There aren’t too many rumours today, because the people of this green, unpleasant land are dealing in numbingly cold, hard facts about England’s ridiculousness. What a shower of clowns! The tabloids have found space for a bit of gossip, however, and it’ll be coming to you just as soon as we find a way to end this increasingly rambling sentence.
In the world of banter, Arsenal’s status as a feeder club is long established, and the word on the street is that the banter shall continue: Barcelona want Héctor Bellerín to return to the club and replace Dani Alves, who joined Juventus yesterday.
In 2016, no self-respecting Premier League team is complete without a whateverthecollectivenounis of Belgians. And so it is that Chelsea want both Radja Nainggolan and Axel Witsel, although Everton manager Ronald Koeman has had the unwise idea of trying to steal Witsel from under Antonio Conte’s perfumed nose. Koeman also wants to sign Dutch goalkeeper Maarten Stekelenburg from Fulham.
Real Madrid may have activated Alvaro Morata’s buy-back clause from Juventus, but Chelsea are still keen to sign him, safe in the knowledge that their new manager has the will of Keyser Soze.
Swedish geriatrico Zlatan Ibrahimovic will complete his on-on move to Manchester United this week, and form a new MRI strikeforce with Anthony Martial and Marcus Rashford. But Pep Guardiola will trump José Mourinho by signing teenage winger Marlos Moreno from Colombia’s Atlético National, and to hell with any work permit issues.
To Hull, where Steve Bruce, who in his managerial career has bought players from all 196 countries on the planet, is contemplating a £5m offer for Augsburg’s Paraguayan striker Raúl Bobadilla.
Leicester’s famous scouting network, led by former defender Spencer Prior, has highlighted Nice midfielder Nampalys Mendy, and deemed him to be worth £13m. This probably means N’Golo Kante will be slipping through the door marked ‘Seeya!’
Lastly, Santos’ teenage striker Gabriel Barbosa will be playing for Barcelona or Manchester City in a few years’ time. We know this because Arsenal are reportedly considering a bid for him. It’s just banter, let it drift.
