And that’ll be yer lot. Cheers for reading, and let’s just hope that bloke that turned out to have made sweet, sweet love to his fiancée’s dad works it all out.

You’d prefer to be in his shoes than Manuel Pellegrini’s, that’s for sure.

Ta ra.

Bloody hell...

Well, that was pretty embarrassing for City, as the majority of their title defence has been. United were excellent in spells but they were helped along by some horrific defending from the team that, lest we forget, are still technically champions. Young was terrific, Fellaini direct and effective, Mata neat and Rooney looked better than in recent weeks.

United remain in third place, but are now four points clear of City who are just five ahead of Southampton in fifth, with Liverpool another point back before their game in hand, against Newcastle on Monday.

90 mins + 3: That brief bit where United looked a bit iffy has passed, largely because City don’t seem that bothered about attacking now. Which is weird.

90 mins + 1: United actually look a little bit spooked here. Aguero manages to create some space with a nice bit of footwork on the right and drives it into the box, where Lampard is free at the far post, but Smalling gets there to intercept and clear.

90 mins: That was Aguero’s 100th goal for City, if you care about these arbitrary milestones. Three minutes of added time.

89 mins: That’s actually some pretty neat football from City, with Lampard and Nasri combining to set up Aguero from a cut-back, and he shoots from around 12 yards out, De Gea gets a heavy hand to it but it just about goes in, via the post.

87 mins: Small fly in the ointment for United is an injury to Carrick, who has been limping for a few minutes and has now come off, despite United having already made their three substitutions. Unless this is a piss take too.

86 mins: United are just knocking it around now in that manner that only a team 4-1 up at home to their local rivals can.

84 mins: Young, showboating now, flicks it between his own legs to Falcao, who helps it along for Di Maria but the Argentinean can’t quite get the ball from under his feet and through on goal.

83 mins: And in the closest you can get to a really expensive managerial piss take, Falcao is on, for Fellaini.

82 mins: Di Maria, cutting in from the right, tries to make an instant impact with a shot from the corner of the penalty area, but it’s blocked fairly easily.

80 mins: Clichy tries to attack down the left, but Valencia eases him away from the ball. Meanwhile, Angel di Maria comes on for Mata.

79 mins:

78 mins: This is six defeats in the last eight, in all competitions, for City now. Oy vey.

77 mins: Based on this game and, y’know, the rest of the season, who do you think needs Mats Hummels more: United or City? The correct answer, in case you wondered, is City.

76 mins: Well, quite...

75 mins: Subs for both teams - Frank Lampard replaces Navas for City, and Marcos Rojo is on for Phil Jones for United.

73 mins: Well that was horribly simple. United get a free-kick out on the left, which Young swings over. It finds Smalling who would’ve been a good two yards offside had Mangala not been two inexplicable yards deeper than the rest of your defence, and he heads home, absolutely free. Abysmal defending.

72 mins: It all seems so simple really...

71 mins: Blind plays the ball down the left for Young, but that’s far too strong. City look to Pellegrini for a solution, and he just stands there, looking a little bit lost.

70 mins: Looking at the replay again, that was definitely offside. Marginal, perhaps, but still off.

67 mins: Demichelis is dragged out of position leaving a big hole in the City defence, the ball finds its way to Rooney who slips a nice pass through to Mata. He might have been marginally offside but it wasn’t a decision one could expect the linesman to spot, and Mata steadies himself before slipping the ball betwixt Hart’s legs.

66 mins: A minor lull in the game. Jones hoys the ball down the left but it’s overhit. Hart boots it back from whence it came.

64 mins: In the end the free-kick finds Demichelis at the back post, but his header back into the area is eventually cleared by Fellaini.

62 mins: Milner is absolutely ploughed over by a bad Jones challenge, the ball falls to Silva but the referee pulls it back for the free-kick, and they’re not entirely happy about life. Looks like Milner will have to go off, although they may have been planning that change before the injury - Samir Nasri is on.

59 mins: Remarkable header from Young. Some nice work by Carrick and Valencia tees up Mata for a cross from the right, which finds Young in all sorts of space about ten yards out, but he sort of runs past the ball and his effort actually ends up going away from the goal, rather than the regulation ‘towards it.’ As it turns out he was offside, but that didn’t make the header any less bizarre.

58 mins: Toure and Silva exchange passes on the edge of the United box, and the former opens up his body and tries a left-footed shot, but it’s blocked. City half-heartedly claim a handball, but no dice on that one.

