Rob will be doing the do from 5pm. In the meantime, why not share an intimate moment between Carlos Tevez and Diego Maradona? And why not give the above poses an appropriate name to go with Zoolander's 'Blue Steel'.

Earn free money here Aston Villa are an absurdly generous 4-1 to win today, this against a side who are probably going to be without two first-choice defenders and who have won only three of their last 10 away games in the league.

Preamble Hello. I rarely get things wrong, so mark my words, this is going to be an absolute cracker of a game, a diamond in the almighty rough that passes for the best league in the world.

As well as the obvious quality of the players (Nicky Shorey, Ji-sung Park, Stilian Petrov, John O'Shea) a number of disparate factors give this contest a real edge. There's the fact that Villa can go third if they win; the fact that - even though a draw in isolation would be a good result for United - they will go 10 or 11 points behind [NB this was written before Arsenal and Chelsea drew] if they fail to win, an almost insurmountable gap in the After Mourinho age, even allowing for a game in hand and the fact they've got the hardest fixtures out of the way; there's the fact that United have won their last 14 games against Villa, and haven't lost to them in the league for 13 years.

There's the fact that Brad Friedel always plays obscenely well against Manchester United; the fact that United are probably without two first-choice defenders and Gary Neville, 95, which means Rafael will get the first serious test of his defensive capabilities against the splendid Ashley Young; the fact it's after international week, when players jetted off all round the world and Nicky Shorey sat in front of Sky Sports News; the fact that Villa won splendidly at Arsenal seven days ago and may be in the middle of the uprising that all neutrals crave in this wretched two-tier league; the fact that an increasingly flimsy United have started to struggle away from home, winning only three of their last ten games in the league; the fact that Martin O'Neill is by some distance the outstanding candidate to succeed Sir Alex Ferguson when he retires/is dragged out the door marked 'do one' kicking, screaming and babbling incoherently about the glory days of Russell Beardsmore, Deiniol Graham and Tony Gill.

And then there's the fact that Gabriel Agbonlahor is moving from good to very, very good, right here, right now. Most players' improvements are staggered and imperceptible – in contrast to the tangible and often painful decline of ageing or mentally shot sportsmen – but occasionally you see someone visibly moving up a notch at a rate of knots, having taken the elevator rather than the stairs.

There was a nice moment after last week's game when Martin O'Neill (who incidentally is a brilliant, faultless, brilliant man) bucked the established norms and mores of his profession by actually choosing a word really carefully so as to get the one that best demonstrated what he was trying to say. "He was… majestic" said O'Neill of Agbonlahor's performance at the Emirates, and it was the same in midweek, when Agbonlahor demonstrated almost every facet of top-drawer centre-forward play. Emile Heskey's renaissance has been both charming and crucial, but if Agbonlahor (who, after all that, might play wide in a 4-3-3 rather than up front today) isn't England's centre-forward for the first game of the World Cup – injury permitting – I'll eat my scented pink dungarees*.

* I don't own any pink dungarees

Prediction Villa 2-2 United in a you-attack-we-attack humdinger.

Incidentally, because of a complex farce involving a new automated hyperlink system, I have to use the words 'football' and 'sport' in this entry, so that it doesn't mess up the hyperlink below. So, yeah, football is a great game, isn't it? You really won't see a better sport. I. Heart. Football.

Today's funfunfunfun quiz, c/o Tom Lutz's brother, Matthew Name four players (one English, one Scottish, one Welsh, one Irish) who have played for three different European Cup-winning clubs* in three different countries.

*This doesn't mean that they won the European Cup while our men were at the club, just that they won it once upon a time.

Some links

• Some footage the two Serbian wunderfoetii apparently set to join Manchester United

• Highlights of a classic encounter between these sides in 1994, infused with genuine poignancy by the identity of Manchester United's keeper.

* Joe Kinnear doing bad words, which is still very, very funny

• Scott Murray and Rowan Walker's excellent new book, which Murray publicised on Sky News last Sunday and, to my extreme disappointment, failed to make a complete clown of himself.

It's doing that thing with the hyperlink again So I have just one thing to say: football. Footballfootballfootballfootballfootball. Football football football football football football football football football football football football football football football football football football football football football football football football football football football football football football football football football football football football football football football football football football football football football football football football football football football.

