Afternoon everyone.

Your MBM correspondent has driven 220 miles to be here this morning, flogging a rented Vectra all the way up the M5 and M4 from Dartmoor, sustained all the way by the thought of the glorious Sunday double-header I'll be bringing you this afternoon. I've double-parked on a red line across the way from GU Towers (it's Sunday, that's OK right?) and slumped down in my seat just in time to hear Phil Vickery say: "I'm promising you, this week will be different".

Ahem. We've heard that before sadly. I was a little surprised to see Shaun Edwards tipping an England win in his column earlier this week. Mr Edwards (yes, we all call him Mr Edwards round these parts) forgot more about rugby over night than I've learned in a lifetime, but still... I just can't quite believe he's right this time. I hope he proves me wrong.

"Some people consider England favourites today" the Beeb's pitchside reporter tells us. Really? Really? Where does this optimism come from exactly?

A man who makes typically makes markedly less sense than Shaun Edwards, Lawrence Dallaglio, made some rare incisive remarks in his panning of the Johnson regime in last weekend's Sunday Times: Johnson is out of his depth, and struggling to impose his personality on the team and the coaching set-up around him. That, Dallaglio, pointed out, was clear from the press releases being put out about Matt Stevens' ban in Johnson's name but clearly written on his behalf by a PR blazer in the ranks of the RFU. The sight of him pounding his fist and cursing like a sailor in the stands during England's defeat in Dublin was truly embarrassing. Will he be able to keep his cool this time out?

Apparently there is a ten-foot model of Austin Healey being paraded around Twickenham. Dear oh dear.

Simon Shaw? To me that selection smacks of desperation; Johnson once again trying to reach back to the surety of his playing days by picking players he could rely on five years ago. Mark Regan will be back packing down for England before long at this rate.

Every single one of Sky's pundits has tipped England to win by seven. Apart from Rafa Obanez, who has said something bizarrely gnomic and impenetrable about hos both sides France will win by two points, unless England win by two points, "which they would do if Lawrence Dallaglio was playing." Yes. Thanks for that.

England have made France wait an awful long time after coming out onto the pitch. The French don't look especially bothered by this.

The anthems are ringing out around Twickenham. The Frenchmen doing the singing are:
Maxime Medard (Toulouse); Julien Malzieu (Clermont-Auvergne), Mathieu Bastareaud (Stade Francais), Yannick Jauzion, Cedric Heymans (both Toulouse); Francois Trinh-Duc (Montpellier), Morgan Parra (Bourgoin); Lionel Faure (Sale), Dimitri Szarzewski, Sylvain Marconnet (both Stade Francais), Lionel Nallet (Castres, capt), Jerome Thion (Biarritz), Thierry Dusautoir (Toulouse), Sebastien Chabal (Sale), Imanol Harinordoquy (Biarritz).

And the Englishmen crying their way through God Save the Queen:
Delon Armitage (London Irish), Mark Cueto (Sale), Mike Tindall (Gloucester), Riki Flutey (Wasps), Ugo Monye (Harlequins); Toby Flood (Leicester), Harry Ellis (Leicester); Andrew Sheridan (Sale), Lee Mears (Bath), Phil Vickery (Wasps), Simon Shaw (Wasps), Steve Borthwick (Saracens), Tom Croft (Leicester), Joe Worsley (Wasps), Nick Easter (Harlequins).

3min: TRY! M Cueto, CON T Flood. Monye fumbles a French return from the kick-off but then... astonishingly! It's a try by England!. England rumble up the middle and Flutey finds himself one-on-one with Chabal off the back of a ruck, he flips the ball out to Cueto and eases into the right corner, curving around under the posts. Flood adds the conversion and it's 7-0 to England.

6min. Well what a start that was. Flutey skinned Chabal to set that up, every bit as easily as you'd expect given the disparity between the speed po the two men. Just in case this early success was going to go to Flutey's head, he's been given a welcome reminder of his limitations by Bastareaud, who has run over him on his way into the English 22. There's a knock-on though, gratefully welcomed by England, and after a pair of French scrummaging misdemenours, it's a free kick to England.

9min. Again Bastareaud is on the rampage, and again his fione work comes to nought when the ball is turned over. England, playing with admirable confidence, spin the ball wide along the line to Monye on the left and he breaks some thirty yards upfield from the 22. Flood makes a hash of the ensuing penalty though, failing to find touch and watching the ball be returned with interest by Heymans.

12min. Shaw knocks-on, and the concedes an idiotic off side penalty at the breakdown. France opt for a long-range kick at goal as a consequence. Parra hooks it wide to the right though, and it remains 7-0 to England.

15min. Shaw concedes yet another penalty for off-side, and France kick downfield for a line-out on the English 22. Chabal gathers, and France drive across field. Harinordoquy slips through a gap, and feeds Trinh-Duc but he off-loads straight into the arms of the chasing Phil Vickery and again the French have turned the ball over.

