The Mill used to have this lawnmower. It was given to The Mill by neighbours shortly after moving into its new house a few years back. A lovely gesture and a lovely mower. Snooker table green and powerful. With the gentlest of pushes it would cut The Mill’s lawn to within an inch of its life, leaving all those who enjoyed The Mill’s lawn feeling more than satisfied.

But then something happened. The mower got damaged, wear and tear took hold, as did age, and suddenly it was not as good as it once was. It still moved up and down and side to side, but there was next-to-no cutting, no lovely looking lawn. This once mighty mower had become useless.

Which brings us on to Radamel Falcao. If you’re of a certain age you’ll remember that he, too, was mighty once. Oh so mighty, in fact. But due to the ravages of damage and time he, too, has become useless, so much so in fact that Chelsea are keen on releasing the Colombian in January having signed him on loan from Monaco just four months ago. In that time the 29-year-old has scored once in 11 appearances – adding to the four goals in 29 appearances he got while on loan at Manchester United last season – and generally shown the predatory instincts of a stoned goldfish.

So really it’s no surprise Chelsea want to get rid of Falcao and bring in an upgrade – a Flymo Glide Master 340 if you’ll allow The Mill to stretch the tortured mower analogy a little longer. And who is the upgrade they have in mind? None other than Saido Berahino.

According to those in the know, Chelsea are willing to pay up to £20m during the next transfer window to acquire the striker from West Bromwich Albion, with the hope that he can score the goals that will once and for all end the champions’ remarkable, and somewhat comical, fight against relegation.

Berahino certainly knows how to score goals, having got 20 of them for West Brom last season. He also knows how to cause trouble (which, The Mill wonders, may be the real reason José Mourinho is keen on signing him) as was seen when the 22-year-old handed in a transfer request and lashed out at Jeremy Peace, the West Brom chairman, on Twitter while trying to force through a move to Tottenham in the summer. Berahino didn’t get his way, but should Chelsea indeed come calling at the turn of the year he will surely not allow himself to be denied again.

As Berahino edges towards Stamford Bridge, Oscar appears to be gently shuffling the other way, with Juventus interested in signing the Brazilian playmaker. His is another somewhat strange, sad decline given the 24-year-old was once integral to Chelsea’s attacking thrust. This season, however, Oscar has looked a shadow of his former self, failing to score since the middle of September and generally looking less than thrilling when on the pitch. A move to Italy may be just what he needs.

Also set to leave these shores is Cheik Tioté, once the heartbeat of Newcastle United’s midfield but now more like a scab on the back of their ankle. New England Revolution are keen on bringing the 29-year-old to Major League Soccer and he is no doubt keen on getting away from St James’ Park as quickly as possible.

The Mill has also heard talk of Curtis Davies leaving Hull City and joining Bournemouth. The defender, once of West Brom, Aston Villa and Birmingham City, is viewed by the Bournemouth manager, Eddie Howe, as a possible solution to their relentless inability to keep clean sheets and is willing to pay £3m to bring the 30-year-old to the south coast.

And finally Southampton are on the verge of making a £50,000 bid for Cheltenham’s 16-year-old winger Luke Thomas. The teenager has attracted interest from Benfica but is keen on moving to St Mary’s and continuing his education at a club renowned for bringing the best out of young talent before selling them for a massive amount of money to Arsenal.