Morning everyone.

Things that are worth getting out of bed for at 8 in the morning include: your boss's wrath, a hearty breakfast, the sun. Things that aren't worth getting out of bed for at 8 in the morning include: a backline combination of Flood, Noon and Tindall.

Noon and Tindall? Why not just put a pair of sandbags in midfield? Andy Robinson wept. WTF? It's a frustrating regression in selection from England.

At least the outstanding Danny Care is in at scrum-half. "At the end of the day we're looking for the next generation of players to stand up and take responsibility". These are the words coming out of Rob Andrew's weirdly glistening smoothy-chops face on my TV screen. "Really? So why have you picked Noon and Tindall?" the interviewer didn't say.

So yeah, that huge grey thing standing in the corner? That'd be the elephant. Massive isn't it? And on that note, here's Gary Naylor, the only other man up and on the site at this time of day: "Why not e-mail him?" Because everything I can think of is in poor taste, libelous or both. And that's just about the All Blacks."

Was it just me. or did the team selections both seem to be tacit admitions that England have no chance of winning this. This is what they look like:

England: Tait; Ojo, Tindall, Noon, Varndell; Flood, Care; Payne, Mears, Stevens, Palmer, Borthwick (capt), Haskell, Rees, Narraway.
Replacements: Hobson, Paice, Kay, Worsley, Richards, Barkley, Croft.

New Zealand: MacDonald; Sivivatu, Kahui, Nonu, Wulf; Carter, Ellis; Tialata, Hore, Somerville, Thorn, Williams, Thomson, McCaw (capt), So'oialo.
Replacements: Mealamu, Woodcock, Boric, Lauaki, Cowan, Donald, Muliaina.

Just the three wet behind the ears debutants for New Zealand then.

I'm disgusted. The canteen is shut. What the hell is a man meant to do for breakfast? Jesus wept. And Andy Robinson too. And Andy Bull. Oh look: the haka.

Last time I watched New Zealand, they were being dumped out of the world cup by France. Sorry boys, the shtick is just not that scary anymore. That said, I've never had to face it. "Sometimes in the South Island they have a thing called 'whispering death' when the dew comes down" says Stuart Barnes. Eh?

3min: Penalty Carter Carter kicks off, and England immediately turn the ball over to Nonu, Mears conceding a penalty for holding onto the ball as they do so. A fine start for England then puts them 3-0 down.

6 min Having regathered the ball from the kick off, Flood lofts up a garryowen, sending Tindall bustling after it. New Zealand gather it and clear to touch. England win the resulting line-out and Matt Stevens takes the ball on, winning a penalty from Brad Thorne for a high tackle. Flood kicks long into the 22, but New Zealand's forwards hold the ensuing drive easily, win a penalty and kick downfield. A fruitless use of possession for England.

9 min Flood, playing with a neat touch of speed, reacts quickly to a penalty by booting the ball into space behind Sivivatu on the left, giving Varndell a chance to run. Sivivatu is equal to it though, and shepherds the ball into touch. Good play from England at the following line-out: the ball goes short, and Haskell swings around the short side, sprinting up the touch line, he offloads to Care, who runs out of options and chips aimlessly ahead. Good play, but no points.

12 min Ridiculously, Ali Williams is turned over by Matt Tait in midfield. Again Flood opts to go up and under with the possession, squandering it. TRY Pathetic. Carter breaks a weak tackle from Noon, runs wide and skins Tindall. He then feeds Kahui who runs in for the try. Carter takes the conversion, and England's supposedly rock-solid midfield has just been absolutely humiliated. What a joke. I'm going back to bed.

15 min It was great play by Carter mind, but the fact that he beat both Noon and Tindall is just too absurd after all the talk about England's selection strategy this week. What a bunch of toasters. Ali Williams has gone off injured, replaced by Boric.

18 min "Poor Andy. You have to get up early, watch the rugby, write sarcastic comments and get paid for it - what a hard life you must lead ! Never heard of a flask and sarnies?" Fred Blogs - if I didn't know better I'd say you were jealous. Poor man. Things have got to a sorry state in life indeed when you're torn up by envy for a guardian hack. Have I heard of them? Yes. Could I be fugged to get out of bed and prepare them? Take a guess. Oh look Kahui has absolutely shredded England again... all the way downfield on a diagonal towards the right corner. It takes a brilliant cover tackle by Flood to ed the move, forcing his man into touch. Mike Ford must be feeling a right prat on the evidence of this match so far.

