I can’t believe how poor Chelsea were tonight – if they were my team I’d be cursing football for having been invented and humanity for not refusing to evolve. A semi-final second leg that’s an away derby, and they couldn’t even send in a decent cross, never mind create a proper chance. They seemed clueless as to how they might create, all the edge of a velvet circle and an absolute piece of nonsense.

Over the two leg and, as Arsene Wenger would say, footballistically speaking, this wasn’t close, though Chelsea were in the tie until the end. Arsenal were much better at Stamford Bridge, comfortable tonight, and remain in all four competitions they entered.

90+7 min I don’t think Chelsea have even got down the side or to the line in the 97 minutes we’ve seen. The ball goes out, Gabriel noises up the crowd, and this is over.

90+6 min Chelsea find Garnacho but, without a trick to beat a man who can match him for pace, he passes inside, giving it away. Arsenal – and we – are almost there.

90+4 min There’s no sense that Chelsea have practised breaking down a low block. They’ve played without wit, bravery, belief, devil, joy, cohesion, invention, imagination, conviction, urgency, and a million other words I’d use if I wasn’t duty-bound to tell you they’ve lumped a couple of balls into the box only to be crowded out.

90+3 min Fofana and Acheampong are up front, but can Chelsea find decent delivery? I think we all know the answer to that little teaser.

90+2 min Sanchez meets a backpass and lashes it … into touch. Arsenal will disappear a minute or so over that.

90 min Fernandez lamps another shot over the bar; we’ll have six additional minutes. Together, we can get through them.

89 min “And to think I could have been shovelling snow all this time,” says Joe Pearson. “Missed opportunity!”

I can’t remember the last time I watched semi-final so devoid of intensity. Chelsea have been so wet.

88 min His impact is instant: Chelsea win a free-kick miles out, Fernandez floats aimlessly into the box, and Fofana bumps behind.

87 min Another change for Chelsea, Acheampong replacing Gusto. That should sort it.

86 min Estevao crosses into the box, Joao Pedro can only head back out of it. They’ve been so disappointing in attack it’s like Maresca never left.

84 min Eze picks up possession ands feeds it one more to Martinelli, and he’s in! No he isn’t! Chalobah slides in makes a fine challenge from behind, then for kicks brings his other leg through to make sure the Arsenal man eats turf. There’s minor shoving, but VAR is happy, saying the contract after the challenge was natural, when anyone who’s played football at any level surely knows it was deliberate.

83 min I’d love to know what Jorge Valdano thinks of this game. Perhaps the same as he thought of Liverpool v Chelsea in 2005, just without the stick.

82 min Fernandez again goes flat to the near post and Fofana attacks it on the leap, extending a foot and guiding a shot wide.

81 min …then Palmer directs the free-kick into it, and Chelsea do well to force a corner in the repechage that follows. Chalobah’s shot heading wide but hitting Martinelli on its way.

80 min … and they’re still arguing over the wall…

79 min Now Chelsea win a free-kick, this one just outside the D, fractionally left of centre. By the standards of what we’ve seen so far tonight, this is a gilt-edged opportunity…

77 min Chelsea concede a free-kick 35 yards out and Eze, who is, it appears, playing, is behind it, but then Rice pulls rank and knocks the ball wide, Trossard’s cross is cleared, and Arsenal go again, Rice appearing on the left of the box and finding Zubimendi down the line. the cross is a beauty, picking out Gabriel on the burst at the far post, and he heads hard … this looks like the match … but it’s directly into Cucurella’s phizog! I’m not sure how much he knew about the block, but he did adjust position well, so deserves the credit.

75 min Chelsea send on Garnacho for Andrey Santos, and he goes to the left, with Palmer now in behind. Really, Garnacho is a big-space player and he’s not getting that here, but he has so much, er, megalopsychia that, warranted or not, he’s always a danger.

73 min Santos trips Zubimendi off the ball, back garden-style, and the ref calls the captains together, but there’s a disappointing lack of aggro.

72 min Palmer slides through midfield, but Joao Pedro takes possession, unaware that Estevao is in space on the diagonal behind him, and is quickly blocked off. Arsenal have been collectively poor tonight, but are so defensively well-drilled that they’ve given up not a single clear-cut chance.

70 min Fofana saves a corner but concedes a throw near the flag; again, Arsenal go backwards, but when Chelsea look to construct something, Timber turns one way then t’other, escaping Estevao, who hauls him back and is booked.

69 min Now two changes for Arsenal, Havertz for Gyokeres and Trossard for Madueke, two Arteta favourites sent on to try and confirm the win.

