“The next two hours are going to be disturbing, chilling, and terrifying. They are going to be a Technicolor-vivid documentation of total psychological disintegration, and resultant wild demented slashing. Yes, I am watching The Shining again. HERE’S STARCY!” I’m feeling a lot better now Paul Griffin. Time for me to find the coffee in a foreign kitchen, while England stiffen their sinews over lunch. Back shortly.

2nd over: England 5-1 (Crawley 0, Pope 1) I don’t think I can bear to watch Pope – but he escapes the strike immediately with a push into the covers and Crawley sees off the rest of the over and takes England through till lunch -with a bit of time wasting for good measure.

Duckett did briefly – for one ball – look in command as he pinged a Cummins half volley through midwicket for four. But then the needless nibble.

1st over: England 0-0 (Crawley 0, Duckett 0) Starc sprints away from the trees in full green bloom lining one end of the Adelaide Oval – he’s such a wonder in full flight – almost Holdingesque. Crawley ignore the first, nibbles at the fourth and is beaten. A maiden.

84th over: Australia 349-9 (Starc 7, Boland 1) Excellent work by England’s bowlers this morning, who have rushed (almost) through the Australian card in about an hour and a half. Those two wickets spruce up Carse’s figures no end.

83rd over: Australia 344-7 (Cummins 6, Starc 3) Archer giving nothing.

Dear Tanya,
You “still think England can pull it off” (your reply to Andrew Benton, earlier)
What on earth have you seen to support such optimism ?
it seems clear that the Aussies are better in every way.”

Hope, Colum Farrelly, that Bazball will throw us a crumb, just once this series.

82nd over: Australia 340-7 (Cummins 4, Starc 2) Carse returns to take the new ball at the other end. Just a single from it. England have stuck at their task but the lead is an ominous 426.

81st over: Australia 340-7 (Cummins 4, Starc 2) Archer with the new ball. Starc flicks at the second and England plump for a review for a catch down the leg side. Nowhere near.

80th over: Australia 335-7 (Cummins 3, Starc 0) Impressive work from Tongue who has plugged away this morning, producing occasional venom from a friendly figure.

78th over: Australia 332-6 (Inglis 8, Cummins 2) Stokes’s 50th Ashes wicket was a snorter, the ball right into Carey’s rib, fended away in mid-air to the waiting Brook. The lead is 417.

“I’m an American from America. New to cricket. Has England been playing cricket for very long, or are they kind of new to this? They don’t seem very good, tbh.” David Slider, i think you’re being mischievous.

78th over: Australia 328-5 (Carey 72, Inglis 6) Brick upon brick.

“Just finished a burning shift in the bar and making noodles,” writes David Kalucy, “you think England is going to bat for a draw?” I think England are rinsed enough that they may be caught between batting for a draw and frolicking towards the highest chase in Test history.

77th over: Australia 325-5 (Carey 71, Inglis 4) England think they’ve got Inglis – he’s given out lbw on the field – but he reviews and the replay shows an inside edge onto the pad. Predictably snicko doesn’t agree, but the TV pictures are clear enough that it doesn’t matter. Bowler Stokes rocks his head back in disappointment.

76th over: Australia 320-5 (Carey 69, Inglis 2) Tongue is having a decent showing with the ball and has probably booked his ticket for Melbourne and Sydney. He’s big and tricksy and full of attack.

“Wolfish abandon. I quite like the sound of it,” writes Abhishek Chopra.

“England used to have Sibley who was all elephantish calm.”

Elephantine calm is exactly what England could have done with this series.

75th over: Australia 317-5 (Carey 68, Inglis 1) Stokes’ fifth over of the morning. Carey with a twinkle toed boundary through point. The sky is gloriously blue by the way.

73rd over: Australia 309-4 (Head 165, Carey 61) Stokes is testing, varies his length, throws in a slower ball, but to no avail.

“What kind of total do you think Australia will be looking for to out them safe? 500 or more?” I think 500ish Charles Esche, especially with a bit of inclement weather possible tomorrow morning.

72nd over: Australia 304-4 (Head 165, Carey 61) But there goes the pressure valve, as Head flays two four off Carse with wolfish abandon. Thirteen from the over, and the lead creeps towards 400.

71st over: Australia 291-4 (Head 154, Carey 60) Just a couple off Stokes’s over, who is once again leading by example. It must be exhausting.

70th over: Australia 289-4 (Head 153, Carey 59) Head hadn’t looked quite so on it this morning, but now upper cuts with a swagger off Carse to bring a to bring up his 150 off 205 balls.

69th over: Australia 279-4 (Head 144, Carey 58) Another goodly over from the indefatigable Stokes.

The batter who has faced the most balls in this series is not Travis Head but Ben Stokes: 422 balls, 160 runs, 16 fours v Head: 411 balls, 353 runs, 36 fours and eight sixes. A whole different ball game, says Tim de Lisle, whose sofa I have borrowed for the night.

68th over: Australia 276-4 (Head 142, Carey 57) Carse’s first ball is short and wide and thumped to the boundary by Carey. A diving catch by Smith saves any further blushes and that’s all Australia can milk from the over.

“Do you think that England just haven’t got what it takes,” asks Andrew Benton, “or is it that they haven’t got it together? Is there a brilliant, Aussie-whipping, team hiding in there somewhere? Hocus-pocus, batters and bowlers, please focus!”

I still think they could pull it off. But if they’re going to, today is the day. Some good news for England – there is some rain due tomorrow.

The highest Test match chase is 418 says Steven Finn, and after that point it becomes an uphill task.

The good news is that Ben Stokes is in a maroon vest, his mullet on point and is bowling in the nets.

A post-mortem email. Too soon, Matthew Lawrenson, too soon.

“If England lose this series, as it looks as though they will, and badly (ditto) - what will happen afterwards? The usual routine is appointing a committee who recommends reorganising County Cricket to benefit the England team. As the current regime has pretty much ignored County Cricket, what do you think they would think of next?”

Surely they can’t reorganise county cricket again. They’ve only just found some kind of settlement after the Strauss report. But maybe they might start paying attention to Championship performances. Or stretch it over a full summer again.

Should England need inspiration, they need look no further than the Big Bash, where Brisbane Heat have chased down the greatest BBL run chase at the Gabba.

Just watching Travis Head on the highlights, bristling through his moustache to 142 not out. Carey starts the day unbeaten on 52. Geoff might be enjoying Bazball’s demise below.

Hello – from a Christmassy London, fleet-footed from the sports desk Christmas drinks,

It’s important at this point to say that England still have a chance to win the Ashes. Important because it might be the last time anyone can say that for the rest of the series. And the next two years.

The current Australian lead is 356. But England’s highest successful run-chase is 378 – against India at Edgbaston in 2022 at the height of Bazball- and as recently as this summer they galloped to 373 against India at Headingley.

They know how to do it. The muscle memory is there.

But Starc.

But Cummins.

But Lyon.

Hope springs eternal.