57 mins: Here’s Matt Dony, on our favourite hairy tree: “The Fellaini Resurgence is a curious one. On the one hand, it proves that Moyes was right to buy him, and he clearly does have the ability to play for a team like United (albeit not one of the great United sides, but still a step up from Everton). On the other hand, Moyes knew Fellaini better than probably any other manager, so why did he never play him in this role? He was lost in the roles asked of him last season, but he’s dominating games at the moment. Was it a good buy, used badly? Or a bad buy, that has flukily worked out well?”

56 mins: The ball falls to Fellaini on the edge of the area and he’s given a baffling amount of room, but can’t do a great deal with it. More goals in store for United, here.

54 mins: Demichelis and Fellaini go up for an aerial challenge, the latter’s arm vaguely striking the former in the face but with little malignant intent. Demichelis goes down like he was Gary Mabbutt on the end of John Fashanu’s elbow, stays prone for a few seconds so Clattenburg calls a halt to play on the basis of a ‘head injury’, but Demichelis immediately leaps up to complain. He then receives a ticking off for being a great big dirty stinking faker.

52 mins: Rooney takes the resultant free-kick and shoots, which Hart does well to get across and save. A goalmouth scramble ensues as the ball falls to Carrick, his shot is blocked then all hell breaks loose in the box with the ball and limbs flying everywhere, but City eventually clear.

51 mins: Rooney goes down under the challenge of Mangala, and has the inevitable tantrum, so much so that when a few seconds later Navas takes down Mata and a foul is given, Rooney is still complaining.

49 mins: Milner tries a rather ambitious pass down the right looking for Navas, but Carrick is there to swoop in and intercept. They attempt an attack down the left but Clichy manages to foul Valencia while doing so.

47 mins: City on the attack first up, and the ball falls to Silva in the area, but he can’t bring it under control well enough and the chance goes. Carrick then performs a nice little feint to send a couple of United players the wrong way.

46 mins: And we’re away again. Hopefully both teams can keep up the pace of the first half without actually all keeling over.

Sounds like Kompany is coming off at half-time, having seemingly injured himself committing that foul he was lucky not to be sent off for. Eliaquim Mangala is coming on.

Claudia Martinez-Anaya has a correction/additional point: “Young’s backheel was not a mere backheel. It was a backheeled nutmeg. Now if that had been a certain diminutive Argentine etc etc...”

“Who would have thought that one day Yaya Toure’s job will be to shadow Fellaini?” writes Ore Popoola. What a time to be alive.

Half-time listening...it’s Nadine Shah:

“Pity poor De Gea and Hart,” says Mark Raven. “Two of the Premier’s better keepers, save Charlie Adams’s best friend, the otherwise superb Mr. Courtois, and it doesn’t seem possible you’d have a quality back line if you combined what available from United and City. Do four competent defenders exist on the pitch between the two squads?”

A belting encounter, providing more entertainment in the five minutes than we saw in 180 when Arsenal and Chelsea played earlier this weekend. United are deservedly ahead after recovering from an early City blitz that they either couldn’t, or weren’t allowed to, keep up. City have done well to press high up the pitch on occasion, but they haven’t kept it up enough. More of this after the break, please.

45 mins + 2: City attack down the right but Jones, dashing across, does well to win the ball. United then counter at some pace as the City players dawdle in tracking, Rooney feeds it out wide to Valencia who puts over a cross to the far post, again, aiming for Fellaini, but he has shove Zabaleta over to get to the ball.

45 mins + 1: Another booming cross to the back stick finds Fellaini, who nods it down to Rooney, but this time he’s crowded out.

45 mins: Two minutes of added time.

44 mins: Kompany could be in trouble here after a late challenge on Blind. It was studs first, a little bit high and while it looked worse because Blind was going at some pace and sort of cartwheeled, that could easily have been a red card. As it was, after a long discussion with the lino, Clattenburg shows him the yellow.

43 mins: The United defence finds itself in something of a mess as Milner slips the ball through to Aguero, but Valencia, who played him onside in the first place, manages to sprint across from the right and ease the player away from goal and the ball behind for a goal-kick. Bad defending, followed by good defending.

42 mins: “The derby is quite good, Mr. Turner,” writes Mark Raven, “but it’d take a miracle or pardon from the Queen, herself, to forget about the Frostrup advice column.”

