90 min: A throaty, emotional version of You’ll Never Walk Alone. Liverpool and these supporters will need an awful lot of hope right now, because this team is almost totally bereft of confidence and quite frankly in a bit of a mess. “Thankfully, we’ll never have to face the likes of Real Madrid again this season,” sighs Gar Byrne. “Oh, wait.”

88 min: Real pass it around the back. Sterling clips Pepe from behind. Some rolling and shouting. A lot of fuss over nothing. The referee’s not interested.

86 min: “We love you Liverpool, we do.” A hearty roar from the Kop. It’s defiant. Depressed, but defiant. Can has a skelp from the best part of 30 yards down the inside-left channel. His hard thrash nearly curls into the top-left corner, but not quite, and Casillas has got it covered anyway.

85 min: Marcelo makes way for Nacho.

84 min: Johnson whips a cross into the Real box from the right. Sterling makes a run to head home from six yards, but Arbeloa reads the cross well, nipping in ahead to flick the ball out for a corner. The set piece is a miserable nonsense.

83 min: Markovic, who has been very quiet, wins a corner down the right. Lallana takes. Lovren throws himself at the ball and misses it. Liverpool fans can take heart that at least this is happening at the top end of the pitch.

81 min: Illarramendi replaces Kroos.

80 min: Isco has a dig, just to the left of the D. His effort is blocked, and rebounds to Modric, who fires straight down Mignolet’s throat from 25 yards.

78 min: Johnson cuts inside from the right, and then falls asleep mid-dribble. I’ve never seen the like of it before!

75 min: To pantomime boos, Ronaldo departs for Khedira. At the restart, Can has a lash from 20 yards, but Varane blocks.

73 min: And here’s the danger of pressing forward with too much vigour, as Rodriguez bombs straight at the Liverpool box, exchanges passes with Benzema to his right, and lashes a low shot inches wide of the right-hand post.

72 min: This is better from Liverpool, too, as Sterling zig-zags in from the left and rolls the ball inside for Allen, who can’t get the ball out from under his feet, ten yards out. Lallana tries to flick the ball into the bottom left, but he’s offside.

71 min: Can goes on a blistering run down the middle of the park, excitement enough to get Anfield roaring a little bit again. But his pass outside to Markovic on the right is too heavy, and the ever-excellent Varane is on hand to mop up.

70 min: Allen, to the left of the D, shifts the ball outside for Sterling, who sends a rising shot straight at Casillas. The keeper rather clumsily punches over the bar for a corner on the right. He probably should have gathered that. Real deal with the corner easily, then break forward. Rodriguez threatens to break into the area down the right, but he’s stopped in his tracks by a tenacious Lovren. Liverpool would take 0-3 now, no question.

69 min: A little possession for Liverpool, but no penetration. Real are happy enough to sit back.

67 min: Can and Markovic come on for Henderson and Coutinho.

66 min: Sterling puts the ball into the Real net, lofting the ball over Casillas from the edge of the area.. But had scooted after a long ball down the inside-right channel from an offside position. The flag goes up.

64 min: Ronaldo should have made it four for Real. Isco swans down the left. He lifts the ball inside for Benzema, who shuttles it further to the right for Ronaldo. Liverpool’s shoddy back line has been ripped to bits. Ronaldo is one on one with Mignolet. He looks to chip home, but an uncharacteristically weak effort is blocked. An escape for Liverpool.

63 min: Sterling busies himself down the left, and wins a corner. The set piece is plucked from the sky by Casillas, who has had very little to do this evening. Liverpool are going nowhere, certainly right now, but arguably in more than that one sense.

62 min: Lovren fannies around while facing his own goal, 30 yards out. Ronaldo robs him, and takes a few steps down the left, before battering a shot towards the near post. Mignolet parries brilliantly, though the force of the shot nearly knocks him into the net.

60 min: Marcelo goes on a run of Gareth Bale style bustle down the left. He so nearly breaks into the area, but the chance to end a barnstorming run with an unstoppable shot is denied him by a combination of Allen and Skrtel.

59 min: Anfield is pretty damn quiet now. Give or take the small number of Real fans who are giving it plenty.

57 min: This has suddenly become very open, which probably isn’t going to do Liverpool any favours. Lallana rolls a ball forward along the left channel for Sterling, who is one on one with Varane on the edge of the box. Sterling can’t keep his feet. Real zip upfield and Ronaldo’s breaking into an awful lot of space down the right. He sashays inside and looks to spray a highly ambitious shot into the top left. He’s not far away.

55 min: Sterling has Allen in acres down the right. He hesitates, and plays the ball far too late. A chance to send Allen clear there. Real go straight up the other end and nearly score, Benzema racing into space on the left-hand side of the box. Reaching the byline, he pulls a low ball back for Ronaldo, on the penalty spot, but it’s cut out by Skrtel.