18min: PEN! T Flood. Again France concede a penalty at the scrum, gifting England forty-odd yards of territory. Mears finds Borthwick and the ball is fed on to Worsley, who crashes through the line. Stuart Dickinson awards England a penalty after Harinordoquy strays off-side. Flood lines up a penalty... which he kicks. That makes it 10-0 to England.

21min. A monstrous clearance from Trinh-Duc, pushing England all the way back into their own 22. Mears duly finds Croft at the line-out though, and England boot the ball back towards the French half. Trinh-Duc lofts an up and under and Armitage does superbly well to leap and gather it, winning England a penalty for off-side as he does so.

24min. TRY! Flutey CON Flood Great move by England! It's becoming a rout! Mears picks out Croft, and England speed the ball quickly infield for a pair of in-out passes, Easter onto Flood, and Flood onto Cueto. He passes to Flutey who then races through a gap for a slick score. It's now 17-0 to England. Crikey.

27min. England come within a whisker of a third try, but Armitage's pass to Mears drifted just a touch forward. The ref's whistle blew even as Mears was off-loading to Croft, and the lanky no6 was sprinting over the try-line.

30min. France have been dire so far. Can this possibly be the same team that stopped the Welsh Grand Slam in its tracks two weeks back? An email! Glory be! I didn't think anyone was out there reading this: "We're going to win!" spurts Rajesh Pillai, "I can feel it, 10–0 after a quarter of the game. That can only logically extrapolate to 40–0." Mmmhmm, it's surely as inevitable as the setting of the sun, "Martin Johnson was on the radio before the game saying that France were the strongest side in the competition. Paf. Kidology."

33min. Swing Low rings out for the first time today, carrying England towards half-time. England win a scrum and Flood uses the quick ball to feed Tindall, in acres of space and with men outside him. Inspiringly, Tindall decides to boot the ball downfield for no apparent reason. Fortunately for him, the return from Medard is even worse.

36min.England are actually playing really well here. I can't quite fathom it.

39min: TRY Armitage CON FloodMedard chases down an English kick, gathering it as it crosses the try-line, but Cueto is hot on his heels and manages to turn him over to win possession for England. The forwards spend an inordinate amount of time setting themselves up for a drive, giving France ample to time to set their defence. But England work it wide to Mears, and then wider still to Armitage. He scores! That's 24-0 to England! Flood has added the conversion. This is a rout! A romp! A massacre! What the hell is going off out there? That all came, by the way, from a truly humiliating stripping of Chabal by Flutey.

40min: TRY! Worsley! France are in tatters! Shaw wins a turnover from the kick-off and England chip on, catching the French line cold. Croft, Ellis and Flood are all chasing the ball down the left, and both have chances to gather and score, but end up fumbling the ball after awkward bounces. It would have been easier for Flood to score than not, but he tripped over his own feet as he was about to cross over. No matter! Borthwick works the ball wide and another pass picks out Worsley over on the right. He dives over and that makes it 29-0!. Flood has gone off the pitch injured, clutching his left shoulder. In his absence, Armitage misses the conversion and that's it for the half.

HALF-TIME.

Damn. 29-0. 29-0!

Lievremont will surely have to make some changes. As indeed will England, because Flood dislocated his shoulder while he was bungling that last try. Andy Goode is on his place.

43min. TRY! Flutey CON! Lievremont must be a masochist because he's not made a single substitution. Maybe he just wants to punish the players who have got him into this mess. And that's just what's happened: A scorching break down the right by Armitage follows a neat turn-over worked by Goode and Ellis. Armitage flicks a pass inside to Flutey, and he trips and stumbles his way over the line for England's fifth try. Extraordinary stuff. Goode misses the conversion.

46min. Johnson brings on White for Vickery. And for the first time in a very long time, Twickenham erupts into a smug and heartfelt round of Swing Low, sung not for inspiration but for celebration. "I'm watching the match on French TV," Simon Davies tells me, "and I can tell you the French commentators looked pretty crestfallen at half time. Fabien Galthie couldn't have looked more upset if Dallaglio had said something incisively nasty about his sister."

49min. Finally Lievremont gets out of the headlights and makes some changes, bringing on Fritz, Bonnaire, Traille and Domingo. They've a fairly thankless 30 minutes ahead of them I should imagine. "Hahahahahahahahaha" says Pez Roscorla, succinctly summing up the thoughts of a nation.

52min. This has been the worse French performance I can recall ion recent years. It would be painful to watch were it not such sweet succour for England. "Who'd have thought Pillai's sunny logic (30 mins) might have been underplaying our prospects?" asks Peter Ratcliffe. Mmm, I hope England can twist the knife in the final quarter: could be a good time to bring Tait into the fray and let him cut loose against tired limbs.

