90+3 min Newcastle are a really poor side, and might just find themselves in a relegation ruckus. Who is going to score their goals, and how will they be created?

90+2 Everton send on Hackney for George.

90+1 min We’ll have eight additional minutes; Everton clear the corner.

90 min Here come Newcastle though, Toure nashing down the left and taking Steur’s pass away from O’Brien before hitting the line and cutting back for Wissa! This is a chance! He spins, shoots low, and Pickford dives right, away from it … only to save with his feet! That’s excellent work, but really should’ve been the equaliser.

89 min In comes the corner and O’Brien leaves it for Tarkowski, who can’t control. Still, Everton are nearly there, while the home fans move mooths into circles, warming up for the inevitable full-time booing.

88 min George finds Dewsbury-Hall, whose cross is blocked behind for a corner – exactly what Everton want.

87 min Gwan Bazoumansa lad, it’s your big chance. He replaces Dedic and immediately, skates down the left, his cross not bad, but one Pickford is able to collect.

85 min Murphy sends over an outswinging cross, Osula pulling off Tarkowski. But, 15 yards out, he’s got to turn body and neck in different directions to flicks the ball towards the far post, the effort landing wide. Then, seconds later, Steur, who’s made a difference, finds Wissa, who shoots straight at Pickford from the edge.

84 min Newcastle are still to manage a shot on target. I don’t think the fans will tolerate much more of this.

82 min Change for Everton, Keane on for Branthwaite – who’s played fairly well and might just have the attributes to mature into a top player. But can he stay fit? Oh, and a couple of minutes ago, Johnson replaced Barry.

79 min Murphy crosses and Pickford punches, but Newcastle recycle and Dedic sidefoots into Ramsey’s path, begging to him to unleash a volley from the edge, which he does … and the contact is beautiful … but the effort skids just wide of the near post.

77 min Why did Newcastle sign Toure if they’re not going to use him when a goal down, in the closing stages, at home? How much worse can he be?

75 min Changes for Newcastle: Murphy and Ramsey for Elanga and Joelinton. Their team have a free-kick, following an unnecessary foul by Barry, but Barnes’ delivery is poor and O’Brien heads clear.

73 min Barry’s up and looks like he’ll be OK; Moyes is booked for coming on to the field to protest the decision. I’d be keen to hear VAR’s working because I think it’s clear Schar took man before ball.

72 min Hmmm, I’m not sure. I think the foot with which Schar plays the ball comes through Barry’s legs and catches him first, but VAR says not. Barry, meantime is down and in pain.

70 min And here comes one, Dewsbury-Hall finding Rohl down the right, and he crosses low, seeking Barry, but Schar slides in to get there first, just, before ploughing through the striker. Great tackle, provided he got there first; if not, VAR will have some thoughts.

70 min Newcastle are dominating now, but Everton might easily nobble them on the counter.

68 min “This is why I despise xG,” returns Maryb Waltz. “Does it indicate superior play? Or does it show an inability to finish? I lean towards the last question.”

I find it largely useless for individual games – we can watch those. It’s fairly useful as a predictor of the direction in which a team or player might go, looking at a raft of games.

66 min And again Barnes crosses to, the ball flicking off Dewsbury-Hall; Elanga sneaks around the back and looks certain to score, but his poke hits Mykolenko, the post and Pickford, rolling across the line, and Everton clear.

65 min A Barnes cross causes minor panic but Everton clear, though Newcastle maintain pressure.

64 min Changes for Newcastle, Steur and Wissa on for Gonzalez and Willock.

63 min Garner’s corner picks out Branthwaite at the far post and he heads down and for the near post, Hornicek doing well to tip behind; the following corner is punched clear weakly, but Garner’s ensuing shot foes out for a throw. It’s not entirely dissimilar to this:

62 min Everton counter, Dewsbury Hall collecting possession 25 yards out. He’s got Geroge to his left, but instead tries a curler and it’s going over, but Hornicek helps it on its way, conceding a corner in the process.

61 min Newcastle have improved a little, Elanga looking to get around the side of the Everton defence and crossing, the ball bouncing about before Willock heads for goal, Pickford fielding easily enough.

58 min Elanga shoots from distance and Garner wears it in the phizog; that should remind him he’s alive.

