90 min +3: Ronaldo is booked for a little donkey kick on Alves.

90 min +2: And much good it does them. Messi’s dreadful effort only just about stays within the confines of the stadium.

90 min +1: Carvajal, who having been booked needs to watch himself, takes down Neymar, 30 yards from goal. Not much contact, though Neymar’s asking the referee to show a second yellow. But nope! A free kick in a fairly dangerous central position will have to do.

90 min: Corner for Barcelona, down the right. Rakitic takes. The set piece doesn’t clear the first man, and the break’s on. For the 984th time today, a sloppy pass ruins a Real move with Barca light at the back. This time it’s the fault of Marcelo. The crowd groan in frustration, but not with any real passion. They’re three minutes of added time away from celebrating Real’s 92nd league victory over Barcelona. (Barca, for the record, have 89 wins in the bag.)

89 min: Modric is replaced by Arbeloa.

88 min: A couple of dangerous crosses into the Real area from the right by Alves. Both are mopped up by Ramos.

87 min: Benzema is replaced by Khedira.

86 min: Mascherano loops a gorgeous pass down the inside-right channel to release Alves, but the right-back can’t bring the ball down in the Real area, and Marcelo can clear. Ronaldo very nearly breaks up the left wing, but Pique is across quickly to put a stop to his gallop.

84 min: In a bad moment for MBM reporters worldwide, Isco is replaced by Illarramendi.

81 min: Rakatic makes good down the right and whips a ball towards the near post. Ramos dives in to head behind. The corner leads to nothing other than a Real break. Ronaldo, Rodriguez and Benzema make for the Barca box, and should manufacture a shot at the very least, and probably should score. But they over-engineer the move, Ronaldo, eventually playing a blind pass to the right for Rodriguez. Sergi Roberto, who has bravely tracked back, is able to intercept. Barca are somehow still within range; Real have passed up a lot of chances to wrap this up in pretty bows.

80 min: Messi, in a tight position 40 yards out with his back to goal, flicks a superlative ball down the right wing for Pedro, who really should tear clear into the area, but allows Pepe to come across and stop him from getting a shot away. A goal here for Barcelona would, needless to say, change everything.

78 min: Marcelo, in acres in the middle of the Barca half, flicks a pass out wide to Rodriguez. He’d have set his team-mate free, had Mascherano not made yet another last-ditch challenge. It’s been threatening to turn a little ugly for Barca, this. Mascherano is doing his level best to keep things civil.

75 min: Rodriguez turns briskly down the right and zips upfield, before raking a pass forward for Benzema. The Real striker should never be allowed to reach the ball, but Pique is ponderous on the edge of his own area. Benzema steals possession, then lays off inside to Rodriguez, who had kept on keepin’ on. Rodriguez shoots, but his effort is blocked by the equally relentless Mascherano. Real are in total control of this game now, the bosses of Barca.

74 min: Carvajal is booked for a reasonably agricultural challenge on Mathieu.

73 min: Messi bustles on the edge of the Barca box. He slips the ball to the left for Neymar, who falls backwards as he mishits a weak shot wide of goal. He didn’t get anything on that at all. Casillas bollocks his defenders, knowing full well that a decent whack by Neymar would have had him in all sorts of bother.

72 min: Iniesta pulls up with Leg Twang. He’s replaced by Sergi Roberto.

71 min: Real look like scoring every time they go forward, only for the final pass to go awry. Ronaldo tears down the left and tries to set up Benzema again, but the ball inside is behind his team-mate.

70 min: Real stream forward again, Kroos sending Ronaldo and Benzema on their way. The former lays off to the latter on the edge of the area, and Benzema blooters high over the bar for three rugby-union points.

69 min: Suarez, on the right-hand corner of the Real box, whips a high cross to the far post for Neymar, who heads powerfully wide. That’s Suarez’s final act of the evening, as he’s replaced by Pedro.

67 min: Rakitic, to the right of the Real D, drags a lame shot wide left of goal. The visitors can take heart that they’re at least on the front foot right now.

66 min: Barca are keeping busy, Rakitic nearly releasing Suarez into the area with a sliderule down the inside-right channel. But Ramos is across quickly to intercept. Real are fairly comfortable right now.

64 min: Barca are tiki-taka-ing the ball around the edge of the Real area, but getting absolutely nowhere. Real spring clear through Marcelo down the left. Marcelo reaches the Barca box after a lung-busting run. He slides the ball right for Rodriguez, but the pass is poor. Mascherano is able to slide across and block, the ball looping into the air, and Bravo can claim. The visitors are on the ropes here.

