Fans of all the big clubs won't agree, of course, but most right-thinking football supporters would have been hoping for the following FA Cup semi-final line-up: Coventry City, Fulham, Burnley or Hull, Middlesbrough.

But after the first quarter final, they'll have to settle for this: Chelsea, Fulham, Burnley or Hull, Middlesbrough.

Although what's probably going to happen is this: Chelsea, Quintuple-Chasing Manchester United™, Arsenal, Everton.

Quintuple-Chasing Manchester United™'s inevitable victory begins at: 5.15pm. I'll be here with the teams at around 4.30pm, though that's just a rough guess.

Fulham - who haven't beaten a top-flight club in the cup since 2004, and haven't won here against Quintuple-Chasing Manchester United™ since 1964 - are unchanged from the team that lost against Hull in midweek: Schwarzer, Pantsil, Hangeland, Hughes, Konchesky, Davies, Etuhu, Murphy, Dempsey, Zamora, Johnson.
Subs: Zuberbuhler, Nevland, Gera, Kamara, Dacourt, Stoor, Kallio.

Quintuple-Chasing Manchester United™ - who have scored at least two first-half goals in five of their last seven matches against Fulham - let Cristiano Ronaldo have the day off: Van der Sar, O'Shea, Ferdinand, Vidic, Evra, Fletcher, Carrick, Anderson, Park, Rooney, Tevez.
Subs: Foster, Berbatov, Giggs, Scholes, Welbeck, Evans, Eckersley.

Whistling for his supper: Mike Dean (Wirral)

"I'll be here with the teams at around 4.30pm, though that's just a rough guess." OK, so it wasn't so much 4.30pm as nearly 5pm. So sue me! [Legal disclaimer: Please do not sue me.] '"That certainly was a rough guess," chides Mac Millings. "Let's hope your prediction of a Quintuple-Chasing Manchester United™ victory carries a similar gloss of award-winning Guardian accuracy." Yeah, but it's all part of our ersatz charm. In other news, Sean Ingle had £20 on Lincoln to win at Grimsby. You love us!

The teams are waiting by the cottage to run out onto the pitch. Danny Murphy slugs from a pouch of Lucozade, while Mike Dean stuffs a strip of chewing gum into his yap. What is this? A picnic?

Rio Ferdinand pops a bit of pickle on a slab of cheddar. Dickson Etuhu cuts himself a slice of chorizo. John O'Shea has a lovely piece of quiche. Then Dean rolls up the checked cloth, pops everything back in the basket, and Fulham kick off. The ball's lost in superquick time, but United waste none of theirs in hoofing it hopelessly forward, allowing Schwarzer to claim. Maybe everyone has indigestion.

2 min: Johnson, foraging down the right, has two attempts at finding Zamora in the centre. The first is hopeless, the second finds him offside.

3 min: Hangeland swishes at a clearance but can only stroke the ball straight to Rooney, 20 yards out. The striker's first time ball out right finds Tevez, who hammers a superlative low drive towards the left-hand corner. Schwarzer gets down low and gets a strong hand to the ball, which, with Rooney lurking, is swept behind by Pantsil. Two corners follow, further excitement doesn't. That was dreadful by the Fulham central defender; he owes his keeper one.

6 min: There's a lot of slack play at the moment: Etuhu has options out left but lets the ball clank off his shin, allowing Fletcher to spirit it away. Fletcher then tries to find Rooney up front with one of the most agricultural hoofs you'll ever see. Both sides had a chance to break there.

8 min: Fletcher gives away a needless corner. Davies swings it in, but O'Shea heads clear. The ball's quickly coming back at United, though, Dempsey twisting and turning down the left wing and so nearly passing O'Shea and scooting into the box. But the whole ball - incorrectly - is judged to have rolled out of play; goal kick. A bright start by both teams, here.

11 min: United haven't found any rhythm yet. That Tevez shot apart, this is quite an uncertain start. "May I suggest that you could perhaps put a hyphen in 'Quintuple-Chasing'?" writes Mark Taylor. Good point, well made. I might get onto that in a bit. But you do know which newspaper this is, yes?

14 min: Johnson wafts a leg at a long ball from Davies - and though he's trying to trap it, pokes it past Van der Sar, who has raced out of his goal! The ball rolls agonisingly slowly towards the open goal - but Vidic is travelling faster, and hacks off the line. What a defensive shambles from the normally watertight United.