56 min The corner comes to nowt but Everton keep on Newcastle, who have been every bit as tediously tepid tonight as they were at Leeds and Coventry. The game being the game, if they don’t start playing soon, Matthias Jaissle will himself getting played.

55 min Newcastle were, I think booed off at half-time, and they’ve not played any better since then. Everton win a corner and though it’s cleared, they have Newcastle boxed, George crossing to the back pot where Branthwaite is up way above Hall, his header tipped behind by Hornicek.

53 min Back to Barry, the chance he took was unmissable, but what counts is that he was there. He never hides and, though some of his work is untidy, no striker takes every chance: what counts is having the goldfish memory to come back like it never happened.

51 min Yup, it’s a goal, one Everton have earned. But the way Newcastle allowed George to get away was amateurish in the extreme, Dedic and Elanga responsible for it.

50 min VAR wants a look: was Barry offside at the start of the move; was George; and did Barry foul Schar? I think the answer will be three nos, an arm catching the defender but as Barry ran into the box, propelling himself in the usual manner.

48 min It’s absolutely hosing down now, which might speed up the tempo; let’s hope so. Back on the pitch, Gonzalez gives it away and Barry gets to the ball before Joelinton, who leaves something on him; free-kick Everton, just outside the centre-circle.

47 min “If it helps",” writes Scott Blair, “it always cheers me up when yer man Dewsbury-Hall is playing because I can’t help thinking of a favourite song. I imagine this has been pointed out several times before, but still. If it’s a dull game...”

To me, he sounds like the venue for a Poirot, where we investigate the murder of the late Cissy Double-Barrelled.

46 min We go again…

Half-time email: “When the Founding Members of the S̶t̶o̶n̶e̶c̶u̶t̶t̶e̶r̶s̶ English Premier League met at a̶ ̶N̶u̶c̶l̶e̶a̶r̶ ̶F̶a̶l̶l̶ ̶O̶u̶t̶ ̶S̶h̶e̶l̶t̶e̶r̶ Lancaster Gate in 1991, they planned for Will Osula and Thierno Barry to headline a midweek EPL ‘cracker’ 25 years later?” wonders Chris Paraskevas. “Looks like everything is going to plan beautifully.”

Everton, at least, are trying to make things happen. I’ve not a clue what Newcastle are going for.

Half-time entertainment:

45+2 min Now Dewbury-Hall runs the channel at outside-left, looking up so that, with the defenders expecting another cross, he instead clips a cut-back to the edge, Armstrong arriving on to it. So he opens body to allow the ball across it, looking to use its passage to sidefoot tino the far corner … but he sends the effort wide.

45+2 min George wins it high and finds Dewsbury-Hall, the best player on the pitch, left-hand side. He swings in a delectable cross but, at the back post, a leaping Barnes does just enough to block O’Brien’s line of vision, and he can only bundle wide.

45+1 min “Yawn,” begins Evan Crocker. “As afternoon work from home games go, this one is making me long for a pointless meeting.”

Anyone got anything to add? Words which at once bring hope – are we done? – and dread – who are these guts with their hands raised?

45 min We’ll have two additional minutes.

44 min “San Mames surely the best” of the city-centre grounds, says Ian. I didn’t get to the original, and guess I’ve wiped the new rendition from my memory, having been there for the 2025 Europa League final. I quite liked it, though, and you can get a glass of wine very near to it for a price far more reasonable than I was expecting.

42 min I'll level with you: I’ve seen better games. We’re still without a shot on target, itself a reflection of incompetence, because barry didn’t even connect with the best opportunity to furnish us with one.

40 min Joelinton snaps in on George and Willock picks up the loose ball, then finds him. From 20 yards, he unloads the suitcase on a shot but, right of centre, he hits across the ball, so it screeches wide of the angle.

40 min “This match could do with Anthony Gordon,” reckons Kári Tulinius. “Though perhaps he needs a well-functioning attack to truly shine. Newcastle aren’t bad at attacking by Premier League standards, but constructing attacks seems like it’s a lost art in the Premier League. The expectation is that good players can do things on their own. So on second thought, this game doesn’t need Anthony Gordon, it needs a culture that values intricate attacking to come into being in England.”

Yup, I think the increased physicality, along with man-to-mark marking and analysis of everything means that, increasingly, teams are reliant on moments of inspiration for their goals.