68 min Chelsea set Gusto away down the right, he nicks it by Hincapie then tumbles over the defender’s planted foot and is correctly cautioned for diving.

68 min A rare Arsenal attack, Hincapie crossing and Sanchez claiming.

67 min Caicedo lofts over the top, Gabriel puts a hand on Joao Pedro’s shoulder and, knowing he’s not getting the ball, goes down; the ref doesn’t want to know.

65 min Chelsea have upped it, Esetevao pulling wide then laying back to Fernandez, who also tries a curler, the ball disappearing over the bar once more.

64 min But the delivery is poor and into the ground, the clearance reaching Cucurella, whose shot is like his barnet: curling, over the top, and generally suboptimal.

63 min A decent pass between the lines, I think from Chalobah, picks out Gusto, who wins a corner off Hincapie. Fernandez comes over to take it, the box loaded.

61 min Since Rosenior took over at Chelsea, no side in Europe has more goal involvement from subs. I’ve not watched all these games, but from what I have seen, it’s been more a case of correcting errors than inspired changes.

60 min Gusto hurts himself so takes treatment, then Chelsea make their change, Estevao and Palmer replacing Hato and Delap, which means a change to 4-2-3-1, Estevao on the left, Palrmer the right and Fernandez in behind.

58 min “There’s a flaw in Karl Tulnius’s point about megalopsychia,” reckons Colum Farrelly, “as shown by the England cricket team which shows iron self-belief and exudes such confidence that others … just laugh at them, really. You needed to … demonstrate ability.”

57 min Estevao and Palmer are stripped. The longer this remains goalless, the more nervous Arsenal – and the home crowd – will get.

56 min Madueke skirts around the outside of Delap, who kicks him over and is booked.

54 min “Continuing the theme (and distracting from the poor football), a friend of mine was in the central nightclub The End in the 90s,” begins Matthew Davis. “He ran into a guy with bleached blond hair and leather get up and said ‘Are you trying to look like that **** Mr C? To which, to his eternal credit, he replied ‘I am that **** Mr C’.”

Yes, I’m afraid I know too well what and where The End is, but Mr C is a legend of the game. I saw him quite recently at a party he organised in an office, replacing bogroll. He’s refined, he’s fine, he makes you feel fine and all that.

52 min Delap ragdolls Hicapie, tossing him aside and escaping unpunished, so the Arsenal man charges after someone, anyone, seeking revenge, eventually fouling Joao Pedro; Arteta is booked, I think for complaining but it might be for his little trousers.

52 min The ball is clumped backwards and forwards; both Estevao and Palmer warm up like their introduction is imminent.

50 min For a second, it looks like Gyokeres is away, gambolling down the left, then Chalobah comes across and humps clear.

47 min Chelsea win a corner, Fernandez swings it in and everyone, Kepa included, misses it, the ball bobbling behind. There’s a quick VAR check – seriously, it’s quick, I promise – to see if Saliba fouled Joao Pedro, but he did not.

46 min “For all their lack of inventiveness,” says Henry, “Arsenal have scored more goals this season than both Liverpool and City, having played the same number of games in the same competitions, so it’s a bit overblown (though I agree it often seems cautious).”

They’ve scored fewer in the league than City, though, but I’m talking about individuals able to override match circumstances, and attacking combinations that are too quick and precise to defend. I don’t think it’s controversial to say Arsenal are behind both teams in that aspect, but have a more solid platform behind them, which helps with attacking freedom.

46 min We go again…

Back come our teams. It feels impossible for the second half not to be an improvement.

Estevao and Palmer are on the pitch kicking about. I don’t imagine Rosenior will leave it too long before introducing both.

“As that last half was basement-level stuff and not very elevating,” returns Justin Kavanagh, “let me regale you with my story of meeting the sanguish man in a lift in DC many moons ago. I was headed to a meeting, head down getting my papers in order, when in stepped two men. One of them had an unmistakable voice I couldn’t quite place, but then I twigged it. ‘That’s the best Sean Connery impersonat…’ I blurted out foolishly, before stopping myself… because, of course, it was the suave Scot himself. Okay! Carry on…pleashe continue…”

A mate of mine went to the kluhrb in New York and found himself at afterparty in an apartment with mody gold discs on its walls. “You must really love Moby,” he said to his host. I imagine you can guess the rest.