Random memories of this fixture department Does anyone remember Gary Walsh's save from Dwight Yorke at Villa Park in 1994-95? Or Jim Leighton's from Alan McInally in 1988-89? Two of the best underrated saves in the history of anything ever.

This is fun, eh?

Manchester United (4-4-2): Van der Sar; O'Shea, Ferdinand, Vidic, Evra; Park, Carrick, Giggs, Ronaldo; Rooney, Tevez.
Subs: Kuszczak, Anderson, Nani, Welbeck, Evans, Gibson, Rafael Da Silva.

Aston Villa team (4-3-3): Superman; Reo-Coker, Davies, Laursen, Luke Young; Milner, Sidwell, Petrov, Barry, Ashley Young; Agbonlahor.
Subs: Guzan, Harewood, Carew, Knight, Salifou, Shorey, Gardner.

Random thoughts on the team news

• John O'Shea, picked at right-back ahead of Rafael, may have a new lighthole once Ashley Young gets to work on him

• Nigel Reo-Coker, picked at right-back, may have a new lighthole once Ronaldo gets to work on him (Park will presumably play right side to double up on young)

• Giggs and Carrick in midfield. Away from home. In a 4-4-2

• John O'Shea. John O'Shea

* Agbonlahor does play up front on his own, and it'll be fascinating to see him against Ferdinand (who is fit, unsurprisingly) and Vidic

* Seriously, though: John O'Shea

So Manchester United start this game nine points behind Chelsea and Liverpool rather than the expected 11 - in case you didn't know, both drew 0-0 at home to Newcastle and Fulham respectively - and will move to within six, still with a game in hand, if they win. A day that was fraught with peril is now pregnant with possibilities. Aston Villa go third if they win, and would be six points behind the top two having played the same number of games. Had they beaten Middlesbrough at home and Stoke and Newcastle away, they'd already be joint top.

A pre-match email. But not any old pre-match email, because this one involves the admission of feelings of an amorous nature for Serotonin's Scott Murray! Those feelings are dead now, obviously, but it's the thought that counts "I think the caption for Murray should be 'Darcy'," says Samyutka Varma, before explaining helpfully for us simple folk: "As in Austen. And yes, I was labouring under a heavy crush on Murray till I found out that he might be a Liverpool fan."

"Mark Hughes is the Welsh player (United, Munich, Barcelona)," says Michael Gibbons, correctly, of our earlier funfunfun quiz. "Keane played for Forest, United and Celtic but under your rules that could only count if Manchester was a republic not subservient to the crown. Which it should be."

"1. Laurel & Hardy; 2. Seinfeld; 3. England 6-42 South Africa; 4. Bill Hicks; 5. etc" chirps Scott Murray, taking a quick break from struggling over those awkward last 98 entries in his book pitch: 101 Great Scottish Victories At Anything.

1 min Off we go. Villa kick off from right to left. "The 'Irishman' is Tony Cascarino (Villa, Marseille, Celtic)," point out both Mac Millings and Mads Thorup, winning not even a packet of sweets or a cheeky smile for their correct answer.

2 min Tactics watch: Park is indeed on the right in a 4-4-2/4-4-1-1. Agbonlahor is indeed the lone central striker in a 4-3-3.

3 min A bitty start. "Alan McInally, Mark Hughes, Tony Cascarino and David Beckham (including Milan?)," says Jamie Navarro. McInally is right, but Beckham isn't yet. I haven't seen Evil Dead 2 yet.

5 min Villa had a decent spell of rhythmic possession, but to little effect. It's been a vigorous but witless start.

6 min The first half-chance. A long, long free-kick was won majestically by Laursen above Vidic. He headed it down towards the six-yard box but Agbonlahor, on the stretch and under pressure from Ferdinand, could only toe it straight at Van der Sar

7 min "Can you ask people to stop buying Mamma Mia with our book
on Amazon," says Rowan Walker. "It's giving out the wrong signals." I know what would send the right signals: this.

8 min I need to use the word football because of the hyperlinks. That's all.

