‘LASER’ JOURNALISM
Some cynics would have you believe that parts of the British economy are propped up by an arms industry that sells weapons to dictators and royal families who’ve got a thing about killing civilians who quite fancy getting the vote. But it turns out our arms dealers missed a trick when they were messing around with surface-to-innocent bystander missiles; instead they should have been concentrating on something deadlier than the Grim Reaper munching on a nightshade sandwich while watching Kiss Me Deadly on a TV made of cyanide: a laser pen.
Yup, Uefa suits have thrown away their buffet lunches in disgust after some Marseille fans shone a green laser at Nani during last night’s 0-0 Big Cup draw against Manchester United. Now, if Uefa was really serious about safety it would have launched an investigation into how the two teams managed to endanger the sanity of millions of viewers - including the Grim Reaper who had flicked over during the adverts - by staging a contest more soporific than Wee Willie Winkie in his jim-jams supping some Ovaltine.
In fact, the game was so dull that it managed to make a 1-0 involving Stoke City interesting. Arsenal beat the Potters to close the gap at the top but Theo Walcott sustained knack that means he will miss Sunday’s League Cup final. Cesc Fabregas is a doubt too. “I don’t know if I’ll make Sunday or no, but all I know is that from this moment to Sunday 16:30 I won’t sleep if it’s necessary. I’ve waited too long to captain a final for Arsenal and I won’t give up till the last second.” Just what Arsenal need: a Christian Bale in the Machinist-style chronic insomniac turning up 30 minutes late for kick-off.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“When I walked into the changing room with my bag, the boys were staring at me, not really believing it. They did crack some jokes but I know them well and after that everything was good” - we’re not saying that St Pauli defenders are thin on the ground, but the club’s 30-year-old press officer Hauke Bruckner has been drafted in to face Hannover this weekend.
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FIVER LETTERS
“Forget TV money and parachute payments. This is the definition of inequality: Leyton Orient draw with Arsenal and get a trip to Vegas, while Tottenham lose to Blackpool and enjoy a week in Dubai” - Raphael.
“On the subject of Ferg as Gandhi (yesterday’s Fiver), no way! Aside from no known predilection for throwing football boots at over-hyped pretty-boys, Gandhi was fundamentally opposed to the idea of a men in red coats/shirts dominating everything” - Nick Young.
“Re: you being a ‘U certificate football email’ (yesterday’s Fiver). U for underwhelming?” - Philip Culleton.
“If Jeremy James (yesterday’s Fiver letters) wishes to keep driving into the Straits of Messina when he reaches the port at Villa San Giovanni then good luck to him. Personally I think I’d just wait for the ferry the ‘nice guys at Google Maps’ clearly tell me will be on its way. It’s probably a fair bit cheaper than splashing out £120,000 on an amphibious Lotus Elan, although it’s admittedly unlikely to be as much fun” - Jon Miles.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver.
BITS AND BOBS
Bradford manager Peter Taylor has agreed to leave Valley Parade by mutual consent after this Saturday’s match with Stockport. No news yet as to whether Junior Lewis will be joining him.
Manchester City will be without over £50m of talent when they face Aris tonight: in addition to injuries to Shay Given, Adam Johnson and Nigel de Jong, they have lost Micah Richards to calf-ouch and James Milner to hamstring-gah.
Bulgarian club Lokomotiv Plovdiv reportedly sacrificed a lamb on their pitch last night before daubing its blood on the goalposts in the hope it will improve the team’s performances.
And to highlight just how slow a news day it is, Hereford boss Jamie Pitman says he’ll decide whether to extend the loans of Harry Pell and Waide Fairhurst as and when the time comes.
STILL WANT MORE?
Let this week’s Classic YouTube leave you pining for the glory days of the Flying Postman at the 1992 Rumbelows Sprint.
Arsene Wenger is tantalisingly close to the glorious formula he craves, writes Paul Hayward.
Daniel Taylor explains why Darron Gibson proved he’s no Paul Scholes in Marseille.
And today’s Football League blog lip service is paid to Burton Albion.
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POOR BINKIE
• This article was amended on 19 October 2023 to remove some personal information.
