposed.

36 min West Ham will be really pleased with the first half. They have created the clearer chances, despite having less of the ball – or perhaps because of it???

35 min Fellaini, though.

33 min “That may be true, Ian Palmer (23 mins), but I bet you’re hair isn’t a patch on his,” says Matt Dony. “That’s where the money is. After the game on Thursday (which, incidentally, was fantastic), a neutral friend commented that Fellaini wouldn’t get a game for Villa at the moment. And he has a point. He’d be behind Gestede in the awkward, elbow-y, big hair stakes. Harsh, but fair.”

‘That’s where the money is’. Arf, I’ll be passing that off as my own from hereon in.

32 min Noble clatters Rashford and gets away with it. Fella decides to intervene, and pulls Noble back just past the halfway line. He is inevitably booked.

30 min “Whoever wins this one, the last four will certainly have a retro feel to it,” says Simon McMahon. “As for Fellaini, I appreciate him. He’s the Belgian Terry Hurlock.” I bet he’s never sorted out a pub door, though.

29 min The sharp Rashford’s snapshot is deflected over the bar for a corner. It’s swung deep towards Fella, whose looping header back into the centre is punted clear by Reid.

28 min “As a Man Utd fan the fact that a loss today will push that chancer LVG that much closer to the exit door is already an incentive for feeling at least ambivalent if the Hammers do ‘us’,” says Keeley Moss, “but the fact that now Watford Town, Crystal Palace and Everton have all made it through to the semis makes it even harder to not want the Boleyn boys to make the final foursome a phwoarsome.”

27 min Manchester United’s best chance. Rojo plays a good one-two with Martial, whose return pass ushers Rojo to the byline. He cuts it back deliberately to Herrera, 15 yards out, and he thrashes a first-time shot into orbit.

26 min There haven’t been many chances, but the game has had an open, breezy feel, with few heavy tackles and/or interruptions.

24 min The increasingly dismal Herrera wastes a promising position with an errant pass. He’d be good in the Guinness Soccer Sixes though.

23 min “Fellaini really was awful against Liverpool,” says Ian Palmer. “Like really really awful. Please don’t play that badly again. I can kick the ball out of play and elbow people without getting paid whatever ridiculous amount he is.”

None of you are sophisticated enough to understand what he does.

19 min Martial goes on a fine run down the left and crosses deep to Herrera, whose volley hits Cresswell and goes wide of the far post. The referee gives a goalkick. I’m not sure it was going in, as there was a defender back on the line.

18 min A lovely move from West Ham: Noble to Payet, who plays an inviting pass to the overlapping Cresswell. He lifts a good cross towards Emenike, whose header is comfortably held by De Gea sprawling to his left. He might have done better there.

17 min Anyone out there?

16 min Payet has been quiet so far.

15 min Lingard comes infield from the right and drags a 20-yard shot wide of the near post.

14 min The corner is a poor one and goes straight to Carroll. He makes a nonsense of the clearance, giving it straight to Rashford, who tries to wriggle away from Reid in the box. Reid falls on the ball and Rashford is penalised for a figment of Martin Atkinson’s imagination.

13 min Martial earns a corner off Antonio. From which... (that’s not an attempt to build suspense by the way, the corner hasn’t even happened yet)

11 min The big Fella makes his first contribution to the match with an arm into the face of Kouyate. It was a straight arm, not an elbow, and Martin Atkinson gives nothing more than a free-kick.

10 min Cresswell finds a load of space down the left and swings a good cross towards Carroll, who sends an immense flying header over the bar from near the edge of the area. It was comfortably over the top but it was a spectacular leap from Carroll.

7 min Payet hooks a difficult volley well wide from the edge of the box. West Ham look really lively. If Manchester United aren’t careful, they are in serious danger of being involved in an exciting football match here.

6 min Emenike almost gives West Ham the lead. This has been a great start to the game. Carroll played a delicate – yep – pass over the top of the defence to free Emenike on the right side of the box. His first touch was good but with his second he dragged a shot across goal and just wide of the far post. That was a chance.

5 min A good move from West Ham involving Payet and Cresswell ends with Carroll walloping Cresswell’s low cross into orbit from the edge of the box. Blind is now back at centre half. I give up. Tactics are so over, and so overrated.

4 min Lingard, 15 yards from goal, volleys Varela’s deflected cross well wide of the far post. This has been a fast start from United.

2 min Martial is dumped over by Reid. Martin Atkinson plays a good advantage when the ball goes to Rashford, who surges into the box and is about to shoot when Ogbonna concedes a corner. Atkinson goes back to book Reid, and rightly so.

1 min Manchester United kick off from left to right. They are in red; West Ham are in sky blue. Marcus Rojo is playing centre-back, with Daley Blind at left-back, perhaps because of Andy Carroll’s selection.

There are 9,000 West Ham fans at Old Trafford, which has improved the atmosphere, if not necessarily the joie de vivre of stewardesses on the Euston–Manchester train line.

In case you were wondering, this is when each of the remaining five teams last won the FA Cup

Manchester United: 2004
Everton: 1995
West Ham: 1980
Watford and Crystal Palace: never.

Paul Scholes is back on BT Sport, ready to do another autopsy on his old team if necessary.

The Joy of Six: FA Cup quarter-finals

The first entry is Leicester v Shrewsbury. And if you don’t know the story, you really should get clicking.

That was then and this is now

These two have met eight times in the FA Cup. Here are their best bits.

And if you’re one of those neanderthals who likes words, this is for you.

Watford have beaten Arsenal 2-1 after a dramatic finish at the Emirates Stadium. They join Crystal Palace, Everton and either Manchester United or West Ham in the last four, and they will all fancy their chances of winning it.

Watford now lead 2-0 at the Emirates. Yep.