“Morning/evening Rob, from a sunny Melbourne Zoo,” writes OBO royalty Guy Hornsby. “I was at the G for yesterday’s chaos, a perfect example of England hope dashed by its own frailty. Despite all the afternoon gloom, it was a stirring day, ticking off a bucket list experience in the cauldron of cricket with my brother and daughter, and a host of English and local nerds. That’s what it’s all about after all, eh?

“What a time to be an England bowler, though. Putting the shifts in, only to be slowly broken by our batters’ profligacy. I’m not sure this pitch will be remembered fondly, whatever the result (who am I kidding!). It’s not an even contest between bat and ball, whatever your metric, which is a huge shame.”

Lunchtime reading

24th over: Australia 92-6 (Smith 16, Green 0) Amid the clatter of wickets, this is an important knock for Cameron Green. He’s averaging 19 with the bat in this series and has found some weird and wonderful ways to get out.

For now it’s Steve Smith’s who’s on strike to Josh Tongue. He survives an LBW appeal (too high), nails a majestic on-drive for four and is beaten by a cracking delivery.

23rd over: Australia 88-6 (Smith 12, Green 0) Australia’s lead is now 130 runs.

22nd over: Australia 87-5 (Smith 11, Carey 4) Alex Carey walks to the crese with around 15 minutes to play until lunch. He gets off the mark in typically crisp style, punching a drive through mid-off for four.

“I’m going to get my Happy New Year to you in now, since I doubt this Test match is going to get much closer to the end of 2025,” writes Paul Cockburn. “In all the years you’ve been watching this stuff, has there ever been such a gulf between what was hoped for in this Ashes series, and what transpired? Even if England drag a win out of this or the next, the Ashes were still gone in just 11 days. And, let’s face it, Australia are going to put up just enough runs this time out for England to be done yet again.”

In my cricket-watching lifetime, the only series that comes close is 1989. But this has been the most dispiriting Ashes series I can recall.

21st over: Australia 82-4 (Smith 11, Khawaja 0) That was the last ball of the over, Carse’s first after replacing Ben Stokes.

20th over: Australia 79-3 (Head 46, Smith 8) Head scrunches a very full delivery from Tongue through the covers for three more. He’s looking hella dangerous now; in fact Australia already lead by more (121) than England scored in the first innings (110).

“I love the idea that for the sake of this becoming a contest, England could have the best batting conditions of the match in their second innings,” writes Paul Billington. “But what if, all of a sudden, they start batting like complete berks? I’m concerned that, in the words of Blur, it really really really could happen.”

When days four and five seem to fall through you/Well just let them go.

19th over: Australia 73-3 (Head 43, Smith 5) Wowsers. Head gets down on one knee to larrup Stokes over mid-off for four. He could be on course to equal Michael Slater’s Ashes record of three second-innings centuries in the 1998-99 series.

“G’day Rob,” writes Sarah Bacon. “Accustomed as I am to random gambling and/or investment ads during the cricket, I was somewhat flummoxed by a service called lovehoney. What the ....?!!!”

What’s wrong with celebrating a popular sweet and viscous substance made by several species of bees?

18th over: Australia 68-3 (Head 38, Smith 5) Steve Smith, who has had problems of his own against Tongue, drives his first ball assertively through the covers for three. That’s a nice statement of intent.

Marnus Labuschagne v Josh Tongue in this series

• 26 balls

• 7 runs

• 3 wickets

• 2.33 average

England think Labuschagne has been caught at slip – but it’s gone to the third umpire and you know what that usually means.

17th over: Australia 61-2 (Head 37, Labuschagne 8) With England probably down to three seamers, Australia don’t need to force the pace too much. Three low-risk singles from Stokes’ latest over take the lead to 103.

16th over: Australia 57-2 (Head 34, Labuschagne 7) Labuschagne looks okay after those two blows on the hand. He’s trying to leave Tongue as often as possible; the result, in this case, is a maiden over.

15th over: Australia 57-2 (Head 34, Labuschagne 7) Head edges a frustrated Stokes through the slips for four. He didn’t pretty well to soften his hands and ensure the edge fell short of the fielders; the four runs were a bonus.

Drinks After an eventful first hour, Australia lead by 93. England have confirmed that Gus Atkinson is being assessed for hamstring soreness.

13th over: Australia 48-2 (Head 26, Labuschagne 7) Labuschagne screams with pain after Stokes hits him on the glove for the second time in three balls. That sounded phenomenally painful. Labuschagne dusts himself down and then thick edges his first boundary all along the floor.

This pitch is not good.

Gus Atkinson is off the field receiving treatment. If he has pulled his hamstring you’d imagine his series is over.

12th over: Australia 42-2 (Head 26, Labuschagne 1) Labuschagne works Tongue off the hip for a single to get off the mark. A quiet over.

11th over: Australia 40-2 (Head 25, Labuschagne 0) Weatherald now has 146 runs at 21 in his debut series. Batting hasn’t been easy at times, and he did spank an initiative-seizing 72 at the Gabba, so we should probably cut him a bit of slack.

