Many of you have written in to ask what that big white splodge on Manchester United's European kit is all about. Well, OK, one of you has. "I've tried squinting really hard at the television set, but I can't make it out," writes Alan Shaw, whose diet is obviously light on carrots. "Is it a place to apply Vicks vapour rub? Or a small mirror into which Cristiano Ronaldo can occasionally glance into admiringly?" Good guesses both, Alan, but neither are correct. It is, as I suspect you know full well already, a preposterously intrusive badge to commemorate United's recent victory in the Fifa World Club Championship, or whatever it's called. It's almost as though some administrator somewhere has noticed how United's fans only chant "Champions of England, champions of Europe" and is now trying to shove the thing down everyone's throat.
Anyway, Arsenal will want to rip those badges off their chests this evening. And if they can't do it metaphorically, they may well settle for the literal. Which would mean fisticuffs, and let's be quite frank, none of us are above enjoying those. The game kicks off at 7.45pm in the British Summer Money.
Robin Van Persie is back: Almunia, Sagna, Toure, Djourou, Gibbs, Walcott, Fabregas, Song Billong, Nasri, Van Persie, Adebayor.
Subs: Fabianski, Diaby, Vela, Denilson, Silvestre, Bendtner, Eboue.
And so is Rio Ferdinand, in a reasonably (cue three-goal salvo in first five minutes) defensive line-up: Van der Sar, O'Shea, Ferdinand, Vidic, Evra, Fletcher, Carrick, Anderson, Park, Ronaldo, Rooney.
Subs: Kuszczak, Berbatov, Giggs, Scholes, Rafael, Evans, Tevez.
Referee: Roberto Rosetti (Stow-on-the-Wol... oh alright, he's from Italy).
Here's some good news for the carrotphobic Alan Shaw: "Here's one for all those who think they are immune to propaganda and advertising," begins John Lee. "Carrots are no better or worse for your eyes than anything else. During the Battle of Britain UK scientists had developed a plane mounted radar system which increased the RAF's ability to shoot down Germans. The UK was worried that the Germans would realize we had plane mounted radar when the kill rate spiked so invented the idea that we were recruiting exceptionally sighted pilots and boosting their eyesight with such things as carrots. They even put bowls of carrots in publicity shots. One of the most successful lies ever propagated since almost everyone still believes carrots help your eyesight." Bah. Next you'll be telling us that canned spinach doesn't immediately expand arm muscles to six times their natural size, or turn hands into hammers.
"Arsenal fans, aaaaaare yoooouuuu readyyyyyy?!!!!?!" For the love of God. Does an idiot with a stupid pair of blabbing lips permanently glued to the microphone of a public address system really need to shout like this? Seconds before the start of the second leg of a European Cup semi-final? Does he really?
And we're off! Manchester United, wearing blue, get the ball rolling. They're kicking towards... er... the Holloway Road? Or is it Drayton Park train station? I don't know which way this ground points at all.
2 min: A fast start by Arsenal, and the youngster Gibbs is involved in the thick of it, first clattering Park to win the ball brilliantly in the centre circle, then getting on the end of Nasri's pass down the left. His cross is mopped up by Ferdinand.
3 min: Fabregas has a dig from distance. It's absolutely useless, but deflected to the right. Van der Sar is wrongfooted, and watches in relief as the ball balloons wide right for a corner, as the net was gaping. Arsenal take it short, and half the team are caught offside. That is possibly the worst corner I have ever seen a professional football team take, and Christ knows but there's been some competition there.
5 min: Ronaldo diddles around down the left, and so nearly pokes a ball into the area for Anderson. Djourou intercepts brilliantly and tears upfield. Nasri eventually crosses from the left, but it's way too deep. This is breathless end-to-end stuff at the moment. "So your eyesight does not improve if you eat carrots?" wonders Gary Naylor. "Does that mean that your eyesight gets no worse if you spend as much time as possible in your bedroom in a dim light er… reading? So, when referees fail, wengeresquely, to see the obvious handballs etc, the crowd are factually incorrect to sing, Who's the reader in the black? I think we should be told."
7 min: GOAL!!! Arsenal 0-1 Manchester United. This could be over already. Anderson sends Ronaldo tearing down the left. He sends over a deep cross towards Park at the far post. Gibbs should clear, but he slips at the wrong moment, and as he flails around, Park shifts the ball past him and whacks it into the left-hand side of goal past the helpless Almunia. Arsenal will need to score three times now - at least. On the touchline, Arsene Wenger looks close to tears.
