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90+5 min Ramsdale makes yet another save, leaping to his left to tip Fred’s shot over the bar.

90+2 min Ramsdale makes another save, falling to his left to push away Fernandes’s long-range shot.

90+2 min Pogba’s curling free-kick is punched away by the flying Ramsdale. Good save.

90+1 min Gosling fouls James 25 yards from goal. Mata, Fernandes and Pogba are over the ball.

90 min Five minutes of added time.

89 min A wildly entertaining match is finally starting to peter out.

84 min And now Ighalo misses an excellent chance, clipping the ball wide of the far post after running onto Fernandes’ through pass. He should have scored.

83 min Ramsdale makes a fine block from Shaw, who poked the ball towards goal after pulling down Pogba’s lovely crossfield pass.

81 min Kelly lunges to make a vital last-ditch tackle on James just outside the area.

80 min United make their final changes: Mata and Ighalo replace Rashford and Martial.

80 min A lovely deep cross from James is muffed by Rashford beyond the far post. I think Martial got in his way.

79 min Martial wriggles away from Kelly, who recovers excellently to block Martial’s shot at the expense of a corner. It’s cleared by Rico.

78 min Rashford’s low cross flashes across the area, just in front of Martial (who was offside) and James (who wasn’t). In the other Premier League game, Jamie Vardy has scored his 100th Premier League goal to put Leicester 2-0 up against Crystal Palace.

77 min Jack Stacey comes on for Bournemouth, replacing Adam Smith.

75 min Another change: Dan James replaces the remarkable Mason Greenwood.

74 min The corner is sliced towards his own goal by King, and Ramsdale dances across his line to make a comfortable save.

73 min After some lovely, quick build-up play, Martial’s shot deflects wide off Ake.

70 min A replay of the Fernandes goal suggests that Matic’s heel was offside, and he was close to Ramsdale’s eyeline so I’m surprised it wasn’t disallowed. I don’t really understand the laws of football any more.

69 min The last time United scored six in a league game was the 8-2 win over Arsenal in August 2011.

68 min “Somewhat ironically, I was just mumbling to myself the other day that the only goals that won’t be VAR-checked (and enjoyed with full elan) will be from free kicks,” says Matthew Richman. “How I do appreciate being corrected.”

66 min Three changes for Bournemouth. Harry Wilson, Dan Gosling and Philip Billing replace Stanislas, Solanke and Lewis Cook. And Manchester United have brought Fred on for Nemanja Matic.

66 min: Rashford has a goal disallowed for offside. It’ll be checked. It was a great move from United, which ended with Rashford sliding in Wan-Bissaka’s cross. It’s extremely close, but his knee was just offside.

61 min Ramsdale probably shouldn’t have been beaten on that side. In his defence, Fernandes absolutely smashed it.

GOAL GIVEN! Bournemouth thought Matic was offside when Fernandes took the free-kick. VAR decided not.

58 min Kelly fouls Martial just outside the area. Pogba and Fernandes are over the ball.

58 min A vicious long-range shot from Pogba is blocked by Ake.

55 min VAR checked for offside against Rashford in the build-up. It was very tight but the goal stands.

This kid is a star. That’s his 15th goal of the season, and it was unstoppable. Matic found him with his back to goal on the edge of the D. He turned and veered to the right, away from Rico, before blistering a rising drive back across goal. It went through the fingers of the leaping Ramsdale and into the top corner. Greenwood has beaten Ramsdale for pace on both his goals, once with his left foot and once with the right.

51 min: Danjuma has a goal disallowed for offside! Bournemouth are all over United at the moment. They broke three on three, with Danjuma beating de Gea with a nonchalant toepoke. But he was offside when King put him through on goal.

50 min That was a shambolic start to the second half by United. Maguire’s sloppy pass eventually led to Danjuma hitting the post; then Matic played an equally loose pass towards Bailly that he had to control with his shoulder/arm.

49 min: Penalty given! That’s the right decision.

What a start to the second half. This is all a bit of a mess, and VAR are checking whether a) it came off Bailly’s shoulder or the arm and b) whether it was inside the area. Both are very close. I’m not sure there’s enough evidence to overturn the original decision, so I think the penalty decision will stand.

47 min: Danjuma hits the post! And now Bournemouth have a penalty for handball by Bailly!

46 min Peep peep! United begin the second half in driving rain. Eric Bailly has replaced Victor Lindelof at half-time, while Arnaut Danjuma is on for the injured David Brooks for Bournemouth.

Half-time reading

Anthony Martial gets his 20th goal of the season, and it’s a beauty. United moved the ball patiently from side to side, looking for an opening. Eventually Fernandes found Martial on the left, just outside the area. Shaw made a good overlapping run to distract the defence, which allowed Martial to zip infield and curl a quite glorious shot into the far top corner. Brilliant.

45 min Three minutes of added time.

42 min The corner is headed way by Rashford.

41 min King teases Lindelof and wins a corner for Bournemouth.

40 min Bournemouth have been bright on the break, so they aren’t out of this game yet.

