78 min Stanley kicks a penalty deep into the corner on the left after England are penalised for playing the man without the ball. It’s overthrown and England look to streak clear. Everyone is running diagonally, Yarde straightens and then throws a pass to Mike Brown’s knees with the tryline gaping.

77 min Chris Robshaw is named man-of-the-match. I’d be embarrassed to have had anything to do with this match.

76 min Tom Wood concedes a penalty for a double movement, despite the fact that not one Samoa player even looked like he was holding him in the tackle. The referee has been poor.

75 min Samoa knock on at the lineout then concede a penalty at the scrum. Here, you can stick this on for the rest of the match if you like.

I might.

73 min Samoa are finishing the stronger here, a nice series of offloads as they carry down the left. They’re within 10m of the England line now. Stanley kicks across; Yarde takes but we go back for a penalty against Brookes.

There are seven minutes to go. Stuart Barnes is talking about his old mate Joe from Essex. “Ah Smokin’ Joe,” says Miles Harrison, who has given no impression of knowing who Barnes is on about.

69 min This has been awful, just awful. “You need someone to inject a bit of dynamism here” says Stuart Barnes, under the mistaken impression that England have some young, inexperienced bright spark with a point to prove or an impression to make to call upon.

68 min Samoa come close as Fa’asavalu breaks a tackle, offloads beautifully to Ken Pisi, who makes ground himself and gives it to Leiua on his shoulder. The winger looks to be in but Twelvetrees gets back to make a good tackle 5m out.

66 min Ford chips over the top but Tusi Pisi calls a very good mark. He clears and Webber’s throw isn’t straight so Samoa get a scrum.

Lionel Messi has broken the La Liga scoring record. Ian McCourt has the details and it’s far, far better than this.

65 min Chance for Lemi as Samoa go along the line, but Haskell quickly slams that door shut. Farrell is off for England, with 2011 Form’s Billy Twelvetrees on.

62 min Quickly taken by Yarde but then Barritt’s pop pass inside to Morgan on the 22 is spilled. Only 18 more minutes of this.

61 min Yarde is back on for May, who is bleeding again. Watson checks and glides through a gap before the replacement Brookes drives on. Youngs snipes but spills the ball forward and Tusi Pisi clears.

60 min England win the lineout on the 22 but show all the imagination of a Dan Brown novel. They get another penalty on the right for an offence at the breakdown and Ford kicks to touch 10m out on the right.

Go home, there’s nothing left to see here.

58 min Attwood goes off his feet and Samoa kick a penalty into the 22 on the left. They win the lineout but lose control on the floor. England pass it along the line and then maul it up to the 10m line. England get a penalty when the maul is eventually collapsed.

57 min Absolutely nothing happens.

55 min Samoa pick and go in midfield. Kruis is on for Lawes for England as Samoa kick ahead and Brown fields it, then clears.

51 min Oh this is absurd. The referee has called this a dangerous tackle. It wasn’t. It was perfectly timed, Ford still had the ball, and the tackle was below the shoulders. It was hard and the arms were wrapped around. There was absolutely nothing wrong with that and the referee has, after a long consultation with the video ref, sent Leota to the sin bin. That’s a joke of a decision. Ford kicks the penalty into the 22 on the right.

51 min Arf. George Ford has just been buried about 10ft below the Twickenham turf by a magnificent smash from Johnny Leota.

50 min Tusi Pisi nails the kick from 35m, just about in front, and it’s England 23-9 Samoa.

48 min Treviranus charges up over halfway after catching a high ball and Fotuali’i finds a good touch down the right. Samoa don’t challenge the lineout though and England clear. Ken Pisi takes it and glides past a poor attempt at a tackle by Farrell, then, after the Saints man is brought down, the Saracens haircut goes in at the side of a ruck and gives away a penalty.

47 min A good kick from Ford and that makes it England 23-6 Samoa.

45 min Lemi gives away possession with a shallow box kick and England get it through the hands. Ford finds Brown, who finds a good touch 5m out on the left for England. Samoa take it quickly and Fotuali’i’s clearance only goes to 20m out.

43 min Samoa make a half break through Jack Lam – cousin of Samoa, Newcastle and Northampton legend Pat – and Pisi stabs through a kick to touch in the England 22. England win the lineout and Ben Youngs puts up a high box kick.

42 min Ford kicks it and that’s England 16-6 Samoa.

