90 min +3: United are running the clock down.

90 min +2: Palace load the box. McNair clears. Palace come back at United, through Souare down the left. The left-back’s cross is plucked calmly from the sky by De Gea.

90 min +1: Fellaini concedes a needless free kick down the Palace left. A chance for the home side to load the box.

90 min: Falcao, 20 yards out, passes to his left where Herrera attempts a sidefooter into the top right. A brilliant effort, and a brilliant save. The corner comes to nothing. There will be four added minutes of this marvellous, marvellous game.

89 min: Replays of Fellaini’s goal shows Falcao giving Delaney a gentle nudge in the back as the ball comes over. Still not sure why Speroni clattered into everyone, mind.

88 min: United are pinging it around in the middle, taking the sting out of this game.

86 min: A desperate Palace shout for a penalty kick, as the ball hits Fellaini in the chest. Nope!

85 min: A last roll of the dice for Palace: Zaha is sacrificed for Chamakh. Murray has a batter from 15 yards, spinning McNair brilliantly down the inside-right channel. Guess who’s up to it, parrying clear with his knees? What a keeper David De Gea is!

84 min: Before the free kick, a couple of changes. Palace swap Jedinak for Lee, while United replace an ailing Smalling with McNair. The free kick’s a waste of time.

83 min: Puncheon is still Palace’s best hope. He’s a livewire playmaker. He rolls the ball down the inside-left channel for Bolasie, who looks to spin Valencia. He’s upended. That’ll be a free kick, and a chance for Palace to load the box.

80 min: A bit of possession for Palace, and a good response to falling behind to that risible goal. Zaha nearly breaks clear down the right. He’s got men in the middle to find, but opts to embark on an elaborate dribble instead. Wrong decision. He recovers well, though, and slips the ball through Evans’s legs before pulling the ball back for Jedinak, on the right-hand corner of the United box. Leaning back, he gets his shot all wrong. But that was a decent chance.

77 min: And then Young tears down the left wing, and cuts a ball inside for Mata, who blasts over from ten yards! He should have made Speroni work there.

76 min: This is relentless! Palace go up the other end and win a corner. The set piece ends up at the feet of Delaney, on the edge of the area. His shot is a defender’s shot.

74 min: After that, a United goal would be the perfect narrative twist. And it nearly comes. Young cuts in from the left, past the hapless Ward, and sees his low shot clank off Dann’s ankle and inches wide of the right-hand post. From the resulting set piece, Fellaini’s found free at the right hand post. He takes the ball down, twists, and loses control. Mata slots the ball away from a tight angle, but the big man was offside.

72 min: And here he is making another, as McArthur, on the right, sprays a delicious diagonal ball to Zaha, six yards out and level with the left-hand post. Zaha creams the ball towards the bottom left, where the keeper gathers. He’s something special, is De Gea.

71 min: What a save by David De Gea! Dann brings the ball down, gloriously, in the United area. Running to the left and taking white shirts with him, he taps it back inside for Murray, free on the penalty spot. He’s got to score, and dinks a fine effort towards the left-hand side of the net. But De Gea sticks out his big right hand, and the fingertips keep the ball out! That could be the save that sends Manchester United into next season’s Champions League!

69 min: Mata drops a shoulder and shimmies down the inside-left channel. He draws three Palace defenders, then flicks the ball to his left for Young, who has Falcao waiting in the middle to head home, but wangs a dreadful cross into the stand behind instead.

67 min: This is hilarious, hectic, end-to-end entertainment. Valencia curls one into the Palace area from the right. The cross finds Fellaini, who stoops to send an uncharacteristically weak header goalwards. Palace flood up the other end, and Murray is very unfortunate to see his reverse flick clatter into an unwitting Smalling. Had he avoided the United defender, Bolasie would have been tearing clear on goal. Again, good luck in calling how this will end up.

65 min: United need to clear their heads. They’re a total mess right now. They allow Zaha to spring clear of a couple of half-arsed challenges down the right. If the former United player had kept his cool, he’d have threaded a pass down the right-hand channel to release Bolasie, clear on goal. But giddy after his run, he hoofs the ball straight out of play for a goal kick. You wonder whether Palace will rue not taking proper advantage of United during this period since the restart.