53 min: This is better from Liverpool. Lallana and Sterling exchange quick passes down the inside-left channel. Lallana enters the box, but he’s hauled back by the linesman’s flag, which has popped up rather generously for a borderline offside. A sense that if anything’s going to happen for Liverpool this evening - even if it’s only a little bit of face-saving - they’ll need a few of these decisions to go their way.

52 min: Lallana - who came on to great cheers from the home crowd, he’s really made an impression at Anfield - wins another corner down the left. Casillas fists clear. Liverpool come back at Real, Lallana nearly sliding Sterling clear down the inside-left channel, but Skrtel getting in the way.

50 min: Blocked shots at either end, first by the busy Lallana, cutting in from the left, and then by Isco, taking a rather greedy pop with Rodriguez in acres of space nearby.

49 min: ... nothing. Gerrard’s dismal corner doesn’t even beat the first man. Real are soon breaking upfield on the counter. Ronaldo has a probe down the left, then Rodriguez attempts to curl one into the top left from the right wing.

48 min: Liverpool pass it around the back awhile. They’re given all the time in the world. Lallana bursts down the left and wins a corner. From which ...

And we’re off again! Balotelli has been hooked in favour of Lallana. Has the switch got anything to do with his swapping shirts with Pepe on the way down the tunnel at the end of the first half? We’ll never know. (We might.)

Looking On The Bright Side with readers various.

“At least Madrid have stated, unequivocally, they’re not interested in Raheem. It was hard to believe, until they explained they already have plenty of good players. RIGHT-O. STAND DOWN, ALL CLEAR.” - Grant Tennille

“Remember with el clasico coming up on Saturday, Real might rest a few players during the second half.” - James Hartley

“We might still go on to win the Europa League. Sob.” - Gar Byrne

“If we’re going to be ‘schooled’ as the youngsters would have it, I’d rather it be by a wonderful team led by a gent. Hats off to Carlo, the finest and most genial manager in Europe.” - Paul Ewart

“I’m not sure that Liverpool are being taught a lesson here. It’s more that they are learning through empirical analysis that repeatedly punching yourself in the swingers can cause significant pain.” - Niall Mullen

Half-time advertisement: A classic ad from 1981, the year of Liverpool’s greatest triumph over Real.

The star of this magnificent message is former ITN newscaster Reggie Bosanquet. True to form, the famously hedonistic Bosanquet couldn’t even get through a 20-second ad without pouring himself a refresher, and has used the orange juice to mix himself a pre-tennis (!) bucks fizz.

A television crew once interviewed Bosanquet at his flat at 10am. “Of course Reggie was found to be into the champagne,” they reported. Reggie’s response to this slight, given years later in his magnificently titled autobiography Let’s Get Through Wednesday, was straight and to the point: “This was stated as though it were something terrible. Apart from at weddings, when else does one drink champagne except at breakfast?”

45 min +1: Liverpool so unlucky! Coutinho drops a shoulder to zip past Kroos down the middle, nudges the ball to the right, and unleashes an unstoppable riser towards the top left. Unstoppable, that is, apart from the post, the ball drifting just too far wide just at the last with Casillas beaten all ends up. “No need to panic yet,” writes Matt Dony. “Just bring Didi Hamann on at half time.”

45 min: Real are knocking it around rather a lot. Olé! Olé! Olé! Olé! Olé! Olé! Olé! Olé! “Could I just be the first Liverpool supporter to say how much I’ll be looking forward to a lack of European football in the second half of the season so we can concentrate on the league?” quips Eric Idle Phil Sawyer. “If you want me, incidentally, I’ll be sat in the corner rocking backwards and forwards telling myself it’s all alright.”

43 min: Balotelli makes good down the right and pulls a ball back for Allen, on the right-hand edge of the D. Allen steers a shot towards the bottom-left corner, and is unlucky to see it bounce a few inches wide of the post. Casillas might have had that covered, but he might not.

40 min: Trouble at mill for Liverpool as they play a high line and misjudge it woefully, allowing Ronaldo to tear clear on goal down the inside-left channel. Fortunately for Liverpool, Ronaldo miscontrols, and Johnson can bundle the ball out for a corner. From which ...

37 min: Coutinho slides Henderson into space down the right, but Henderson’s low cross is aimless. Gerrard and Johnson attempt to retrieve the situation 30 yards from the Real goal. They win the ball back between them, bustling away as they do. Then leave it in no man’s land to each other. Marcelo runs off with the ball like a cartoon character with a bag of sweeties, or a pie stolen from someone’s kitchen window. Tee hee, now for a feast!

