POOR OLD ROY pt.XXXVIII
Mr Roy has a nice office at the FA’s headquarters in Soho Square. He’s got a nice comfy chair. A nice big wooden desk with a Newton’s Cradle on it. And a nice Corby trouser press in the corner. Every day at 11am he enjoys a nice big glass of lemonade, because it means that 11.03am it’s tinkly time. Mr Roy enjoys tinkly time because he’s been given the keys to the FA’s executive washroom, just reward for becoming one of the most respected coaches in Europe during a near 40-year career which has seen him win several titles in the Nordic countries, timidly lose two major European finals, send Blackeye Rovers along the road to relegation, and register England’s worst performance at a World Cup finals for 56 years. He deserves it. He’s earned it. He’s entitled.
But this morning Mr Roy did not enjoy tinkly time. He’d finished his lemonade, taken his trousers off, carefully fed them into the Corby trouser press, walked off jauntily down the corridor with his shirt tails flapping over his 100% cotton briefs, well-shined shoes, socks and fully adjustable executive sock garters still on, and was about to insert the key into the lock of the washroom door when he heard an awful commotion going on outside. He peered out of the nearest window, and there was Brendan Rodgers, in the gardens in the square, with a stopwatch. He was theatrically timing Daniel Sturridge performing vigorous shuttle runs, squat thrusts, push-ups and star jumps. Then Rodgers waved up at the window. Hmm, Mr Roy thought, unless I’m very much mistaken, and I have never once been mistaken in a 38-year career during which my methods have translated perfectly from Halmstads to Malmo to Orebro to Neuchatel Xamax to the Swiss national team, Brendan’s wave doesn’t seem to incorporate all of the fingers of his hand. And isn’t Sturridge supposed to be unfit? Brendan told me he wasn’t fit. Roy couldn’t work that one out at all.
Mr Roy went into the executive washroom, but couldn’t concentrate to such an extent that, once he’d used one of the 100% cotton flannels to wash his hands and dispensed it in a little wicker basket, he forgot to dab himself with a splash of complimentary Hai Karate. He went back into his office and clacked the balls on his Newton’s Cradle in frustration. What was Rodgers trying to say? That Sturridge, who won’t face Basel/Basle/Baaaarrrrl tonight in Liverpool’s Big Cup group game, might feature at the weekend at Anfield against West Brom, but is still unavailable for England’s games against San Marino and Estonia the week after, payback for the avoidable injury the player picked up last time he was on international duty? Well that makes no logical sense! It’s almost as if Rodgers has seen Louis van Gaal row with Mr Roy over Luke Shaw’s fitness and withdraw Manchester United’s fitness staff from the England set up, and concluded that, a precedent set, he might as well have a pop himself. Oh dear me, thought Mr Roy, who then discovered that he’d forgotten to switch the Corby trouser press on. His trousers still creased, he sat down and wondered what to do next to cheer himself up. He poured another glass of lemonade, fingered his key fob, and waited for the clock to tick round to 12.03.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT
Another triple-header! First up, John Ashdown will be on hand for Zenit 0-1 Monaco at 5pm BST, followed by Jacob Steinberg on Arsenal 2-1 Galatasaray duty and Scott Murray watching Basel/Basle/Baaaarrrrl 1-1 Liverpool from 7.45pm. The bake-off will have to wait.
QUOTE OF THE DAY I
“We all went down to one of the little shacks on the beach which sell alcohol and melon. There must have been about 30 or 40 BBC people and locals and there was a beat system, so I got out my iPad and found myself DJing for Alan Hansen’s Match of the Day farewell party on the Copacabana! A nice bit of Oasis, Happy Mondays, Bob Marley, and everyone was singing and dancing along. It was brilliant” – Rio Ferdinand in his autobiography #2sides. The Fiver can think of other appropriate hash tags.
QUOTE OF THE DAY II
“Like so many more playing the game, he’s a young man with a few quid enjoying it. Living the dream. Would any of us be much different? Ray Wilkins tells me a a ‘nice fella’ [sic]. That will do for me!” – Richard Keys goes into ba(n)t for Ashley Cole.
QUOTE OF THE DAY III
“What would you like to see more of in the NS? Discussions contrasting nuclear and renewable energy. Something on the link between income inequality and problems in society – and the consequences of young voters becoming disenfranchised with the political system” – Exeter City winger David Wheeler makes a surprise appearance in New Statesman’s subscriber of the week.
A BIGGER PLUG THAN THE ONE FROM THE BFG’S BATH
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FIVER LETTERS
“Your Shed Seven snippet at the bottom of Tuesday’s Fiver, Disco Down, was remarkably prescient considering that the old Majestyk nightclub in the centre of Dirty Leeds DID in fact burn down shortly after teatime. Was this a fluke or were you sending a tea-timely subliminal message to a Fiver reading Manchurian Candidate telling them to torch it? Either way, the traffic into the city has been horrendous as a result and I was an hour late for work this morning. I hope you’re happy with yourselves – James Harding.
“I don’t have any prizes to offer, but I do have to say that was a fantastic obscure reference to The (US) Office in Tuesday’s mail. Bravo!” – James Tong.
“The bake-off will have to wait [Tuesday’s Fiver]? Well of course it will. It’s on Wednesday not Tuesday. Still, gives you a chance to recycle that line and make it accurate” – Matthew Taylor (and 1,056 others).
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BITS AND BOBS
Millionaires Paul Scholes and Rio Ferdinand have criticised Manchester City fans for not shelling out a fortune to watch their side draw 1-1 in the Champions League and leaving empty seats in the stadium. “Do the crowd realise how lucky they are to be in this competition? I don’t think they do,” parped Scholes, who’ll know all about his side not being in the competition.
In what’s fast becoming a bad Fiver for Ferdinand, Kick It Out have, erm, kicked out at him and said the organisation deserves better than to be turned into the defender’s “punchbag” after discovering he has attacked it as “useless” in his book.
Francesco Totti has thanked Manchester City’s social media team for giving him the inspiration to score last night after they questioned his scoring record in England. “City’s tweet? It really brought me luck,” he #bantzed.
Arsène Wenger believes that now Kieran Gibbs can trust various parts of his body to stop falling apart, he can be England’s best left-back since Ashley Cole. “It’s a good example to follow because Ashley is top. You see stories about Ashley Cole but on the day of a game he was always there,” parped Wenger in an eerie echo of Richard Keys.
Cheery news from Saudi Arabia dept: Asamoah Gyan has accused Al Hilal’s Romanian midfielder Mihai Pintilii of racially abusing him. “He said an abusive word – I really didn’t like it. He knows what he said, you can ask him. He knows what he said,” fumed Gyan.
Cheery news from Russia dept: Zenit St Petersburg forward Hulk has claimed he was the victim of racial abuse from visiting Spartak Moscow fans. “In the first half, I clearly heard monkey chants shouted in my direction and this was not only on one occasion,” fumed Hulk.
STILL WANT MORE?
Where were all the Manchester City fans last night? At home not getting fleeced, reckons Paul Wilson.
GOALS! GOALS! GOAL! It’s goals of the week!
Just who are this FC Krasnodar that Everton are taking on. Nick Ames knows.
Where will you find Graham Dorrans on a par with Neymar and Lionel Messi and better than Cristiano Ronaldo? In our European teams of the week blog, that’s where.
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JAVIER PASTORE DRIVES AN F-REG MINI
