Editorial decisions: the guardian.co.uk way. I'm scheduled to be here with the football news at 2.30pm, though quite frankly I fancy watching a bit of the snooker. It is the World Championships at the Crucible in Sheffield after all. So I'll probably start this early, and cover a bit of the action on the baize, thus ensuring I can watch it while working, and avoid being accused of grifting The Guardian by The Man.
Snooker latest: On the opening day of the 2009 No Longer Sponsored By Embassy Fags World Championships, Rory McLeod has just won the fifth frame of his first-round match agains Mark King, but still trails 3-2. The session on the other table has long finished, Ronnie O'Sullivan coming back from 3-2 down against Stuart Bingham to lead 6-3. That one starts again at 7pm tonight, and snooker isn't as good as it used to be, is it.
There is a reason I'm not giving you updates on the King-McLeod match: neither of the players are doing anything. At all. I wouldn't be surprised if this frame gets reracked; they're just nudging two reds up and down the top cushion. This game is a real steaming parcel. It makes Eddie Charlton v Cliff Thorburn look like the Pocket Money round on Big Break. These two should be chased out of Sheffield by a hoodlum waving a sharpened (and freshly chalked) cue.
Let's watch this instead:
That's a pretty good effort from Dennis, there.
[Legal disclaimer: Guardian News & Media accepts no responsibility for any reader who watches this clip then goes out and hunts down Jim Davidson before killing him in cold blood for the greater good of the nation]
This bloody frame is still going on. Incidentally, in the other match, Ronnie O'Sullivan missed out on the chance of a 147 by potting ten reds and nine blacks, before missing an easy-enough tenth black. There goes £157,000. Speaking of £157,000, that's how much I am considering offering Rory McLeod and Mark King to bugger off.
Somebody has potted a ball! After racking up a stupid number of points when King misses again and again while attempting to get out of a snooker, McLeod sinks a long yellow down the left rail. That's a spectacular pot! He quickly reverts to type, missing the green - frame ball - in the top right. What an oaf. King then shanks a pot about 30cm wide of the pocket. These two are inept. This is abject rubbish. Thankfully, the tournament administrator appears to have thought "TO HELL WITH THIS, AND EFF IT T'BOOT" because they're going to boot these losers off the table a frame early, to make way for the afternoon matches. Thank you, tournament administrator! We salute your courage, your strength, your indefatigability.
Thank sweet baby Moses for that. McLeod pots the green and, despite going on to miss a really basic blue, thus allowing King to faff around looking for three snookers on the blue, eventually wraps up the frame, making it 3-3. That's without doubt the worst frame of snooker I have ever sat through, and I watched every minute of Graeme Dott v Peter Ebdon in 2006. The referee chases them off the table and, one would hope, out of the arena waving a white-gloved fist. That session lasted three and a half hours, and they only played six frames. Christ Almighty. The state of snooker at the moment.
2.22pm: That's a huge result in the Scottish Premier League: St Mirren have won 2-0 at Motherwell with a pair of late goals, the second a cracker by Andy Dorman. That condemns Motherwell to playing out the season in the bottom half after the split, while St Mirren are - for a couple of hours at least - now seven points ahead of bottom side Falkirk.
2.30pm: it's team news time! First up, Boro v Fulham. Middlesbrough boss Gareth Southgate names the team which started the 3-1 victory over Hull. Roy Hodgson's Fulham, you'll be unsurprised to hear, are also unchanged.
2.31pm: Sunderland v Hull. Ricky Sbragia names an unchanged team from the Manchester United game for his side's crucial relegation battle against Phil Brown's Nervous Breakdown City. Brown made four changes, restoring Boaz Myhill, George Boateng, Kevin Kilbane and Dean Marney, and then put his shoes and car keys in the fridge.
