There was one in Bilbao, two in Elche, and three in San Sebastián. There were four in Córdoba, four in Barcelona and four in Madrid. There were five in Valencia, six in Villarreal and 10 in A Coruña. Up in the offices of the sports newspaper AS, collars tightened, glasses steamed up and they were cackling away like Sid James, splurging a huge yellow headline across the front page that declared “An orgy of goals”. Meanwhile, over at Marca something fishy was going on. Going on the cover, that is. “Eight mackerels,” cheered the headline.

A mackerel, you see, is a goal: a chicharro. Some have suggested that it may have originally come from chícharo, or chickpea, hence Javier Chicharito ‘Little Pea’ Hernández, and it does at least vaguely resemble a football. And others have suggested that it may have originated with chicharrón, pork scratching, although that makes even less sense. But it’s definitely a fish. A tasty one transferred to goals as a simple superlative, perhaps, or maybe originally as a reward too.

It couldn’t be that unusual: the scoreboard at Oviedo used to announce “every goal a lobster”, a crustacean from the local fishmonger for the man who got it; at Real Sociedad, Xabi Alonso’s mates bought him a sea bass per goal; and Athletic Bilbao’s Ibai Gómez gets a kilo of cod for charity when he finds the net.

Whatever it really means, there were plenty of fish in the sea. Marca and AS were only talking about Real Madrid when they could have been talking about the whole of Spain – and you can insert your own punchline here – after a weekend in which there were goals everywhere. With Getafe still to play Valencia on Monday night, there have not been any 0-0s. Instead, there have been 39 goals. And that’s just in the First Division. Down in the Second Division, Osasuna came back from 3-1 down to beat Mallorca 6-4, the biggest scoreline there in 54 years. And in Group I of the division below that there were three in the last three minutes as Sporting Gijón B drew 3-3 with Cultural Leonesa and Oviedo went top by hammering the leaders Guijuelo 4-0.

In the first division it finished 27-12 and in favour of the away teams.

Jhon Córdoba might not be able to spell his own name right but he did finish neatly when Granada beat Athletic Bilbao at San Mamés. Eibar won their first ever away game in the First Division by becoming the first team to beat Elche at the Martinez Valero in 2014, led by a superb opening goal from Dani García after just two minutes. And there’s no sign of that Real Sociedad; this time there was no comeback as they lost at Almería. Those three games finished 1-0, 2-0 and 2-1, which is pretty standard stuff, and none of them were great games, but it didn’t end there. In every other match this weekend, there were at least four goals.

Atlético Madrid scored the classic Atlético goal, twice, but couldn’t score any other way, despite producing what Diego Simeone quite rightly described as their best performance of the season. Joao Miranda and Diego Godín, the two centre-backs, scored from dead balls, meaning that nine of their last 12 have come from set plays. Celta scored the opener with a gorgeous back-heeled volley from Pablo Hernández and Nolito’s penalty made it 2-2, while Atlético had two more correctly ruled out in a 2-2 draw and shot more than ever before, but less effectively too.

The Málaga owner Sheikh Al Thani was at the airport at 4am to congratulate his players after a 2-2 draw against Espanyol, secured with a 93rd-minute free-kick from Duda. And Rayo did a bit of a Rayo again. They went 2-0 up at Villarreal … and lost 4-2. Villarreal were the only team to win at home and on the break there was a pace and precision about them that was devastating; the fourth in particular was wonderful, 20-year-old Luciano Vietto, signed from Racing Club in the summer, getting his second goal for the club 15 minutes after his first.

It had all started with Real Madrid hammering Deportivo 8-2 on Saturday afternoon; Cristiano Ronaldo scored an astonishing header before James Rodríguez curled in a beautiful second. And then Ronaldo was gifted a ridiculous third. Until then, Deportivo could have done nothing: these were unstoppable goals, out of nowhere, no blame attached. After then, they contributed to their own downfall. The fourth followed, then a fifth. Madrid had never scored five at Riazor before, never mind six, or seven, or eight, and the goals kept coming. There was a hat-trick for Ronaldo – his 20th in the league, one ahead of Leo Messi, and only behind Zarra and Di Stéfano on 22 – and two for Bale, the first of which was beautifully taken. Chicharito got two chicharritos, the first a belter. He’s got a goal every 28 minutes now.

“I don’t know why everyone is so anxious,” Carlo Ancelotti had said before the game. Madrid scored five in midweek and eight three days later. The crisis subsided, even if some doubts remain: they’re still seeking balance; the formation is yet to be defined, currently a kind of 4-2-4 with Ronaldo granted freedom, drifting inside and sometimes even drifting deeper; Depor scored twice and a decent side would surely stretch them more; and, although it sounds daft, the first three goals, at least, were almost isolated moments – two flashes of individual brilliance and one horrific mistake. AS’s statistics on Monday showed that, together, the eight moves that led to the goals accounted for only 1min 58secs. But there’s too much talent for that not to happen, and often too. As Ancelotti put it: he feels like a manager who has something to fix, but he felt that way last season as well.

If Madrid’s orgy started the goal trawl, Barcelona ended it with a 5-0 win at bottom of the table Levante, in which the 0 was probably as important as the 5. Four games in, Luis Enrique’s side are yet to concede but they were aided by Levante going down to 10 men, even if Messi did miss the resulting penalty. “That broke us,” said the Levante manager José Luis Mendilíbar. There were five goalscorers – Neymar, Ivan Rakitic, Sandro, Pedro and Messi – and, like Ronaldo, Messi’s role is changing, seemingly already in anticipation of Luis Suárez and Neymar playing in front of him. He’s gone from false No9 to real No10. He scored one and provided two more assists, the first a superb clipped through-ball from a deeper position, taking him to three goals and six assists this season.

The first goal came 34 minutes in. Until then, Sevilla had been momentarily top of the table, having won the game before. “Sitting in heaven,” cheered one paper in the city. They knew it wouldn’t last – cornered by the touchline reporter, midfielder Aleix Vidal said: “Logic dictates that Barcelona will win now” – but it is no fluke. They have 10 points from 12, their best start in 28 years, and there’s a solidity and cutting edge about them that wasn’t always there last season and wasn’t really expected this. Not yet, at least. Not after losing Rakitic and Federico Fazio.

Sevilla started without Éver Banega or Gerard Deulofeu. But Vidal has been superb and they still have Carlos Bacca, having resisted interest from Internazionale, Zenit and Arsenal, armed with a contract renewal, the biggest salary in the squad, and a €30m buyout clause. The Colombian got the first and seemed obsessed with the second. At one point, he had a touchline “discussion” with his manager Unai Emery. “Sometimes we lose control of our values in powerful emotional moments,” Emery said afterwards. “I was reminding him of that. Success comes when you never lose humility. We have weaknesses and the best way to improve is to know that.”

The second goal did eventually come. It was Bacca’s fourth of the season, the 33rd of a 39-goal weekend. Since he arrived in Spain, only Ronaldo and Messi have scored more. It’s not so long ago that Bacca was a bus conductor. He also sold fish for a living. On a mad weekend in Spain, he got two more mackerels of his own.

Results: Elche 0-2 Eibar, Deportivo 2-8 Real Madrid, Athletic 0-1 Granada, Atlético 2-2 Celta, Espanyol 2-2 Málaga, Real Sociedad 1-2 Almería, Villarreal 4-2 Rayo, Córdoba 1-3 Sevilla, Levante 0 5 Barcelona.

Monday: Getafe-Valencia (And then week five starts the next day and runs straight into week six which starts on Friday).