Half-time email: “The discussion of tachles reminds of another concept that has exemplified some of the best sides and managers in football,” writes Kári Tulinius. “Aristotle considered the most important virtue to be ‘megalopsychia’, which could be glossed as ‘being great and knowing that you are’. The best teams have so much iron self-belief, that they never think they’re beaten, and exude such confidence that their opponents start doubting themselves. Anyway, I spent a winter beating my head against the knotty prose of Aristotelian ethics and in comparison to that this match is mind-numbing.”

I’ve always found Hegel and Kant the hardest to unravel; by contrast, this match is relatively simple, two teams fearful of losing in their desperation to win. Arsenal do try to affect Aristotelian virtue, but they don’t really believe it yet.

Half-time reading:

45+1 min I didn’t see Arsenal at the weekend, but the one before, against United, their counter-pressing, especially in the first 20 minutes, was excellent. I don’t know if they’re more nervous tonight, given the lead they hold, but they’re sitting off in a way they don’t usually. I’d not be surprised if Arteta shares with them some sentiments and feelings at half-time.

45 min Arsenal go again with another ball over the top, Eze leaping with foot extended but unable to get a touch. We’ll have one additional minute.

45 min This is up there, or down there, with the worst halves I’ve seen this season – and on a weekly basis, I watched Ruben Amorim’s Man United.

43 min Fofana wins it high, feeds infield to Fernandez, who opens his body to try a curler … and Kepa fists clear.

41 min On which point, Arteta is often criticised for his safety-first tactics, but the problem as much as anything is a lack of quality – Saka is his only attacker of elite level, and really you’d want him to be the third-best in your forward-line, not the best by far. Anyhow, Chelsea win a corner, easily cleared.

38 min It’s amazing how much money has been spent on this Chelsea squad, for it to be so lacking in forward areas. They’ve some good players, obviously, but not enough of undefendable brilliance – likewise Arsenal. Compare them to Liverpool and the Manchester clubs who, for all their ills, and there are many, are much more enterprising and inventive in attack.

36 min “Tough watch this,” reckons Stephen Carr. “I wouldn’t be surprised if Arteta has had them watching classic Mourinho compilation DVDs all week.”

I seem to recall a League Cup semi second leg, at Old Trafford in 2005, won by Chelsea following some choreographed pushing from a corner…

34 min Rice wins a throw deep inside the Chelsea half … and it goes backwards. Arsenal seem nervous, but as I type, a long pass over the top from Gabriel, swatted beautifully to meet the out-to-in run of Martinelli, who gets away from Gusto as he enters the box, then spins when caught up to swivel into a shot … which the defender does well to block. But that was better from Arsenal and almost immediately afterwards, Gyokeres bursts into the box from the left, then shoots into the nearest available pair of shins. Suddenly, he’s bossing it.

32 min We see a graphic advising us Gyokeres has had one touch so far. He perhaps needs to decide what he’s going to do: come deep to get on the ball, or constantly threaten in behind, because at the moment he doesn’t seem to be doing either.

30 min Delap down the line for Gusto, whose lowish cross is cleared. Half an hour gone, and we’ve seen one serious save – Sanchez’s from Hincapie – and even that wasn’t especially difficult.

29 min I guess, on the other had, Arsenal have a good defence fortified by Rice and Zubimendi in front, so don’t mind a bit of back-foot play, even if it’s not how Arteta wants them to go about things.

28 min There’s not much in this so far but Arsenal have been tepid with Chelsea looking marginally likelier.

27 min Fernandez delivers flat, the ball’s headed back to him so he goes again, and this time it’s headed away to Chalobah, who butchers a shot somewhere towards Blackstock Road.

26 min Rice gives it away to Santos, looking to play out from the back, but Santos, who intercepts, can’t find a perceptive pass, so Chelsea slow it down, then Delap’s cross is deflected behind and Fernandez goes over to take the corner.

23 min Joao Pedro is doing well pining Saliba, most recently beating him to a ball when second-favourite and winning a free-kick. He’s maturing into a fine all-round centre-forward – he already looks a way better player than he did last season, putting himself about with greater aggression, conviction and intent.

21 min Arsenal have appeared into the game, Kepa finding Martinelli with a long pass, but his cut-back misses everyone.

20 min “I can’t help with the concept of ‘tachlis’,” says Andy Gordon, “but ‘shanguish’ is what Sean Connery has at lunchtime.”

20 min …and this time it’s cleared properly at the first attempt, so Arsenal build again.

18 min This time, the corner half-cleared then, out of naewhere, Hincapie flings himself into a shot from 25, Sanchez flying to high right to parry but without getting the ball around the post … and Gabriel is lurking! But the ball comes to o quickly, he can’t rearrange his feet, and the chance evaporates … but shortly afterwards, Arsenal win a free-kick which Rice will swerve in…

17 min Still, though, Madueke’s delivery is decent and Hincapie is up, his header hitting Fofana’s arm, raised for leverage as he jumps, and going behind for another corner.

