God knows the Mill has woken up some mornings in its tawdry cardboard box, hunted around for the canoe and thought about paddling off into the sunset with £250,000 of insurance claims under its arm. But, while the thought of doing a Reggie Perrin is always desperately appealing on a morning when Brad Friedel to Villa is the best the back pages have to offer, the Mill is a slave to duty so, unfortunately for anyone reading this piffle, there are rumours to monger, so a-mongering we must go.
Fergie is facing a war on five fronts this morning. Purple force one: Spurs have worked themselves into such a frothily hot funk that they're thinking about selling Dimitar Berbatov to Barcelona or AC Milan for £5m less than the £30m they've quoted for him. Purple force two: Carlos Tevez has secured himself a season on the bench by telling Ronaldo he should do us all a favour and eff off to Madrid before we all chew our arms off in boredom. Purple force three: Raul and Guti agree with him. Purple force four: Fergie'll be made boss of the in-no-way-totally-unworkable GB Olympic football team at London 2012. Purple force five: Paul Scholes, 89, wants to carry on squinting his way round the Old Trafford pitch for another two years, so it's a good thing his boss hasn't just had a pop at Chelsea for a being a bunch of old … oh.
One man who is staying put is Emmanuel Adebayor who, remarkably, has found that no one wants to pay £37.5m and £120,000 a week for the services of a lumbering target-man with the delicate touch of a brick layer and the silky control of a stag-do trying to catch a butterfly. He can console himself with the plight of El-Hadji Diouf who, despite waving farewell to fans at the Reebok last season, could still be there this season as he has found the transfer appeal of a high-maintenance, not very good, spit-happy duffer limited.
Like Huey Lewis, David Moyes is looking for something that can make one man weep and another man sing. Something tougher than diamonds, rich like cream; stronger and harder than a rich man's dream. It's strong and it's sudden and it's cruel sometimes, but it might just save your life. That's the power of love. Wagner Love. And, though he don't need no credit card to ride that train, he will need £20m.
Paul Ince has donned his Colonel Mustard outfit and is hanging around the Liverpool dressing room with the lead piping in order to smack Jermaine Pennant over the head before sticking him in his swag bag. Next he'll nip down to White Hart Lane with the candlestick to do the same to Paul Robinson. His crime will only be detected when he leaves a telltale David Bentley on the window frame. Spurs will gleefully take the insurance money, while also shipping Pascal Chimbonda to Sunderland and Anthony Gardner to Hull with signs round their necks saying: "don't come back". Joining Gardner on the Championship-bound Hull death ship will be Wolves' Nigerian defender Seyi Olofinjana, who'll be replaced at Molineux with Bobo 'The Clown' Balde.
Roy Keane has realised that Celtic's Aidan McGeady is both Irish and wanted by Newcastle so he'll pinch him from under Kevin Keegan's increasingly panicky nose. In response, Keegan will flail around desperately until he can sign Stephen Warnock from Blackburn and Vasilis Torosidis from Olympiakos in the pretence that he gives one about defence.
And finally, Chelsea suits are laughing secretly behind their hands as they look at the £4m Manchester City are willing to offer them for Tal Ben-Haim. Their mirth will turn into a full-on hysterical episode the minute Real Betis send them a cheque for £1.5m in the hope of getting Claudio Pizarro by return of post.
