It's a free draw! And this is how it works. The event - for this is what Uefa call it - begins at 11am and will be conducted by Uefa suit David Taylor and the ambassador for the Rome final - ! - Bruno Conti. Manchester United will be drawn with either Porto or Villarreal using the Amazing Patented Uefa Hotball System™, then the rest of the teams will be paired up. And then the semi-final pairings will be decided. Ambassador for the Rome final! Jesus Christ Almighty.
Anything else you need to know? No, not really. But on the offchance you're interested, the quarter-final first legs will be played on 7/8 April and the return matches the following week. The semi-finals will take place on 28/29 April and 5/6 May, and the final will be played on Wednesday 27 May at the Stadio Olimpico in Rome, where Bruno Conti will presumably fulfil his Ambassadorial duties by skittering around holding a giant platter of gold-wrapped spherical noisette-filled chocolates, and really spoiling everyone.
The conspiracy theories, already: "My mate cleans Uefa's offices in Nyon," begins Anthony Brady, who you just know is lying through his teeth, "and informs me that he has seen a folder lying around in Sepp Blatter's office entitled Ve Vill Stop Ze Englanders. Duster in hand, he peeked inside and what confronted him shook him to his very core. Firstly, all four English teams will draw each other this morning. At the semi-final stage, the two remaining clubs will be split with Urs Meier and Anders Frisk referring the two ties. Platini and Blatter will run the line in one semi-final tie with the assistant referees in the other encounter being Alex Salmond and Diego Maradonna. Who would have thought they could be so cunning?" What I would give for this to be true.
Latest odds: To win: Barca and United 5-2, Chelsea 5-1, Liverpool 6-1, Arsenal 8-1, Bayern Munich 10-1, Villarreal 25-1, Porto 40-1. First plate at Nyon buffet to be licked clean by delegates: Foie gras 7-2, Chocolate cheesecake 2-1, Lard quiche 4-1, Breaded ham 6-1, Pizza slices 10-1, Scotch eggs 12-1, Spam fritters 16-1, Salad 1,500-1.
11.04am: Uefa suit David Whateverhisnameisidon'tcare has been wittering on since 11am. Predictably, he's said absolutely nothing of note. He ends his stirring Bevanesque oratory by stating that - and I paraphrase, but not by much - "it wouldn't be an exciting draw without a nice video". You see, David, that's where you're so very wrong. Cue montage of Chelsea and Manchester United stars shouting and looking jolly cross after scoring goals. Oh Cristiano! Oh Frank! Where is the love?
11.07am: "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome onto the stage, the ambassador for the Rome final, Bruno Conti." There's an embarrassing silence of a couple of seconds before the applause begins. Perhaps the audience are radged off that he's not carrying any premium chocolates.
11.08am: The first quarter final: Villarreal will play Arsenal! The first team out will play their home leg first.
11.09am Manchester United will play... Porto. Told you. All hail the Amazing Patented Uefa Hotball™ System!
11.10am: Liverpool will play at home in their first match against... Chelsea. Oh for goodness sake. How many times does this have to happen?
11.11am: All of which means, at a nice rate of a tie a minute, Barcelona will play Bayern Munich.
11.12am: Here's the semi-final draw: Manchester United or Porto, so Manchester United, then, will play Villarreal or Arsenal.
11.13am: And so Barcelona or Bayern Munich will play Liverpool or Chelsea. Barcelona or Bayern, and Hotball™ beneficiaries Manchester United, will play their home ties first.
11.15pm: Well, that was exciting. So exciting, in fact, that Guardian readers have been driven to making lame gags about their own testicles. "What's the Amazing Patented Uefa Hotball™ System?" wonders one-line merchant Darren Morgan. "Is it like that time my laptop overheated on the train?" A career on the stand-up circuit beckons.
A final word from Brian Cloughley: "Wow, Lennart Johannson is huge."