16 min For the first time, Arsenal set Madueke at Cucurella, who looks beaten but bites back to concede a corner. As Enzo Maresca did, Rosenior sends three players forward, to limit bodies in the box.

15 min Arsenal have barely had a touch in the Chelsea half and as soon as they get Martinelli on the ball, Caicedo crunches in to a challenge, then the flag goes up for offside.

13 min Delap would frustrate the life out of me if I played for – a reach, granted – or supported his team. You’re trying to build pressure, then he gives away an attention-seeking foul and it’s gone – as he’s just done with Hincapie.

12 min It’s been a slow start, a state of affairs that won’t displease either manager.

11 min Joan Pedro is playing up close to Saliba, generally speaking more Delap behaviour. my guess is that Rosenior is hoping to use the latter’s pace and ball-carrying where there’s space, in a way not dissimilar to how Gyokeres played in Portugal.

9 min “Is the Chelsea-Arsenal rivalry really at the ’despise’ level?” wonders Julian Menz. “Maybe, but I spent years living up North (admittedly Muswell Hill is a bit of a Spurs/Arsenal watershed) and never had any problems with Gooners. I even went to the odd game at Highbury, followed by a pint down the Blackstock Road.”

My experience of living in London is that it is, and the aforementioned Mourinho certainly did all he could to amp it up.

8 min Nice touch from Eze, turning adroitly back to Zubimendi, and Arsenal build down the left, then move the ball back inside. I’d really like to see more risk in their passing – and more combination play between their front players – but in the circumstances, understand they they play backwards, even if they probably shouldn’t.

7 min Oooh, we see footage of Timber stiff-arming Cucurella in the coupon. He’s done well to get away with that – in different circumstances, he’d have been booked. Anyroad, Chelsea cross from the right, Saliba takes a heavy touch, and Delap, seizing on to the loose ball, thrashes wide of the near post.

5 min “Here in Ecuador,” flosses Matthew Carpenter-Arevalo, “this game is a big deal: two players, Moises Caicedo and Piero Hincapie, both from the same academy, are facing each other. Both come from two very economically challenged parts of the country, and when they play against each other, millions of kids feel slightly differently about their prospects and potential.”

Lovely stuff.

4 min It’s absolutely caning down with rain, by the way – though not enough to become amusing, at least not yet. Otherwise, it’s Chelsea with the ball, but so far we’ve seen nothing approximating to action.

2 min Chelsea seem to be playing a 5-2-3, with Pedro in the centre of the attack, Fernandez on the left and Delap on the right. I guess the defenders will have to jump into midfield, but otherwise, the plan is to cede possession, while keeping numbers at the back and up front.

1min “You’re right that all goals are created equal, Daniel,” says Justin Kavanagh. “However, as Chelsea will discover should they score first tonight, some goals are created more equalising than others.”

We hold these truths to be self-evident…

1 min Away we go!

The Arsenal players huddle, and North London Forever comes over the PA. The watching public duly convulse in collective cringe, blood fizzy and teeth itching.

The lights go down, then up, and our teams emerge.

“Lo, these many years, I have thought that I was here due to an over-celebration by my parents the night of QE II’s coronation,” writes David C Hunter. “I know, so patriotic of them. But now you are telling us it is because of concreteness.”

Must. Not. Make. A Double. Entendre. Fnarr fnarr.

Other Arsenal news:

Arteta likes pace on both wings, one reason, I imagine, why we see rarely see Eze play there – the form of Trossard and Martinelli is another. I don’t think the midfield role is right for him at Arsenal – he’s a free spirit who’ll inevitably make mistakes as he looks to perform magic, so shuttling back and forth doesn’t really suit him. But this is a big night for him, because a good performance and perhaps he keeps his place for the weekend; if he doesn’t, he’ll almost certainly be back on the bench. Ultimately, Arteta prefers predictability to artistry and Eze’s numbers have never been compelling, so the lack of apparent synergy between them isn’t especially surprising.

I’m really interested to see how Joao Pedro and Delap do tonight. The former is in fine form and can, I think, develop into an elite strike if he adds a bit of intensity and mongrel to his game. Delap, on the other hand, could do with losing a bit – he wastes far too much time and cedes far too many free-kicks, at least as far as the eye test tells me initiating contact trying to show fans how hard and committed he is. The best centre-forwards look to pin defenders sometimes, but mainly try and avoid them.