2.34pm: I was hoping to give you the team news at a rate of a match per minute, but no. Anyway, here's another relegation six-pointer; it's Stoke v Blackburn. Benni McCarthy returned to Blackburn's starting line-up along with Morten Gamst Pedersen and El-Hadji Diouf. Stoke manager Tony Pulis names a side unchanged from their 1-1 draw with Newcastle, and promises not to cross his arms in front of Sensitive Sam Allardyce, in case the blg galoot, who appears to have the thin skin of a shy infant, gets all upset and "humiliated".
2.38pm: Aston Villa v West Ham. Emile Heskey's back! Tee hee hee! Meanwhile Carlos Cuellar replaces Zat Knight. West Ham boss Gianfranco Zola keeps his side unchanged from the one that lost at Spurs.
2.40pm: THE BIG ONE.
Basingstoke Town: Kitteridge, Mitchell-Coop, Hankin, Dolan, Aimable, Williamson, Jombarti, Maledon, Stephens, Ruggles, Ogunbote.
Subs: Christon, Tucknott, Jones, Tarpey, Waller.
Maidenhead Utd: Gore, Bradshaw, Fyfield, Behzadi, Saroya, Nisbet, Nicholls, Ashley Smith, Picquette, Tyriaki, Aiteoumakrin.
Subs: Sterling, Clarke, Tajbakhsh, Carter.
2.50pm: Stephen Hendry, seven times a winner here, has opened his account this year by taking the opening frame against two-time champion Mark Williams. This could be a great match, though neither man is the player he once was. Meanwhile 2006 winner Graeme Dott has lost the first frame of his match with Barry Hawkins, failing to pot a single ball.
2.55pm: And here's Portsmouth v Bolton, where Sol Campbell is "warming up in a robust fashion" according to Jamie Jackson, who is enjoying the sun at Fratton Park for your leisure and pleasure.
Pompey: James, Kaboul, Campbell, Distin, Hreidarsson, Johnson, Davis, Mullins, Nugent, Kranjcar, Crouch.
Subs: Begovic, Pennant, Pamarot, Utaka, Hughes, Kanu, Belhadj.
Bolton: Jaaskelainen, Steinsson, Andrew O'Brien, Cahill, Samuel, Basham, McCann, Gardner, Kevin Davies, Elmander, Taylor.
Subs: Al Habsi, Hunt, Muamba, Smolarek, Puygrenier, Makukula, Cohen.
3pm, and we're kicking off around the country, but first more Portsmouth news: "Pompey are starting guided tours of Fratton Park, the announcer has just announced," announces Jamie Jackson. "Oh, and there's a dinner of some sort hosted by Fred Dinenage." The chance to break bread with the World of Sport, How and Meridian Tonight legend? Are there still tickets available? Or is it a competition prize? Can we all enter? How do we enter?
3.01pm, and we're kicking off around the country, but first more Portsmouth news: "It's cold and misty before kick-off at Middlesbrough," begins Richard Rae, "where Gareth Southgate's somewhat belated realisation that scoring more than one goal gives you a better chance of winning matches sees him playing Marlon King and Afonso Alves up front, and Stewart Downing, Tuncay Sanli, and Jeremie Aliadiere in midfield. With Fulham presumably intending to knock the ball around in their usual pleasing manner, this could be an unexpectedly entertaining game. There's a cargo ship in the adjoining dock which is so big the bridge is actually above the level of the stand roof. May only be able to see one goal though." I wonder if anyone's standing on the bridge? A man with a white beard, a pipe and a parrot? And what could the ship's cargo be? I wonder if there's any heroin stashed on it.
3.05pm: "We are off at Stoke and the loudest ground in the Premier League is very, very loud," shouts Tim Rich, who can't be heard, but we can see him moving his mouth. "The club has just paraded a raft of signings they hope will guarantee Stoke's future. Sadly, for those hoping for some big spending from Tony Pulis, they are members of Stoke's under-nine team." Stephen Hendry wraps up the second frame against Mark Williams, the Welsh player missing an easy black to allow his opponent to sweep up. Williams concedes with one red still left on the table. On the other side of the divide, it's more good news for Caledonian snooker, Graeme Dott levelling his match against Thingy Dawkins. Snooker isn't what it was.
