Snow on the ground today, was there? Chill in the air? Didn't want to get out of bed? Loser. Had to put a scarf and hat on, did you? Hugged the heater on the bus? Did that stampy, clap your hands together thing that doesn't really warm you up but that everyone does anyway? Get a life.
These, you may have guessed, are not the Mill's words nor, indeed, its attitude. Left to us, we'd still be wrapped up in the warm - or, at least, with a bottle of fake-warmth provider - pining for our mummies as the weather does its worse for the testicular prospects of simian primates. Not Roy Keane though. Not by a long chalk.
Today, he'll be positioning himself slightly to the left of his window, his finger twitching at the net curtain, waiting to see which members of his soft Sunderland squad dare to walk out to training in a tracksuit, gloves and hat, so that he can leap out and roar something scary at them. "Tracksuit bottoms are always a sign of how switched on players are," said Keano, unfathomably. Who wants to tell Pascal 'it's August, so I'll just dig out the woolly gloves' Chimbonda?
That's exactly the sort of iron discipline that Tony Adams will dispense in the Portsmouth dressing room. In what can only be described as a high-risk strategy, he's told his players that if they don't want to play for the man whose win rate of 22% got the only side he's previously managed relegated, they can leave. Expect the usual suspects to form an orderly queue at the door, then.
After spending a sole day in training at White Hart Lane, 'Arry has realised that the only thing that fits less well at Spurs than the training tracksuit he was handed is Heurelho Gomes and his one-inch punch. However, it's bad news for David James, 93: 'Arry has opted against a move for the calamitous creaking custodian, instead preferring the more youthful bungling of Manchester United's Ben Foster.
Phil Scolari is another big boss examining his squad. After watching the pitiable excuse for an attack he fielded against Liverpool, he's decided that Lazio striker Goran Pandev can hardly be worse than Nicolas Anelka. That the competition for the Macedonian's signature includes Spurs and Newcastle can only help his cause. Next, clearly worried about plucky underdogs Hull's chances of an upset tonight, he's decided to unsettle their star player by coyly twitching his 'tache at midfielder Geovanni.
Like shop stewards in charge of a gaggle of satisfied trade unionists, this week Premier League managers have mostly found themselves short of strikers. West Brom want Manchester United's appearance-shy Angolan Manucho as well as Real Mallorca's goal-shy Argentine Oscar Trejo. Boro have joined what his agent, presumably, and no one else, is calling the 'chase' for Marlon Harewood. Meanwhile, reasoning that Amr Zaki's only going to stick around until someone dangles a lucrative contract under his nose, Steve Bruce is hoping to repeat the same trick but with a Saudi Arabian this time. He'll decide that Yasser Al-Qahtani is his man, despite the forward's improbable - and potentially made up by wikipedia wags - nickname of Robin Hood.
If proper names and very long words were allowed in Scrabble, the combination of Gianfranco Zola and Zurab Khizanishvili would mean [Mill counts on fingers] … erm … a lot of points. Expect the match made in dictionary corner heaven to happen just as soon as the Blackburn defender can extricate himself from the clutches of Paul Ince (a paltry 12 points).
If you were an 18-year-old Leeds player called Fabian Delph, where would you rather play, The Emirates or Elland Road? Expect the midfielder to do one to Arsenal now that Arsene Wenger's fixed him with his gimlet eye. His replacement? None other than octogenarian Dean Windass.
And finally, Diego Maradona is to manage Argentina. Good luck with that Argentina. Yes, good luck. That's bound to go well. Yup, that'll definitely work out.
Feel free to use the space below to leave your own rumours, air personal grievances, or anything else you might fancy.