60 min: Rakitic replaces Xavi.

59 min: Suarez turns Ramos down the inside-right channel, and then goes to ground rather too easily. Then Alves hoofs the ball straight into Ronaldo’s teeth. Not a brilliant 60 seconds for two of the world’s best players.

56 min: But you can’t keep Barca down. Neymar romps into space down the inside left, and his pullback so nearly sets up Messi to convert from 10 yards in the middle. Real clear, but not particularly impressively, and Mathieu, down the left flank, sends a stunning heatseeker towards the top left from 20 yards. It’s going snugly into the corner, but Casillas turns it behind. The resulting set piece comes to naught. What a shot by the left-back, though!

54 min: Marcelo goes on another romp down the left. He shuttles the ball inside and sets up Kroos, who should shoot on the edge of the D, but lays off to Ronaldo on the right. The ball’s then slid over back left to Isco, whose shot-cum-cross is blocked and gathered by Bravo. But Real are soon coming back at their rivals, Rodriguez unleashing a rising shot from the right flank. Bravo again deals with it. Real have the scent in their nostrils right now.

53 min: Suarez busies himself down the inside-left channel, but can’t bust through the Real back line. Real flood up the other end, Benzema’s rolled pass down the middle very nearly sending Ronaldo clear. This isn’t going to end 2-1. “It’s been getting cruelly brutal from Barcelona,” writes Charles Antaki, in a tinder-dry email with the subject heading ‘gimlet eyed toughs’. “That notorious rough-house heavy Iniesta has joined the ruthless bullies Neymar and Messi in the book. Pepe, meanwhile, has had a quiet game.” Heh. It’s easy to forget that these grand old clubs, marketed now as the aesthete’s choice, were never afraid to embrace base thuggery as a way of life, back in the day, when needs must. Nothing wrong with that, of course. Marvellous!

47 min: Suarez is taken down when zig-zagging towards the Real box down the right-hand channel. Modric is expecting to go in the book, and is somewhat surprised when the referee takes no action. Just a free kick, which Messi clubs into the wall.

And we’re off again! Real are immediately on the attack, Rodriguez and Benzema exchanging passes on the right-hand edge of the Barca box, the former taking a shot that’s deflected, looping up and down and into Bravo’s hands. “The defending in this match actually has been quite good given that both teams are essentially playing with eight attackers and two defenders,” opines Gene Salorio. Yes, it’s been nothing if not great fun, a sugar rush. Like watching Luis Suarez era Liverpool play Luis Suarez era Liverpool.

Half-time intermission: In honour of the absent Gareth Bale.

44 min: It couldn’t last. Marcelo reaches the edge of the Barca box down the left and scoops a cross into the centre, where Pique misses his clearance, and Rodriguez fails to connect properly with a header ten yards out. His effort flies wide right. Ronaldo, next to him, looks pained.

43 min: No chances given up by either defence for approximately 180 seconds now. All very odd.

40 min: But they’re totting up the corners, too. Another down the left wing. Xavi takes the set piece, and hits it long. Pique connects at the far post, but his downward header is blocked and squirts out for a second corner. Casillas punches the second one clear. Good luck in calling which way this match is going.

38 min: Barca are totting up the bookings here. Their fourth player goes into the book, Iniesta clattering into the side of Modric with unnecessary force as the Real midfielder looks to break quickly upfield after a Neymar snapshot from 20 yards was easily blocked.

37 min: Real’s tails are up now. Marcelo very nearly tears clear down the left again, but he’s shoved off the ball by Alves, who really needed to deal with that situation. Barca can thank him at half time, if they make it that far.

33 min: Ronaldo takes a couple of stepovers down the left and wins a corner. Rodriguez takes the set piece. Ronaldo rises on the penalty spot, and powers a header downwards. The effort hits Pique on the hand, but the defender was so close to Ronaldo it couldn’t have been deliberate. No penalty. But no matter, because ...

31 min: Alves has a whack from distance. The daisycutter takes a deflection en route to Casillas, but not so dramatically that the keeper is confused.

29 min: Words don’t come easy to me, to quote the great FR David. Luckily you can turn to this Gallery of action from the Bernabeu.

27 min: This is a preposterously open match. Real give up a couple of chances within the space of 60 seconds. First Suarez nearly breaks through down the inside-left channel, but the ball clanks off his shin. Then Neymar looks to take a snapshot at the right-hand post, but Ramos slides across on his buttocks to deny him. This is not going to end 0-1.