3.15pm: Not much going on in the football at the moment. At the Crucible, Mark Williams is in among the balls, having already racked up 54 points; I'd be surprised if he doesn't make it 2-1. After watching that eye-bleedingly awful nonsense between Rory McLeod and Mark King, it's lovely to watch some fast-paced play. "While I hate to be the bearer of ill tidings, it appears that on his IPL over by over, Rob Smyth has blamed you for his hangover," sings Tim Travers, like a canary. What? "In the interest of fairness, is there anything you would like to blame him for?" There isn't space on the internet to answer that question properly.
3.17pm: "Emile Heskey's back! Tee hee hee!" And so of course he's scored the opening goal at Villa Park, on 11 minutes against West Ham. Williams has made it 2-1 at the Crucible, with a break of 60-odd.
3.20pm: There are no other goals in the Premier League at the moment. Best in the world! Actually, Serie A was like this back in the day, and nobody was complaining then. So I won't either. Graeme Dott and Colin, or whatever the hell his name is, Hawkins have spread the reds all around the table in their third frame. This is the sort of table you and your mate would be faced with after a few pints of heavy. Oh snooker! What happened? "I remember when Alex Higgins went for a wee in that flower pot, oh dear, what was he doing!" writes Billy Murphy, shaking his head sadly. "I remember my Dad was terribly let down. Up till then Hurricane had held us with his enigmatic charm, a snooker whiz who darted around the table like a modern renegade of old. Looking back, I suppose it was only a matter of time before that fidgety magic turned to dust."
3.25pm: Dott has taken the third frame against Geoff Hawkins by the scruff of the neck, and he's currently sweeping up all the loose reds with something of a flourish. Stoke's James Beattie has fallen over in the penalty area against Blackburn, but the ref says no dice. At Pompey, Jamie Jackson has penned a paean to Glen Johnson: "At the moment it seems only Glen can play this game. Playing right midfield he's dribbled, he's crossed, he's flicked."
3.26pm: "C&A... for home improvements." This has caused me all sorts of confusion. Not because they're trading under the name of erstwhile British high-street clothing traders Clemens and August, but because they've suddenly started advertising on Sky Sports. I've only ever seen them sponsor the football on ESPN Classic. Top of their league for home improvements. Am I watching the right channel? Dott has made it 2-1 against John Whateverhisnameis. Hendry is 57-6 up on Williams in their fourth frame, in among the balls, and looking good to make it 3-1.
3.30pm: "The contest is as rugged and unlovely as you might expect," writes Tim Rich, who is currently 'enjoying' Stoke versus Blackburn. "Stoke have spent the opening 20 minutes bombarding Blackburn with long throws but no team managed by Big Sam is going to respond with prissy Tony Mowbray-like pretty football; oh no. The Blackburn manager has instructed Morten Gamst Pedersen to throw the ball into the Stoke area as far and as hard as Rory Delap. Other than that the closest we come to a goal is a back header from Abdoulaye Faye that takes Thomas Sorensen by surprise." It's 3-1 to Hendry at the interval.
3.35pm: The scorelines in the Premier League read like they've just come out of a set-top box: 1-0 0-0 0-0 0-0 0-0. WILL SOMEONE PLEASE DO SOMETHING?!?!!!? Ah look, here comes Jamie Jackson, with the "first two genuine chances" down on Fratton Island. "Johnson bangs one at Jaaskelainen; Elmander squeezes a shot that James saves well. Plus a yellow for Davies. Scintillating." Yes. But only in context of what's gone before.
3.38pm: I'm bored. Hendry and Williams are having a cup of tea, Graeme Dott is sitting down sipping from a glass of taint-free water as Larry Hawkins rolls the ball up against the baulk cush, and not a thing is happening the Premier League. I wonder if there's any heroin on that ship in Middlesbrough? Or a man with a pipe and a parrot standing on the bridge? I wish I was on Teesside, that it's come to this.
