Preamble:
Morning. It only seems like a few hours since I was wittering on about another England-New Zealand clash, but this is the era of 24-hours news and tomorrow I shall be reporting on the England-New Zealand crown-green bowls. Anyway, what have we got here? A raw England side containing just one man - Andrew Sheridan - who played in the World Cup final against a less-than-scary All Black XV who, it seems, are yet to get over the refereeing of Wayne Barnes. New Zealand should still win, but will it be the usual 50 points they stick on England at this time of year? My guess is it won't be.
England have only won two Tests in New Zealand: in 1973 and 2003, by which logic this game has come round roughly 25 years too early. Hey ho. They've handed a debut to the London Irish wing Topsy Ojo (good luck, mate), but there are only four survivors from the Six Nations win over Ireland in March: Sheridan, plus the captain Steve Borthwick, Lee Mears and Richard Wigglesworth. The teams in a minute...
New Zealand: 15 M Muliaina, 14 A Tuitavake, 13 C Smith, 12 M Nonu, 11 S Sivivatu, 10 D Carter, 9 A Ellis, 1 N Tialata, 2 A Hore, 3 G Somerville, 4 B Thorn, 5 A Williams, 6 R So'oialo, 7 R McCaw, 8 J Kaino.
England: 15 M Brown, 14 T Ojo, 13 M Tindall, 12 O Barkley, 11 D Strettle, 10 C Hodgson, 9 R Wigglesworth, 1 A Sheridan, 2 L Mears, 3 M Stevens, 4 T Palmer, 5 S Borthwick, 6 J Haskell, 7 T Rees, 8 L Narraway.
Subs: Too many to mention. Be patient.
Referee: N Owens (Wales)
Everyone keeps saying the All Blacks are "vulnerable". Yes, and my name's Martin Johnson. Let's see how vulnerable they look when they do their dance.
What chance do England have? They have to match the All Blacks for physicality, kick their points, hope Dan Carter has an off-day and pray that the likes of Mike Brown and Ojo don't freeze in the Auckland evening air. It's asking a lot. I reckon it's New Zealand by 15-20 points.
The teams are lining up for the anthems. England are treated to a one-verse rendition of God Save Her Maj, while the New Zealanders get the full whack: Maori, English, French, German and Serbo-Croat. I'm saying that's a bad omen.
And here's the haka, which seems to have lost none of its blood-curdling scariness. Oh for Sebastien Chabal to stare them down now...
1 min: Olly Barkley will kick off with England playing from right to left as I goggle at the box. And they immediately win a penalty at the breakdown! What a start! "New Zealand vulnerable?" says Gary Naylor. "It's not a World Cup year is it?" He thanks you.
1 min: Barkley's kick is 25 metres out and seven or eight in from the right touchline, and it's a nice angle for his left foot. But he pushes the kick left and it fails to come back. Poor kick. Shame.
2 min: Still, England will be delighted with the way their forwards rattled the All Blacks in the maul. New Zealand resume and work the ball to Muliaina on the left wing before turning the ball back into the midfield and winning a penalty. Carter nails his kick and New Zealand will have a lineout on England's 22.
5 min: New Zealand look dangerous under England's posts but Williams knocks on and Charlie Hodgson does well to clear: lineout to the All Blacks on the halfway line - which England steal through Borthwick. They spread the ball down the line but Brown's pass to Strettle is hurried and the Quins winger is nailed into touch by about four All Blacks.
7 min: England are competing up front and that's good defence from Strettle after Carter's grubber kick. A scrappy passage of play ends with Wigglesworth clearing down the line to Carter, who is bundled into touch by Tom Palmer. England have a lineout on their own 10-metre line.
9 min: England win the lineout, but only just, and Barkley ends up hammering a low left-footer through the midfield to give New Zealand a lineout between their 22 and 10-metre line. But the throw isn't straight and England will have the scrum: good signs so far at the lineout for England - a steal and a wonky throw.
10 min: It's a very messy scrum which surely wheels more than 90, but England somehow emerge with the ball and England win a penalty 25 metres out, more or less in front of the posts. Somerville was on the wrong side and Barkley should really put England in the lead here.
New Zealand 0-3 England (Barkley pen, 11 min) No mistake! England have the lead. And you have to say they're worth it.
13 min: Carter sends the restart deep into England territory but Narraway and Barkley combine well to clear it to the halfway line, where New Zealand take a quick lineout. But McCaw gets caught in midfield and that's a turnover! England have the scrum. This is committed stuff.
15 min: But the scrum is messy once more. Stevens is isolated, McCaw envelops him and New Zealand win the penalty. It's a few metres into the England half, but pretty straight and Carter has to be favourite to do the job. He does: New Zealand 3-3 England (Carter pen, 15 min). That's a great comeback from McCaw.
18 min: Brown is penalised for coming through off-side as Ellis prepares to spread the ball from the base of a New Zealand ruck, but the kick is poor and Ojo can clear. Pinball ensues, including a clever kick from Tindall, and the England pack drive forward. Stirring stuff. Now Hodgson aims for the incisive kick, but the ball is cleared, before Brown sends in the up-and-under. Hore knocks on and England spread it to the left wing. Strettle has a run to the try line but I think he is bundled into touch by Kaino a second before dropping the ball. Even so, that was great pressure from England.
