90 min+3: Mertejl arrows a rising drive inches past the angle of post and bar from 25 yards.

90 min: Chris Smalling replaces Phil Jagielka. Uh oh. “Hope for Slovenia yet,” says David Wall.

89 min: Time remains for Rooney to do something ridiculous and get a red card. Can he do it?

87 min: Jagielka is booked after a poor pass from Cahill forces him into emergency agricultural action.

84 min: Henderson escapes down the right. He has Rooney clear in the middle. Throw to Slovenia. Alex-Oxlade-Chamberlain-replaces-Raheem-Sterling.

82 min: Welbeck, looking for a hat-trick, sees his shot blocked by Ilic after a neat trick earned him a sight of goal. Moments later, Sterling is booked for dissent.

80 min: After a Slovenia effort from the edge of the area flies over the bar, James Milner comes on for Adam Lallana.

79 min: Clyne is booked on his debut and should therefore never play for England again.

78 min: Kirm is replaced by Ljubijanik as Slovenia make their final change.

76 min: Rotman’s superpowers include dealing with dry rot and time travel.

75 min: Kurtic goes off, Rotman - the worst superhero of all time - comes on.

70 min: Lallana hangs a cross to the far post from the right and Rooney leaps and heads over.

69 min: “Call me crazy, Jacob, but I think England will qualify from this group and then lose in the last eight of the finals to France on penalties,” says Simon McMahon.

64 min: Rooney knocks a pass through to Sterling, racing through the middle, but it’s just got too much weight on it and Handanovic is out quickly to smother.

63 min: Walter Birsa is replaced by Lazarevic.

62 min: A mistake from Jagielka lets in Kampl. He runs at Cahill back into the England area but Cahill does well to deflect his shot wide for a corner, which is a waste of time.

56 min: “Looks like the prawn sandwiches and Babycham are running out as the VIPs mosey on back to their seats,” says Ian Cluroe.

55 min: Ah, the booing was because Birsa had the temerity to stand up and wait patiently on the touchline before the referee let him back on. Eventually he’s granted permission to return. More booing. And an England corner. It comes to Rooney on the right. He twists and turns and chips in a cross, Jagielka heading straight at Handanovic.

54 min: Is Birsa back on? I’m not sure, I momentarily passed out. The fact that some fans are booing suggests that he is.

53 min: Birsa is being carried off on a stretcher after being caught by Gibbs.

51 min: Welbeck darts inside from the left and finds Rooney. He drops a shoulder. But his shot is blocked.

48 min: Lallana whips the corner in and Rooney, unmarked, heads wide from a promising position. Hodgson sighs.

47 min: Rooney breaks into a sprint as he chases a pass from Clyne down the line and wins a corner. “Roy Hodgson may have a point in saying that American football can ruin a pitch for football,” says Peter Oh. “But craters of mud ain’t the half of it. At least today’s game isn’t played withgridiron marks still in place. That is the real ugliness of playing football after American football. “

46 min: Right. Everyone involved in this nonsense had better buck their ideas up in the next 45 minutes.

43 min: “Why is this game being played at an NFL stadium?” says Simon McMahon. “And can we expect free kicks from the edge of the box to be referred to as ‘first and goal’?”

The FA are trying to make it Stateside.

41 min: “I blame the media,” says David Wall. “After all, if you lot hadn’t justifiably criticised Luis Suarez in the summer then he’d not have had such an easy excuse to force a transfer overseas to escape that persecution, Liverpool wouldn’t be stuck in a post-Suarez funk, and Raheem Sterling and Jordan Henderson wouldn’t be playing as though running through treacle thereby robbing England of much of the midfield dynamism that had suggested promise for the future despite defeat in Brazil. Go stand in the corner and hang your heads in shame.”

39 min: This is tedious in a beguiling way. How boring can a match get? We may be about to find out.

37 min: Rooney injects some urgency into England’s play with a driving run through middle. He moves it on to Welbeck, who should return it to Rooney. Instead he hammers one over the bar from 25 yards. Rooney glares and bellows.

36 min: Would it be possible to play this game on that comet instead?

34 min: Lallana is down after taking an elbow to the jaw from Cesar. That looked intentional and Cesar is lucky it wasn’t spotted by the Portuguese officials. He could have been off.

32 min: Slovenia decide to have a shot on England’s behalf. Kurtic, looking to mop up inside his own area, absolutely belted a backpass at Handanovic from close range. It was on target and Handanovic had to react quickly to divert it behind for a corner. What was Kurtic thinking of there? Handanovic doesn’t look particularly pleased. He cheers up when he catches the corner, though.

30 min: Sterling speeds down the right, evading a wild challenge from a Slovenia defender, and his deflected cross loops its way to Welbeck, who heads wide when Lallana was probably in a better position behind him. This has been laboured stuff from England.

28 min: Novakovic slithers on to a pass from Kampl and his cutback forces England to concede a corner on the left. Birsa swings it to the near post from the left and Novakovic gets in front of Welbeck but nods a firm header just wide. That was a decent chance and the closest either side have come to opening the scoring.

27 min: The camera picks up someone screaming after another Henderson pass goes astray. I like Henderson but he’s not had the best start to this game.

