A RIGHT ROYALS MESS

Once upon a long, long time ago, when The Fiver had real hair, a flickering sense of self-worth and what can just about be described as a functioning social life, we stumbled into a relationship. Yes, we know, but even Middlesbrough’s Paul Okon scored once, and he was useless, so do bear with us. And in any case, someone had to be hoodwinked by the cheap gags. Anyway, things were progressing smoothly with only mutual attraction, communication, trustworthiness, passion, respect, happiness, compassion, shared values, realism, patience and good humour the key areas in need of attention. Then one night, after just the 12 pints of frothy delusion-enhancer at our local, The Slow and Lonely Death, The Fiver returned home while singing the theme tune from Big Break. ♫ Snookering you ♪ Snookering you ♫ Tonight! ♪ Big Break!!! ♫ And with that final flourish we went tumbling on our tail after tripping on a Betamax recorder and being sent tottering into a black bag containing three pairs of underpants, a paisley shirt, some two-stripe football socks, three tissues and a 1/8 scale model of Mick Dundee.

Our life’s possessions, reader! Littered like shattered Newcastle defenders up the street. Oh the searing pain of a skewered heart. The crime? Apparently we’d been spotted talking to another human while playing Wheel of Fortune in the snug. Oh the irony! Bin-bagged, alone and broken, we were. Exactly how Steve Clarke is probably feeling today. You see, the manager with the cheery smile, bright eyes and look of eternal optimism was left to pick up his belongings from the Madejski Stadium at exactly 9.40am on Friday morning, when he was informed by Reading that it was high time he took a ride on the Do One Express. “Following Thursday night’s defeat at home to QPR, added to a recent run of poor form which has seen the team pick up just one win in the last eight Championship fixtures, the board feel that a change in manager is now necessary,” harrumphed a stern club suit, metaphorically flinging the Scot’s grundies into the car park.

But it would take a far dopier dope than The Fiver to believe that it was the malfunctioning Royals alone that had led to Clarke’s bin-bagging. They’re only a point off the play-offs, after all. Three weeks ago, Clarke whizzed down the M4 looking for love in west London. Fulham to be precise. But in what looks like a sizzling Tinder date gone wrong, teary-eyed and with tail between his legs, he hurtled even faster back up the westbound carriageway straight back into the arms of his old faithful. Clarke explained his trangression thus: “It wasn’t about money – it was about ambition and professionalism. I didn’t want to think ‘what if’. What I have here is more mind blowing. I’m happy with what I have here. This was the best option by a mile – to stay here.” Ah. But now they just don’t love you any more Steve.

The Fiver cannot confirm or deny that Clarke is currently stood outside Craven Cottage holding a bin bag, a droopy red rose and a print-out of an advert for a studio flat to rent in Earls Court, but it can take a wild stab in the dark and predict that the former Royals manager is probably really, really regretting calling the Reading job “mind blowing”. As it happens, the man who looks likely to have his brain boggled by the project on offer in Berkshire is Nigel Pearson, another cheery type who will be sure to reignite passions in the press room, if nothing else. As for Clarke, as he stands alone clutching his grundies and feeling sorry for himself, perhaps he’s learned a very important lesson: if you play away, you really must win at home.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“Yes, I love his music and the man that he was. He was not ‘fabricated’. He was real. I love people who do not have conventional paths and who stand out because of their talent” – Arsène Wenger gets his jam on to share his love of Bob Marley. Obviously.

FIVER LETTERS

“I always thought that The Fiver’s obsession with food at Fifa was a ruse to paper over the cracks of your shoddy reporting, but then you go and quote Brazilian Fifa executive committee member Fernando Sarney (yesterday’s Fiver). Now there’s someone who knows which side his bread is buttered, earns a crust and may know a thing or two about spread betting. Etc” – Morgan Armstrong.

“I fear Neil Lennon’s optimism over Bolton’s future (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs) may be misplaced. If ‘people are talking to solicitors’ and ‘it’s basically a question of who can come up with the money first’, presumably the first thing that will happen is that said money will be swallowed up by the aforementioned solicitors’ fees?” – David Nagle.

“Re: Gary Neville’s arrival at Valencia (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs). As an older brother myself, I can recognise a little brother being sacrificed a mile off. Valencia’s next game is against Barcelona. ‘You’re in charge of this one, bruv. I don’t start until Monday. Good luck.’ What else are little brothers for?” – Michael George.

“Re: Gary Neville turning up at Valencia and saying: ‘If I’d turned down this job [I’d] have said goodbye to my credibility.’ I’m pretty sure he said goodbye to that a while ago” – Daniel Doody.

“Henry Winter joins The Times (yesterday’s Last Line). This is the first domino falling in a sequence that can only end in The Fiver making a Joe Cole-esque move to the Coventry Telegraph in a bid to recapture past glories (no signing announcement video necessary). Can Fiver Ed confirm whether there’s any truth in these rumours?” – Tom Herne.

• Send your letters tothe.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is: Morgan Armstrong,who receives a copy of Football Manager 2016 courtesy of the very kind people at Football Manager Towers. We’ve got loads more copies to give away, so if you haven’t been lucky thus far, keep trying.

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RECOMMENDED LISTENING

If you missed it on Thursday, here’s the latest edition of Football Weekly Extraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

BITS AND BOBS

Real Madrid look like they’ve been booted out of the Copa del Rey for fielding the ineligible Denis Cheryshev in Wednesday’s 3-1 win over Cadiz.

The Argentinian FA’s attempt to hold a democratic presidential election for the first time since 1979 are mired in farce after 75 votes were cast and the result between Luis Segura and Marcelo Tinelli came in at … 38-38. Who’d’ve thunk it? “This is disconcerting and even embarrassing,” parped Segura.

José Mourinho admits his players needed an evening of team bonding after Diego Costa, Ramires and Kenedy were all photographed leaving a trendy London nightspot in the early hours of Thursday morning. “They had consulted me about the moment to do it, and I told them a bit far from Christmas because Christmas will be really busy,” wibbled the Blues’ festive party planner. “So they chose this week. I agreed with them. And the next morning in training everyone was really good.”

Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s future at PSG is in doubt, with his contract set to run out at the end of the season. “It’s more about what the player wants to do,” Laurent Blanc harrumphed. “At 34, Zlatan is showing that he has still got it.”

Wayne Rooney will miss Manchester United’s fortuitous wins over West Brom and Wolfsburg with ankle-knack. “It’s nasty,” sniffed Louis van Gaal. “He shall not play his 500th game [on Saturday] because he is more [knacked] than I thought.”

Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink has taken over as QPR manager. “I am happy to get the opportunity here, to lead the QPR family, be at the front of it all, put my stamp on things and take the club forward,” he trumpeted.

And West Ham’s Diafra Sakho has been ruled out for three months with severe thigh-argh.

STILL WANT MORE?

Leicester City’s Jamie Vardy sits down to chew the fat with Stuart James.

Pull up a chair, pour yourself a brew and enjoy Rob Smyth’s Golden Goal on Gabriel Batistuta for Fiorentina v Arsenal in 1999.

Barney Ronay reckons we should guzzle down the Neymar-Messi-Suárez-Aid while it’s red-hot.

Wannabe 1980s new-wave band Colombus Crew face off against mythical logging company Portland Timbers in Sunday’s MLS Cup. Graham Parker sets the scene.

You are the Ref No351: Harry Kane.

Northwich Victoria manager Jim Gannon on his life around the lower leagues and this weekend’s FA Cup second-round test against Northampton.

Alan Smith has a chat with Bournemouth and Republic O’Ireland’s Harry Arter.

Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.

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YIKES!