Say it ain’t so, N’Golo! Today’s edition of Google Translate says that N’Golo Kanté will begin the break-up of Leicester’s league-winning team by moving to Real Madrid. Kanté will follow other Feeder League stars of the past 15 years – Ronaldo, Alonso, Beckham, Gravesen – and serve as a replacement for Claude Makélélé, just 13 years after Madrid sold him in an act of egregious hubris. But he also has the option of going to Paris Saint-Germain, should he so wish.
Real Madrid’s coach, future Bond villain Zinedine Zidane, also wants the occasional genius of Eden Hazard. He’ll offer £40m plus human pawn Álvaro Morata. While they’re getting rid of Belgians, Chelsea will also consider offers in excess of sanity for Thibaut Courtois.
According to Mundo Deportivo, new Manchester United manager José Mourinho will do anything for Neymar. Even that.
In the new series of Surprise Surprise, Jürgen Klopp will be reunited with Dortmund defender Neven Subotic. Backstage, Sam Allardyce and Mark Hughes will grumble about how they wanted Subotic first.
Allardyce is one of 472 men touted for the England job in today’s papers, a list that also includes Arsène Wenger, Glenn Hoddle, Jürgen Klinsmann, Laurent Blanc, Luiz Felipe Scolari, Steve Bruce, David Beckham, Gareth Keenan, Richie Aprile, Jeffrey Lebowski and Jessica Fletcher.
Wenger has reportedly “refused to rule out” a move for Lyon striker Alexandre Lacazette, a stance the Arsenal manager determinedly maintained even when being tortured via the medium of cattle prod by impatient hacks in need of a scoop to partially justify their existence.
Crystal Palace want Christian Benteke. Liverpool want £30m. As you were.
Napoli want the artist formerly known as Radamel Falcao.
Pep Guardiola is still desirous of John Stones, and will offer Manchester City misfit Wilfried Bony as part of a potential deal, but only if Everton sell Romelu Lukaku first.
Newcastle’s attempt to return whence they came will be aided by the signings of Dwight Gayle from Crysal Palace and Matt Ritchie from Bournemouth, though Andros Townsend is likely to do one, possibly to Palace.
Some final bits and bobs: Japan striker Takuma Asano says he has been approached by Arsenal; West Brom would like Atlético Madrid’s Borja Baston, and their interest will spark an unlikely friendship between Tony Pulis and Diego Simeone that will eventually manifest itself in an offbeat buddy movie directed by Shane Black and called Two Banks of Four; and Norwich want to make Sunderland’s unwanted striker Steven Fletcher feel wanted.
