.
Preamble "The cup really starts at the end of February," said Sir Alex Ferguson this week. "That is when the real tests start for us." It is early December. What the Manchester United boss is saying, essentially, is that if you care about this match enough to watch it, you're a bit of a fool. If you actually paid for a ticket, you might as well have sent your cash to the Dignitas Clinic in Switzerland to have it properly euthanised. But by simply reading about it in online while doing other important stuff like checking your emails and buying Christmas presents on eBay, you escape with your dignity intact. If you're lucky, you might also find out whether United will win the group, or go through in second place. Also, is Gary Neville very old, way too old or just gently distinguished? All these questions, and more, will be answered, or ignored, right here...
So here are tonight's teams:
Man Utd: Kuszczak, Neville, Ferdinand, Evans, O'Shea, Nani,
Gibson, Anderson, Giggs, Rooney, Tevez. Subs: Foster, Park, Vidic, Scholes, Rafael Da Silva, Fletcher, Possebon.
Aalborg: Zaza, Bogelund, Olfers, Jakobsen, Pedersen, Curth, Enevoldsen, Augustinussen, Risgaard, Due, Saganowski. Subs:
Kenneth Nielsen, Nomvethe, Caca, Braemer, Sorensen, Kristensen,
Ronnie Schwartz Nielsen.
Referee: Laurent Duhamel (France)
3 min GOAL Manchester United 1 Aalborg 0 (Tevez 3) "That's the Manchester United we all love," says Dion Dublin as Carlos Tevez thumps in a goal with United's first shot, lovely assist by Ryan Giggs
5 min Crikey, well that was quite a start. It could even have come sooner, with Karim Zaza in the Aalborg goal going a bit wobbly in the opening minute. On that occasion Wayne Rooney obligingly chipped the ball back into the keeper's hands
6 min: Tevez totally fluffs a really easy chance from Wayne Rooney's very good pull-back. This might not be a night for great dramatic tension.
9 min Jonny Evans slaps a shot high over the bar from 15 yards. Did you know, by the way, that the linesman Stéphane Duhamel is the brother of referee Laurent Duhamel. What are the odds, eh?
10 min John O'Shea very nearly gives away a penalty, after United's defence is caught completely befuddled when Aalborg attempt an actual attack. Thomas Augustinussen nicked the ball off O'Shea's toe and went over. If O'Shea's toe had actually made contact with him, he'd have had a decent shout
13 min: I'm just wondering whether Ben Foster has actually been dropped. Everyone thought he was going to play, but he's only on the bench. Is this the same as being dropped, or do you actually have to be in the team for at least one game first? If he hasn't, technically, been dropped, how best to describe what has happened to him? Any ideas?
15 min: Aalborg are actually doing a bit of attacking. In the latest example Marek Saganowski, on loan from Southampton, ran 40 yards before thumping the ball optimistically towards the corner flag
18 mins: Now Celtic are beating Villarreal. This would put United even more top of the group than they were already. Nani is relaxed enough to perform two crowd-pleasing tricks before giving the ball away
23 min: Rooney crosses, Tevez heads wide from close range, though the ball was a little high for him. There's something of a make-believe atmosphere about this game already
26 mins: A smart one-two between Nani and Giggs and the Portuguese slips a shot narrowly wide. Elsewhere a suggestion, from Thom James, that Foster has technically been promoted. It's just being paraded in front of the media as United's custodian-elect, and then not actually being United's custodian-elect, that makes it seem a little harsher
29 min I notice that Sky have suspended their habit of abbreviating team names to two letters in their scorebox for tonight's game. While United are, indeed, MU, Aalborg are not, sadly, AA but AAL. Perhaps the brains at Sky thought viewers might confuse them with a popular shape of battery?
30 min: GOAL Manchester United 1 Aalborg 1 (Jakobsen 30) An equaliser from Michael Jakobsen, a Manchester United fan. Just a devilish delivery from a right-wing free-kick and a really clever header with the back of his head. Take that, überlords of depressing predictability!
35 min: When we come to talk about this game to our grandchildren, this is the period that we will tenderly refer to as the Golden Age. With a whistful look in our eyes, we will tell our incredulous offspring that, for a few minutes after Aalborg's equaliser, United behaved as if they genuinely believed they were taking part in a genuine competition. These are glorious minutes, truly they are
38 min: Replays of Aalborg's goal show a storming late run into the box from Jakobsen that went totally ignored by United's defence, followed by that really top class header. A very fine set-piece goal. Meanwhile, Gary Neville heads at goal from seven yards following an enterprising run to the back stick in open play. It's easily saved, but with all that energy, you'd almost think he'd hardly played for a year.
40 min: "Just look at Gary Neville," says Dion Dublin. "His arms are going, his mouth is going..." Not to mention the arthritis
42 min: Why are so many Aalborg players wearing gloves? Surely it's way, way colder in northern Denmark than it could possibly be in Lancashire? But no! According to Google, it was scheduled to be -1C in Manchester tonight, but a balmy 1C in Aalborg. Brrrr. Gloves on, lads.
45 min: O'Shea has a shot saved at the very start of stoppage time, before Aalborg clear the ball upfield. After a depressingly one-sided start, this has been quite a fun half
45+1 min: GOAL Manchester United 1 Aalborg 2 (Curth, 45) Well, wowee. An absolute stonker of a Danish wondergoal in stoppage time puts Aalborg a goal up at the interval. A deep cross from the left wing and Jeppe Curthy, arriving late into the penalty area, heads the ball back across goal and into the far corner of Tomasz Kuszczak's goal
Half-time Well maybe wondergoal was overstating matters. You're unlikely to see it when your festive copy of Theo Walcott Presents: 101 Best Goals From My Playing Days pops up under your Christmas tree in 50 years' time. But it was devilishly simple and impeccably finished, as indeed was Aalborg's first. Very, very watchable, in short. Astonishingly, the same description could be applied to this game in general. What happened to our predicted snoozefest? Am I unwell, or am I genuinely looking forward to the second half? Actually, I'm unwell. So I'm off to the toilet.