19 min: The TV match official rules that Strettle's foot was in touch before he dropped the ball, so the All Blacks have a lineout on their own five-metre line. McCaw breaks, then loses the ball, but England are penalised for pulling down the lineout. Silly.
19 min: There's no doubt that England have rattled the All Blacks here. They've had most of the territory and they've disrupted the All Blacks lineout. They've also come closest to a try. The Eden Park crowd is on the quiet side and now England have a scrum in a dangerous position.
20 min: Sheridan pops out of the scrum and referee Owens lectures both sides. England are then awarded a free-kick at the next scrum, followed by a penalty after McCaw fails to roll away: that's a last warning for the All Blacks and this should be the lead for England.
New Zealand 3-6 England (Barkley pen, 21 min) The kick is 25 metres out in front of the post and Barkley makes no mistake. England have the lead again!
New Zealand 8-6 England (Try Smith, 22 min) What a response from New Zealand. They pile forward from the kick, Mears loses it, the ball is spread to Carter, whose grubber kick is collected by Smith. There's no stopping him from 10 yards out and Carter extends the lead with a simple kick. Great answer! New Zealand 10-6 England (Carter con, 23 min)
26 min: England have to make sure they don't let that get to them. It was basically one mistake that got punished, but it's the kind of moment that, psychologically, can change a game. And now New Zealand break once more in midfield as Nonu offloads to Hore and the All Blacks go through the phases. It all ends with a penalty eight yards in on the halfway-line side of England's 10-metre line. Carter has the chance to extend New Zealand's lead.
New Zealand 13-6 England (Carter pen, 27 min) Easy, so easy. In the space of a few minutes, England have shipped 10 points. That's Test-match rugby.
28 min: Oh dear. Barkley's kick goes straight out on the full and the All Blacks have a scrum on the centre circle: that's elementary. The ball is spread to the left and Smith almost breaks through. At the breakdown England knock on, and... Try! New Zealand 18-6 England (Carter try, 29min) Brilliant from New Zealand: Sivivatu and Ellis combine on the scissors, Sivivatu breaks the line and offloads to Carter, who has the easiest of jobs. England have disintegrated in the space of five minutes. Carter kicks the conversion and it's New Zealand 20-6 England.
32 min: Well, the last 10 minutes have allowed little time for reflection, but I think the message is this: give the All Blacks an inch, and they're still adept at taking a mile.
34 min: It gets worse. Andrew Sheridan is sin-binned for, presumably, slowing up New Zealand possession on the ground and it's going to be 23-6 any moment now.
New Zealand 23-6 England (Carter pen, 34 min) He wasn't going to miss that. The early optimism has been blown away in the City of Sails. Ahem.
36 min: For the first time in about 15 minutes, England compete for the ball and they end up winning a penalty five metres in on the right, just inside the 10-metre line. Three points would be blissful respite after what's happened.
37 min: Barkley misses. It was a tough kick from a tricky angle, but his fault seemed to be a lack of power: that just faded, despite heading in the right direction. Barkley has missed six points now, to Carter's none.
New Zealand 23-11 England (Try Ojo, 38 min) Incredible! From absolutely nowhere, Topsy Ojo intercepts a pass that would otherwise have led to another New Zealand try and then runs the length of the field to score against the run of play on his Test debut. Amazing!
New Zealand 23-13 England (Barkley con, 39 min) And what a kick from Barkley, right on the touchline - it squeezes in and England quite simply can't afford to concede anything else before half-time.
And that's half-time. New Zealand lead by 10, and it could have been a lot worse if Ojo hadn't stuck out a right hand and outsprinted Smith to the line. England were in the game for the first 20 minutes before making a couple of errors that were punished in time-honoured fashion. But the debutant Ojo has given them just a sniff.
41 min: Carter kicks off, Haskell gathers, and England will play the first two minutes of the second-half a man down following the sin-binning of Sheridan. Hodgson's cross-field kick goes into touch just inside England's 10-metre line. No mistakes, now!
43 min An exchange of kicks ends with Brown calling the mark, and New Zealand have a lineout five metres into England's half. Sheridan is itching to return to the fray.
New Zealand 28-13 England (Try Muliaina, 44 min) Hopeless tackling from Hodgson, who allows Nonu to break the line. The pass to Muliaina is pinpoint and that's a horrible start for England.
New Zealand 30-13 England (Pen Carter, 45 min) So, another English mistake, another All Black try. Ruthless.
46 min: Sheridan is back on, but it'll need a wrecking-job of superhero proportions if England are going to win this. Expect 50 points before the night is out.
New Zealand 35-13 England (Try Sivivatu, 47 min) That really is awful from England. Narraway lands Borthwick in the poo with a dreadful pass, the ball breaks for the rampaging All Blacks back line and Sivivatu makes it 23 tries in 23 Tests. It's a massacre, as Carter makes a devilish conversion look easy. New Zealand 37-13 England.