41 min Oh good, here we go again. England get a penalty for Samoa’s failure to release the man on the ground, 37m out, just to the right. Ford to go for goal.

“Hi Dan,” Hi, Robin Hazelhurst. “My RWC lottery ticket gave me Samoa Scotland next year. Given the last couple of Scottish performances and what we’re seeing here it could be a bit one-sided. The next Calcutta Cup could be tighter though.”

I don’t fancy England’s chances if they play like this. The result will be better than against South Africa, but, Ford aside, the performance hasn’t been. The Bath 10 has played pretty well, but there’s no point in picking him if there’s no creativity outside him and if the delivery from nine is this poor.

Eastmond, Joseph and Rokoduguni all played for Bath today. Burrell will play for Northampton tomorrow. Wigglesworth is languishing on the bench. England keep ignoring them though, picking largely the same backs and expect performances to improve. They’re looking stale and stagnant.

40 min England fling it about in midfield, looking for a gap. They get a penalty for hands in the ruck, 45m out just to the right. Brave captain Chris Robshaw points to the posts.

39 min Taulafo concedes a penalty for boring in though.

37 min Youngs grubber kicks clear. Ken Pisi returns with an up-and-under and he taps it back. Suddenly there’s a chance as a pass goes beyond Lemi but Dave Wilson knees it back towards his own line for Lemi to chase. Wilson gets back eventually but knocks on.

36 min Fa’asavalu knocks it on in midfield. In defence of both sets of players, it is horrendously wet there, which doesn’t bode well for my walk home up Streatham Hill tonight.

35 min England win the lineout and Brown jinks up to halfway. It goes back left but May is penalised for holding on on halfway. Samoa go quickly and carry it up to the England 22.

34 min Samoa just about win the scrum. Fotuali’i and Treviranus, the number 8, combine nicely and the former completes the clearance.

33 min England get quick ball off the top of the lineout on the 22 and Ford goes on a searing diagonal run through the defence. He passes right to Brown but the slippery ball squirts out of the Harlequins man’s grasp. Can we end this now?

31 min Samoa get the shove on and England are going backwards. England look to run it out and Ford is caught under his own posts, but England eventually get it clear. From the lineout Ford puts up a high cross kick into space, but Ken Pisi catches it and calls the mark.

30 min Samoa win the lineout, just, and knock it on.

29 min Samoa scrum in the England 22 and this time England are penalised for not staying square. Tusi Pisi goes to the corner and Samoa put 13 men in the lineout!

27 min Ford gets it. Well done him, he’s made it England 13-6 Samoa. “13 years ago England used a dominant scrum to win a World Cup final, says defending-the-indefensible’s Stuart Barnes, whose maths is out. That was an Australia side, one of the world’s best, in a World Cup final. This is a “sandwich match” against the world’s 11th best side.

26 min Samoa’s scrum is useless. It doesn’t stay square and England get a penalty. This being a match for pragmatism, George Ford is going to look to narrowly extend the lead by kicking at goal.

25 min Ford goes long with the restart and Samoa knock on in the 22. Scrum to England 15m in and 20m out.

24 min Pisi knocks the kick through from just about in front, 20m out and it’s England 10-6 Samoa. Wales lost in the end, 16-34 to New Zealand.

23 min Samoa have the ball in the 22 and maul towards the line. They knock on, but Attwood is in at the side and Samoa have another penalty.

22 min Samoa carry the ball back up to halfway but they can’t penetrate this valiant brick wall of heroes in the England defence. Pisi chips to the corner but his radar is slightly off and May dots it down.

Lee-lo, incidentally, should be in the sin bin for a dump tackle on Brown as the England full-back gave the inside pass in the build-up to the try.

Yeah it’s a try. Bloody hell that took a while. Ford knocks over the conversion with ease. England 10-3 Samoa.

It’s Samoa. Come on now.

18 min From 34m, right in front, Ford makes it England 3-3 Samoa.

17 min The first Mexican wave. England get a penalty at the scrum. No self-respecting Tier One team would kick for goal here.

16 min A better lineout from Samoa and they look to work it right, midway inside their own half, but then Marler knocks on going for the interception. This is what happens when a defensive side, whose strength is a kicking game, looks to fling it around without the personnel to do so.

14 min Pisi sends up a high ball and England just stand there and let it drop. Eventually they get the ball and Watson goes down the right but he loses it backwards in contact. Left but the pass doesn’t go to hand. Youngs kicks and it’s charged down. Then Marler is turned over but Samoa knock on. George Ford eventually kicks to touch. That was unbelievable from England.