10 min: THIS IS SENSATIONAL!!! Arsenal 0-2 Manchester United. Van Persie bowls over Ronaldo 35 yards, just to the right of the area. Ronaldo gets up and takes the free kick himself, a preposterous effort that starts outside the right-hand post but bends just inside at the last - and into the net. That's one hell of a shot, though Almunia should surely never have let that in at the near post. United are now 3-0 up. This is over.
14 min: Arsenal are trying to stroke it around, Van Persie and Fabregas in the centre of it, but they look totally stunned. And no wonder: they need FOUR goals now. This is over. "I would speculate that the badge on O'Shea's chest is exactly as you have pictured it," writes Hugh Collins. "Everyone knows that Ferguson feeds O'Shea a bucket of double cream at the end of each game. It's the only thing that motivates him."
16 min: Song slips the ball down the right for Sagna. The resulting cross is headed clear disdainfully by Vidic. Arsenal can't get going at all. "The Manchester United chests look good with that new logo," opines Bingle Struthers. "Only thing is, that rumpy old yellow one doesn't seem to tie in with the others. They should lose that one."
18 min: What a save by Almunia, who palms Rooney's attempt to curl one into the top-right corner from the edge of the area round the post. The corner's met by the head of Ronaldo, who should hit the target, but somehow sends a powerful effort wide left from eight yards.
20 min: Adebayor twists and turns down the left, forcing Ferdinand to toe-poke behind the goalline for a corner - which is plucked with ease from the air by Van der Sar. Arsenal aren't causing United any bother whatsoever at the back. "As a vision researcher, I can't let the carrots go, I'm afraid," writes John Willoughby. "Carrots contain retinal, retinol carotenoids, and etc. under the a collective term vitamin A. Deficiency in Vitamin A causes night-blindness - presumably because there is less of substrate for making those retinal-related compounds which comprise the visual cycle. So cutting out all vitamin A-containing things (fish oils, dairy things as well) would affect your night vision, but eating more would probably not make a big difference in making your vision better. Still, good cover story."
23 min: Van Persie takes a corner from the right, but it's easily dealt with by Vidic. Arsenal are in a real old state here; it's almost painful to watch a side flailing around like this. "Seems Almunia is making the case for the England jersey here," suggests Robin Hazlehurst. "He could be the new Scott Carson like this."
26 min: Wenger has his head in his hands. It may stay there for the rest of the match.
28 min: Arsenal can't string two passes together at the moment. United are just sauntering about. This is no contest. Here's Richard Woods: "May I ask John Willoughby if they are called carrots because they contain caretonoid, or is it a happy coincidence?"
30 min: Van der Sar fumbles a high ball under attention from Adebayor; the referee blows up for a foul. Ronaldo has a dig from 30 yards out near the left touchline, but Almunia claims easily. Then Fabregas heads a Nasri left-wing cross goalwards, but Van der Sar catches without fuss. A very strange atmosphere surrounds what is now a very strange event.
33 min: Song flips Ronaldo into the air 30 yards out, dead central. Ronaldo hits another ludicrous swerving free kick, but Almunia is right behind this one and catches cleanly.
35 min: Sagna crosses deep from the right, Adebayor heads over high and wide left. Arsenal have been very, very poor indeed. "If you're not a fan of the humble carrot, then there are alternative remedies for night blindness," writes Simon McCarthy. "According to the Roman writer Aulus Cornelius Celsus: 'Sufferers should anoint their eyeballs with the stuff dripping from a liver whilst roasting, preferably of a he-goat, or failing that of a she-goat; and as well they should eat some of the liver itself'. Can't say I've tried it myself, but I'd be interested to hear other readers' first-hand testimonies."
36 min: Song and Ronaldo come together 35 yards from the Arsenal goal. Ronaldo rolls around clutching his shin, Fletcher squares up to Song, and nothing worthwhile is achieved at all. Eventually Ronaldo gets up and passes the ball to Park. We continue.
40 min: Evra impedes Walcott down the right, just ahead of the area. Van Persie swings the ball towards the far post, where Adebayor lurks, but the striker simply stands and watches the orb as it makes its way through the air. Eventually Ferdinand gets in the way and nuts it clear. This is pathetic from Arsenal, who are showing no fight whatsoever.