64 min: Murray flicks on for Bolasie, who is in acres down the left. United really are all over the shop. Jedinak’s in the middle, and Bolasie looks for him with the outside of his boot, but the pass is overcooked and misdirected. It’s awful, in other words. Goal kick.

61 min: Smalling has a rush of blood in the centre circle and falls over his own feet. McArthur goes tearing towards the United area, down the inside-left channel. He’s got Murray totally free to his right, but opts to go it alone, making rococo roads into the area, then screwing a very average shot, meant for the bottom-right corner, wide of goal. Palace should be ahead. This is a highly entertaining game, and good luck calling which way it’s going to go.

60 min: But Palace have their tails up, and Murray powers down the right. He nearly breaks into the box, but Smalling stays strong and clears. Then a long ball’s lumped into the United box. Jedinak goes up with Valencia, then flops to the floor. That’s not too clever. No penalty. Come off it.

58 min: United respond to the equaliser well, winning a corner down the right. Mata hoicks it straight through the area and out of play on the other side.

55 min: Herrera, who looks like a sweet lad but enjoys putting himself about, is hellishly late on Souare, and goes into the book. He can have no complaints, but makes one all the same, as footballers do. No real drama.

54 min: Puncheon diddles Mata down the inside-left channel, in the area. He reaches the byline, then checks back. Mata sticks a foot out, there’s contact, and Puncheon launches himself to the floor. The exaggerated fall costs Palace a penalty. It’s the only reason the referee doesn’t give it, surely. A terrible decision, and now Palace really do have something to moan about.

51 min: Fellaini fells Jedinak with what is either a sly, or purely accidental, elbow to the chin. A slightly unnecessary final movement ensured connection between elbow and coupon there. Fellaini can count himself lucky not to be in some sort of bother for that. Jedinak will be thankful for that spongy beard. He’s up and about again soon enough.

50 min: It’s a bright start to the second half for Palace. Souare comes down the left wing and whips a low cross to the near post. Murray, rushing in, flicks one meant for the bottom-left corner into the side netting. Half a chance, there, though it’d have been some finish to diddle De Gea at his near post.

48 min: Bolasie goes after a long ball down the left. He cuts back, sends Smalling off the wrong way, and crosses. The ball deflects out for a corner, off Herrera’s upper arm. That’s not a penalty either, as the players were very close, Herrera’s back was turned, and his arms were by his side. But imagine how the already-incensed home faithful react. The corner comes to naught.

46 min: Something to further increase the ire of Palace fans: Evans takes an age to tie a shoelace, causing De Gea to keep hold of the ball. Marvellous pantomime stuff. “Yer man PB brings back terrible memories for me of watching Turkish television,” writes Mike in Berlin. “In a previous life I was an in-play bookie in Leeds, forced to watch mid-afternoon Turkish Cup ties and give odds on them. I got so bored I began to count the adverts that pop up on the screen and counted that it happens about once every 90 seconds. Even more bored, I began to count the fouls, and lost interest after hitting 50 before half time. I’d never previously considered how many fouls are in a game, but I know now. I rarely complain about the Premier League now, because I’ve seen through the looking glass.” The Premier League: no longer the best in the world, but still better than the pop-up adverts on Turkish television. Richard Scudamore can have that one for free.

And we’re off again! Wayne Rooney was out early, trying to run off some sort of injury. Without success. He admits defeat, and is substituted for Falcao before Palace get the ball rolling. The home side, by the way, made a more ordered change: Puncheon has replaced Ledley.

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45 min +3: Corner for United down the left. It’s delivered straight into Speroni’s hands. “Have you ever watched footy on Turkish tv?” asks PB. “Well I am right now and it’s like the tv’s been infested with spam: pop up ads all over the place. I guess it’s how you pay for such top product and at the same time obscure the product a bit so everyone doesn’t realise the Prem’s a bit hoofy really. Good honest hoofy.” It’s like 1972 every year in England.