9 min O'Shea plays a good, crisp pass through to Rooney on the edge of the area, but his reverse pass towards Park is intercepted.

10 min Yeah this isn't very good so far. "Lutz: 'I...AM...DEATH'.
Murray: 'www.theguardian.com Patented Fake Smile-o-Meter rating: A'," offers Mac Millings.

11 min The two makeshift right-backs (okay, so O'no is actually a defender, but have you seen him play?) have been given really good protection by their midfielders so far. It's stale, mate.

13 min Some delightful one-touch football on the left from Villa ends with Young flipping a low cross across the face of the six-yard box. Evra has to clear for a corner, which comes to nothing. But Villa are the more fluent side so far.

14 min Brad Friedel makes the first of his 847 saves tonight. Ronaldo came infield from the left and, with the ball bobbling invitingly, welted it from 25 yards. Friedel leapt to his left to flap it wide with both hands. It was a decent save, but no more as it was fairly central.

15 min "Is Paul Ince the Englishman?" offers Peta Peeson. Nope.

18 min Reo-Coker wins the ball from Ronaldo in his own half, runs forward, keeps running as everyone backs off, and then swooshes one towards the near post from 22 yards. Van der Sar plunges to his left to save. Reo-Coker has started excellently given the thankless nature of his task.

20 min "This is going to be an absolute cracker" - Mr N Ugget, earlier today.

21 min "I'm going to go with "Soulgazer" for Lutz. "White Chocolate" for Murray and "shaka-khan" for Carlitos," says Ken Soldwedel. "No, I'm not sure why either." Don't ask. Just feel those Lutz eyes piercing you.

22 min O'pleasegoddon'teversubjectmetohavingtowatchthisclownagain gets into a good position on the right and then helpfully passes it four yards to a Villa shirt.

23 min Reo-Coker, stupidly, runs into the back of Ronaldo 25 yards out. At exactly the same moment, a sniper hits Ronaldo's swingers with a pellet from somewhere in the stands. So Ronaldo goes down, United get a free-kick... and Ronaldo smacks it into the wall.

25 min Tevez, possibly because of rust (although apparently he was excellent on Wednesday), is having a stinker: one shot went for a throw-in, another long cross for a goal-kick. Sad to say, but I'd be amazed if he was at Old Trafford next season.

26 min Rooney - who misses next week's Manchester derby if he gets booked, sent off or given a custodial sentence today - might have been booked for a pointless, frustrated hack at Laursen (I think).

27 min Park skins Luke Young far too easily on the right and bursts into the box, but Young's challenge just does enough to put him off and he screws his cross into the arms of Friedel.

28 min Nope, it's not Mark Hateley and it's not Ray Wilkins (or if it is the question is wrong). I'll give you a clue: our man played for Leyton Orient. And no it's not Stan Collymore or Paul Ince: it's three different clubs in three different countries.

29 min Barry lifts the ball into the top of Ferdinand's arm near the halfway line. The ref Chris Foy dithers for a few seconds, during which time Martin O'Neill has about 12 coronaries. Foy then gives the free-kick, at which point Sir Alex Ferguson screams two words: the second is joke.

30 min Villa get a free-kick 30 yards out and slightly to the right - I didn't see why; sue me! - but Milner's daisy cutter is, approximately, the size of a small country wide.

32 min United are having a helluva lot of the ball now, but Villa's midfield three are doing a seriously lung-busting shift to protect their back four. And they're doing it very well. But it means they aren't in much of a position to close the gap between themselves and the lone striker Agbonlahor.

34 min "Laurie Cunningham, shurely?" says William Georgi. "Legend, even in my lifetime." Yup: United, Real Madrid and Marseille.

36 min Park, who has been very good so far, is taken down by Petrov 30 yards out and to the right of centre. Before Ronaldo can boot it into row eff, that lamentable lummox O'Shea decides to drag Milner to the floor for no particular reason. Ronaldo then strikes one of his bobbling efforts over the wall but curling comfortably wide of the far post.

38 min Wonderful defending from Ashley Young keeps it at 0-0. Rooney's through pass shredded the defence and put Park through on goal. But he dithered just long enough for Young to chase back and slide round to make a wonderfully clean tackle. Now that's what you call a winger tracking back. That was brilliant.

