Welcome to the fourth Football Daily Christmas Awards. This is the bit where, in our old guise, we would bang on about becoming so jaded that we’d lost count of how many years we’d been churning out this old tat. Hmm … So OK, here we are, refreshed and ready to go! Pour yourself a pint of wine, throw your boots up on the desk, decompress, de-depress, and enjoy!
THE BATTLEFIELD EARTH AWARD FOR GOOD MONEY AFTER BAD
Liverpool’s Premier League title banked, now to spend nearly half a billion on new players. Milos Kerkez! Jeremie Frimpong! Florian Wirtz! Hugo Ekitiké! New contracts for Mohamed Salah and Virgil van Dijk! Trent who!? And last, but no means least, Alexander Isak! What could possibly go wrong? Just about everything, it turns out, as Arne Slot’s new team make the most uncomfortable assimilation into Merseyside life since Simon the Mancunian Messiah began a death cult on Brookside Close.
THE JACK CARTER AWARD FOR RETURNING LOCAL HERO
Two years in, and Big Sir Jim Ratcliffe’s Make Manchester United Great Again stratagems continue to hit the buffers. They never really left Piccadilly station. The Failsworth via Beverley and Monaco billionaire has continued to reduce headcount and look to flog off premises, chisel staff benefits while hiking ticket prices. Still the club’s debt continues to rise as Ruben Amorim’s team oscillates wildly between being unwatchable – as in losing the Bigger Vase final to Spurs – to games spinning beyond sense. All while a surly Amorim didn’t ask to be born, you know. Sir Big Jim meanwhile has started to focus on investments outside of the UK, where many fans wish he would stay. That all said, published plans for a new Old Trafford resembling an outsize circus tent suggest the old boy retains some sense of irony.
THE OLE GUNNAR SOLSKJÆR AWARD FOR PULLING A COUPLE OF BIG WINS OUT OF THE HAT SECONDS BEFORE THE WALLS FINALLY CLOSE IN
Amorim. Not entirely sure this is good news for United fans.
THE BARRY SPENCER TAYLOR AWARD FOR BOSTIN’ BABS
In the final year of the dark lord Ozzy Osborne, England’s much overlooked West Midlands have been a haven of Big Stuff Happening. Aston Villa missed out on returning to Bigger Cup after ropey VAR-ing on the Premier League’s final day. A summer of wailing in lugubrious Brummie tones followed as pesky profit and sustainability rules meant Unai Emery’s squad was trimmed rather than fattened. The result: the Villa as good as ever. Better, even. Across town, the two Toms, Wagner and Brady, high-performanced Birmingham City into a bastion of Brumminess, League One conquered and new stadium plans a cross between Disney’s Magic Kingdom and the cover of the Floyd’s Animals. The winningest quarterback exec-produced a sub-Wrexham doc where the denouement was to be Blues winning the Freight Rover Trophy. A Hollywood ending? Nope, a Posh one, Peterborough won at Wembley. With apologies to West Brom and Walsall, what about Wolves? Ah.
THE HAMSTER HAMMOND AWARD FOR NOT QUITE HITTING TOP GEAR
As part of a man-management masterclass, Brendan Rodgers compared his Celtic team to a Honda Civic attempting to keep pace with a Ferrari. Given the Bhoys had just lost to Dundee, some were surprised he didn’t go the whole hog and liken his team to a jalopy with square wheels, doors that fall off to the sound of Swanee whistles, and an exhaust pipe with all smoke and glitter coming out of it. It was, of course, an attempt to get the board to open the transfer coffers, but the gambit didn’t work and Rodgers was out on his ear soon after. PS: oh Wilfried!