16 min: United are really on the ropes here. Johnson slips the ball down the right for Zamora, who swings a cross into the centre for Dempsey. The American sends a decent header towards the top-left corner - but Van der Sar is there to pluck it out of the air en route. Great football all round. It's not often United are so obviously on the back foot like this.

18 min: In the centre of the pitch, Murphy steals the ball off a lumbering Carrick and pings it forward to Johnson. Johnson sends it to the edge of the area, where Zamora awaits just to the right of goal. His first-time shot is a dreadful shank, flying miles wide right of the target.

20 min: GOAL! Fulham 0-1 Quintuple-Chasing Manchester United™. And after 20 uncertain minutes, United get the opening goal. It's so simple too: from an Anderson corner on the right, Rooney flicks on to Tevez at the far post. Totally unmarked, with Konchesky standing around doing nothing, the Argentinian nuts home into the top-left corner from two yards.

23 min: Rooney tries to score from his own half. His effort is only just over the bar, but Schwarzer always had it covered. A minute earlier Dempsey had gone down in the United area, chasing a long ball with Vidic, but while the crowd screamed for a penalty, the player keeps mum.

26 min: United pass it around for a good minute or so. Anderson suddenly slips a pass straight down the middle of the pitch, Rooney springing clear from the left, rounding Schwarzer on the right, and knocking the ball home. But he's this much offside. That really was borderline, but just about right.

27 min: United pass it around for a good minute or so. Tevez suddenly slips a pass straight down the middle of the pitch, Rooney springing clear from the left, and clipping the ball past Schwarzer. But his effort is this much too far wide right.

29 min: The ball suddenly drops to Davies's feet ten yards from goal. He's got time to trap, but takes a first-time swipe, looking to curl an effort from the right of goal into the top-left corner. It's a wild effort, sailing into the sky.

31 min: Rooney should have scored here. Park bursts down the inside-right channel and cuts the ball across to the striker, who sidefoots onto the left-hand post with at least half of the goal gaping. A poor miss, but more lovely movement by Rooney, who suddenly looks very much in the mood.

33 min: Murphy pings a delicious ball forward, straight down the pitch, for Zamora to chase. The striker would have reached it first, had the ball not spun viciously backwards upon landing; Vidic reads the spin like Kevin Pietersen and sweeps the ball away to safety.

35 min: WONDERFUL GOAL!!! Fulham 0-2 Quintuple-Chasing Manchester United™. Tevez picks the ball up on the halfway line, zips down the inside-left channel, cuts inside the flailing Etuhu, and hammers an outswinging shot into the top-right corner. That was beautifully done - though the hapless Etuhu apart, Fulham's defenders made no challenges to Tevez whatsoever, choosing instead to jog backwards sheepishly. This is over.

39 min: Etuhu drives forward, slipping the ball to Zamora on the edge of the area. The impressive Zamora, his back to goal, backheels the ball through space towards Johnson, who gets ahead of Ferdinand... but from eight yards, can't get a shot on goal, his effort being blocked by Ferdinand, who never gave up.

41 min: O'Shea pulls Zamora around by the shirt - in the area. The Fulham striker claims for a penalty, but doesn't get it. That would have been harsh, but had he gone down under the challenge, it might have been a different story. Seconds later, Zamora springs clear into the area, catching Ferdinand back on his heels. He hesitates, though, allowing Van der Sar to smother at his feet from a tight angle. Fulham have had their chances here... but, y'know, this is over.

44 min: United pass it around for a good couple of minutes. Eventually Carrick rolls the ball down the inside-right channel for O'Shea, who hammers a shot towards the top-right corner. Schwarzer parries round the post.

HALF TIME: Fulham 0-2 Quintuple-Chasing Manchester United™. Murphy tries to send Johnson free down the right, but the scooped pass has much too much weight on it. And that's that. A strange half of football from United, who have rocked again and again at the back - yet have spent much of their time stroking it around with almost obscene arrogance. Which, you have to say, they've earned.

ITV try to ramp up the excitement: Gabriel Clarke interviews former Fulham midfielder Alan Mullery. Have Fulham got any chance of turning this round?
"No."
"Come on, Alan, give us some hope!"
"No."