55min: TRY! Szarzewski. Understandably enough, England have eased off in these last ten minutes. The French have rallied themselves up into the English 22, but undo themselves again with a turn-over, which Flutey punishes with a hoof downfield. Harinordoquy bursts back upfield, and Traille ends up sprinting a quick penalty that takes him to within a yard of the English line. The ball is flicked wide and Armitage then stops a near-certain try with a deliberate knock-on interception, for which he is duly pinged by Dickinson. France gather for a series of drives after a long ponderous set-up, Szarzewski bulls his way over for a consolation try. Parra misses the conversion and that makes it 34-5.

58min Hartley, Haskell and Care are all on for England now. "Has Flutey smuggled a bunch of his Kiwi mates into English jerseys without France noticing?" asks Ben Heywood, "I'm reading the MBM here in Montenegro, and can barely believe what is apparently unfolding at Twickers. As you are seeing it and I am not, can you please clarify something - are we great again, or are France epically rubbish?" France have been dire, and England, spurred into genuine self-belief by their early try, have cut them to ribbons with ease. We're not great again, no, but we've finally converted all that latent, and oft-hidden, ambition and aggression into tries.

61min. "In the same way as Johnno didn't know what he was doing a fortnight ago, is he the reincarnation of Carwyn James this week?" asks Gary Naylor. No, emphatically not. But he seems to have got something right during the team's training camp in Yorkshire this week. More importantly though he's had the good luck to come up against Marc Lievremont on one of his most absurdly clownish days. Come back Laporte! All is forgiven. Lievremont is turning this French team into a parody of their own stereotype.

64min: TRY! Malzieu Ah England. They're letting it slip here, and they don't need to. That's a pathetically easy try for Malzieu, France feeding a three-man overlap off the back of a scrum in the centre. He strolls over the line as though he were off to the shop to fetch the Sunday papers. Another missed conversion, and it's now 34-10.

67min. Andy Goode has endures an embarrassing three minute spell, chasing a bouncing ball like a dog after his own tail, and then missing a tackle. Can this man, this balding, bemulleted, big-gutted journeyman really be the best fly-half in the country?

70min. Worsley hobbles off the pitch, and England send on Nick Kennedy. Johnson has used all his subs now. Except Tait. Honestly, what does that man have to do to get some game time? Chabal, Faure and Nallet should really be gotten rid of. "Despite a very English sounding name (that's paternal grandfathers for you) I can assure you I'm French" says Robert Smithson, "The will to kill myself (I feel like Smyth did yesterday) has subsided slightly and I've had a few thoughts: "Chabal, Faure and Nallet should really be gotten rid of. And Lievremont in 18 months in the job hasn't made it clear what he's trying to do, we've played well only in bursts in a few games. It's time for someone else. Medard, Dusautoir, Domingo, Barcella, Bastareaud, Clerc are very good players. We should be making use of them."

73min. At last (20 scoreless minutes feels an eternity in this match) England spark something forceful, Easter making a superb break and one-handed offload to Armitage. He jinks his way down the left, but is brought up just short. It's a French scrum. At last Tait is on, for Monye.

76min. Tom Croft has, as Eddie Butler has rightly pointed out, been utterly superb this afternoon. Tindall gets an old-fashioned stud-rake from Sebastien Tillous-Borde, tearing open his shirt to expose three ugly red gashes across his back. It doesn't stop Tindall bursting down the right moments later though, prevented from making his attempt to score a seventh try only by the referee's whistle, calling him back for a forward pass.

79min. Moore awards Croft the man-of-the-match, and there were a host of contenders for that title. "'Andy Goode.. Can this man, this balding, bemulleted, big-gutted journeyman really be the best fly-half in the country?' Sorry, why shouldn't a man who's balding be an excellent fly-half? And what's his haircut got to do with anything? Why not mention his skin colour while you're at it, or his star sign?" Harrumphs Susan Kirchner. Susan, I think you're taking me a touch too seriously. If you really need to ask what makes Andy Goode such a comic cult hero, then you're never going to know at all...

80min. One final rendition of Swing Low then, and a final line-out for England. They try to fashion a final score from three minutes of solid possession, though there was time enough for Cueto to make another pair of fine breaks. Hell, even Phil Vickery is slipping through the gaps now, flinging away one-handed off-loads.

83min. England win a penalty, and opt for a scrum. Care darts right and Andy Goode makes a superb break which almost sets-up Tindall. But France turn over, and clear to touch. That's it folks. England 34-10 France.

Well. That was surprising. Very surprising. In parts, England were quite superb, even if France did come back to 'win' the second-half 10-5. Lievremont should cop no end of flak for his role in this fiasco, but England, well they're now the tournament's leading try-scorers. Gracious. Phil Vickery wasn't lying: it was different this time out.

Right. Thanks for your emails and company and generally enjoyable disbelief at what just unfolded. I'll be back in half-an hour for the England v West Indies Twenty20 cricket. Let's hope that's just as enjoyable. See you there shortly.