THE ALLY MACLEOD AWARD FOR MOST HEARTBREAKING YET AMUSING, ENTERTAINING, BITTERSWEET AND GLORIOUSLY WILD WORLD CUP CAMPAIGN OF ALL TIME
We’re going well early with this one, because everyone can see this is already a shoo-in for Scotland, six months out. For it is written. The direction of travel after The Denmark Game™, the greatest feelgood story ever told, can only head one way. For this is Scotland. An inept opening loss to Haiti. A scrappy undeserved draw against Morocco. Then a glorious win over Brazil, Andrew Robertson somehow bundling one past his club teammate Alisson in the third minute as the prelude to an 87-minute rearguard action involving both posts, the crossbar, two missed penalties, three goalline clearance and 14 marginal VAR decisions (eight offside by less than an inch, six extremely generous handballs). Then missing out on the next round as one of the better third-place finishers by one goal. For it is told. But would any die-hard romantic have it any other way? To be honest: yes.
THE NICK DRAKE AWARD FOR DOWNBEAT TROUBADOURISM
Football Daily is far from a music snob. Some of our favourite pre-match music is by the likes of Gerry and the Pacemakers, John Denver, and the Band Of The Grenadier Guards, while Hi-Ho Silver Lining (Jeff Beck) and Hey Jude (John, Paul, George, Ringo, Mick and Tich) are hardly achingly trendy deep cuts. And yet we feel confident enough to assert that North London Forever is an aural atrocity, its limp denouement akin to the sensation of tepid water pumped into the ears, but without the benefits of dissolving or dislodging any impacted wax. But we’re not 100% sure what Arsenal should replace it with. Guns of Brixton? It’s more rousing, and while there’s a fairly glaring problem in the title, the one they’re using now isn’t exactly geographically or historically accurate given the club’s origin story, so let’s not pull too hard at threads. In any case, Brixton’s only 10 stops away on the Victoria Line, so we say go for it. Naturally we recommend the Nouvelle Vague version.
THE CHARLI XCX AWARD FOR SUPERCOOL
Chloe Kelly, who came on to save the day against Sweden, came on to save the day against Italy, came on to save the day against Spain, and slotted home Euro 2025’s winning penalty. All with the studied insouciance of someone who just knew she had just enough time to sort everything out, and did exactly that while barely breaking sweat. England’s player of the tournament from a team of heroes all, though she was run close by Michelle Agyemang (last-gasp drama), Jess Carter (heartwarming redemption story) and Lucy Bronze (unambiguous approach to one-on-one combat that somehow escaped censure while shearing the needle clean off our patented No-Nonsense-o-meter™©®).
THE ARMITAGE SHANKS AWARD FOR SERVICES TO THE GLOBAL GAME
Everyone outside the London Borough of Hammersmith and Fulham will by now have completely forgotten that the Copa Gianni happened at all. But it happened all right, even if it feels like a fever dream. In time, it’ll be remembered for three things: the beginning of Xabi Alonso and Trent Alexander-Arnold’s Real Madrid careers; the beginning of the end of Xabi Alonso and Trent Alexander-Arnold’s Real Madrid careers; and Donald Trump squirrelling away the original trophy, then pocketing a medal at the trophy lift. Trump has since been gifted a bespoke world peace gong; if he can somehow make off with the World Cup itself next summer, he’ll have accumulated more than enough Fifa gold to melt down and strike that 24-carat toilet he’s been dreaming of for years. Reports that the mould has already been cast, and forms the shape of Gianni Infantino’s open mouth, are as yet unconfirmed.
THE WILLIE WADDELL / DAVID HAY AWARD FOR BREAKING HEARTS
Everyone outside of Parkhead and Easter Road is hoping and praying the Jambos can break the Old Firm’s 40-year stranglehold on the title. Everyone also knows that Waddell’s Kilmarnock pipped them on the last day of the 1964-65 campaign on goal average; that Hay’s Celtic nipped ahead of them on goal difference during the final knockings of the 1985-86 season, seven minutes from glory, Dundee’s Albert Kidd, all that; and had the goal average/difference rules been switched vice versa between those aforementioned seasons, Hearts would have prevailed on both occasions. So how will Hearts be shattered this time? Goals scored? A playoff decided by a dubious last-second penalty? Whichever team has the nicest third kit? Whatever, we’re awarding this to whoever’s managing Celtic come April. Perhaps this is premature; if history is any guide, it’s almost certainly accurate.