35 min: Sterling goes on a determined skitter down the left. It’s a thrilling run, but the second he threatens to break into space, Kroos comes over and shoves him out of the way. A cynical charge. A booking, and it’s one Kroos is quite happy to take.

34 min: Gerrard, deep inside his own half, hoicks a long ball forward, with the intention of releasing Balotelli down the inside-right wing. The pass is woefully overcooked.

33 min: Sterling tries to get Liverpool going down the left, but Pepe crowds him out. Then Henderson does well to rob Isco down the right, but he meanders off down a cul-de-sac. Liverpool can’t get anything going.

28 min: Ronaldo, 25 yards out, takes a step to the right and whips a low fizzer towards the bottom right. It flies inches wide. It’s not clear whether Mignolet would have got to that, had it been on target. That double Balotelli burst apart, Liverpool are on the ropes here, and have been for the last ten minutes.

26 min: Mignolet hoofs long. Balotelli stuns the dropping ball magnificently, but his first-time pass down the middle, meant for Sterling, goes to nobody, his team-mate having decided mid-run to scuttle off elsewhere. Then Balotelli powers down the right, but there’s nobody bar Sterling up with him, and his fierce, panicked cross flies straight through the area. A decent response by Balotelli.

24 min: Liverpool really paid for dropping off there. They try to ramp it up a little, Balotelli taking a snapshot from 20 yards down the left channel. But Varane blocks. Anfield’s in a funk.

22 min: After a fast start, Liverpool have slowed down a bit. And the direct result of their less intense pressing: Real are enjoying more of the ball. In fact, all of a sudden, this is pretty much all Real Madrid. Anfield has gone quiet.

20 min: A Real corner, as Marcelo glides in from the left and Gerrard is forced to blooter a pass meant for Ronaldo behind the goal from 30 yards. The set piece is sent long, and lands at Rodriguez’s feet to the right of goal. A tight-ish angle, but nevertheless Rodriguez loops a poor effort miles over the bar.

17 min: A bit of possession for Real. Arbeloa is sent into space a couple of times down the right, but his first cross is headed powerfully clear by Lovren, while his second is blocked at source. Liverpool have started well, a confident but not cocky start.

15 min: Rodriguez is back on the field, sporting a crisp new white shirt. Balotelli races clear down the left, but he’s penalised for shoving Pepe in the back. Not sure he needed to do that, because Pepe was all over the place is dealing with a long ball. A decent run, though, and the much-maligned Balotelli has been lively during the opening exchanges.

14 min: Rodriguez is currently off the pitch getting a cut above his eye seen to. Not sure how he got it. Graeme Souness hasn’t been on the field, has he?

13 min: Henderson’s shot is harmless, but deflected wide left of the Real goal for a corner. Ronaldo heads the first set piece behind for a second corner. Gerrard loops it in, and Casillas flaps by his own right-hand post. Real eventually clear.

11 min: Liverpool pass it this way and that, but don’t really go anywhere. Gerrard gets fed up and has a dig 30 yards from goal. He swings a leg and sends a dipping shot up and down and towards the bottom left. Casillas parries clear.

8 min: But this is Real, and the first shot in anger this evening is taken by Ronaldo, who cuts in from the left, drops a shoulder past Henderson, and fires hard towards the bottom-left corner. Mignolet is behind it all the way, and snaffles safely.

6 min: Henderson swings a ball from the right towards Sterling, who is one on one with Arbeloa. The former Liverpool defender shoulders Sterling to the floor with some force. The ref says no foul, and it looks a fair enough challenge, side on, shoulder to shoulder, if a risky one. Liverpool are soon coming back at Real. Henderson feeds Sterling into the area with a sliderule pass down the right, but the young England star is offside. Liverpool look lively.

5 min: Isco feeds Marcelo down the left. Marcelo’s in a lot of space and advancing towards the box, but with white shirts in the area, flings a wild cross behind the goal to the right. The first sign of gaps in the Liverpool defence, though. “In my MBM Joy of Six, the first sentence of tonight’s preamble would be right up there,” writes Simon McMahon. “Dundee United, Barcelona, Liverpool, Real Madrid. It’s like a who’s who of the world’s great football clubs.” Yes, throw in Basingstoke Town and Buckie Thistle, and we’ve got ourselves an article.

4 min: Lovren, of all people, is free on the left and crosses into the box. Henderson takes down the ball, turns and shoots wildly over. He’s handled anyway. A frantic start. “Am I the only one who really fears for Gerrard tonight?” wonders Sasu Laaksonen. No. “He’s facing the best counter-attacking unit in the world and Toni Kroos - and he’s supposed to make a difference. Prediction: Gerrard’s on-going decline gathers pace tonight, and Balotelli gets the blame.”