“If he had been brought on earlier, Tongue could have had Boland as both the second and third victims in a hat-trick,” writes Andrew Goudie. “Has that ever happened before?”

Not in a Test match. I don’t know about first-class cricket but it’s very rare for the last man out to be the first man in next time round, so it wouldn’t be a surprise if it had never happened in first-class cricket.

10th over: Australia 39-1 (Head 24, Weatherald 5) Tongue’s hat-trick ball is full, straight … and clipped confidently through midwicket for three by Weatherald. Head plays a false stroke later in the over, inside-edging between his legs for a single.

Tongue would love to break this partnership and get stuck into Labuschagne and Smith, two players he has troubled in his short Ashes career.

“Robert Wilson referencing Ballymena Academy brings back bad memories of my Shane Warne-inspired leg breaks being dispatched to the boundary when playing for Downpatrick thirds,” says Patrick Peake. “Niche Northern Irish cricket discussion.”

As longtime sufferers readers will know, this is the place for a niche Northern Irish cricket discussion.

9th over: Australia 35-1 (Head 23, Weatherald 2) An interesting tactic from Atkinson, who bowls a very wide, 61mph slower ball to Head. Not that Head cares: he carts it cheerily over mid-off for a couple.

Now then: Josh Tongue, who is on a hat-trick, is about to come into the attack.

8th over: Australia 32-1 (Head 21, Weatherald 1) Head almost chops on for the second time in the match, this time off the bowling of Carse. But Mother Cricket is his friend today and the ball flashes past the stumps for a couple of runs. Head is looking dangerous – when doesn’t he – and moves to 21 from 24 balls with a scything back cut for four.

Carse had started well but that was a poor over, 10 from it. Australia lead by 74.

“Greetings Rob from Chicago!” writes JH. “If you knew nothing else about this Test but found out that Scott Boland and Travis Head were batting at the start on day two, what would you guess the score would have been?”

Off the top of my, erm, head, Australia 400 for 9 (Head 245*).

7th over: Australia 22-1 (Head 12, Weatherald 0) The new batter Jake Weatherald leaves his first three deliveries, prompting Atkinson to move around the wicket. The chance almost reaps an instant reward when Weatherald is beaten by a jaffa. Batting still looks extremely tough when the bowlers get it in the right areas.

6th over: Australia 22-0 (Boland 6, Head 12) Carse, who has good rhythm this morning, bowls an excellent maiden to Head. He beats the outside edge, then goes up for LBW after nipping one back off the seam. Too high, probably an inside edge too.

5th over: Australia 22-0 (Boland 6, Head 12) A rank bad ball from Atkinson is larruped for four by Head, who follows that with a drive through mid-off for two. Those runs take him to 400 for the series; nobody else on either side has made 300.

After Head pulls lustily over midwicket for three, Boland drives confidently through mid-off for a couple more. Eleven from the over; Australia lead by 64.

“Dear Rob,” writes Andrew Benton. “I saw this and wondered if you’re a light-box user. And then thought, naa, he’s following the Ashes instead. Much better for the spirit!”

Haaa. I left Orkney in 2022, alas, though the place – and the people – will always have a place in my heart.

4th over: Australia 11-0 (Boland 4, Head 3) Carse gets some extravagant movement to the right-handed Boland in his second over of the day. Boland misses a couple of deliveries, then almost pops a return catch. The early signs are that the heavy roller hasn’t taken any life out of his pitch.

3rd over: Australia 11-0 (Boland 4, Head 3) Atkinson’s fourth ball is fractionally too full, allowing Head to time two runs down the ground. The rest of the over is on the money and Head defends accordingly; he has 3 from 10 balls.

Even at Perth, when he yahooed that astonishing 69-ball century, Head took a little while to get his eye in.

2nd over: Australia 9-0 (Boland 4, Head 1) A minor surprise to start the day: Brydon Carse takes the new ball once again. He has struggled early on in this series and many people expected Josh Tongue to be promoted to new-ball duty.

Head does well to repel a nasty short ball before flicking the first run of the day to long leg. Australia get four bonus runs when a poor ball from Carse deflects away off Boland’s thigh pad. England can’t afford a false start with the ball.

“Greetings from chilly Lübeck,” begins Sairam, “where the mercury level dropped below zero during the day for the second time this week but not enough to douse my spirits to follow proceedings of the Boxing Day Test.

“As a supporter of neither team but a keen follower of Test cricket, I can’t help but wonder how many teams have either makeshift No3 like South Africa with Mulder, India and Pakistan with a revolving door of players, or inexperienced players like Jacob Bethell. This is a far cry from even a decade ago when almost every top side had a stalwart at first drop. Do you think that this is due to top teams deploying the wobble seam more regularly or is it due to the advent of T20 franchise tournaments luring the next gen of players?”

That question deserves a four-page feature rather than a stream-of-consciousness answer. The stats support your hypothesis: in the 2020s, No3s average just under 35 in Tests, as compared to 40 in the 2010s and 43 in the 2000s.

Travis Head walks out to bat with his opening partner Scott Boland. Imagine if you had predicted, on the first morning at Perth, that Australia would use four openers in the first four Tests – and that Usman Khawaja would not be among them.