3.41pm: "C&A aren't British," pipes up self-confessed "part-time geek" Gary Hickman. "Sorry but they are Dutch, Clement and August being the first names of the Brenninkmeyer family. Orginially from Germany, they moved to Holland and set up the business." Hmm. So are they happy with this woman pedalling home improvements over here in Blighty, I wonder? If I was the Brenninkmeyers I'd have a right bee in ma bonnet about this sorry state of affairs.
3.43pm: "Actually it's thoroughly entertaining stuff at The Riverside," insists Richard Rae. "Boro, urged on by a frantic crowd, are charging around like madmen, and dominated the first 25 minutes, but Fulham's rather
more cerebral approach has seen them begun to create the better openings. Andy Johnson has just hit the inside of the post for the Cottagers." Yes, yes, but what about the ship? Is there a man on the bridge with a pipe and a parrot? Is the ship choc-full of premium skag? What colour is it? (The ship, not the horse.)
3.46pm: Thingy Hawkins has just levelled his match against Graeme Dott; it's 2-2 at the interval. Here's Tim Rich with the highlights of a "bizarre first half" at the Britannia. "Andy Wilkinson scything down El-Hadji Diouf, who naturally, is now howled down every time he touches the ball; James Beattie collapsing poignantly in the box, and fistifcuffs between Ryan Shawcross and Andre Ooijer. There are, naturally, no shots on goal of any description whatsoever, although Stoke appear to have a good claim for a penalty rejected by Howard Webb when Ricardo Fuller was brought down by Chris Samba." Has Tony Pulis accidentally arched an eyebrow at any point, causing Sensitive Sam Allardyce to start sobbing hysterically? I do hope so.
3.50pm: A GOAL! AND THERE GOES PHIL BROWN, UNRAVELLING A WEE BIT MORE EVERY DAY. On the stroke of half time, Djibril Cissé has just headed an Andy Reid cross into the net. Jets of hot steam parp out of both of Phil Brown's lugs. His psychiatrist will already be planning how to spend his latest windfall. Yacht? Helicopter pad? Helicopter?
3.53pm: What our American cousins are watching across the pond. "In the States," begins Clint Barnes from Colorado, "we're watching an incredible 11-on-11 tag team wrestling match full of violence and chaos and... oh wait, it's Stoke v. Blackburn." Anyway, apart from goals from former Liverpool strikers Heskey and Cissé, not a single net has been bothered in the Premier League in the first half.
3.56pm: The boat docked on Teesside LATEST. "The bridge has got tinted windows, but there's a blue, red and yellow flag," reports Richard Rae. "Colombian?" Ah, I didn't think about a stash of jazz salt. The plot thickens. I wonder if the windows are tinted specifically to allow the bloke with the pipe and the parrot to chop out a fat line in peace. And I hope he's not giving any to the parrot! Has anybody got the number of the RSPCA?
4pm: Do the RSPCA have any jurisdiction in international waters?
4.03pm: Williams is 40-odd points down against Hendry in the fifth, and has really cocked it up bigstyle, looking to snooker his opponent by rolling up behind the brown - but not giving it enough juice. It allows Hendry to take the yellow as free ball, and compile a frame-winning break. Anyway, with this being half time, and all that, I'm chipping off, as I've got to do the FA Cup semi final in a bit. Please join me for that. Rob Smyth, who is thinking about changing his name by deedpoll to Chalkboard Bobbie, will be your host from here on in. Enjoy, enjoy. And if you hear anything about a drug bust in Middlesbrough, will somebody give me the heads up?
4.09pm Hello. Scott Murray is off to give his nostrils some Dulux lovin' ahead of Arsenal v Chelsea, so I get to do the second half. At the Riverside, Mark Schwarzer has made a belting save against his old club to deny Tuncay. I'm more interested in this boat business, to be honest.
