And that’s your lot. A slightly extended Saturday clockwatch is done, and thanks for reading. Even if you didn’t read, thanks for clicking on it. It justifies our existence.

Change for Newcastle - Remy Cabella replaces Yoan Gouffran.

Another half-chance for Perez - he gets the ball in the area with his back to goal, but can’t quite get it out of his feet and turn, and the chance is gone. Three minutes of injury-time.

Eesh, Newcastle should have this all wrapped up. Perez gives Konchesky twisted blood out on the Newcastle right, clips a cross over to the far post where Cisse heads into the ground, and it bounces over when he perhaps should have at least hit the target.

Smashing keeping from Krul - a corner comes over and falls to Vardy, but his powerful shot is battered clear by the Dutch keeper.

Leicester go close again. Haidara is caught out of position on the Newcastle left and Nugent breaks down the flank. He lifts a cross into the box but it’s just behind Vardy in the middle, and he can’t direct a shot at goal.

Leicester’s Esteban Cambiasso - still a deeply weird thing to write - goes off, to be replaced by the altogether more flash Anthony Knockeart.

Leicester almost get in behind the Newcastle defence. A long pass over the top finds Ulloa, but his first-touch is very heavy and it trickles through to Tim Krul in the Newcastle nets.

Meanwhile, check this out from Turkey...

And Newcastle make a sub too - Vernon Anita is replaced by Ayoze Perez. Meanwhile, a long free-kick is tossed into the Leicester box, it falls to Steven Taylor but he smacks it high over the bar.

Double change for Leicester - Jamie Vardy and David Nugent are on for Marc Albrighton and Jeffrey Schlupp.

The second half has started at St James’s, and Papiss Cisse has already missed a sitter, taking the ball round Kasper Schmeichel, composing himself before coolly slotting the ball wide of the post.

Remember that the Newcastle game is only at half-time - stick with me for updates from that one. Please.

And that’s full-time at the Den - it’s 3-3, after Millwall complete an absurd comeback from 3-0 down. What a game.

And that’s full-time at Arsenal now - 2-2, despite some late, late chances for the Gooners.

Half-time in the delayed kick-off at Newcastle, and it’s 0-0 between they and Leicester. The Toon fans booed their boys off, which seems a smidge harsh.

Whistles going around the country now - Chelsea have beaten Crystal Palace 2-1, Everton have won 3-0 against Aston Villa and Sunderland have been put out of their misery, 8-0 the final score.

“Oh well. I shouldn’t have watched,” mournfully writes Eoin O’Mahony, still a Hull City Fan.

“Perhaps someone should check on Barry Glendenning’s well being,” writes Sarah. Some of the language coming from the other side of the desk would make dockers blush. Although he is finding the thing rather amusing, which is probably the smartest way to deal with things.

“I just can’t watch,” writes Eoin O’Mahony, Hull City fan. Third-choice keeper Eldin Jakupovic seems to be keeping them in this game, making a fine save from a Sanchez header.

Arsenal, a lament part two, by David Flynn: “Is it not about time that Wenger accepted that his unbeatables team was a once in a lifetime squad, a mixture of the sound buys fitting perfectly into a solid English backbone that he’ll never be able to replicate. For all his talk of players fitting into the system he hasn’t since got his head around the fact that the system worked because the players were so good.

“Also his failure to buy any defenders last summer is tantamount to treason against Arsenal FC and for that alone he deserves to finish outside of the top 4.”

In the Championship, Watford look like they’re going top of the table, as Matej Vydra has just given them a 3-0 lead at Sheffield Wednesday. The current top two are Nottingham Forest and Norwich, the former lost at Cardiff earlier and the latter are 1-0 down against Fulham.

“Nice deployment of the classical trope of litotes by Matt Le Tissier,” muses Charles Antaki, thoughtfully. “Arsenal are also not looking too penetrative, fluid, aggressive or any good in general. In fact, leaving aside scholarly rhetoric, they’re looking rubbish.”

“Arsenal aren’t looking too dangerous,” says Matt le Tissier. Oh boy. Aaron Ramsey is on though, so that’s something.

First proper chance for Leicester at Newcastle, which actually sounds pretty good after the delayed start. Leanardo Ulloa bundles the ball towards goal and Matty James has a chance to score, but scuffs his shot.