“Dear Rob,” writes Robert Wilson. “I’ve got skin in the game as I am trying to arrange an all-night viewing sesh for day (night) three in an unexpectedly swish Aussie backpacker hostel near Stalingrad (in Paris). Logistically, it’s quite a lot of ducks to get in a row and punters fagging all the way in from below-zero Versailles or somesuch only to catch four overs while nursing a lukewarm Newky Brown might have views.

“But seeing the highlights, I didn’t feel the pitch was as mega-jalapeno as some claimed. Yesterday’s turnstile innings seemed a perfect mix of often tack-sharp bowling, tasty pitch and Ballymena Academy Third Eleven batting (I watched the Duckett dismissal frame-by-frame and I still don’t even understand).

“I’m hoping it will settle down and I need you to agree. Tell me we’ll get at least three hours tomorrow. These ****ers will roast me sinon.”

Jo’burg 1999 it was not.

“Hi,” writes Ruth Purdue. “I don’t know if this was sent yesterday but I found it fascinating.”

“Yesterday was the like the first round of Hagler v Hearns from 1985,” writes Simon McMahon. “Both came out swinging and landing heavy blows, but already the outcome feels inevitable, it just being a matter of when the knockout punch will be delivered. Like in Nevada, early in round/day three seems likely...”

So much depends on the pitch. England could have the best batting conditions of the match in their second innings.

Twenty wickets fell at the MCG yesterday, the most on the first day of an Ashes Test since 1909. The great and the good were not impressed.

“G’day Rob,” writes Chris Paraskevas. “Merry Xmas to you and the OBOers - hope you’re well! I’m looking for a quick pick-me-up in the morning session, as I’ve been dealing with heart palpatations that are more pronounced than usual (it has nothing to do with my festive diet and everything to do with the Newcastle performance overnight).

“My daily routine at stumps during these Ashes has been to immerse myself English opinions on Bazball/Noosa booze-ups. I’ve been enjoying Steve Harmison’s views, which are generally pretty sensible, while James Anderson’s almost complete disinterest/emotional detachment is also refreshing.

“For what it’s worth, I think the ‘investigations’ into the Duckett / Bethell bender are way over the top:

• It’s Australia.

• It’s hot.

• It’s XMAS.

“The batters can barely find off stump, let alone their hotel rooms. Let the boys have a bloody drink!”

Are we still talking about the England players here?

Guess who just got back today? Those wild-eyed boys that had been away. This was a day of brittle, over-caffeinated cricket, on an MCG pitch streaked with faint green ridges. But it was also a day when the boys were, however briefly, back in town.

Ben Duckett and Jacob Bethell have been the two protagonists in the grainy, Zapruder-style footage from England’s six-day, mid-series jig-about by the sea. True to apparent recent form, both were here for a good time not a long time as England were bowled out for 110 in 29.5 overs. Both batted like men groping for the light switch in the dark against a new ball that seamed the width of the bat at times.

For a while, Boxing Day 2025 felt like a re-enactment of Boxing Day 2010. We’re talking an amateur historical re-enactment, given the lower intensity and higher number of participants with private lives under investigation, but still, the broad shape of the thing was much the same. You had England choosing to bowl on a cloudy morning and finishing off the hosts in time for an early tea. The original instance lasted 42.5 overs, this repeat lasted 45.2, only 15 deliveries between them.

Yet this year’s edition felt different for more reasons than just a higher scoring rate that yielded 152 all out versus 98 all out last time around. In 2010, England owned the day, a Jimmy Anderson swing masterclass ripping out a paralysed middle order, Chris Tremlett lopping off top and tail like a légumier preparing string beans. The rehash was a less complete bowling effort that drew a strangely faltering batting response: chop-ons and leg-side nicks and run outs, occasionally the bowling team via Josh Tongue remembering to pitch the ball up before rocketing through someone’s defences.

A record 94,199 spectators turned up to the MCG on Boxing Day and none will forget what they witnessed. An extraordinary 20 wickets fell on a pitch offering lavish movement and it left Cricket Australia fearing a second multimillion-dollar loss in this Ashes series.

The first of these came in Perth, when a two-day bunfight triggered mass refunds and had visiting fans scrambling to book sightseeing trips. This fourth Test always had the ingredients for a repeat, not just a surface with 10mm of grass but also a touring side in England who, having lost the Ashes and with criticism flying, looked broken before the coin even went up.

It actually landed in their favour here, Ben Stokes calling correctly, inserting his opponents without hesitation, and watching Josh Tongue skittle Australia for 152 before tea. Tongue was full value for his figures of five for 45, with his natural angle in, fuller length, and wobble seam asking more questions than one of the University Challenge Christmas specials.

However, for all the echoes of England’s famous Boxing Day performance here in 2010, there was also a nagging sense that, this time, it was signposting an ordeal for the batters. That ordeal ultimately came to pass in a crazed final session when England fell to 16 for four inside eight overs and, courtesy of Michael Neser’s four for 45, ended up 110 all out in 29.5.