38 min “Bloody Adam Smith,” says Ian Copestake. “He should stick to a being a Scottish economist, philosopher, and author as well as a moral philosopher, a pioneer of political economy, and a key figure during the Scottish Enlightenment, known as ‘The Father of Economics’’ or ‘’The Father of Capitalism.’ The [redacted].”

36 min: Brooks has a goal disallowed! It came after a couple of dodgy passes, first by de Gea and then Maguire, but Solanke was offside in the build-up.

PENALTY TO UNITED! The corner leads to a scramble in the Bournemouth area and a clear handball from Adam Smith.

32 min Rashford’s fierce long-range shot hits Ake and deflects wide.

31 min Lerma is booked for a foul on Martial.

Rashford, on the right, cut the ball back to Fernandes on the edge of the area. He played a fine square pass that took four defenders out of the game and found Greenwood. His first touch was immaculate, pushing the ball into space so that he could lash it through Ramsdale with his second. That’s Greenwood’s 14th goal of the season, and he’s still only 18. He is quite something, probably the best young English finisher we’ve seen since Robbie Fowler.

28 min Bournemouth look dangerous going forward, Stanislas in particular. It’s a really intriguing game.

26 min After a fine move from United, Wan-Bissaka’s low cross is cleared by Kelly inside the six-yard box.

26 min Lots of United pressure, though Bournemouth are defending really well at the moment.

23 min Stanislas wallops a bouncing ball over the bar from long range. He’s made a very confident start.

21 min Fernandes’s corner clears everyone and comes to Shaw on the edge of the area. His shot is blocked by Brooks. Moments later, Pogba drives an angled pass to Rashford, who heads the ball back across the area towards Greenwood. Ramsdale flies from his line to dive at Greenwood’s feet and knock the ball off him for a goalkick. Good goalkeeping.

20 min “A penny,” says Ian Copestake, “for Roy Keane’s thoughts.”

19 min: Good save from Ramsdale! Rashford curled the free-kick over the wall towards the far corner, and Ramsdale dived to his right to palm it behind.

18 min Pogba is fouled by King 25 yards from goal, slightly to the right of centre. Fernandes is over it.

That was a lovely bit of skill from Junior Stanislas. His first shot was blocked by Maguire, with the ball rebounding towards the byline. Stanislas drew Maguire in, nutmegged him impudently and whipped a shot past de Gea from a very tight angle. He probably shouldn’t have beaten de Gea at the near post but the nutmeg was brilliant.

13 min This is a good spell for United, with Bournemouth struggling to get out.

10 min: Fernandes misses an excellent chance! United should be ahead. Rashford, just inside his own half, curled a superb pass over the Bournemouth defence to release Fernandes, who took the shot first time from the edge of the area. He lobbed it over the outrushing Ramsdale, but his touch was a bit heavy and it also cleared the crossbar.

8 min “You all make too much of people making perch references (is there no free play of signifiers anymore?),” says Ian Copestake. “For instance, some Liverpool fans enjoy the fact that when Fergie spluttered it out he nevertheless did so by referring to ‘their’ perch.”

7 min Matic turns into trouble just outside the United area. Solanke nicks the ball off him and moves into the area, but Matic recovers to make a good tackle.

6 min Bournemouth haven’t just come for a 0-0; they are pushing plenty of players forward when they break.

4 min Nothing to report as yet. United have made a dominant start.

1 min Peep peep! Bournemouth, in their sky blue change strip, kick off from right to left.

“Fergie said that perch thing off-handedly in the early noughties,” says Digvijay Yadav. “That a lot of Liverpool people have brought it up straight away tells you how much it irked them and how long they have been holding it inside them. Like an English cricket fan waiting to snipe at the Aussies during the 90s.”

The interesting thing is that Fergie didn’t really knock them off their perch at all; George Graham and Arsenal did, with a bit of help from Steve Coppell and perhaps Graeme Souness. But he did clamber atop the vacant perch and do a silly little jig for the next two decades.

Pre-match music

In other news deparment

“Hey Rob,” says J.R. in Illinois. “So are you excited for Superspeader Saturday or what? Will you be done working in time to go out for a couple yards later? Or maybe you were able to get to the pub when it opened at 6am to suck down a few pints before work? Well, over here in the U.S. of ‘Murica every day is Superspreader Day and yesterday our genius president got the holiday weekend off to a flying start with a lovely get together in the hopes of further dividing the country with the added bonus of likely increasing the spread of a deadly pandemic.”

This year has been a particularly absurd series of the Truman Show.

Pre-match reading

“From back atop our perch I feel generous enough to give Man Utd fans a tip,” says Ian Copestake. “With Bruno Fernandes in your team you have a great opportunity to do a chant to the tune of “Danny Nedelko” by Idles.”

How many times: LIVERPOOL ARE NOT BACK ON THEIR PERCH!!!!! (Yet.)

Bournemouth have never won at Old Trafford, not even back in the days when they were Bournemouth and Boscombe Athletic. That isn’t a completely bad thing, though. An unlikely and historic win today would be a fine way to start a great escape.