THE AARON RODGERS / JAY LENO AWARD FOR NOT REACTING IN A COLLEGIATE FASHION TO PERFECTLY REASONABLE SUCCESSION PLANNING
Mohamed Salah, whose response to Liverpool signing Bayer Leverkusen duo Jordan Love and Conan O’Brien was to launch his toys from the pram with such feeling and spectacular velocity that he inadvertently qualified for both shot put and javelin at the 2028 Olympics.
THE ERIK TEN HAG AWARD FOR MOST ILL-ADVISED CONTRACT EXTENSION
Having dragged Wolves clear of relegation and celebrated with fans down the pub, Vítor Pereira admittedly had some credit in the bank when his team lost their first five games of the season. Still, handing a shiny new three-year contract to a coach who has burned through 15 clubs in his managerial career was a bold move, to say the least. Six weeks, zero league wins and an angry row with fans later, Pereira was given the boot. Enter Rob Edwards to … oh.
THE NINE LIVES AWARD FOR LANDING ON THEIR FEET
An honourable mention for Ivan Juric, rewarded for dismal stints in charge of Roma and Southampton with a plum job at Serie A and Bigger Cup dark horses Atalanta. Except poor Ivan managed to balls things up again, lasting barely three months. So instead, the gong goes to Julen Lopetegui. Handed the keys to a West Ham rebuild, the Spanish manager succeeded only in boring fans to tears, so the board sacked him in January, opting to repeat the same doomed cycle with Graham Potter. In May, Lopetegui took the Qatar job, winning his first qualifier against 10-man, already-qualified Iran. After five games without a win, Qatar tackled the UAE on home soil, winning 2-1 and booking a Geopolitics World Cup spot. Nice work if you can get it, and Julen certainly seems to be enjoying life in Doha.
THE LIZ TRUSS AWARD FOR CRASHING AND BURNING SPECTACULARLY
Ange Postecoglou’s stint in charge of Spurs was an extremely mixed bag, but he left with a trophy promise fulfilled and the pick of next gigs to further build his reputation. Big Ange opted to hurl himself into the bin fire at Nottingham Forest, a club whose players and fans did not want a new manager. After a very public parting of ways with Nuno Espírito Santo, owner Evangelos Marinakis could not resist hiring a coach who had “promoted Greece” with his Bigger Vase win – despite Ange’s uncompromising playing style being the complete opposite of the conservative approach favoured by Nuno. The experiment lasted eight winless games, with Forest fans singing “sacked in the morning” during a loss to Midtjylland. After a collapse at home to Chelsea, Marinakis couldn’t even wait that long, getting out of his comfy seat mid-game to type up the P45. “I went out to do some running, came back to the dressing room and he was gone,” sighed Ryan Yates of Postecoglou’s exit. So ended the shortest permanent managerial reign in Premier League history, 40 days of chaos that is still being cleaned up by Sean Dyche, the kind of no-nonsense survivalist who makes Nuno look tactically expansive.
THE ALAN PARTRIDGE AWARD FOR WORST WATERFRONT BREAK
It’s hard to recall a new manager as immediately unpopular as Russell Martin at Rangers, whose fans made Forest supporters’ treatment of Postecoglou seem charitable. Arriving six months after an historically awful attempt at Premier League survival with Southampton, Martin immediately irritated some supporters by refusing to wear a suit on the touchline. Much worse was to come: repeated and very public digs at his players, a 9-1 aggregate gubbing by Club Brugge in Bigger Cup playoffs and a winless league start that left Rangers 10th in the table. As fans made their feelings clear with banners and a catchy “we hate you Martin” chant, the manager took his players wild swimming in Loch Lomond. Could it stop the team treading water? No. Three weeks later, with fans crowding around the team bus after a 1-1 draw at Falkirk, Martin slipped out the side door – and went back to Loch Lomond for some post-sacking recovery work.