21 min Penalty Winning a penalty from a collapsed scrum in their own 22, England decide to try and run the ball upfield from their own line. Danny Care, bless him, makes a fine 25 yard break, and Mears then gives away a penalty. D'oh. Carter lines up the shot at goal, slots it over (inevitably) and this is turning into a rout.

24 min Another garryowen from England, straight from the kick off. This time though Haskell takes the catch and speeds on through, feeds Varndell outside him and the sprint is on... but he can't beat Leon MacDonald. Varndell is forced into touch, just, his left knee grazing the line. Poor. As the commentators are pointing out, opportunities like that are exactly what Varndell is in the side for. Palmer does well to steal the following line-out, but it comes to nothing.

27 min Campbell Geeves is suffering the Australian dilemma: "In Noumea, New Caledonia, listening to the AFL (Richmond by 27 over Port) streaming live, and waiting for the carnage to begin. Unsure which side i despise the most, probably NZ, for no particular reason..." Yeah, on what we've seen so far hating England just isn't worth your time Campbell, I'd just pity them. While I've been tying this the video ref has been examining a replay of another possible Kiwi try, deciding finally that Matt Tait held the ball up (brilliant play by him). TRY! So it's a five-metre scrum. Much good may it do England: from the scrum New Zealand snap a set play, run some dummy lines and Carter ghosts through the line for an easy easy try, humiliating a baffled-looking Tindall in the process.

30 min In that last rather breathless passage of play New Zealand lost Richie McCaw, limping off, and England lost Flood, who was hobbled making that cover tackle. Olly Barkley is on at fly-half then, where he's hardly played this season. Nice time to come on this, 20 points down. Talk about a hospital pass.

33 min Inspired by Care, England take a quick penalty. Haskell runs on with Palmer in support. A little while on and it's an England scrum five yards out. The move splutters to nothing, the ball is turned over and Kahui clears.

36 min This is just humiliating. A great run by Tait, beating two tacklers, takes him out to the right wing. Out of options, he chips ahead. A little luck means the ball evades the clutches of the defender and sits up for Tait at the very point he's crossing the line. A golden chance, an absolute sitter... which he fumbles, the ball squirming out of his grasp and sliding away over the turf. Abject. England should have two scores by now. Not none. Like the rest of us, the England XV included, Fred Blogs has given up: "All right - I give up !! Am in Seville, it´s a lovely 32º outside. So all Ive got to do is: feed baby, change nappy, clear up his brother´s vomit and go outside to the park. All infinitely better than following another humiliation."

40 min "England don't want to win this game , they want it to be over so they can get on a plane home..." amen to that Ravi Motha, "It also feels like Toby Flood has been told to test the Kiwis under the high ball, as opposed to say running at their occasionally fragile defence. I blame Rob Andrew, and the players and the weather." Well that's not a bad list of excuses (does the fact we're managed by Rob Andrew count as an excuse?). Two pluses for England in the first half? Care and Haskell, both outstanding. The camera cuts to Andrew in his management box. Chewing his lip. Chump. The siren blows and the torrid half has come to an end.

HALF-TIME and another forty minutes of carnage to come.

43 min Good work by Tom Rees wins England win a penalty from the kick off, and Barkley promptly decides to have a pop at goal. He does, and misses. Even though he was straight in front and on the 22. Then grins like a goddamn chump. Barkley's goalkicking under pressure - as he showed during Bath's Premiership semi-final against Wasps - isn't international standard. England should now have had a minimum of ten points, and if you toss in Varndell's near-miss too they'd be just three points behind.

46 min Penalty Haskell gives away a penalty for coming into a ruck from the side, and, because he threw the ball away afterwards, gives away ten extra yards too. That brings them within goal kicking range, so Carter lines up another kick at goal. The camera cuts away to Rob Andrew swigging forlornly at a can of Red Bull.