Over in Spain, Ronaldo has scored again. It’s Real Madrid 3-0 Levante, and it’s probably more efficient to let you know when Ronaldo hasn’t scored a goal, in all honesty.

Arsenal: a lament, by Allan Castle via email: “After a decade of dominating possession, with little product, and being caught on the counter, I’m done. Come on Arsene, let’s sit back and play smash and grab.”

The good news is they’re now underway at St James’s. What larks!

Hyperbole and the famous anti-Chelsea bias from Gary P on the emails, who writes:

‘Q: When is yellow card for a rugby tackle in a football game called ‘harsh’?
‘A: “When the other side is Chelsea” - the Guardian’

And the Championship half-times...

Blackpool could be on for a comeback in the Championship - they were 3-0 down at Huddersfield, but Tony McMahon and Donervorn Daniels have bagged a couple to make it 3-2.

Bad news for Hull, as keeper Steve Harper has to go off after receiving treatment on an arm injury for some time. Eldin Jakupovic replaces him, which is the second change they had to make - Nikica Jelavic twanged a hamstring in the warm-up.

Gus Poyet is going postal at St Mary’s, as Sunderland are denied what looked like a pretty nailed on penalty as Steven Fletcher runs onto a Seb Larsson pass, is brought down by Fraser Forster but Andre Marriner wafts the protests away like a horse brushing aside troublesome flies.

Many thanks to everyone sending Vines of the Vergini ogger, but you’re all very naughty - due to broadcast rights and so forth, we’ll get a smack on the bottom for posting such things from games.

Over in Germany, the woe continues for Borussia Dortmund, who are 1-0 down at half-time against Cologne. Bayern Munich are bogling to three points against Weder Bremen, already 4-0 up at the break, while Cristiano Ronaldo has, obviously, scored for Real Madrid in Spain.

Follow all the scores from across the UK and Europe here.

Oh, and Huddersfield were 3-0 up over Blackpool after just 16 minutes. Gadzooks.

Down in the Championship, Neil Lennon’s first game as Bolton manager is going well thus far as Matt Mills has given them a 1-0 lead at Birmingham. Odion Ighalo has put Watford 1-0 ahead at Sheffield Wednesday, although there were questions about offside for that one. Meanwhile Wolves are 1-0 up at Millwall through Danny Batth, Sean Kavanagh has scored to make it Fulham 1-0 Norwich, Charlton are losing 1-0 at Bournemouth, Middlesbrough are winning 1-0 at Brighton and Chris Martin has scored to give Derby a 1-0 lead against Reading.

Dear lord, whatever you do make sure you catch Vergini’s OG. It was an absolute belter, and falls into the category of ‘what exactly were you even trying to do there?’

It’s worth noting that the referee at Newcastle is Martin Atkinson, who of course was the man in charge for the Serbia v Albania clusterfudge, so his week has been spent chasing drones and making sure floppy screens are pinned in the proper manner. Not what he signed up for, one suspects.

GOA...oh, no, it’s been disallowed. Lukas Jutkiewicz has the ball in the net for Burnley against West Ham, snaffling a rebound but the flag was up, and the goal will not stand.

Newcastle big screen update: we have a 4pm kick-off. Repeat: a 4pm kick-off.

The football begins, and it’s been a lively old start at Selhurst Park with chances for both sides, Cesar Azpilicueta clearing the danger for Chelsea following a dangerous cross from Yannick Bolasie.

It’s fixed! They’ve fixed it! What mighty feats the engineers of today can perform!

Here’s a proper update on the Newcastle shambles, from Louise Taylor at St James’s Park.

Engineers were called in to make safe a big screen that had been erected at the north-east corner of the ground during the international break after part of it was dislodged by high winds.

They started to asses the 60-metre structure at around 2.30pm, meaning kick-off was delayed with 30 minutes required to admit a crowd of around 50,000.

While we’re waiting for the games to start, it’s worth sharing this quite magnificent anecdote about Alan Pardew, quoted by the Daily Mirror...

In football that has actually occurred news, Manchester City have beaten Spurs 4-1 in a game that featured four penalties, and a lesson in finishing by the magnificent Sergio Agüero. See what Scott Murray made of that one.