The All Blacks have scored again.

13 min Brown spills a high ball and it so nearly falls for Leiua. England get it back but then Farrell is late getting a kick away, it’s charged down and Samoa have possession once again. He’s not a clever man, is Farrell.

12 min Pisi’s kick drifts wide though, to jeers from the pleasant folk that are the Twickenham crowd.

11 min It’s all Samoa and Tusi Pisi chips over the top, but Brown is in a good position to take the ball. We’re going back though for another offence by Haskell. He probably spoke to someone.

10 min From a scrappy lineout Youngs kicks straight to Lemi and Ken Pisi, playing out of position at 15, counters. He’s caught by a tackle around the throat by Farrell but nothing given by the ref. Samoa retaining possession about 13m inside the England half.

9 min England work it left but turn it over again! Lemi kicks ahead and is held back by Brown, who, I guess, was just about committed to the tackle. This has been a poor start from England, three unforced handling errors already.

May has a nasty cut and will be replaced by Yarde. The All Blacks have another try and that game’s about done now.

8 min England now go through the phases, looking to muscle their way through but Ford is smashed into the turf by Paulo and Samoa win possession. They look to counter and get up to the 10m line, whence Foutali’i kicks.

6 min England counter and Watson steps off his wing to carve his way through. He’s brought down but Ford spots space in the right-hand corner and knocks a nice kick over there into touch.

A lucky bounce for Beauden Barrett and he has a converted try for New Zealand, who lead 16-22 in Cardiff.

Here, Paulo is pinged for a wonky throw and England have a scrum about 20m out.

5 min Ben Morgan spills it in midfield and Samoa keep the ball in hand. There’s nothing doing though and Tusi Pisi slips a kick through, which Brown fields.

4 min From 18m out, just on the right, Pisi kicks the penalty and makes it England 0-3 Samoa. Wales have a penalty to go in front and Halfpenny gets it! Wales 16-15 New Zealand!

2 min Samoa lineout then, just inside the England 22 on the right. They win it and go through the phases. Fotuali’i of Northampton chips across for Lemi to chase; the 98-year-old winger can’t get to it but we go back for a penalty to Samoa for offside.

1 min Morgan takes the ball and England take a full 30 seconds to get the ball out of the ruck on the 22. Mike Brown hoofs it miles down field. James Haskell then goes off his feet at a ruck and whoever had 54 seconds for the first penalty conceded by Haskell, wins.

Kick-off! Right, here goes. Tusi Pisi gets us underway. The All Blacks have scored, by the way.

“I second Paddy Fords calls for Matt Banahan,” says James Austin. “Also, why is Farell at 12 rather than Jamie Noon? We simply don’t have enough big, ball carrying options or defensive solidity with this lineup.”

Ha!

England will be wearing their new red change strip for no reason whatsoever. Christmas is coming folks, get your wallets out and give those nice RFU blazer folks yer $$$.

“Evening Dan,” begins Paddy Ford. “After six defeats on the trot, desperate times call for desperate measures. Allow me, then, to make the case for Matt Banahan. He’s one of the few England players who out-tattoo the Samoans and, in these times of strife, we’ll take any victory going, no matter how tenuous or irrelevant. He’s fully rested, after not appearing much for Bath this season. Or last. He also knocked out Kelly Brown a few years back. That was a fierce hit. We could do with that today. Who’s with me??”

I assume this is a joke. It’s only five defeats on the trot, but 16 on the trot and a serious illness outburst wouldn’t lead me to consider picking Matt Banahan for an international rugby team.

OK, right, this one. Does anyone have high hopes? I mean, I do as far as an England win is concerned, probably by about 20 points, but as a spectacle expectations are low.

More excitement to be found in Cardiff though, as Leigh Halfpenny has a penalty to put Wales 13-10 up against the All Blacks with half an hour to go. 37m out, from the left, gets it!