4.12pm A ridiculous start to the second IPL game: Dimi Mascarenhas - THE GUARDIAN'S DIMI MASCARENHAS - is on a hat-trick having taken two wickets with the first three balls of the innings in the match between Rajasthan Royals and Royal Challengers Bangalore. He'll be bowling it to his county and country team-mate Kevin Pietersen. He bowls it. It's travelling down the wicket. Still going. Here it comes. Oh, Pietersen has shouldered arms.
4.14pm Two goals in five Premier League games. Two goals.
4.15pm "Do you think a crowd of football fans could make 'soporific' scan?" wonders Jamie Jackson. I bet this man could.
4.17pm In the snooker, Hendry, who is 4-2 up, has the full million-yard stare on between frames. I really wouldn't want to spill his pint. Hawkins is in charge of the fifth frame against Dott: 36-34 up and going through the reds.
4.20pm "Mark Schwarzer has made three fine saves in five minutes to keep the score goalless at The Riverside. Oh, the irony," sighs Richard Rae.
4.21pm Two goals though!
4.22pm So this is the Premier League table as things stand. Hull, you'll notice, as in something seriously malodorous.
4.23pm Rafael Nadal has taken the first set 6-2 against Andy Murray. Given the cob that Murray has on, I wouldn't want to spill his pint either. There's a theme here. In the snooker, Hawkins and Dott have both buggered frame-winning opportunities are are now playing for position with Hawkins 54-42 ahead. I almost sound like I know something about snooker, don't I.
4.25pm "After a few elbows, yellow cards and some more brutalist tackling comes the first shot on target of the game, reports Tim Rich, the poor chap at Stoke v Blackburn. "It's a fierce drive from Liam Lawrence that Paul Robinson tips over and it might be considered worth the wait, if this wasn't the 54th minute."
4.27pm Hawkins has taken the frame 78-42 and leads 3-2. He celebrates by pulling a face that suggests he's just sat on the family cat, squishing it (I respect its privacy) all over the sofa.
4.29pm Williams trails 32-28 but is into the reds and going well. In the cricket, Royal Challengers Bangalore have moved to the relatively calm waters of 13 for two after 3.5 overs.
4.31pm Middlesbrough really, really need a goal in the next 20 minutes. I reckon if they don't win today they will have to win at St James' Park next month.
4.33pm Leicester are 2-0 up at Southend thanks to Matty Fryatt, who I can't take especially seriously because really what kind of goon calls himself Matty; they'll be playing in the Championship next season, and well done to them.
4.33pm The Guardian, England, The Guardian and Hampshire's Dimi Mascarenhas has got his third wicket, The One Wot Isn't KP (Robin Uthappa). Bangalore are 17 for three. What's cricketese for "shower"?
4.34pm "It's good to know that Higgins, for all his faults, knows (in the words of Christopher Moltisanti), 'what time it is," says Alex Netherton. "He's clocked the policeman's number and he's aware that given how they're acting at the moment, he's probably going to need to report it."
4.37pm Williams has cleaned up against Hendry, 86-32, to bring it back to 4-3. Hendry is caressing his cue with an intent that could easily be misinterpreted. Hawkins is going to go 4-2 up on Dott: he's 50-1 ahead and dangerously close to enabling the game register a pulse.
4.37pm: Stoke 1-0 Blackburn (Lawrence 75) Liam Lawrence disrespects Sam Allardyce by scoring a goal. That keeps Stoke up, but we kind of knew that anyway. Blackburn should be fine, but it's getting a tad hairy.
4.38pm I love watching the faces of snooker players while their opponent goes to work on a rapidly emptying table. As Hawkins' b reak moves into three figures, Dott looks like a broken man, his bottom lip covering his top lip. He's only 4-2 down!
4.39pm "Mark Schwarzer isn't breaking Middlesbrough's collective heart," says Richard Rae. "Their former goalkeeper is ripping it out, still beating, and holding it up triumphantly, while his victim screams in impotent disbelief. You know, like that chap in Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom." Don't say that, or Richardson and Glendenning will talk about Indiana Jones for 10 minutes in Football Weekly. Oh.