41 mins: No puns, please...

39 mins: City shift the ball nicely and into the path of Fernandinho, who has a shooting chance from 25 yards but dithers, tries to shift onto his right foot, and the opportunity is gone. Instead he shifts it left to Milner, who opens his body and aims for the top corner...but misses by a distance that, to save the old boy embarrassment, we’ll just call ‘a lot.’

37 mins: “This game’s so good I’ve nearly forgotten about the Frostrup advice column,” writes Mark Turner. We’ll get to it, Mark.

35 mins: United’s gameplan seems to be send Fellaini to the back post and aim for him. And why not, because it’s working. Mata finds him this time, and he even has time to bring it down on his chest in the area, weigh up his options and lay infield for Rooney, but before he can slot it home the offside flag goes up.

34 mins: City very nearly in, after a superb pass from Toure splits the United defence in twain, but Aguero is just beaten to it by an alert and advancing De Gea. Silva then gets a yellow card for a slightly late challenge on Mata.

33 mins: City win a corner on the right that Navas swings over, Demichelis gets up to win the header but it drifts vaguely past the back post.

31 mins: Young tries to power his way down the left again, tries a stepover but it doesn’t work, and he goes to ground forehead first, like an inelegant high board diver.

28 mins: United attack again straightaway, but this time Young crosses with his left foot and slices it high and out of play.

27 mins: That goal was a bit like when rugby teams try to set up a player for a drop-goal - everyone could see what was coming, apart from the City defenders, it seems. Young and Blind exchange passes (including a backheel from the former) on the left side of the box, as Fellaini stands and waits, expectantly, waiting for the cross, at the back stick. Eventually Young gets space for the cross, landing it right on Fellaini’s bonce, and he heads past Hart, who still might not have touched the ball. A hint of offside about it - could’ve been marginally off, but it could’ve just been Fellaini’s hair that was beyond the last man. Which, technically, would be offside.

26 mins: Milner feeds Toure who turns and runs towards the box, but he then falls to the floor with Smalling nearby. The referee decides it was shonky footwork rather than a foul, and rules Toure slipped over.

24 mins: Milner is the first player to go into the book for a fairly cynical tug on Herrera. “We all hate Leeds scum,” rings around Old Trafford.

22 mins: Young tracks back to help out his defence, perhaps recalling those strange but halcyon days when he was a wing-back for a bit, but only succeeds in conceding a corner with a bit of iffy control.

20 mins: This is insanely frantic. Valencia is caught out of position so City attack down their left. A cross comes in low to the near post and Aguero, he can’t quite control it but the ball breaks to Silva, only for his effort to be blocked. All of that happened in the space of about seven seconds.

19 mins: Blind plays a horrible pass back to De Gea, and the United keeper takes a bit of a heavy touch off his thigh, and for a moment it looks like Aguero will nip in to rob him, but he gets the punt away in time.

17 mins: Lovely stuff so far, this. Herrera gets the ball about 35 yards from his own goal and, under the sadly mistaken impression that he might have a bit of time to stand and think about how to distribute the ball, Aguero scampers up behind him like a wee monkey sneaking up on someone to nick their sandwich. Luckily for United, Herrera spots the danger just in time.

16 mins: Shrewd work in the transfer market by United...

15 mins: Don’t think Hart has touched the ball yet.

14 mins: De Gea gets to a short back pass and clears upfield, where Fellaini flicks on to Herrera on the left flank. He crosses to the near post where Young gets something on it, it’s half-blocked, then comes off the United man’s back and drops to him about four yards out, with Hart prone, and he belts it gratefully into the roof of the net.

12 mins: But they do eventually, and Young’s run down the right is halted by a slight shove by Clichy, the winger requiring little invitation to eat turf.

11 mins: Milner is finding himself further up the pitch than Aguero at points, closing down relentlessly. Smalling tries to bring the ball out of defence but his ill-advised dribble is halted. The ball reaches Fernandinho but he’s fouled by a vaguely panicked-looking Herrera. United can’t get out of their own half.

10 mins: A drought, ended...

8 mins: Well, this was excellent. Clichy gives it to Milner on the left corner of the area, he slips a delightful reverse ball to Silva who’s in an unconscionable amount of space near the byline, not helped by a comically dithering pair of Phil Jones and Michael Carrick who stand not knowing whether to come or go, end up doing neither and give Silva the time to square to Aguero, who tucks into an empty net from four yards.

