ACTS OF MAN (UTD)
As acts of stupidity go, Simple Chris Smalling’s red card in Sunday’s Manchester derby was up there with the time that the Fiver started this sentence roughly 15 words ago and then realised that it was too stupid to come up with anything that was remotely funny so instead just sat there with a pained expression on its face, hoping that The Man wouldn’t notice that this is a total travesty of an intro that should ultimately lead to the Fiver being frogmarched out of the building and ordered never to return. In fact, Simple Chris’s red card was so stupid that its parents, Mr and Mrs Red Card, have already reacted by booking it in for summer school, so stupid that it is considering going on the campaign trail for Ukip, so stupid that it has a job on the side as one of the writers on Homeland.
And Louis van Gaal wasn’t happy with Simple Chris’s transgression either, the Dutchman not even bothering to make a pretence of protecting the bone-headed defender. “The sending off is not one of those things. As a player you have to control your aggression. I didn’t see the first yellow but the second you know as a player you have a yellow, so you have to handle it differently. The second yellow card was stupid. You cannot do what he has done with the second yellow card. That is not very smart. What can I say?” It seems that Van Gal had already said a lot. Oh, Simple Chris! What was going through your mind?
Not much, one suspects, and perhaps we will never know. But what we do know is that whatever it was Simple Chris thought he was thinking at the time, he did leave United in a lurch and it meant that an opportunity went to waste, because there was a sense that Manchester City were feeling vulnerable after their recent run of dodgy form. Instead, though, they were able to win their fourth successive derby thanks to the brilliance of Sergio Agüero, whose winner kept City in the title race and United stuck down in ninth. It’s not been a great start for Van Gaal, with many people at pains to point out that David Moyes was four points better off at this stage last year – and Moyesie didn’t get to spend £150m in one summer, he just, er, took over the champions, blew a wad of cash on Marouane Fellaini, ruined the team’s confidence and forgot to do any attacking, whereas Van Gaal has no defenders, has won stuff in the past, has tried to do some attacking and has to spend half of his time making sure that Simple Chris hasn’t poked his hand in a plug socket or got his tongue stuck to a block of ice.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“We are getting closer to narrowing the dates for the Fifa World Cup to two options - January/February 2022 or November/December 2022 - but Fifa has also been asked to consider May 2022” – Fifa suit Jerome Valcke “narrows” down the possible dates of the 2022 World Cup to five months. Though Fifa are also still listening to proposals for April/May and May/June. So, seven months then. Or 58% of the year, if you prefer.
A BIGGER PLUG THAN THE ONE FROM THE BFG’S BATH
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FIVER LETTERS
“Luis Suárez has blamed Barcelona’s back-to-back defeats on the sentient nature of the football: ‘When the ball doesn’t want to go in, it doesn’t go in.’ Have we finally been met with the hellish stuff of dystopian science-fiction, where inanimate objects thwart the will of humans? If so, I shall tweet my thanks to Professor Suárez and be in the queue for the first rocket off this planet” – Iain Naylor.
“Can I be the first to point out an erroneous entry in the funny, yet at the same time borderline creepy, collection of managers’ holidays photos [Friday’s Fiver]. The picture of Roy Hodgson was taken on his trip to Manaus back in February so he wasn’t on holiday, he was working. Expressing amazement at grass being green, riffing on Fitzcarraldo and advising England fans to visit the opera house in Manaus. Like I say, working” – Dermot McDermott.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Dermot McDermott.
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BITS AND BOBS
Daniel Sturridge has tagged along with his Liverpool team-mates for a free jaunt to Madrid which has led some to don hooped earrings, tie a spotted handkerchief around their head and look into a crystal ball, predicting that Brendan Rodgers is going to take a gamble on the striker’s fitness against Real Madrid.
One player who definitely won’t be kicking balls this week is Arsenal’s Jack Wilshere. “Jack has been sick and will not be involved tomorrow,” TMIed Arsène Wenger.
Rostov’s African players have told boss Igor Gamula that if he thinks they are going to train under him after his comments regarding the club’s transfer policy – “ [the club has] enough dark-skinned players, we’ve got six of the thing,” bone-headed the bone-headed Gamula – then he can take a long walk off a short pier.
Neil Lennon has said Bolton chief suit, Phil Gartside, has flown to Thailand to check out the street food and maybe have some talks about the future of the club with some local businessmen.
And Real Madrid are so pleased with Real Madrid’s impending 10-0 win over Liverpool that they have reportedly offered Carlo Ancelotti a new deal. Good for him.
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
A link to footage of a Brazilian fourth division match is only going to feature one thing: a fairly serious bout of fisticuffs.
STILL WANT MORE?
Football Weekly – coming atcha like Cleopatra.
Jamie Jackson reckons Louis van Gaal should hold on to Ed Woodward’s legs and kick and scream and curse and bite and plead and poke until Mr Suit agrees to buy the Dutchman a decent pair of defenders.
Some of our football writers spent the weekend picking faults in Ghostbusters and wondering if there will ever be a crocodile that can shoot lasers from its eyes. Others were more productive and wrote about what they learned over the weekend.
Meet Lutz Pfannenstiel. He is no relation to Tom Lutz but he has played for 25 clubs in 13 countries on six continents, spent 101 days in jail and been declared dead while at Bradford Park Avenue. Which is almost as good as being related to Tom Lutz. Almost.
Impress your friends by reading Paul Doyle’s piece on Anderlecht’s top young gun Youri Tielemans and passing of the knowledge as your own.
Nolito used to work in a butchers. On Saturday he made mincemeat out of Barcelona, writes Sid Lowe
Roma hopped on a charter plane for their trip to Napoli and were met at the airport by a heavy police escort that included a surveillance helicopter. Wondering Why? Let Paolo Bandini explain.
Like Paula Abdul and that cartoon cat, Dortmund took two step forwards and then two steps back against Bayern, writes Raphael Honigstein
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‘THE PACE OF THE ZIPPER’