Confirmed from Louise Taylor, our reporter at Newcastle, that there will be a delay to the kick-off there. There are workmen on the scene trying to repair this rogue flapping screen, but they won’t be inspecting until 3pm, and they need 30 minutes between opening the turnstiles and the game starting. A 4pm kick-off looks likely at this stage.

Update from the Toon: word is that if they can’t get the problem fixed by 14.30 there will be a delay to kick-off, but even that would appear extremely optimistic.

What’s the weirdest reason you’ve encountered for a game to be called off/delayed? I was at the Spurs v Nottingham Forest Rumbelows Cup semi-final in 1992 that was delayed because of a bomb scare at White Hart Lane. Forest ended up winning 2-1 thanks to a thumping header by one Roy Keane.

Japes already at Newcastle. They’ve had a big screen installed at St James’s Park, but apparently it hasn’t been installed particularly well, because bits of it are flapping all over the place, in a rather precarious manner, meaning that the game is, apparently, in danger of being called off. They certainly aren’t letting fans in until the whole thing is sorted.

Here it is:

Some things are unavoidable. Nobody could have seen them coming. No prior warning. Bolts from the blue. Arsenal, for example, and their problems at the back. Nobody could have predicted that by mid-October they would find themselves in a situation where against Hull today they will probably have to field a defence including a 19-year-old with one senior appearance under his belt at right-back, and a defensively questionable left-back at centre-half. Yep. A real shocker that one. Poor old Arsene Wenger, blindsided again by a series of massively unpredictable injuries, when all he has is the best part of two decades of precedent to go on. And they could well be troubled by an unspectacular but often effective Hull side today, as Barry Glendenning wrote in our 10 things for the weekend, here.

Despite the apparent gulf in class between the sides, the Hull manager, Steve Bruce, will almost certainly inform his players that in terms of Premier League points won, goals scored and conceded, interceptions and accurate crosses there is little or nothing between these teams after seven Premier League matches each. Targeting Arsenal in dead-ball situations looks the ideal way of trying to nick three points against a makeshift defence for whom the most effective way of defending corners and free-kicks might well be to avoid conceding them in the first place.

Still, at least Wenger admitted this week that he knows they are ‘a little bit short’ in defence, and will buy someone in January. The only problem being that ‘someone’ is rumoured to be Virgil van Dijk, a man part of a Celtic side who have somehow managed to find themselves sixth in the Scottish Premiership. Good luck with that one boys!

Something weird’s happening at West Ham, who duke it out with Burnley this very afternoon. After a few years of the most functional football it is possible to imagine bringing them an amount of success under Sam Allardyce, the top brass at the Boleyn insisted he change everything that has put him in the position he is in, and make West Ham, y’know, attractive to watch. “Ha!” we all thought. “Fat chance there David Gold! Good luck with that one David Sullivan! Let’s see how that one works out for you Karren Brady!” But then there came a honk from the roomy guy in the slightly ill-fitting suit on the touchline. “No problem!” boomed Big Sam. “One attractive, free-flowing side coming your way!” And it seems to have happened too. Sam Allardyce seems to have worked out how to play in a manner that does not make 30,000 pairs of East End eyes bleed. But don’t take my word for it – Jacob Steinberg knows, and he had this to say:

Part of the criticism of Allardyce was that he had one idea: cross to Andy Carroll, header down to Kevin Nolan, scrappy goal from six yards, repeat until opposition has succumbed. Unsurprisingly, West Ham were lost when Carroll was injured last season and there was alarm when he tore ankle ligaments in the summer, before Nolan injured his shoulder ahead of the trip to Crystal Palace in August.

If that forced Allardyce out of his comfort zone, then he has adapted brilliantly, tweaking and modifying the side until he hit upon the golden formula against Liverpool last month. Song, Kouyaté and Noble formed an energetic and intelligent base in midfield, Valencia and Sakho were used as wide forwards with freedom to use their speed and skill to roam inside, and Stewart Downing moved from the flanks to an influential playmaking role in the hole, where he has been outstanding. Downing and Song, two refined players, are at the heart of West Ham’s evolution.