39 min Football.

41 min Barry is penalised for a challenge on Evra - it looked like he got something on the ball - just a few yards back from the left corner of the box. Giggs whips in a really inviting ball and Vidic, towering above Laursen at the far post, thumps a header a couple of yards wide. He was stretching, but for someone as good in the area as Vidic that was a decent chance.

43 min It's still all United in terms of possession, with Carrick running the show as he so often does. But they haven't got behind Villa at all.

Half time: Villa 0-0 United Can we start that one again please? It was so disappointing: not dreadful in terms of quality, but with two strong defences (Villa's amounted to seven men a lot of the time, so deep were their midfielders pushed) in charge. Villa need to decide whether to risk a switch to 4-4-2 to try to win it. See you in 15 minutes.

Villa have been poor, really lily-livered. I was told they did this at home to Liverpool as well, but I really expected them to have a go today. You can argue that they have simply adjusted to the pattern of the game, cutting their cloth according to United's excellence in possession. But it will be very instructive to see if they stay with this or whether they bring on Carew and go 4-4-2. That would be the riskier option, but it might also be the more rewarding. You can't counter-attack forever.

Chitty chatty "I don't know if this is out in the UK yet, but can i recommend the film 'Twilight'?" says Damian Koblintz, before selling the film more convincingly than anyone has ever sold anything ever. "If you like teenage vampires, shock horror acting and boris exposition style voiceovers, this one's for you. There's even a Dawson-esque through-the-bedroom-window moment. I laughed like a drain throughout. I had you on teenage vampires, didn't I. Football!" It's out on December 19. Christmas really is coming early.

46 min No substitutions. "Possible captions for the pictures," says George Templeton. "1. Vincent Chase's long lost gay brother, 2. One of the guys on Heroes that can paint the future 3. France 0, Scotland 1, 4. Animal from the Muppets."

47 min John O'Shea ends a promising attack when he is penalised for existing.

48 min Villa are like a man who steadfastly refuses to expose his heart for fear it'll be broken. But as Lauren Laverne sang on that Mint Royale number in 1999, you have to risk your heart for love to find you. And, er, you have to risk conceding a goal to score one. You know what I mean. I hope so, because I don't.

49 min Young overhits a cross from the right, and Van der Sar has to leap back desperately to tip it over. I'm pretty sure that was a cross, but then there was nobody within ten yards so if he did overhit it, he seriously overhit it. The resulting corner brings another corner and, with Van der Sar in no man's land, Laursen, six yards out, knocks one over the top off his back. It was awkward, because he had to stoop and then Vidic humped him from behind, but Van der Sar - so dodgy on crosses these days - was nowhere.

50 min Anyone out there?

52 min Decent spell this for Villa, their best of the match, and Milner's excellent cross is dealt with really well by O'Shea, under pressure from Barry. That was excellent defending.

54 min "Sorry Pal," says Mike Cameron. "United won the European Cup in 1968 when he was in nappies & he died in 1989, 10 years before we won the prem, JEEEZZZZUS!" You didn't read the question, did you, pal.

55 min Evra is down after getting kicked in the knee by Milner - the ball was actually above Evra's head, so I've no idea what Milner was doing - but after a bit of treatment he looks okay.

56 min "Between you and me, Rob, is Lutzy a bit of a boozer," whispers Colin Greer. "That photo screams hangover." This screams hangover.

57 min This game has become really manic and unfocused. United are basically playing with ten men today with Tevez. He's been that poor. The problem is that they only have Welbeck on the bench, although they could bring on Nani and shove Ronaldo up front.

58 min Agbonlahor chases a long ball down the left and does Vidic completely for pace. Vidic is clinging onto his shirt for at least ten yards, and Agbonlahor finally falls over when Vidic gets a foot on the ball right on the line at the edge of the box. Chris Foy - who in fairness was miles away because the ball travelled so far so quickly - said play on. He could have given a free-kick at any point over about 10 yards.

62 min Ronaldo slaps a free-kick into the wall from 30 yards. This won't end 0-0, and at the moment Villa are the better side.