“Can I make the somewhat talmudic point that in fact the talmudic concept is to be written and pronounced takhlit (תכלית),” begins Yonatan Ginzburg, “whereas the yiddisher takhles means ‘concreteness’ i.e. what Cristiano Ronaldo lacked in his early Man Utd days and in later days is nothing more than? But scholars have observed that the yiddisher pronunciation of takhlit is accepted in certain areas of the diaspora...”

This is why we’re all here!

“Gyökeres might, indeed, find space behind the wing-backs,” agrees Charles Antaki. “There is an infinity of things he might do, and if you were to rank them in order of probability (a futile exercise, though, if they are genuinely infinite) I’m not sure where that would come. I don’t want to betray my feelings about the fellow, but I would guess that what might come higher is galumphing about, usually to no great purpose, and bearing a perpetually bewildered expression when the camera catches him after a particularly egregious bit of nonsense. Anyway, good luck to him and may he score a hatful tonight.”

It was a strange purchase, wasn’t it? Unlikely to improve enough to be good enough and even less likely to find the Premier League as amenable to his strengths as the Primeira Liga. I guess if we look at him as another option, rather than a guaranteed first pick, it makes a little more sense, but in that circumstance, why not try and get Sesko?

Not, I’m afraid, as gratifying as the return of baggy trousers, but the 90s revival now in fashion continues here with Merse and jamie Redknapp in the studio. They played against each other in the 1998 League Cup semi, both scoring as Boro went to Wembley, where they lost to Chelsea.

Chelsea, meanwhile, are looking to bottle up the centre of the pitch – just as Manchester United did when they visited the Emirates. Offensively, they’ll try and get the ball into Delap and play off him, with Joao Pedro probably just off him, likewise Enzo Fernandez, both roaming and daring defenders to follow them. Otherwise, though, I don’t imagine they’d mind 0-0 with 20 to go, so will look to be solid, absorb pressure and take whatever comes their way, rather than push the pace from the outset.

So where is the game? Arsenal will look to get at Chelsea in wide areas with Madueke likely to be important. I’d probably have played White, with Timber on the left, now that you don’t ask, to increase the threat, and I’ve been enjoying Martinelli off the bench this season, but he starts ahead of Troassard. Otherwise, look for Eze to slide passes down the sides of the outside centre-backs for Gyokeres, who might find space behind the wing-backs, while I’d also expect rampaging third-man runs from Rice.

Email! “Can the mythical force of ‘tachlis’ be likened to what Mourinho brought to Chelsea two decades ago?” wonders Julian Menz. “Or is it closer to the (forget the word, sorry) spirit that surges through the Pakistan cricket team on occasions?”

The former – Mourinho is pure tachlis, no messing about with feelings and maybe. Haal, as experienced by Pakistan, is more like a flow, or being in the zone; the closest tachlis-type word I can come up with is kavanah, which means a kind of intense intentionality, to the exclusion of all else.

Arteta says Arsenal are going to go for it – the aim is to go and win the game from the first minute, as they do in every game. He doesn’t think Saka is too badly hurt but will know more tomorrow, and also hopes Odegaard will be ready for the weekend.

Eze, he says, has earned the start, and Arsenal have prepared to face a three and four at the back, knowing Rosenior has used both formations in his career.

The 3-5-2 makes some sense, I guess. It allows three centre-backs to head set-pieces away, while Gabriel and Saliba don’t often face twin centre-forwards – though it may also be the case that Joao OPedro roams.

Rosenior is happy with the spirit and intensity his players have shown and says he knows that they can play well enough to go through. When they’re at their best, they’re very very difficult to play against, but need almost the perfect night, set-pieces ad tactically, in order to go through.

Asked about a formation that looks like a 3-5-2, he says he’d be crazy to confirm the tactics in advance but adds that Reece James failed a fitness test, while he’s managing Cole Palmer’s minutes and Estevao has returned from Brazil but isn’t fit enough to start.

Otherwise, the subs will be crucial, so who Chelsea have in reserve to finish the game is almost more important that the XI that starts.

Back to the teams, and it transpires that, as rumoured, Arsenal must do without Bukayo Saka and Martin Odegaard; Noni Madueke and Eberechi Eze, who replaced them at Leeds, keep their places. Otherwise, Victor Gyokeres continues up front, in preference to Kai Havertz and Gabriel Jesus.

Housekeeping: the away goal rule doesn’t operate – good, why should the basic truism that all goals are equal be compromised – so if we’re level on aggregate at full-time, we’ll move to extra time, with penalties to follow, if required.