One of the more heart-warming sights a neutral in the Premier League can see is John Terry having suffered a misfortune of some description. Last year when Chelsea visited Crystal Palace, who they once again travel to face today, such a sight was there for all to see, as Terry bumbled an own-goal in as Palace skipped away with a 1-0 victory, as a nation hooted with laughter. Those who don’t enjoy schadenfreude or ignore laughing at the misfortune of others really are missing out. I recommend it heartily. Jose Mourinho is another who enjoys such japes, as well as this thing called sarcasm, saying this week in response to criticism from Paul Lambert and Roy Keane for the, at the very least astonishingly arrogant manner in which he did one down the tunnel, offering handshakes all round, before the end of Chelsea’s win over Aston Villa the other week: “I appreciate the comments. I think they are both two great examples of polite and very well-educated people, and because I’m a humble guy who tries to learn every day and with every experience, I appreciate the comments.”

Jose reckons half his team, including Diego Costa, Ramires, Didier Drogba and André Schürrle, are struggling with injury, so expect a full-strength team to trot out at Selhurst today.

You’ll be aware of Limmy, the Scottish comedian who seems to spend 90% of his waking hours on Twitter. In the other 10% of the time he makes segments for TV shows such as Charlie Brooker’s, including this one about ‘rapper’ Pitbull. Here it is.

Like nobody batting an eye when Pitbull comes on stage, bouncing around in his suit with everybody seemingly scared to ask what a man who looks about 40 is doing in such a scenario, lots of people seem to be ignoring exactly how bad Everton and Roberto Martinez have been so far this season. And man have they been bad, which is partly explained by their injury problems, partly due to a particularly unkind fixture list, but perhaps mostly because the majority of their better players have been absolutely terrible. Romelu Lukaku, Phil Jagielka, Sylvain Distin – bobbins, to a man. They had better get their bottoms into gear fairly sharpish mind, and today might be the very day. Aston Villa started the season well, but have fallen away in quite a fashion in recent weeks, so one suspects they will regress to the mean, in this case the mean is that they’re not actually that good. Barry Glendenning begs to differ, mind:

Statistics show that no team in the Premier League this season has “enjoyed” less possession or as few shots on goal as Paul Lambert’s side but, considering the glaring deficiencies in defence of an Everton side that has kept only one clean sheet while conceding 16 league goals in seven games, it seems likely that Paul Lambert’s counter-attacking but goal-shy side will capitalise on at least one defensive blunder to increase their meagre tally of four goals this season.

Want cheering up? After a pal to go out for jolly pints with? Looking for someone to share with you a positive view on the world and raise your spirits? Don’t give Alan Pardew a bell, is our suggestion:

I’ve had some real dark days here recently,” he said as he prepared for Leicester City’s visit on Saturday. “But, in terms of the energy and work-rate we’re putting in, the stats back up the feeling that I haven’t lost the dressing room.

“I don’t think I’ve lost a dressing room before but sometimes you can be slightly misguided because you’re always thinking positively and think people are behind you.

“But certainly there have been signs that the players are desperate for a win. They are making mistakes rather than not wanting to win.”

Everything is relative, obviously, but “real dark days”? Good lord Alan, you’re just under a bit of pressure in a job you have largely done pretty well but were desperately under-qualified for when you got it. Surely this should be one of those ‘every day’s a bonus’ situations, where Pards thanks his favourite deity for every morning when he wakes up and is allowed to use his priority car parking space at St James’s Park. Still, those are privileges he might have to turn in should Newcastle lose to Leicester today. Actually, perhaps that’s how chairmen should deal with under-performing managers. Rather than just sack the manager at the first sight of trouble, gradually take away his benefits, like the parking space, the expenses account, the personal bathroom, etc and so on. Then when he wins a game, he gets one thing back. Humiliating? Perhaps, but it’s better than just binning people left, right and centre.

You know what you don’t hear much these days? The phrase “I have taken a lover.” It all seems quite Victorian. “Our lady has taken a lover, and it is quite the scandal in society circles.” Perhaps we should bring it back. If you, dear reader, somehow manage to convince another human being to share your bed and do what comes natural, tell your friends that you have taken a lover. It’ll be good. Trust me. This of course is all just a lot of waffle to disguise that I can’t really think of much interesting to say about Southampton v Sunderland this afternoon. So instead of reading my half-baked guff, kick off your shoes and enjoy Scott Murray’s superb Golden Goal piece on Eddie Gray scoring against Burnley back in 1970.