Manchester City go back to the top of the league. Manchester United stay fourth, below West Ham on goal difference. I am going to go and watch some paint dry. Bye.

90 min: There will be three more minutes of this unspeakable filth.

89 min: Scheniderlin is booked for fouling De Bruyne.

88 min: It’s all happening now. United lift a free-kick towards Fellaini, who bigmans it down to Smalling. The United defender stabs a low shot goalwards and Hart tips it wide. What a game!

87 min: A free-kick to City on the left. Kolarov flashes a cracking ball into the area and Otamendi throws himself at it in the area, but Rooney finally does something worthwhile and does enough to put the City defender off.

83 min: Kelechi Iheanacho, the hero of Selhurst Park, replaces Wilfried Bony.

81 min: Matteo Darmian replaces Antonio Valencia.

80 min: Valencia has pulled a muscle. He’ll have to come off.

78 min: “Our best attacking threat is left to rot out on the left,” says Thabo Mokaleng. “Hook Rooney, put Memphis on and let Martial play up top. Instead it’s Fellaini that’s sent on. City fans should band together and buy LVG a huge bouquet.”

77 min: Martin Demichelis replaces Yaya Toure. Let’s all go home.

76 min: Fellaini flattens Fernandinho in the air.

75 min: Marouane Fellaini replaces Bastian Schweinsteiger. Hit the big man.

73 min: Are you fascinated?

72 min: This has been a fascinating tactical scrap.

70 min: Lingard slides a lovely ball through to Rooney. But, well.

68 min: An exclusive picture of events from Old Trafford.

67 min: United bring on Jesse Lingard for Juan Mata.

66 min: A Harry Kane hat-trick makes it Bournemouth 1-5 Tottenham.

65 min: Marcos Rojo is lucky not to be punished severely for scraping his studs down Navas’s shoulder after fouling the grounded City winger.

64 min: Bony has been terrible. Does he fit in this team?

62 min: Herrera’s corner is headed away and City to break. Yet Bony’s pass forward is poor. A strong challenge from Rojo blooters the ball back into City territory and through to Mata, who’s still onside. However Hart reads the danger and races out of his area to boot the ball out for a throw.

61 min: Schweinsteiger twists and turns on the left, before driving a cross towards the near post. The excellent Otamendi gets it behind for a corner.

60 min: “Philip Podolsky is right about a draw being the moral imperative here,” says Charles Antaki. “As Immanuel Kant said, it’s the kind of rule that is obligatory for all rational beings. So yes, Chelsea and Tottenham fans are exempt.”

59 min: An afternoon to forget for Bournemouth. Harry Kane has scored again and Tottenham are leading 4-1. “At Liverpool Sterling received lots of praise for his tactical flexibility & intelligence,” says Niall Mullen. “At City though he will just have to be brilliant at football. Not yet...”

58 min: Phil Jones makes a superb recovery sprint to stop Yaya Toure bursting clear on goal after a scramble in midfield.

56 min: Navas’s introduction means that Kevin De Bruyne has moved across to the left.

55 min: Jesus Navas replaces the disappointing Raheem Sterling, who receives a sympathetic reaction from the United fans.

54 min: Jesus Navas is going to come on in a minute.

51 min: Mata goes across to the right to take the corner. He doesn’t cross it, though, he dabs the ball across to Herrera, who tumbles under a challenge from Sterling. He’s just inside the area. United shout for a penalty. It’s a corner, tangle of legs, a mish-mash. Another chance for Mata, though. He sends the second corner high towards the far post, where Smalling heads the ball dangerously back across goal. Schneiderlin stretches and just fails to make contact in front of goal and the ball drops inches wide.

50 min: Rojo swings a fine cross into the City area. No United player is in the City area. But then United have ther first shot! Mata and Schweinsteiger pierce City on the left and the ball is played back to Herrera. He should shoot first time but he takes a touch and his effort is deflected wide.

48 min: “Let’s be honest here for a moment: anyone whose humanity hasn’t been corroded beyond redemption by football tribalism wants gramps Arsene to win the league this season,” says Philip Podolsky. “In theory this means a draw is the best, most ethically sound outcome from this game. But only in theory, since no one actually thinks United are serious title challengers. Thus the moral imperative is to take as many points off City as possible.”

I’m sure Chelsea and Tottenham fans agree.

47 min: A diagonal pass eludes Rojo and reaches De Bruyne on the right. He surprisingly duffs his attempted pass inside to Toure, which kind of sums up this game so far. “There looks to be the beginnings of a good United team here, if you take away Rooney and Mata (who are both being carried) and replace them with with younger faster players (Kane and Eriksen come to mind, sorry Spurs fans),” says Eddie Munro. “Rooney is obviously not good enough anymore but Mata isn’t top quality however much the football hipsters love him. He’s been giving away possession too easily, not picking the right passes to unlock the City defence, getting caught in possession in the middle of the pitch repeatedly and delivering poor set pieces. The reason United haven’t had any shots on target is that Rooney and Mata aren’t good enough.”

46 min: The second half begins. Let’s hope for something resembling excitement; a few dribbles, maybe a shot from United, or even two! Martial begins encouragingly enough, winning a corner on the left. It’s headed away.

45 min: Vincent Kompany is booked for an inept foul on Martial on the left. There will be one minute of stoppage time.