38 min Slightly better from Newcastle, Barnes this time looking to curl low inside the near post; Branthwaite sticks out a leg to concede the corner … which comes to nowt.

37 min O’Brien comes up behind Hall, ball long gone, shoves him hard, and somehow escapes a caution.

36 min “Easter Road – with Sunshine on Leith echoing around the lovely place!” says Michael Watson of great town centre grounds, and didn’t it sound especially good yesterday. The best football anthem, by far.

34 min It’s Garner, who goes waist-high looking to pierce the wall, but it does its job.

32 min George into Barry, on the edge, Burn committing himself and introducing studs to ankle. He’s booked and Newcastle must now defend a free-kick that is probably a little closer than Garner and Dewsbury-Hall want.

31 min George into Barry, who flicks off for the the onrushing Dewsbury-Hall … to not quite collect. So Everton build again, the locals getting restless.

30 min Newcastle’s passivity is very strange. They’re at home and the crowd are struggling to get involved because there’s so little intensity on the pitch. As I type, Barnes again crosses to the back post, but Mykolenko gets up to head away.

27 min George wriggles space down the left and stands up a cross, but no one in the middle can quite get to it. Everton, though, are much the better side, Newcastle sitting off and letting them play.

27 min Great town-centre grounds of our time: St James’ Park, Millennium Stadium, Beskitas. Any more for any more?

25 min Everton keep looking for George, who oozes infield again, then whacks across a shot which sails away somewhere off towards Morpeth.

25 min This Newcastle kit: has someone gone into the Adidas office and said “Yeah, make it look like a proper barcode please”?

22 min Everton win a free-kick sent into the box, and Branthwaite is up to head back and dow for Barry, who’s away from his man, ball bouncing into stride. He might compose and sidefoot but instead rushes and laces fresh air, a waste of a decent opportunity. I’m not sure he’ll ever fully eradicate the carelessness in his game, but he can definitely get better at slowing himself down.

21 min George makes room to cross form the left and Armstrong, breaking into the box, can’t collect. But Barry picks up the loose ball, moves on one to Rohl … and his shot flies over the bar.

20 min Breaking Everton-adjacent news: Wayne Rooney will be in this year’s I’m A Celebrity. I think there’s a pretty good chance he wins.

17 min The corner isn’t bad, swung by Barnes to the back post, where Burn can’t quite get at it in the way that he’d like.

16 min Better from Dedic, who intimates going outside then comes in, finding Joelinton, who shoots from the edge … but Tarkowski heads the shot behind, pros being an entirely different breed.

15 min A foul from gGarner hands Newcastle a free-kick to toss into the box; Dedic’s nonsense effort flies behind.

13 min I’d really like it if, at some point, Merlin Rohl played in the same team as Enzo Le Fee. Toss in Benjamin Arthur and Diego Tristan and we’ve half a Camelot XI.

12 min Again, Everton put Rohl in a race with Hall, and again, he wins it, but Hall recovers to insert himself between man and ball to avert the danger – such as it is.

11 min ButBarnes finds Osula down the left, his cross flicking off Tarkowski, which allows Pickford to collect, under the bar.

10 min There’s not loads going on here.

8 min Just as I’m wondering if Everton think Rohl has pace and power on Hall, he’s sent a channel-ball to chase and wins it, but his cut-back is kicked away. The attack is, though, sustained, Dewsbury-Hall dribbling a shot from distance that’s so poor it almost works as a pass for Barry

7 min Barnes runs at O’Brien, who again looks for that back post, again crossing to no one.

5 min Given we’re dubious as to the qulity of attacking play we’ll see tonight, let’s remind ourselves of one for which this fixture is famous.

3 min George wriggles past Schaer – he’s really quick over the first three yards – and moves the ball infield, but Rohl’s cross is cleared easily enough.

3 min Hall finds Barnes, who drifts infield and looks to curl to the back post, where Branthwaite shepherds behind.

1 min Nice from Everton, O’Brien and Rohl exchanging passes to get their team moving down the right; a foul on Rohl means a free-kick near halfway, pumped into the box for Hornicek to claim.

1 min Away we go!

The Last Post will now be played, followed by a moment of silence, in honour of those who died fighting World Wars.

Our teams are tunnelled, and here they come.

Check this from 2m 45s. Thierno Barry wants it.