THE DILLY-DING DILLY-DONG AWARD FOR PROVING PEOPLE WRONG
OK, there might not be a title parade in either TW8 or SR5 next May, but a tip of the hat must be offered to both Brentford and Sunderland for defying the doom-mongers (and Big Website) this season by keeping well clear of relegation trouble. Brentford lost key players and manager Thomas Frank over the summer but have relaunched themselves as long-throw revivalists – and sit within a few points of the clubs that poached their best talent. As for Sunderland, they appear to have cracked the code for promoted teams by actually investing their TV riches according to a cohesive plan. Europe is more likely than a relegation battle for Régis Le Bris’s boys, and we’re here for it.
THE WILL SMITH AWARD FOR SERVICES TO MIAMI
La Liga chief suit Javier Tebas, whose apparent desperation to stage Villarreal v Barcelona in the 305 saw him try to ride roughshod over widespread concerns that playing a game abroad would damage the integrity and traditions of one of the world’s strongest football leagues. It was only when players got involved, carrying out in-game protests which the TV cameras cut away from, that the wheels fell off. Tebas is not giving up, though – the suit was last seen in Riyadh, claiming he “would love” to bring a league match to Saudi Arabia in the future.
THE SAM ALTMAN AWARD FOR FOSTERING AI DEPENDENCE
Never mind looking after a newborn baby – can you really be a football manager in this day and age without resorting to artificial intelligence for tactics, post-match quips and triffic little players? Well yes, obviously you can. But nobody told Seattle Reign head coach Laura Harvey, who admitted switching to a back five on the recommendation of ChatGPT. The Reign ultimately fell short in the playoffs but did rise from second-bottom in the NWSL last season to finish fifth. Harvey surely won’t be the last manager to call on AI for a final throw of the dice.
THE CHRIS SUTTON AWARD FOR CLEARLY BEING MORE INTELLIGENT THAN THE PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE SUB-TALK-RADIO PATTER MERCHANT CHARACTER THEY’VE ALIGHTED ON FOR AN EASY LIFE
You know who you are. Raise your game.
THE JOHN BECK AWARD FOR POSITION OF MAXIMUM OPPORTUNITY, SPONSORED BY GENERIC LOPERAMIDE
The geeks shall inherit the turf. Laptop gurus rule OK. As true football men seek sanctuary amid the blessed realm of podcast “content”, the sport falls ever more into the hands of those picked last in PE. Data boffins have decided long balls and getting it launched are a revolution in football. Set-piece specialists are hailed from the terraces, and fans seek selfies with Austin MacPhee and Nicolas Jover. With off-the-cuff stuff verboten, the game now resembles synchronised swimming, shaved legs included, the crowds asked to get exercised when a long throw is launched into the mixer. Such excitement. Such constipation. As viewers doom-scroll rather than watch actual football, some may suggest the game has been professional for 150 years, and the long throw still never truly caught on, not even in the eras of Ian Hutchinson, Vinnie Jones, Dave Challinor and Rory Delap. To misquote Larry Olivier to Dustin Hoffman, ever tried playing football, dear boys?
PLAYERS OF THE YEAR
Aitana Bonmatí and Scott McTominay.
GOAL OF THE YEAR
For the sheer impudence … Sam Merson for Hanworth Villa.
BUMPER ONE-OFF FESTIVE TV & RADIO SPECIAL: ALL THE HIGHLIGHTS FROM THE CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEAR PERIOD
Right, aye. You are joking, aren’t you?
RECOMMENDED SHOPPING
Still in need a gift for that special football-obsessed person in your life? Well the Big Website Bookshop has loads of great reads available. You can even just treat yourself. Get shopping here!
RECOMMENDED PLAYING
Too much time on your hands over the next few weeks? The Guardian has kicked off a new chapter in puzzles with the launch of its first daily football game, On the ball. It is live in the app for both iOS and Android … get stuck in!
MAIL! MAIL! MAIL!
Send your emails, presents and Christmas cards to the.boss@theguardian.com.
HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR, WE’LL BE BACK ON 5 JANUARY