And we're off again! Ferdinand, who might have picked up a minor injury after going over an ankle late in the first half, is replaced by Evans. Ferguson takes a bloody age to jog across the pitch to the dugouts, then mouths "fucking hell" through the world's biggest-ever mouthful of gum. Are Wrigley's happy to be associated with such base language? They should sue.

47 min: Fulham win an early corner, but Davies can't get it past Vidic at the front post.

49 min: From the right wing, Zamora sends an inswinging cross towards the far post. Dempsey can't quite get his head to it, and the ball bounces wide left of goal.

50 min: WE'RE ALL DONE HERE. Fulham 0-3 Quintuple-Chasing Manchester United™. Tevez and Rooney exchange a couple of passes on the edge of the area. The former rolls it to the latter, just to the left of goal. Rooney threads it into the bottom-right corner of the net.

MULTIPLE-CHOICE QUIZ
1. When did football stop being competitive?
A: 1992

52 min: Eckersley comes on for O'Shea.

54 min: Fulham haven't got a clue what to do here.

57 min: Murphy is replaced by Dacourt. "Quintuple is an absurd word and it's absurd that it can even be contemplated," writes Gary Naylor. "A bunch of whingers on Five Live last night were berating Platini and Blatter for their plans to introduce 6+5 and other ideas to increase competitiveness in football. Platini and Blatter may well dislike the power of the Premier League and its top sides, but they are not alone, even in this country."

59 min: Park cuts inside from the left and wallops a low drive towards the bottom-left corner. Schwarzer has it covered.

60 min: Kamara replaces Johnson. "I like the timing of the goals," writes Christopher Boone... sorry, Lizz Poulter. "Can we hope for the next on 65 mins and the fifth on 80?" Speaking of maths, my level of interest in this game is inversely proportional to the size of United's lead.

63 min: See 59 minutes. This is getting old. United are so far ahead of Fulham it's untrue.

64 min: Rooney, who has just had a little hot-headed grapple with Dempsey, is replaced soon after by Welbeck. With Ferguson having used all his subs, Fulham's only hope now is in the pinging of about five United hamstrings.

67 min: Dempsey heads a right-wing cross over the bar from eight yards. Gera replaces Zamora. Business news now. "I have been in France for a while so may have missed something," begins Clive Warren, "but as Fayed is bankrolled by RBS, "surely Fulham FC is now owned by the taxpayer? Shouldn't you expect more for your money?"

68 min: Pantsil is yellow carded for cracking Park upside his head while jumping for a high ball.

69 min: Tevez twists and turns down the inside-left channel, making Hughes look very confused indeed. He eventually slaps a shot into the side netting from six yards out. "Alan Mullery may as well have answered the following questions," suggests Justin Kavanagh. "Does this competition have a future? Does competitive football in England have a future? Manchester United might be great to watch - occasionally - but now any sense of occasion seems to come only when they play in Europe."

72 min: Gera rolls the ball across the centre of the pitch, straight to Tevez. That is terrible. Tevez romps forward, then tries to free Park down the left. Park checks, however, and the ball bounces harmlessly out of play.

76 min: Fulham pass it around a lot in their own half, but go absolutely nowhere. United are quite happy to keep chugging along like this.

79 min: Dacourt is booked for a late swipe at Park's standing leg.

81 min: GOAL! Fulham 0-4 Quintuple-Chasing Manchester United™ Tevez passes up a very presentable opportunity to score his hat-trick goal, passing to Welbeck from eight yards when it was surely easier to score. No matter: seconds later, Gera gives the ball away in midfield - again. This time Park picks it up: he cuts inside from the left and steers a shot into the bottom-right corner. And to think this looked like a really decent contest for the first 20 minutes.

86 min: We're just running down the clock here. "Why all this moaning about a lack of competitiveness?" asks Edward Taylor. Eh? Whyever not? "Between 1998 and 2008 there were seven different winners of the Champions League. Hardly a malaise is it? Cheer up people!" Fair point. And in England?

88 min: Tick tock, tick tock.

89 min: Tick tock, tick tock.

90 min: Tick tock, tick tock.

FULL TIME. Fulham 0-4 Quintuple-Chasing Manchester United™. Well, United were very impressive for the last 70 minutes of that game. Fulham, however, decided to lay down and die just after they conceded the first goal. Like Alex Ferguson and his men will care: they join Chelsea in the semi-finals of the FA Cup.