With an explainer here:

“We now seem to be entering the era of post-PiF takeover where Will Osula is officially considered crucial to our su̶r̶v̶i̶v̶a̶l̶ lower-mid-table hopes,” writes Chris Paraskevas. “That’s either a reflection of a sudden discovery of hidden talent in the lad *or* a desperate reflection of a disastrous transfer window under the David Hopkinson + MJ + Ross Wilson + PiF Rockstar Supergroup.

In any case I’m not too fussed about today’s defeat (any time Mary Waltz manages a comment, Everton beat us...it’s the Curse of the Waltz! and we can’t do anything to stop it)

At least our second-choice striker is fit and scoring (Dan Burn).”

I can’t get my head around how dull this Newcastle side is. There’s no player in the starting Xi I’m excited to see, who defenders will fear; it’s hard not to think Toure and Steur are performing miserably in training, otherwise why would they be getting so few minutes?

Jaissle tells Sky Elanga is improving physically and deserves to start today; he wants him and Osula to show their potential, and both have the speed to cause any defence problems. His team have to be ruthless in both boxes, using every opportunity to score, and if they do it should be a great result.

Moyes says Rohl is adaptable, likewise O’Brien, so moving them isn’t a problem. Every team knows every other team, so he’s not expecting any surprises.

Everton, meanwhile, wo’t be afraid to go long, with Barry contesting aerial balls and Rohl, Dewsbury-Hall and George looking to get in and around him. George, in particular, will be tasked with running at the newcastle defenders, while Dewsbury-Hall will look to prompt around the box, nudging balls in behind or shooting, and box-crash with make third-man runs. Otherwise, Barry will look to run off the centre-backs, who don’t have the pace to keep up, and look for one-touch close-range finishes.

So where is the game? Newcastle will, I think, look to defend pretty deep, partly because the lack pace at the back, but also because they want to create space to counter. Elanga is brilliant on the break, but Barnes can also run, likewise Willock, whose eye for a goal is excellent. I also think they’ll want Gonzalez to control the play, with Joelinton often ahead of the ball looking to win high turnovers – they’ll reckon he has the physicality to get after Garner – and also send their full-backs forward so the wingers can attack the box, with crosses and cut-backs directed at Osula.

“Your note about not expecting a goalfest doesn’t tell the half of it,” sighs Matt Burtz. “One thing I’ve learned from watching Everton over the last 15 years is that I can usually expect defensive solidity while at the same time experiencing a distinct lack of attacking prowess. The last time Everton scored 50+ goals in the league was 2018-19. Somehow they managed 62 league goals in 2016-17, which was, not coincidentally, Romelu Lukaku’s last season at Goodison, when he banged in 25. The last time they scored 70? You have to go back to their last league title, 1986-87, when they played 42 games. (They were also relegated in 1929-30 despite scoring 80 because they contrived to allow 92, so maybe free flowing football isn’t always the answer).”

Yup, since the Dogs of War days in the mid-90s, Everton have been dogged rather than inspired. It’s a long time since they were the School of Science, or as fun to watch as the 1984-85 champions.

Email! “Greetings from California,” begins Mary Waltz. “The day before America hopefully begins to end the Trump delusion half of our citizens have been under. And then there is my beloved Everton, who can’t seem to catch a break. I get suspending Grealish but we simply do not have the depth to replace his ability to generate attacking chances.”

I’m looking forward to seeing how Tyrique George gets on in his stead, though, and it also means there’s more chance Dibling gets a go. And ultimately, those lads are the future of Everton, not Grealish – though the may well miss him in the short term.

David Moyes, meanwhile, also makes two changes. Jarrad Branthwaite returns after two games missed following concussion protocol, so too Harrison Armstrong. I doubt the away following will be chuffed that it’s Hayden Hackney and Tyler Dibling dropping out, but to accommodate the changes, Merlin Rohl moves forward from right-back to right-wing, with Jake O’Brien moving out of the middle to fill his old spot.

The big news for Newcastle is that Anthony Elanga returns to the starting XI, for the first time since diddling his hamstring at Millwall nearly two months ago. He and Joelinton are the two changes to the side which lost at Everton last midweek, Jacob Ramsey and Jacob Murphy dropping to the bench. But equally important is the news that Osula is fit enough to start.