45 min +2: Bolasie, in space down the right, swivels a low cross into the area. Not for the first time in this half, Palace would have been celebrating a goal had the ball not just landed behind Murray, standing in prime position to score. He can’t readjust and get an effort away. Small margins, and all that.

45 min +1: There will be four added minutes of this first half, thanks to the Shaw injury. The first 60 seconds passes without incident.

45 min: Another corner for Palace, down the right. It’s looped into the box, and there’s a spot of head tennis in the six-yard box. United are in panic. All bar De Gea, that is; he gently leaps into the air to claim and calm the whole situation down.

43 min: A strange one, as Herrara whips a cross into the Palace box from the right. It misses everyone, and falls to Fellaini, by the left-hand post, six yards out. He must score, but he doesn’t really react. The ball clanks off his thigh, and into the hands of Speroni. He might have been offside there, but the flag didn’t go up. Probably for the best that things panned out as they did.

41 min: Fellaini rakes a long ball down the left. Young skitters into space. He whips a cross into the middle. Rooney meets it with his right instep, 12 yards out, but the ball hits Delaney’s hip, then his arm. Rooney claims a penalty, but that one’s not given, and it’s another correct decision. The players were very close to each other, and the handling was totally accidental. Rooney looks incensed, of course, because you sense he enjoys fuming.

40 min: Poor Shaw departs, and Evans takes his place.

38 min: Shaw is down receiving attention, having taken a whack in the face from McArthur’s arm while challenging the player from behind. It looked totally accidental. There’s a fair bit of blood dripping from Shaw’s nose, and he looks very, very groggy indeed. He’ll not be continuing, as first the doctor, then the stretcher, comes on.

35 min: Bolasie makes off down the right. He kicks the ball onto his other leg, and falls over. Goal kick. He has the good grace to smile in good humour as he picks himself up off the floor.

33 min: Murray, in a tight position on the right, slips a gorgeous ball inside, through a forest of United legs, to release Ward into the box. Ward battles with Fellaini, tracking back, and is outmuscled. The Palace fans, more than the players, scream for a penalty kick. The decisions aren’t going their way, but unfortunately for those supporters, the decisions have all been correct so far.

32 min: Young is getting pelters every time he touches the ball. The Palace fans aren’t letting the penalty decision go, correct though it was. The away support hit back with a chorus of Ooh Ah Cantona.

30 min: Another free kick for Palace, this time out on the right. Ward balloons it into the area, allowing De Gea an easy catch.

28 min: Palace are creating chances now. A free kick in the middle of the United half, just to the left of goal. It’s looped into the area, towards the right. Dann rises and heads down to the penalty spot, where Murray awaits. He’s in acres of space - United’s back line is in tatters! - but the header goes just behind him, and neither he nor Zaha can rescue the situation. A training-ground set piece which nearly came off in spectacular style.

26 min: And this was nearly 1-1. Corner for Palace down the right, after Jones confuses himself. Jedinak meets the set piece, coming in from the left, rising above Blind to send a stunning header towards the top-right corner. If it was on target, it was breaking the net, but it’s a tad high and wide. Not missed by much, though.

25 min: Palace are being bossed in the midfield right now. Jones strides through it, practically unchallenged, and rolls a pass straight down the middle for Mata. The Spaniard looks to twist and guide the ball into the bottom right, from the edge of the area. He doesn’t get enough purchase on the ball. Otherwise that could have been 0-2.

23 min: Rooney, on the right, hoicks the ball to the left-hand post, where Fellaini lurks. The big man cushions a header down for Young, but it’s not accurate enough for his team-mate to get a shot away. United are well on top now.

21 min: Young is all over Ward. He twists the full-back’s body and blood yet again, then whacks a deep cross to Rooney at the far past. Rooney heads down for Herrera, who meets the ball near the penalty spot with a volley. Not a particularly sweet one, the ball sailing into the top-right corner of the stand behind the goal. That’s a dismal end to a lovely move. Palace are reeling.