44 min: Toure does brilliantly to eke out space in the middle, digging the ball out from under his feet and sweeping it out to the right to De Bruyne on the right. De Bruyne gets his head up and clips an instant expert pass inside to Toure, who has continued his run into the area. However Toure scuffs his shot badly, the ball dribbling wide. That’s the best chance so far.

43 min: It took a lot of money to put these two teams together.

41 min: De Bruyne hangs the corner towards the far post. Toure beats Schneiderlin in the air and his header drifts just wide. For a moment it looked like it was going to creep into the top corner.

40 min: Toure decides to go for a goal with the free-kick, shooting from 30 yards. His low effort is deflected wide for a corner.

39 min: Space suddenly materialises in front of the United back four, Fernandinho pinching the ball off Mata, who responds by rapping the City midfielder’s ankles as he tries to play Bony through. Mata is booked. He seemed like such a nice guy.

38 min: Rooney muscles Sagna off the ball on the left and bustles towards the City area. The shot’s on. He rolls a pass behind for a goal-kick.

35 min: Rooney smashes a 60-yard pass behind for a City goal-kick. This could be better.

34 min: Sagna hoicks an up and under towards the United area. Phil Jones wants the flag to go up against Bony but the City striker doesn’t involve himself in the play, forcing Jones to send an awkward header behind for a corner. Whoops. Luckily for Jones, nothing comes from the corner.

32 min: Erik Lamela has made it Bournemouth 1-3 Tottenham.

31 min: “I noticed you built up Martial as some kind of “impudent” footballing genius in the City v utd game, but you didn’t give DeBruyne the same build up despite his success,” says I.D. Smith, who should be careful about using the internet, the government can tap into your brainwave.

28 min: It must be said that both sides are defending well. Marcos Rojo has just made two immaculate tackles on De Bruyne. This is very tight. There’s no space in either final third.

26 min: This game hasn’t quite come to life yet. There’s not enough David Silva or Sergio Aguero.

24 min: Antonio Valencia is back on. United are up to 10 men. And now Rooney is back with staples in his head. United are up to 11.

23 min: Wayne Rooney also needs treatment on a cut to his head after an accidental collision with Vincent Kompany. United are down to nine men for the time being.

22 min: Antonio Valencia is down with an injury. City eventually put the ball out of play.

18 min: Mousa Dembele has had his first shot since 2012 and given Tottenham a 2-1 lead at Bournemouth.

17 min: De Bruyne exchanges passes with Toure on the right and speeds away from Rojo, but pressure from Smalling forces De Bruyne to rush and overcook his cross.

15 min: Martial slips as a pass reaches him. No problem, he controls it with his chest as he’s lying on the ground. What impudence! Moments later Martial skedaddles in between two City defenders, zigzagging away from them, and Fernandinho chops him down. He’s booked and will miss the League Cup game against Crystal Palace this week.

12 min: City construct their first proper attack. Sterling plays a fine one-two with Toure and darts into the area from the left. He drops a shoulder, buying himself a yard of space, but his shot is deflected wide of the left post. De Bruyne’s corner is headed away. That was an excellent piece of play from City.

10 min: Harry Kane has equalised from the spot for Tottenham against Bournemouth.

9 min: A replay of the incident shows that it wasn’t a handball by Fernandinho, or at least not a deliberate one. It also wasn’t in the box.

8 min: City struggle to get the ball clear on the edge of their area, Sterling too slow to react as United players swarm all over him. Mata tries to burrow into the area from the right and then screams for handball when the ball flicks up against a City defender. He’s adamant that it’s a penalty. Clattenburg disagrees.

5 min: Rooney, 30 years old, gives Toure the slip in the middle. Toure clips his shins. That’s not much of a present, Yaya, especially from someone who places so much importance in marking birthdays properly. Mark Clattenburg should probably book Toure - it was a cynical foul - but he gives the City midfielder the benefit of the doubt.

4 min: Antonio Valencia, playing at right-back today instead of Darmian, charges down the left and his cross takes the slightest nick off the sliding Kolarov. The officials award City a goal-kick. How insulting that they’d think Valencia would shank it that badly.

3 min: The teams are in the getting to know you stage, City are sitting off United but they’re happy for them to have it at the back. Meanwhile, in the other game that’s taking place at the moment, Matt Ritchie has made it Bournemouth 1-0 Tottenham.

And we’re off! Manchester United, attacking the Stretford End in the first half, get the Manchester derby underway. It’s loud at Old Trafford.

Here come the teams! Old Trafford is rocking. I always think the atmosphere there is unfairly criticised. It’s pretty good for big matches.

Let’s analyse those teams! Manchester United have kept faith with the attack that confounded Everton last weekend, so there’s no place for Memphis Depay again. Wayne Rooney is up front and Anthony Martial is on the left. United have a fine record when Ander Herrera starts. But City come into this derby high on confidence after beating Sevilla on Wednesday. Vincent Kompany is back in defence and Manuel Pellegrini has bolstered his midfield, Fernando replacing Jesus Navas and Yaya Toure pushing forward. David Silva and Segio Aguero are out. But Kevin de Bruyne is in.

Hello. It’s a game that needs no introduction, which is just as well. It’s arguably become the biggest in English football. It’s Bournemouth v Tottenham Hotspur the Manchester derby! Manchester City go top with a win. Manchester United go joint top with a win. Both sides have spent untold millions. But who’s spent their money better? There’s only one way to find out.

Kick-off: 2.05pm