43 min: Adebayor and Nasri combine well down the left, the former eventually dinking a cross towards Fabregas in the centre. You can see the Arsenal captain's neck muscles strain as he goes to head, but Vidic flicks the ball from him at the last. This must be the most dispiriting 45 minutes of football Arsenal Football Club have ever played. Meanwhile John Willoughby doesn't know about the carotenoids. "My guess is that these compounds are called carotenoids because they come from carrots (otherwise there'd be an equal chance that we'd be eating retinotts or something like that)."
HALF TIME: Arsenal 0-2 Manchester United. As the players walk off, you can hear the grass crunch under their feet. All the life has been sucked out of the Emirates Stadium. And no wonder: Arsenal have been bloody awful. United haven't needed to lift a leg.
Will this cheer Arsenal fans up? It's a man playing music through a carrot. That's got to lift the mood, surely?
No? Then what about this? "If it's carrots you are after, I suggest you head to the world carrot museum," says James Andrews, "It includes all sorts of information about their role in WW2 and if they're better raw or cooked. Although, frustratingly, it doesn't say where it is in the world so I can go visit."
Bad news about the World Carrot Museum already! "The World Carrot Museum is a virtual museum that attempts to collect and present information on all aspects of carrots," reports Nicholas Lyne. The museum does not currently have a brick and mortar existence but operates only as a website. It was initiated and continues to be curated by John Stolarczyk of Bradford, England." Poor James Andrews must now know what it's like to be an Arsenal fan.
If you think this half-time discussion is low on quality, thank your lucky starts you're not following the game on ITV. Former Arsenal netminder and star of the 2006 final Jens Lehmann is appearing on Britain's third channel, and has just suggested that these new balls pick up speed after they've been hit. And that's why Almunia is having trouble gathering them in with his paws. "It gets quicker the closer it gets to goal." Now, I'm just simple folk, but surely this goes against All Science? Doesn't it?
And we're off again Eboue replaces Gibbs. "The derivation of the word carrot appears to be from the Greek Karoton or karotion," begins Owen Linderholm in Dictionary Corner, "which has something to do with horn (makes sense what with the shape and all). This obviously is what Mr. Naylor intended all along with his comment about referees, darkness, issues with seeing properly and that ever-popular song about referees in black."
48 min: Walcott and Fabregas both attempt to get the ball towards Van Persie and Adebayor in the centre, but both crosses are easily dealt with. What a complete waste of time this 45 minutes is going to be. "It's surely no coincidence that 'Ji-SungPark's carrot' is an anagram of 'A staring jock purrs'," writes Leo Condie, who has far too much time on his hands.
51 min: Ronaldo goes for a stroll down the right wing. He cuts inside past the hapless Djourou and welts a daisycutter towards the bottom-right corner. Almunia does well to palm round the post. "I wonder if a humiliation in Europe will give Wenger's Wonders added motivation to take retribution in the League?" wonders Brian Jones, a hopeful Kopite. This spineless shower? Retribution? If you didn't think the league was over already, you should do after this.
53 min: From the corner, Anderson shanks an effort from the right wing - and nearly finds the top-left corner! Almunia has to backpedal furiously and tip over the bar. The keeper mops up the following corner with ease.
55 min: From Ronaldo Territory out right, Van Persie whips a free kick towards the top-left corner - but just wide of goal. That's the nearest Arsenal have come to scoring, and that's not very near. This is a risible display by Arsenal, who totally gave up after the first goal.
58 min: United ping it around with ease for a while. Then Arsenal attempt to up the pace through Toure, who embarks on what initially looks like a Beckenbaueresque stride upfield, but ends with him passing the ball six yards forwards to the feet of Vidic. This is abject. "Further to that night blindness/carrot nonsense you seem all too happy to push on to your readers," begins Chris Taylor, promisingly, "the guys on Mythbusters reckon pirates had the answer. The weird one with the beret and the artistic facial hair suggested pirates wore an eye patch to keep one eye ever night-vision ready, should they need to leave the bright confines of the deck for the dingy realms of whatever the bit beneath the deck of a ship is called."
61 min: GOAL!!! Abject Shower 0-3 Manchester United. That's that, then, if we didn't know already. Vidic heads clear from his area towards Ronaldo on the right. Ronaldo backheels for Park, who sweeps the ball left to Rooney. Rooney scampers down the centre of the pitch, drawing Arsenal's only two defenders in place, and rolls the ball back across right to Ronaldo, who hammers home. Such a wonderful breakaway goal. The Emirates exits become very busy, populated by angry and swearing men.