45 min: The second half is under way. Paul Scholes is coming on "which was always the plan anyway" according to Fergie, with Ryan Giggs - who was really good in the first half - coming off. And Park Ji-Sung is replacing Darron Gibson
47 min: Patrick O'Brien and John Barry both email to suggest that several viewers might have confused the initials AA appearing in the top of their screen for some kind of coded exhortation to deal with their alcoholic issues. AA might also refer to Anaplastic Anaemia, the Automobile Association and a form of lava flow associated with Hawaiian-type volcanoes. Elsewhere, Wayne Rooney performs a comedy bum-first lunge so as to fall inside the penalty area after being nudged by a defender. He doesn't even get a free-kick
51 min: Nani crosses from the right wing and Tevez misses the header. Don't ask me to describe how. He kind of runs past the ball, flips his back round a bit, and throws his head in five directions at once. He doesn't get anywhere near it
52 min: GOAL Manchester United 2 Aalborg 2 (Rooney 52) Anderson's pass, Rooney takes it in his stride and wallops it with his big right toe through the keeper, who I'll remind you is called Zaza, and into the back of the net
54 min: Curth booked for a late lunge on Tevez down on the left wing. From Nani's free-kick, Scholes's miscued header loops up and is tipped over the bar
56 min: A totally stupendous 50-yard pass from Scholes hits Nani on the foot. His volleyed cross hits a defender on the head. Good ball Scholesy
58 min: "I think they made a lion angrier," says Dion Dublin of Aalborg's goal in first-half stoppage time. United don't really look angry, though. They do, however, and for the first time since the first 15 minutes, look quite a lot better than their opponents
60 min: Another good attack from United ends when, from Rooney's cross, a defender gets in the way of, and you might want to sit down before reading this, Gary Neville's attempted scissor-kick
62 min: With Celtic now 2-0 up against Villarreal, United really are under no pressure at all to win this game. It does, however, appear to be something they'd quite like to do, given the choice. Just a little bit of quality in the penalty area letting them down at present, lately Tevez's cross which floated behind with Rooney lurking
64 min: Did you know that Aalborg is twinned with Edinburgh? Anyone?
65 min: A very fine challenge from Steve Olfers dispossesses Scholes just as the Mancunian midfielder was about to, as Dion Dublin says, pull the trigger
69 min: The ball's starting to get a bit bogged down in midfield. United know they don't have to win. Aalborg know they're about to go on holiday (this being the last game before their winter break). Both sides might settle for this result, by the looks of things
72 min: Rooney chips the ball to the back stick from deep and Gary Neville, rushing in from his right-back position, collects it beautifully only to be denied a fairytale goal by Zaza
73 min: Another Rooney ball in and Olfers' defensive back-header hits his own bar. Aleksandar Mitreski, meanwhile, emails: "Did you know that United have not lost at home in the Champions League since 2007? So there is a lot at stake tonight. I read it last night but I think it is 19 games. Tonight would be 20th, passing Juve's record of 19. If I am correct, but you are paid the big bucks so check it." 1) Meeeowwww. 2) My bucks ain't so big, I assure you. 3) But it's 17. I checked it
76 min: While checking Mr Mitreski's factual inaccuracies, Gary Neville was taken off and replaced by Rafael. He could have had a hat-trick here. He may be unpopular with Scousers, but he's a mighty fine full-back and always has been. I might as well say that before he's packed off to the retirement village for good
80 min: For all the talk of United's new generation, their best players here have been Giggs, Neville and Scholes. And Rooney, I suppose. Still, you get my point. Well, kind of point. Half-point.
83 min: Aalborg haven't really tried to mount an attack for half an hour. They haven't lost for 11 games, they're about to go on holiday and their manager, Allan Kuhn, is about to be replaced by Magnus Pehrsson. A draw would be fitting, probably. Pehrsson, fact fans, once played for Bradford City
85 min: Rooney's ball plays in Tevez. He goes wide in a bid to go past the keeper but he should have had a shot while the goal was gaping, as Rooney did earlier. Instead he ends up too wide and miscues the ball wide
90 min: Three added minutes signalled. No indication that anything fun will happen during them, though as I write that Nani blasts a 20-yard shot just over
90+1 min: Co-commentator Dion Dublin eulogises about United's current team, comparing their shooting skills to his own. "Their technique is just so much better," he surmises. Well, you said it mate
Peeeeeep! It's all over, an honourable draw and everyone's off on holiday with a spring in their step. Allan Kuhn leaves his post as manager of Aalborg with a 12-game unbeaten streak to boast about, his side are off on their winter break, and United are group winners and off to play in the World Club Best Team in the Whole World Right Now Competition. Smiles all round, then
Postscript Apparently Aalborg's sports director, Lynge Jakobsen, promised to fly home naked if they got anything tonight. Which might explain why their players didn't look as pleased as might be expected at the end of the game. Anna Ebbesen, my source on the ground, says the Danish commentators are going absolutely mental. The first 10 minutes and the last 15 were as expected, United scoring early and no one really bothering to stop them playing the ball around comfortably. Everything in between, though, was a lot of fun. Unexpectedly good.
Stop press: Sky are reporting that it's United's 19th unbeaten Champions League home game, which would suggest that a) Uefa's own stats department need a bit of a rollicking, and b) Aleksandar Mitreski wasn't as wrong as I thought. He was still wrong though, which is the important thing.