50 min: "A long 30 minutes for England here," suggests Stuart Barnes. That 6-3 lead seems a long time ago now.
53 min: Hodgson is punished for that useless tackle on Nonu by being substituted! That's a massive call. Is that the end of international career for the time being? Barkley moves to fly-half, and on comes Jamie Noon, but Barkley's attempted jink through midfield ends as he runs into a thick wall of blokes in black. New Zealand break with it again and win a scrum. "Sure the tackling was woeful, but that pass from Nonu to Muliana was miles forward," says John McCabe. "Surprised none of the sky 'experts' commentating have picked up on it."
54 min: Anthony Boric replaces Thorn, while MacDonald comes on for Muliaina. Frankly New Zealand could bring on Andy Pandy and Daffy Duck right now and still beat England.
54 min: Ben Kay replaces Tom Palmer, for what good it will do them.
56 min: England win a free-kick as referee Owens deems that the All Blacks have collapsed the scrum and then they are awarded a penalty in midfield. Anything that allows them breathing-space and the chance to gain territory is very welcome.
59 min: England move through the phases, which is not a sentence I've been able to write many times today, but it's all rather static and the net result is that they actually go backwards. At least they're not giving up, mind, and Tindall acts as the battering-ram on the left wing. The ball is moved back into midfield, Ojo sets up the ruck, but it's all so slow. And after 16 phases of not very much, England are penalised for not staying on their feet. That's a sickener.
61 min: Carter plants the penalty into touch just inside England's 22, but it's a poor throw and Narraway gathers at the back of the line. Barkley's throw is charged down, but not terminally, and a scrappy ball is eventually knocked on by England, as Cowan replaces Ellis at scrum-half for the All Blacks.
62 min: England win the scrum against the head, which is something I suppose, but they really don't do quick possession, do they. I blame Wigglesworth.
63 min: Both sides knock on (Sivivatu when another try might have been beckoning), but England did it first and the All Blacks have the scrum. On comes Danny Care for Wigglesworth for a first Test cap at the tender age of 21. Yikes. And Worsley is on for Haskell, who hasn't had a bad game.
63 min: The All Blacks concede another pernickety free-kick at the scrum and Narraway launches a Dallaglio-style one-man breakaway. His team-mates are with him, but then Borthwick, under no pressure at all, drops the ball as he tries to pick it up off the ground and set up a backs movement. Gah.
64 min: That looks nasty for Sheridan: his left eye is very bloody indeed, and he's wandering off for the second time tonight. Payne will replace him, appropriately.
65 min: The entire New Zealand midfield is off-side there, but somehow the officials miss the transgression. It doesn't matter too much because England have the lineout, but they make heavy weather of trying to break, and have to make do with another lineout on the other side of the pitch in between their 10-metre line and 22.
67 min: The game has stagnated somewhat since New Zealand extended their lead to 24 points, as if both sides are happy with the margin.
69 min: Brown clears from an England scrum and New Zealand have the lineout on their own 10-metre line. But they've hardly had to play in their own half following the opening 20 minutes. England turn it over, then concede yet another penalty - for what, I'm not sure, but it hardly matters, and New Zealand take a quick one. They're not interested in three points any more.
70 min: It's open now, and that's the way New Zealand like it. Sivivatu's mazy run ends with England conceding a line-out on their own 22 and the All Blacks win a penalty at the ensuing ruck as England fail to roll away.
71 min: "Was Danny Care chewing gum when he came on?" asks Simon Howells. "If so this is a disgrace. He could swallow it and choke to death. I've seen it happen, as my old PE teacher used to say about the most unlikely "dangerous" situations. Coming on the back of Kevin Pietersen wearing a necklace to play international cricket yesterday, this raises serious questions. What's next? Notes from Mum? Turning up in your United shorts instead of school kit?"
New Zealand 37-18 England (Try Ojo, 73 mins) Careless by New Zealand as Care's cross-field kick is collected by Ojo as two All Blacks defenders dither and the London Irish wing goes over for his second try on debut. Barkley converts from in front of the post and the scoreline has a deceptively flattering sheen. New Zealand 37-20 England.
76 min: Can England take any kind of momentum into next week's second Test? Care and Narraway link well in midfield, but the move breaks down and it's English hands in the ruck: penalty to the All Blacks,.
77 min: Paice comes on for Mears to win a first cap, and New Zealand are denied a try on the right only by a cynical block from Tindall, who is sin-binned. That's the end of his game.
78 min: England defend well at the maul and Rees wins a penalty, which will allow them to clear their beleaguered ranks. Good kick from Barkley.
That's it: New Zealand 37-20 England. England will argue that the All Blacks failed to score a single point after the 47th minute. The only problem was, they managed 37 before that, and the 17-point margin quite frankly makes England look better than they were. They were in the game for the first 20 minutes, but after that every single English mistake was pounced upon and New Zealand's five-year unbeaten home record was never threatened.