7 mins: City take a short corner that United are unprepared for. The ball eventually finds its way to Toure in the box, but his shot is blocked with some gusto about eight yards out. Frantic start - lovely stuff.

6 mins: Navas gets away after a long and vaguely hopeful ball down the right channel, but after cutting inside he can only shoots straight at De Gea. City have started this with the purpose they’ve been missing in recent weeks.

4 mins: Silva clips the ball down the left looking for Aguero, but the Argentinean is surprisingly uncertain with the ball and, after dithering for a bit, loses possession.

2 mins: Hatchet man Gael Clichy gets a finger wagged at him for a late foul on Juan Mata, but nothing more. Looks like City are playing a 4-2-3-1 with Navas right, Silva left and - get this - James Milner in the No.10 role.

1 min: And we’re away. It’s loud at OT. Vincent Kompany’s first act is to hoy a pass out of play. Strong start.

Justin Kavanagh writes: “People sleeping with other people in their families in a completely inappropriate way…it wouldn’t happen in football. Now let’s get on with the action and Manchester Unit…oh!”

The players are in the tunnel. One of the mascots is holding a fairly detailed conversation with Wayne Rooney, rather than standing there nervously as they usually do. Brassy young man.

Re; the Frostrup column, Craig McEwan writes: “Absolutely agree with your advice on this Nick. Any pearls of wisdom for Louis and Manuel?”

They should just kiss and get it over with.

Mark Judd says: “Mariella Frostrup’s advice column today, soon to be re-named Advice Corner with Nick I’d wager. I agree with your assessment but what worries me is how many weddings in the future will now be more closely scrutinised for signs of a relationship between bridegroom and father-in-law. The man has opened a real can of worms.”

And finally, a serious point from Philip Podolsky: “Outing other people or pressuring them to come out is terrible, unless they are conservative firebrands preaching hate for LGBT people. Also, wondering if the fact that the column’s gone a bit viral (I’ve heard of it twice today and I live in another bleeding country!) may further the plot somehow. Those two men are going to be very awkward around one another at family gatherings, perhaps giving rise to suspicions, hints and allegations.”

“He takes part in the game,” says Graeme Souness when discussing Marouane Fellaini.

Ouch.

Manuel Pellegrini is being interviewed on the telly. He’s got the cold, dead eyes of a man who knows he’s going to be doing something else in a few weeks. Either that or he’s just really boring.

Now, if you absolutely insist on talking about football, and this football match in particular, we could probably do that. So here’s some pre-game reading...

• Paul Wilson on United being louder than City in a noisy derby
• Jamie Jackson on United hoping to assert their old superiority
• Manuel Pellegrini insisting his team isn’t too old
• Louis van Gaal claiming he’s more scared of Aston Villa than City
• And, if you like this sort of thing, Jamie Jackson has picked a composite Manchester team
• Plus, as a special extra bonus, here’s Diego Maradona accusing Van Gaal of being the devil

Now, we could sit here for as long as you like discussing those teams. Where will James Milner play? Is it a gamble not playing Marcos Rojo? But enough of all that, for there’s something far more pressing to turn our attention to, and it’s elsewhere on these pages today. Indeed, you may already have seen it, but here it is anyway, from Mariella Frostrup’s advice column today:

The dilemma I have been in love for the last year and recently proposed. After 10 years of bisexuality (though I had more female partners than male) I was happy, excited and in love. She introduced me to her parents three months ago and her father and I recognised each other from a local cruising site. We have been intimate on about three or four occasions. He has made contact with me and asked me to tell my fiancée about my sexuality. I asked if his wife knew about his, and we have reached something of an impasse. He has since taken screenshots of old photos of me and I have also found some of him. Shall I just walk away from the woman of my dreams?

Quite the head-scratcher. But there are so many questions here. But the most important is, surely, why is this even a debate? What does either party gain by telling all? That’s two broken marriages that could all have been avoided with some mutually beneficial lying. Of course, being honest about one’s sexuality with a partner is fairly fundamental, but yer man here seems to be of the opinion that he can’t tell his fiancée one thing without the other; by all means tell her you’re bisexual, but for the love of everything holy, don’t tell her that you have engaged in the act of physical congress with her old man. What on earth is wrong with you?

Still, that’s going to be a father of the bride speech absolutely drenched in subtext. We all need to be there.

Honestly, they should give me Mariella’s column. Wasted on football, me.