Bayern Munich’s David Alaba wants to go to Barcelona – but only if he can play in central midfield and have the Camp Nou named after him and have Lionel Messi clean his boots for him and Luis Suárez collect his laundry for him.

Arsenal have lined up Borussia Dortmund’s Henrikh Mkhitaryan, Borussia Mönchengladbach’s Granit Xhaka, Juventus’s Álvaro Morata and Internazionale’s Mauro Icardi. 2017 will be the year. As an aside, Arsène Wenger is also sniffing around an unheralded Lille striker, Sehrou Guirassy, currently on loan at second division Auzerre. The Mill’s just going to leave that there.

Cristiano Ronaldo is off to Paris Saint-Germain in the summer. The super-agent Jorge Mendes, soon to star in his own Marvel film, has decided it will happen.

Tottenham Hotspur are casting furtive glances at Atlético Madrid’s jinking Bayern slayer, Saúl Ñíguez, and are willing to make him their highest-paid player. Ryan Mason will be furious.

Liverpool’s hopes of signing Mario Götze have been boosted by the news that the incoming Bayern manager, Carlo Ancelotti, is cool on him.

Raphaël Varane wants to join Manchester United as long as José Mourinho replaces Louis van Gaal and he is given assurances that he never has to sit next to Jesse Lingard on the bus.