17 min: Bolasie robs a dithering Young on the right-hand edge of the United area. He bursts clear into the box, then shanks a hilariously poor shot into the side netting, while falling over. Young’s given the free kick, which is both unnecessary and incorrect. What a business all round.

15 min: Well that’s jinxed everyone, hasn’t it. Murray rolls the ball to McArthur’s feet, on the penalty spot. He’s just got to knock it a little bit to his left, then lash it in, rather like Género Zeefuik did for Hearts against Rangers the other week. Yes, that one. But he doesn’t. He fannies around, and the chance is gone. Apologies to Palace.

14 min: Herrera comes in from the right and sends a woeful long-distance effort well wide left of the target. This won’t stay goalless long, I’ll be bound.

13 min: Ward, deep on the right, rakes a diagonal ball into the box for Zaha, who just inside the box on the left, has a chance to Di Canio a volley into the top right. He opts for the safe rather than the spectacular. Shame. Taking it down gets him nowhere.

11 min: Young in a lot of space down the left. Space he earned by powering past Ward, in fairness. But the resulting cross is an abject waste of time. Guardian disclaimer: Much Improved doesn’t mean Perfect.

9 min: Bolasie bothers Shaw a bit, as the pair chase a ball down the Palace right. Shaw stays ahead of his man, which is just as well as there was no cover. But that was close.

8 min: Blind, the best part of 30 yards out, decides to take a shot. He’s lined up with the left-hand post, and goes for the bottom-right corner. His blistering daisycutter is going in, but then Speroni fingertips it onto the post. Corner, which is a non-event. What a shot from Blind, though. He’s a marvellous player. “And, sadly, no tonsorial stylings and no 1-11 for the teams either,” adds Lou Roper. Aye. God I miss being young.

5 min: Palace fanny around, conceding a needless corner. The set piece sees Smalling and Dann come together under the ball. Neither of them connect properly. The away support make a half-arsed claim for a penalty kick, but their heart’s not really in it. A nice open start to this game, though, and the atmosphere reflects that; it is wonderful, as it always is at Selhurst.

3 min: McArthur, in the middle of the park, rolls a delicious pass down the inside-right channel to release Bolasie on goal. Bolasie was a yard offside, though. But United’s back line doesn’t look totally sure of itself. They’re all over the shop less than 60 seconds later, as Jedinak strides into space down the same channel. That’s stride as opposed to run: had Jedinak any pace, United would have been in a lot of trouble there.

2 min: Ward tries to usher a long Jones hoof out of play down the left. Young battles hard, and wins a ball he had no right to win. Nothing much develops. But Young’s a shoo-in for Most Improved Player this season, isn’t he?

And we’re off! United get the ball rolling. “Can we please have the Selhurst pitch from those 1972 highlights, evidently having been attended by a team of oxen and a plough beforehand, for tonight?” asks Lou Roper. Sadly, no old-school horticultural stylings this evening: the grass is shimmering under Selhurst sun this evening. But it’s not exactly a bowling green.

The teams are out! Palace are wearing their red-and-blue-striped kit, while United are in their change strip of white. A classic look.

The hosts make three changes. Pape Souare, captain Mile Jedinak and Glenn Murray have been brought in. United also ring the changes. Phil Jones and Luke Shaw start, with Paddy McNair and Robin van Persie making way. In fact, van Persie doesn’t even make the squad, though perhaps the most notable absentee from United’s matchday beano is Angel di Maria. What a player, yet what a farce his signing has become.

The most jaw-dropping match to be contested by Crystal Palace and Manchester United is ... the six-goal 1990 FA Cup final? Nope. The night Eric Cantona flew into the crowd to dispatch spectacular justice into the startled coupon of some loud-mouthed eejit? Nope! It’s this old-school offering from December 1972, in which Palace administer an awful thrashing to a club who were European champions a mere four years earlier, only to end the season relegated. United themselves were in relegation bother at this point, though they’d avoid the drop, a stay of execution that’d only last 12 months. Don Rogers, though, what a player!