49 min Another penalty in the NZ 22 foe England, and again Care takes a tap. They win only a scrum. "It is also a lovely summer's mid-afternoon and +25 in Moscow," glad to hear it, Marcus Guest, "but I am stuck indoors doing quantitative analysis for my business degree [despite not passing GCSE maths many years ago]. the humiliation of the inevitable defeat and the sarcastic writing are the only things keeping me sane". The humiliation of defeat is keeping you sane? Strange man. From the scrum Care takes a tap penalty after New Zealand are pinged by Kaplan. TRY! Great pace from Care, cutting through on a diagonal past Sivivatu and So'oialo. A fine reward for a Care, who has been the best English back by a distance. Barkley converts.

52 min TRY Ellis to Carter to Nonu to Sivivatu: a great, great piece of intertwined back play, and that's another try for New Zealand. Yeah, those thoughts you were just having about England crawling out if this with some dignity? Forget about that.

55 min Carter is having an unbelievable game. This guy is just on a different level to anyone in the England side. The pop-pass to make that last try was just superb.

58 min "Do you think Rob Andrew's drinking Red Bull so it will give him wings, thereby enabling him to avoid the post-match press conference?" BOOM BOOM John Everington BOOM BOOM. England are bringing on Tom Croft and Joe Worsley for Narraway and Rees.

61 min The one are where England have had an advantage is in the line-out, and again here they've stolen the New Zealand ball, Tom Croft banging referee Kaplan to the turf as he bundles through. Unfortunately Care then throws an interception and the Blacks break upfield through Kahui. New Zealand bundle their way up to the line, and as they push over Tindall infringes. Kaplan hands him a ten-minute stint in the sin bin for his troubles, and he trots off shaking his head like a proper chump. TRY England then concede a desperately soft score to Lauaki. Carter converts.

64 min Rob Andrew is now bright red in the face, wearily rubbing his hands over his forehead. A man down, England aren't even in this. Here's Roger Donaldson, sailing desperately close to the wind: "I think the trouble with England is that if the news reports of the last week are anything to go by, only half the players are interested in scoring, and the other half are happy to stand around watching them." Erm, moving swiftly on then...

67 min As Haskell takes a quick tap England go through hands after hands after hands searching for the try line. Ojo breaks the line, but only has Worsley in support. He fumbles, but Care is there behind him to recover. TRY. Care feeds Tait, who then lofts a lovely pass over the defender to Varndell on the right wing, who has nothing to do but glide over and finish the score. A good response. Barkley spoons the kick wide right.

71 min "Even our hit on the ref Kaplan lacked any major physical punch..." grumbles Luke Partridge, who is "a Pom in Sydney", poor chap. Ben Kay comes on for England.

74 min "Do you think Cipriani would have made a difference to this dross?" wonders Ross Haybourne. Not enough of one, no. Someone who might have made a difference is Martin Johnson. England have just brought on Brizzle's Richard Hobson. After Sivivatu is denied a try for some infringement (unseen by me) Tait is fed an absolute shocker of a hospital pass in midfield in England's 22. He's is absolutely destroyed by Kahui, bumped to earth where he lies flat on his back. They clashed heads, and to his credit Kahui sat over Tait, and checked if he was OK, quickly calling over the ref when he realised that actually, no, he wasn't. His blood-splattered frame is carried off the pitch and Peter Richards is on. As a winger. Phrrrt.

77 min Carter, his work done, goes off for New Zealand. Yeah I know i wrote that like ten minutes ago, but I was wrong. Noon takes the ball in midfield and turns desperately looking for support before he's swarmed and swamped by three black shirts, the look on his face rather summing up this entire tour.

80 min This sorry shambles enters its final minutes. As the hooter blows New Zealand are rampaging towards the line. They win a penalty, and the crowd roars them on. Donald lofts a high kick towards the far right corner, where Tom Varndell is all on his own. He leaps to gather, and fumbles the ball onto turf, where Somerville touches down for a final score. The ref sends it to video review though, and it's disallowed. No matter: New Zealand simply regather and come on again. TRY. This time it is Jimmy Cowan bullocking over the line, the try as given and the humiliation is complete. MacDonald converts and the slaughter is over.

Let us never speak of this again. Those of you looking for relief will be pleased to hear that I'm about to switch over to OBO coverage of England v New Zealand round two, in which we have a far better chance of winning. If the rain allows us to get any play in. See you there once I've found some breakfast.