Preamble

Well jeez England. When I said last week that it didn’t really matter if you lost five on the spin to the world’s two best teams, I didn’t quite mean like that. Against an underperforming South Africa, even more so than they were against an underperforming New Zealand a week prior, England were awful. Absolutely dreadful. Their back row, settled as the first choice because of their ball-carrying prowess, were utterly ineffective as ball carriers and Billy Vunipola in particular treated the ball like a bar of soap that had been lubricated with washing-up liquid and birthed by Underworld. Danny Care’s delivery was slow enough to allow Owen Farrell to pop off to the smoking area for a fag before the ball reached him and the fly-half may as well have stayed outside the stadium given how utterly ineffective his own kicking and distribution were. England picked two of the quickest wings in the country but may as well have picked, well, whoever out there as they almost never saw the ball; not surprising when you consider that Brad Barritt, an effective tackler who can only really play 12 and can’t really pass, was at outside centre. No, England aren’t in crisis, they’ve just been crap for two matches.

This, then, is a chance to go all Taylor Swift and shake it off. Samoa aren’t the wonderful, free-flowing, potentially lethal side we’re used to. They scraped past Canada last week and lost to regressing Italy before that. Their players have only agreed to play this match amidst off-field disputes under the threat of being booted out of the World Cup. George Pisi, arguably their best player, is absent injured and no one really fancies their chances today. Samoa are there for the taking and England can experiment, show the world their attacking capabilities and really cut loose.

So what the hell is that team selection, England? It’s easy to say “look at the All Blacks” but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong. So look at the All Blacks: Steve Hansen promised every player in the touring party a couple of games and he’s stuck to his word, the end result being a big squad that’s waltzing around with everyone involved getting used to winning games. England on the other hand have changed just three-fifths of their pack this autumn, meaning that talented youngsters such as Matt Mullan, Kieran Brooks, Alex Waller, George Kruis, Ed Slater and Calum Clark will spend this autumn getting splinters up their bums if they’re even anywhere near the squad. Out-of-form Ben Youngs is in for out-of-form Danny Care while the form English number nine, Richard Wigglesworth is only on the bench here. That’s leaving aside other exciting, form players, such as (deep breath) Joe Simpson, Danny Cipriani, Jack Nowell, Henry Slade, Luther Burrell, Kyle Eastmond, Jonathan Joseph and Ben Foden, none of whom are even at Twickenham while Barritt keeps his place as a defensive option that England really shouldn’t feel they need: that’s like the football team lining up with a holding midfielder against Slovenia.

The most shocking selection of all though is Farrell at 12. If England believe he is the fly-half to win the World Cup then fair enough. But his selection as a shield for George Ford horribly undermines the man that England simply have to trust if they’re going to have a back-up at 10 for the World Cup with any experience. Ford needs to be trusted to run a game and how can England really see his capability to do so when the role of playmaker will be split with a second stand-off? Furthermore, without wanting to make any accusations of nepotism, it seems to send the message to Farrell that he’s undroppable despite his lack of game time and poor form.

Consistency in selection can be an important and helpful thing. But, as any Arsenal, Manchester United, Leicester Tigers or Northants cricket fan will tell you, strength in depth is vital. Do England have any? We won’t know after this game. The fear is that we won’t at any point before the World Cup now. England will win this comfortably, but their lineup is as conservative as Gary Barlow and almost as uninspiring.

Kick-off is at 7pm, the latest ever for an England game at Twickenham. Here are your teams.

England : 15-Mike Brown , 14-Anthony Watson, 13-Brad Barritt, 12-Owen Farrell, 11-Jonny May, 10-George Ford, 9-Ben Youngs; 1-Joe Marler, 2-Rob Webber, 3-David Wilson, 4-Dave Attwood, 5-Courtney Lawes, 6-James Haskell, 7-Chris Robshaw, 8-Ben Morgan
Replacements: 16-Dylan Hartley, 17-Matt Mullan, 18-Kieran Brookes, 19-George Kruis, 20-Tom Wood, 21-Richard Wigglesworth, 22-Billy Twelvetrees, 23-Marland Yarde

Samoa : 15-Ken Pisi, 14-Alapati Leiua, 13-Reynold Lee-Lo, 12-Johnny Leota, 11-David Lemi, 10-Tusi Pisi, 9-Kahn Fotuali’i; 1-Zak Taulafo, 2-Ti’i Paulo, 3-Census Johnston, 4-Filo Paulo, 5-Kane Thompson, 6-Maurie Fa’asavalu, 7-Jack Lam, 8-Ofisa Treviranus
Replacements: 16-Manu Leiataua, 17-Viliamu Afatia, 18-Anthony Perenise, 19-Fa’atiga Lemalu, 20-Dan Leo, 21-TJ Ioane, 22-Pete Cowley, 23-Mike Stanley

Dan will be here in a bit.