26 min: Ronaldo cuts into the Barca area from the left, and bangs the old nips straight into Busquets. He falls and claims the penalty, but the referee decides he was looking for it. To be fair to Ronaldo, once the decision’s made - or not made - he gets up quickly and gets on with it.

24 min: This is hectic. Rodriguez performs a stepover down the right and nearly finds Ronaldo’s head at the far post. The cross is intercepted by Pique. The ball’s shuttled upfield, where Kroos clumsily clanks into Messi and is very fortunate not to see yellow.

23 min: Suarez hasn’t taken long to make an impression. He makes a little space for himself down the right again, then fires a low cross into the box. It’s a brilliant ball, and it’s met by Messi, who surely must score, but his sidefoot allows Casillas to get in the way and tip out for a corner. The set piece comes to nothing.

22 min: Messi goes on a dribble down the middle, then tries to sliderule one into the bottom-right corner. He doesn’t connect particularly well. It’s pelting along at 200mph, this game, with not a lot of calm control on display. It’s like an Old Firm game from 1987.

21 min: Neither of these teams look particularly impressive when on the back foot. Then again, by definition, who does? Ronaldo goes on a determined meander down the right, but his low cross into the centre is hacked away by Pique.

18 min: Ronaldo sends a pea-roller straight down Bravo’s throat. Barca appear to have weathered that storm.

16 min: Suarez goes on one of his power runs and wins a corner down the left. The corner doesn’t beat the first man. Real clear, only for Pepe to shank a simple pass straight out of play at 90 degrees. Barca can’t make anything out of the throw, deep in Real territory, but after that period of pressure, they’ll be grateful for the breather.

14 min: It’s fair to say this has been a lively start. How has English television been dealing with this?

13 min: Carvajal clatters into the back of Neymar. A lot of whistling. The referee tells the Barca player to get on with it. Neymar takes matters into his own hands, leading with his elbow as the pair compete for a high ball soon after. His arm clatters into Carvajal’s face, and there’s a second Barcelona player in the book.

11 min: Barcelona are hanging on here! Ronaldo dances down the left in a very adroit manner, and loops a cross into the middle for Benzema, who crashes a header off the crossbar! Soon after, he’s scuttling around near the right-hand post, and hits the frame of the goal again! How the home side haven’t equalised here is the big question.

10 min: Marcelo twirls through 360 degrees down the left, and slams the ball through the six-yard box. How on earth does Benzema not connect? Well, he doesn’t, the ball an inch behind him as he rushes in with a view to hammering home from a couple of yards.

9 min: Sweet only gets you so far, though. Messi clatters into Kroos, and he’s in the book. You could make the case that he should be walking now, but I suppose most players are allowed a saucy one early on.

8 min: Messi is upended, cutting in from the right. A free kick, and it’s wasted. Messi then turns aggressor, sliding in on Modric. He surely deserves to go in the book, but just look at his sweet little face.

5 min: Ronaldo is brought down just to the left of the Barca D. The resulting free kick is witless, banged straight into a startled Barca coupon. But the ball breaks out to the left for Isco, who strokes cross into the area. Benzema springs free, and flicks the ball past the outrushing Bravo. However, the keeper’s done just enough, as Benzema’s flick bounces apologetically wide of the right-hand post.

2 min: Rodriguez, cutting in from the right, larrups a long, diagonal ball towards Isco on the left. Things look like opening up for Real Madrid early doors, but Isco can’t get the ball under control.

Some atmosphere, but you don’t really need to be told that. Casillas and Xavi shake hands. A coin is tossed. And we’re off! Barca get the ball rolling. They knock it around the back awhile. Mascherano swings a ball out to the right, where Suarez takes his first touch in the Spanish league. It’s on!

A beautiful evening at the Bernabeu, and the teams make their way onto the pitch! You know how they’re dressed: Real in merengue white, Barca in blaugrana blue and red. Before we begin the beguine, to reference erstwhile Real Madrid reserve keeper Julio Iglesias, anyone for a bit of El Clásico Joy of Six action, from an 11-1 shellacking to Johan Cruyff’s high point in a Barcelona shirt, via the Alfredo di Stefano affair? Hell whyever not.

Say what you like about Luis Suarez, but the man’s got star quality. Imagine the disappointment if, back from his latest ban, he doesn’t start today! We’ll have to make do with Cristiano Ronaldo, Lionel Messi, James Rodriguez and Neymar. Bah. What’s the La Liga refund policy?

Kick off: 5pm.