OLD SQUIRM

While it is not uncommon for Scottish Premiership sides to perform their own version of Brexit in August, something of a nadir seems to have been reached this time around. On Tuesday night, Celtic soiled the sheets against Lask in a spectacular act of self-sabotage, somehow contriving not to qualify for Bigger Cup’s league phase from a tie they led 4-0 on aggregate at one stage. While their humiliation was widely viewed as one for all of fitba, fans of Rangers won’t have shed any salty tears. However, their delight at the status of laughing stock visited upon their bitter rivals was hideously diminished when their own representatives from Ibrox travelled to Czechia, apparently under a banner that read “Haud our bevvies!”

Having already been knocked out of Bigger Vase in its preliminaries by a Polish team Football Daily had quite literally never heard of, Rangers pinned their hopes on qualifying for Tin Pot, a third-tier European competition a team of their status, wealth and reputation could realistically have hoped to have won. Instead, they were drummed out on penalties by Jablonec, following a performance so insipid and shameful their head coach may need a medical procedure to help his toes to uncurl. “I’m embarrassed with the performance,” sniffed Derek McInnes on at least four different occasions, after his side had failed to secure European group-stage action of any kind for the first time in nine years. “It wasn’t a good performance at any stretch of the imagination,” McInnes shrieked. “I’m mortified by the performance. I’ll take responsibility for the result, but the responsibility is shared. The players have got to be better than that.”

While his new team have already exited two different European competitions without properly entering them and are yet to secure their first win in the Scottish Premiership, McInnes hasn’t quite gone full Russell Martin, but is already under serious scrutiny. While his job is not yet in any danger, it would be fair to say the denizens of Ibrox almost certainly expected a lot more from him following his high-profile summer switch from Hearts, with whom he came this close to winning the league. On a night Motherwell and Hibernian were also dumped out of Tin Pot to leave Celtic and Hearts as the only Scottish representatives in European competition this season, it seemed fitba’s embarrassment was complete. At least that was until the Scottish FA chose today to stick a well-deserved boot into the league’s two big dogs while they’re already down.

As punishment for the unseemly pitch invasions which followed Celtic’s Scottish Cup quarter-final win over Rangers at Ibrox last season, both teams have been ordered to play their next home games in the competition behind closed doors, and will have to pay whoever they are drawn against £100,000. The two clubs have also been told they face a second home match without fans if there is a further incident of either side’s supporters engaging in “unacceptable conduct” in a Scottish Cup fixture. While fans of each Glasgow team have traditionally argued their unacceptable conduct is more acceptable than the unacceptable conduct of their rivals, it seems only fair at the end of a brutal week that the punishment meted out to both clubs is exactly the same.

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QUOTE OF THE DAY

“Watkins said sorry after Brighton. He made a mistake. He always had good behaviour in the club and with me. He’s a fantastic guy. I told him ‘bye’, with a huge hug and a small cry. Now it’s a new chapter with Nicolas Jackson. Of course all the best for [Ollie] in Saudi. We are replacing him” – Unai Emery reveals he shared an emotional goodbye with Ollie Watkins, before swiftly moving on.

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FOOTBALL DAILY LETTERS

Congratulations to the Reader Formerly Known as Phil Taverner on his letter o’ the day (Thursday’s letters). Not only did the name change bring him instant brand recognition, but, like ‘Sávio’ joining Spurs, it guarantees that any success from here on will be prizeless” – Justin Kavanagh.

Did Phil Taverner write both letters so he’d have a 100% chance of the prizeless win? If so, can I change my name to Phil Taverner?” – Julie Bebb.

May I be one of the 1,057 readers protesting against the display of not one, but two letters from Noble Francis yesterday. This is outrageous and flies in the face of established editorial standards! Also, in the spirit of Monty Python: I am Noble Francis, and so is my wife” – Rasteen Nowroozi.

Re: Thursday’s opening bombshell – ‘The transfer window isn’t an actual window.’ Mind blown! Thank you Football Daily for uncovering the truth” – Steve Mintz.

If you have any, please send letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s prizeless letter o’ the day goes to … Phil TavernerJustin Kavanagh. Terms and conditions for our competitions, when we run them, are here. 

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