63 min "Sorry- I must be going blind JEEzzus," says Mike Cameron. "or maybe it's watching boring dross at 3am (I'm the other side of the world. My apologies." No apologies necessary let's get on with the quiz.

64 min What a chance for United. Carrick played the most ingenious pass, lobbed over his own head, to take about six Villa players out of the game and put Rooney through on goal, but as the ball sat up six yards out he smashed it into orbit. That's a shocking miss.

65 min The tempo is really high, which suits Villa more than United, especially as the crowd have responded to that change in tempo.

66 min "Laurie Cunningham took the best corner ever<" says Gary Naylor. "Even better than Andy Hinchcliffe. Nobody takes a good one these days." Ashley Young does. And Nani. Shame about the rest of his game.

67 min Sidwell and Laursen run into each other and clash heads so the game stops. They're big boys; they'll be okay.

68 min "Any idea," says Dominic Dawson, "if the big four have ever combined for zero goals in one day before?" Setanta said it last happened in February 1993, but it can't be because, from memory, United's only scoreless game that month was a 0-0 draw at Leeds on a Monday night, when there were no other games. Ah, perhaps they meant/said February 1992.

70 min Nani is about to come on, surely for the sadly ineffective Tevez.

71 min Villa haven't been able to raise the tempo since that break, so it's United who have a spell of dominance. Young blocks a Ronaldo shot for a corner, at which point the gloved-up Nani comes on for Tevez. He shakes his head, but on this performance there can be no complaints. Whether he's been ill-treated by Ferguson over the last two months, thus engendering such rusty performances, is another matter entirely.

The corner comes to nothing.

72 min Nani has gone wide left and Ronaldo has gone up front.

74 min Agbonlahor controls a long goalkick wonderfully well and then plays a smart reverse pass to Young, whose low cross-shot from the edge of the box is comfortably saved by the diving Van der Sar.

75 min Ronaldo is down after a challenge from Petrov that was very similar to the season-changing one by Phil Neville on Ronaldo the other month: Petrov won the ball cleanly with studs showing, and after a bit of a rest Ronaldo is up again. He doesn't do himself many favours, does he.

76 min The FA Cup tie between these sides last season had an almost identical narrative to this, and then United won with two goals in the last 10 minutes. But, fate, there is absolutely no way in the world that the same thing is going to happen again today, you hear?

77 min Curtis Davies is booked for taking out Ronaldo on the left wing. It was a definite foul, but whether it was a yellow card? It was 50/50, basically.

78 min All of a sudden, I really need the loo. It's squeaky MBM-time.

79 min John Carew is stripping - insert your own joke here - and is about to come on for Steve Sidwell.

81 min It is Carew for Sidwell. Whether that means a switch to 4-4-2 or simply a redeployment of Milner and Agbonlahor, I don't know.

82 min Villa have gone 4-4-2, and United have just brought on Anderson for Ronaldo, who limps off and is booed off. That means the team have swapped tactics, as United now have three in midfield and two wide supporting the lone striker, Rooney.

83 min Ronaldo limped straight down the tunnel with what looks like a knee injury and, in response to the abuse he was getting, repeatedly told the Villa fans "I'm number one" by using one finger to point to himself. The old charmer.

Nothing is happening in the game by the way, just in case you were wondering.

84 min An absurd free-kick is given against Anderson, by the referee's assistant, wide on the Villa right. Nothing comes of it though. This is really ragged now, and neither team deserves to win.

86 min Milner beats O'Shea with disgusting ease on the left inside the box. He gets to the byline and rams it back towards the six-yard box at the near post, but Ferdinand sticks a foot out among the bodies to smuggle it away.

89 min Evra's flat, angled cross is headed towards goal by Rooney, 15 yards out. His header hits a defender and goes for a corner on the left. It's a good one, from Nani, and excellently defended by Petrov.

90 min There will be three minutes of added time. I've just realised that Giggs is on the pitch.

Full time: Villa 0-0 United That was a really disappointing game, but it's a good outcome for both sides. Villa break into the top four, and United haven't slipped any further behind Chelsea or Liverpool, despite having by far the toughest fixture. I'll leave you with this piece of prescience from the start of this report: "this is going to be an absolute cracker of a game". Bye.