4.41pm "Kranjcar stretchered off from an apparently innocuous James C Nesbitt, sorry Gavin McCann tackle," reports Jamie Jackson.
4.42pm: Portsmouth 1-0 Bolton (Kanu 78) And that's Portsmouth staying up. Paul Hart has done an outstanding job there. Williams has a break of 50 and counting against Hendry. This'll be 4-4.
4.44pm Hendry is back at the table: he's 66-6 down but there are still reds. That means there are still plenty of points available. I have no idea how many because I am simple.
4.46pm "Lawrence not only has the distinction of the first and second shots on target, he has the first goal of a desperate afternoon," reports Tim Rich at Stoke. "Considering all that has gone before, it is very good; a long ball (naturally) that he takes down and guides past Gael Givet before shooting past Paul Robinson. The Blackburn keeper gets a hand to it but it trickles over the line and the Britannia launches into a chorus of Delilah. They can almost smell safety."
4.48pm: Aston Villa 1-1 West Ham (Tristan 85) Bangalore are 46 for three after eight overs. Pietersen has 20-odd. At Villa Park, Diego Tristan has scored his first league goal for West Ham against Aston Villa, who winless run looks set to go on.
4.49pm Williams has gone to 4-4 against Hendry. Dott, 4-2 down, is 37-0 ahead of Hawkins and at the table.
4.50pm Pietersen has pulled Tyron Henderson to midwicket after making 32 from 30 balls. Bangalore are 52 for four and in it against Shane Warne's side.
4.52pm Well this is fun.
4.54pm Williams is starting to take Hendry apart. Having won three frames in which Hendry only took around 20 points, he's now 43-0 up. Hendry's face is a picture.
4.57pm Wolves have been promoted to the Premier League after a 1-0 win over QPR. Well done to Mick McCarthy, a prize arse of a human being but a seriously underrated manager. He'll be out of a job at some point in the next 12 months.
4.58pm It's all over in the Premier League games, and the upshot is that Stoke and Portsmouth are safe, and that Phil Brown will be brushing his teeth with shaving cream tonight.
Aston Villa 1-1 West Ham
Middlesbrough 0-0 Schwarzer
Portsmouth 1-0 Bolton
Stoke 1-0 Blackburn
Sunderland 1-0 Hull
5pm "Wonderful, emotional scenes at the Britannia, where Stoke know they have survived in the Premier League," reports Tim Rich. "Abdoulaye Faye does a lap of honour urging the crowd to louder and louder chants. Thomas Sorensen embraces James Beattie and there is a vast, swelling chorus of Delilah. For Blackburn the sounds are much queasier."
5.01pm That's a big miss from Hendry, who pulled it back to 28-45 but then buggered a fairly straightforward brown. Williams is making him pay for that and should go 5-4 ahead any minute now. All the while, Hendry's phizog is hinting tantalisingly at the exploration of uncharted self-loathing territory.
5.09pm Williams closes out and will lead Hendry 5-4 overnight. Hendry's eyes are stone dead. Dott has squared it up at 4-4 against Hawkins.
5.19pm Andy Murray, who was a set, 5-3 and match point down, has broken Nadal in a marvellous game of three deuces and is now serving to make it 5-5.
5.24pm As Hawkins goes to work on the baize, Dott sits slowly sucking his teeth. He's redefining the word lugubrious. Murray, meanwhile, has made it 5-5 after being 30-15 down. Stirring stuff.
5.30pm Both Nadal and Murray hold their serve, so it's tie-break time. At Wembley, Petr Cech has continued his extended tribute to Dave Beasant and given Arsenal the lead.
5.43pm This is basically a grunting competition between two grown men. Grow a set lads! Anyway, Nadal is 5-3 ahead in the tie-break.
5.45pm It's all over for Murray, who lost a sensationally good tie-break 7-4 to Nadal and goes down6-2, 7-6. And that's pretty much it, so I'm off to concoct tomorrow's headache. Thanks for your emails. Bye.