24 min: England’s fabled attacking ingenuity sees Henderson send a pass to Clyne straight out for a goal-kick.

23 min: Clive Tyldesley has just mentioned that England haven’t managed to create a chance yet, despite their “attacking ingenuity”.

22 min: Is it so wrong to think that Batman Begins is the best of the Nolan trilogy?

21 min: Welbeck chests it down for Rooney, 25 yards from goal. His half-volley flies over.

18 min: Now it’s the turn of England’s left-back to cause problems for Slovenia. Gibbs goes on a strong run on the left and clips a cross to Rooney in the area. His first touch isn’t great and he’s closed down before he can shoot but he manages to find Sterling on the edge of the area. Again he tries to bundle his way through; again he’s foiled.

17 min: Nathaniel Clyne charges up the right flank, causing someone in the crowd to bellow “GO ON SON, GO ON”. I suppose it could have been his dad. Anyway Clyne, inspired by this advice, does indeed go on and knocks a pass inside to Welbeck. He lays it off to Sterling, who hurries a shot harmlessly wide from the edge of the area.

15 min: There’s no point dressing it up: this pitch is rubbish.

14 min: Sterling tries to diddle his way into the Slovenia area from the left. He’s tackled and the ball squirts up into the air but Ilic makes a poor mistakes, heading it straight through to Welbeck, who almost releases Clyne on the right. England settle for a corner. It comes to nothing.

12 min: Mertelj fouls Rooney. Who the hell does he think he is?

9 min: It’s already clear that this pitch is going to be tricky for the players. Simple passes are bouncing all over the place. Still, as long as everyone’s made a quick buck.

8 min: After a spell of England possession, a bored Jordan Henderson proves that he can fill the hole left by Steven Gerrard by punting the ball straight through to Handanovic.

6 min: Joe Hart has the ball under little pressure. He manages to avoid presenting it to Charlie Austin.

4 min: Slovenia mount an attack for the first time. They work the ball neatly round England’s midfielders and then Birsa drifts a lovely ball over Clyne, who has failed to spot Kirm peeling in behind him. Kirm can’t quite get enough purchase on his header, however, and Hart collects. That was a worrying moment for England, though, their defence already looking vulnerable. By the way, the pitch does look very bobbly, which perhaps explains why England have looked for a quick ball over the top on a couple of occasions. One almost gets Rooney in but his touch lets him down. He apologises to the soldier.

2 min: I should probably point out that that didn’t actually happen, before the soldier is ordered back on to the pitch to rescue the players. Slovenia are wearing light blue kits.

And we’re off! England, dressed in white and kicking from right to left, get the ball rolling and every player is immediately swallowed whole by the pitch, never to be seen again. They’re no longer with us, I’m sad to report, they belong to the earth now and will be forced to work as slaves by their new plant leaders for the rest of their worthless, puny lives.

Really, if you think about it with your logical cap on, Rooney should have been presenting the soldier with the golden cap. But no. Country, dogs.

A soldier, though. Why? For what purpose? Maybe, instead of a golden cap, Rooney could have been presented with a giant poppy - or, even better, he could have played the game dressed as a poppy.

Before the anthems, Wayne Rooney, children in tow, is presented with two commemorative caps by Sir Bobby Charlton. One is from the FA, the other is from Fifa. Couldn’t they have stumped up for a £16,000 watch instead? A cap seems a bit stingy. You never see anyone actually wearing their caps. A soldier also accompanied Charlton on to the pitch. I’m not sure why. The militarisation of sporting events is very weird. “On August 12th 2012 I made the following comment on the MBM of the premier league match between Manchester City and Southampton - this was Southampton’s first game back in the top flight: ‘I’ve never actually watched Nathaniel Clyne play “real” football before, but I do know that he develops into a world class, marauding right back in Fifa 12 Manager mode’,” says Daniel Schulwolf. “Let it be known that I was among the first to predict his rise into a starting right-back for a Europe-challenging club side and a decent national team. I am now awaiting job offers from all the major football news programs and websites.”

“Will the pitch troubles, the game plan, the weather all come together to give Engerland a bobbly, wobbly 2-1 win which inspires the sort of reaction that would be best embodied by JT at home on his couch, a solitary tear rolling down his cheek rumbling out a guttural ‘soooooo BRAVE’ through gritted teeth and clenched fist at the final whistle?” wonders Gareth Duxbury? “But, if this does play out, won’t it really be a case of: no grace, poise, nuance or technique and just a couple of set-piece goals - or a Wayne ‘rediscovered his passion for the game’ Rooney wunder-bolt - that mean nothing at all for prospects in 2016?

To clarify:

1. That JT pastiche is definitely either a tear-jerker christmas ad or a powerful HBO 10 part drama

2. My dad threw in the towel with England in ‘98, I held out as long as i could but 2012 and my impending 30th did for me. Realised then I wouldn’t be the one to turn it round.

Still, at least we have the high octane ITV coverage to make up for it...wait...”

Mr Roy is asked about Slovenia’s complaints about the pitch. “Are they complaining, are they? Well I was out there now and it didn’t look too bad.” Take that, Slovenia. You might as well go home now.

Before we discuss anything else, you have to watch this first.