63 min: Giggs replaces Anderson, while Walcott is replaced by Bendtner. "Acording to Jens, Ronaldo (with the help of Nike) has just discovered perpeptual motion," notes Seth Ennis, "which is not only forbidden by the second law of thermodynamics but would also solve the world's energy problems. Well done football!" Does that count us too? Whyever not? Well done us!
64 min: ARSENAL HAVE A SHOT!!! Yes, they really have taken one! Van Persie cuts inside from the right and hammers a delicious shot towards the top-right corner. Van der Sar is all over it, though, parrying clear.
66 min: Evra is replaced by Rafael, and Rooney is subbed by Berbatov. "For the ball to get quicker as it went along, a force greater than the friction of the air on the ball would need to be continuously exerted in the direction the ball was moving," writes Steven Duggins. "Newton's first law of motion, and that's before we get onto the part gravity plays in the whole show. It appears that Jens Lehmann is to science what Jens Lehmann is to goalkeeping."
68 min: Some of the Arsenal fans still in the stadium are doing a lot of shouting, utilising words such as EFF and CEE. "Having struggled to explain the meaning of 'effete' to a group of Bavarian students this afternoon, I'm glad I can point to this Arsenal performance in future," writes Jonanthan Woolley. "Actually, come to think of it, Bayern Munich would work just as well."
70 min: The ball clanks off Bendtner's shin and over Finsbury Park. This is an appalling show by Arsenal.
74 min: FLETCHER WILL MISS THE EUROPEAN CUP FINAL!!! He's sent off - to the great delight of the Emirates - for tangling with Fabregas in the box, as the Arsenal midfielder shapes to shoot. He's behind his man, yet gets his studs to the ball - but as Fabregas goes down under the challenge, he's given a red card. He walks off the field stunned - and no wonder, because that was harsh.
76 min: GOAL!!! Arsenal 1-3 Manchester United. Van Persie smashes the ball into the top-right corner. That's a superlative penalty.
80 min: Vela replaces Van Persie. "The Arsenal backlash starts, courtesy of this gem from ESPN's Tommy Smyth: When are Arsenal going to realise that it's not about getting young players, building stadiums and moving the players on?" reports Simon Frank, who adds: "OK they were dismal tonight, but there's no Arshavin, Nasri's on first season syndrome, and there aren't any defenders available. They were 18 games unbeaten before this crap display, after all."
82 min: Adebayor is booked for stamping on Carrick's foot. That should have been a red card. Manchester United - and especially Darren Fletcher - will feel pretty aggrieved at the moment. "We've admired the Invincibles and now we have the Invisibles," opines Michael Aston.
83 min: Fabregas hits a free kick from 20 yards out straight into the United wall. He picks up the rebound and hammers a low shot wide left.
85 min: A long left-to-right raking ball is met by Fabregas at Van der Sar's right-hand post. The ball's begging to be belaboured, but Fabregas can only lift it into the keeper's hands. If you need a symbol of Arsenal's impotence this evening, which you probably don't, that'd do. "If a ball is sent spinning, it can in fact pick up speed as its spin slows down, even if it's being frictioned by the air," writes HopelessPhysicsGeek. "In fact, said friction can actually help the effect happen, plus make the ball swerve crazily from side to side, as per Cronaldo free kicks."
88 min: Ronaldo takes two free kicks in a minute, in search of his hat-trick. Both of them are ridiculous ballooned efforts, utterly devoid of direction. "Slightly surprised nobody's taken Simon Frank to task on his 18-game unbeaten Arsenal stat yet," chirps Matt Prior. "Have Arsenal played 18 unbeaten games since they were last beaten by, er Man Utd last week? No wonder they're not very good tonight. They must be ever so tired."
90 min: Adebayor takes a shot at goal while falling backwards. Van der Sar picks it from the sky with contempt. "Everyone seems to say Fletcher got a clean touch," begins John Priest. "As a Spurs fan I was wondering if the clean touch was the pull on Fabregas' jersey or the trip directly after that? Just because he also got the ball does not mean he didn't foul Fabregas at the same time – or can I punch someone in the head as long as I kick the ball as well?"
FULL TIME: Arsenal 1-3 Manchester United. And that's that. United can't even be bothered to celebrate properly, so easy was that for them. A total no-contest. United are one game away from becoming the first team to retain the European Cup since Milan kept hold of it in 1990.