2 min: Balotelli robs Isco in the middle of the park. He’s bearing down on the Real area, and has Sterling to his left, one on one with Varane. He should slide Sterling in, but opts for a solo run down the inside-right channel instead. You know how this ends up, and also how Sterling reacts.

And we’re off! Liverpool get the ball rolling. Within ten seconds, Henderson has clattered into Ronaldo. The only way is up.

The players were very keen to get going, rushing to their positions before the pre-match photos for Uefa’s anti-racism campaign could be taken. They all trot back and line up obediently. Then race off to their various posts again. Real Madrid have obviously won the toss, because Liverpool will be kicking towards the Kop in this first half, something they never choose to do.

The teams are out! Liverpool are in their famous all-red kit ...

... while Real Madrid are all white on the night.

The least surprising news of the evening? There’s one hell of an atmosphere at Anfield. You’ll Never Walk Alone was fairly belted out, the crowd doing their level best to drown out the Uefa Champions League anthem. And the pre-match hysteria doesn’t end there. “Form and recent results be damned!” chirrups Matt Dony. “This is what we’ve been waiting for for years, and I am excited. The Ludogorets game was, with all due respect, a bit of a non-event. A scrappy match against Basle was just a depressing early-00’s nostalgia trip akin to listening to Razorlight. But this. This is European football. Watch out, Dundee United, your record against Spanish footballing super-powers is about to get equalled.”

In other fate-tempting news, Graeme Souness has just been on Sky Sports calling out James Rodriguez as having it all to prove. Cue first-half hat-trick? Either way, it appears someone was taking notes on iconoclasm from Eamon Dunphy during his time with RTÉ.

Liverpool: Mignolet, Johnson, Skrtel, Lovren, Moreno, Sterling, Allen, Gerrard, Henderson, Coutinho, Balotelli.
Subs: Brad Jones, Toure, Lambert, Manquillo, Lallana, Can, Markovic.

Real Madrid: Casillas, Arbeloa, Varane, Pepe, Marcelo, Rodriguez, Kroos, Modric, Isco, Benzema, Ronaldo.
Subs: Navas, Khedira, Hernandez, Carvajal, Nacho, Illarramendi, Medran.

Referee: Nicola Rizzoli (Italy)

Another chance for Mario Balotelli to prove his worth, then. Liverpool make three changes from the travelling circus troupe that pitched up at Loftus Road last weekend: Alberto Moreno replaces the hapless José Enrique, while Joe Allen and Philippe Coutinho start this time.

Real Madrid meanwhile make three changes themselves: Karim Benzema returns after missing the 5-0 thrashing of Levante, while erstwhile Liverpool right back Alvaro Arbeloa and Raphael Varane are also named.

Just as Dundee United have Barcelona’s number - four competitive matches, four wins! - so Liverpool are the bosses of Real Madrid. The two clubs have 15 European Cups between them, but rather surprisingly have only played each other three times in all competitions. And Liverpool have won all three. They emerged kings of the Parc des Princes in the 1981 European Cup final, Alan Kennedy and all that. They won 1-0 at the Bernabeu in the first leg of a last-16 Champions League tie in 2009, Yossi Benayoun the hero there. And they utterly trounced Real 4-0 in the return leg of that rubber seven days later; Fernando Torres and Steven Gerrard did most of the damage, although Andrea Dossena is the man everyone remembers from that one.

Will Liverpool keep hold of their 100% record against Real after tonight’s highly anticipated encounter at Anfield? Time will tell, but the portents aren’t good. The red machine has been misfiring so far this season, Mario Balotelli a non-event up front, Gerrard looking leggy in midfield, the defence all over the shop, Simon Mignolet still unconvincing in goal. Their performance at QPR at the weekend was ... well, there’s no point piling on, everyone’s already had their say about that. Compare and contrast to Carlo Ancelotti’s European champions. They’ve won their last seven domestic and European games, a run which has included two 5-0s, two 5-1s, an 8-2, and 14 goals for Cristiano Ronaldo alone. Add in the fact that Madrid are unbeaten in their last three trips to Premier League opposition, while Liverpool have only won four of 14 home matches against Spanish sides, and Brendan Rodgers team have quite a job on this evening.

But this sort of test is what European football is all about. And Liverpool are all about European football. This is their first big-name encounter in the Champions League for five years, since - yes - that 4-0 win over Real. What they’d give for another famous win which would kickstart their season and give them some much-needed confidence for the rest of their Champions League campaign. Real, meanwhile, will have payback on their minds. Whatever happens to Liverpool’s pristine record over Real, this could be an encounter for the ages. It’s on!

Kick off: 7.45pm in Liverpool, 8.45pm in Madrid.